Star Gazer Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 (edited) A good friend of mine who I share many of the same issues with (absent father, abandonment issues, relationship insecurities, etc.) recommended her therapist to me, and I had my first visit today. I've been to therapy before, but my other therapist kinda sucked in retrospect. After only one session with this new therapist, I can already (partly) see why I feel the way I do at times (all panicky and angsty and assuming the worst about my relationships, about being left and abandoned, etc.). I am really hopeful that she will will help me take control of my emotions, and as she said, "own myself" after having been disowned by people who were supposed to love me. I transfer so many of my feelings of previous hurt and abandonment into my intimate relationships, which only destroys them in the long (or even short!) run. I cried on the way back to the office thinking about what we discussed, but now I'm excited!! She recommended two books that I intend to run out and buy right now! Here's a question though - should I share with BF that I'm doing this, or keep it to myself? Edited January 25, 2008 by Star Gazer Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 I'm so glad you're excited and had a good first session! It sounds like you two connected well, which is so important. Do you feel comfortable telling him? If you aren't sure, don't tell him quite yet. Get used to your therapy and go from there.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 Thanks, WWIU! I'm very excited about this. She basically explained to me how I've been feeling in a way that made perfect sense, and traced the roots back much farther than I thought it went. I have all of these thoughts and fears and internal conflicts that I haven't been able to express in linear thoughts, and yet she explained it to me so simply that I was just ... surprised. Very pleasantly surprised. She's been a therapist for 33 years, so she knows her stuff. BF has mentioned the desire to go to therapy himself (at times he experiences depression and has cycles of PTSD), but was afraid to do so when he was in the military because he couldn't afford to pay full-cost, and would have had to see a military shrink who would mark his records. I think he'd be understanding of my desire to go to therapy. Also, he knows most of my background, and thus (if he wanted to) could put two-and-two together to she light on some of my occasional needy/clingy behavior. I guess I want him to know that I'm taking steps to improve my own well-being, but it would probably be better to tell him after I've made some progress...right? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Wow, that's awesome you went to therapy SG! You are going to find that it helps you! I think you could share it with your bf, but you might get a "what do you need therapy for??" reaction from him. Just tell him you are going for yourself, and that you want to improve some areas of your life. Don't tell him you are going to deal with relationship issues or that you are going to get advice about your relationship. Just say that you want to better yourself and get some advice. When I was with my ex bf I saw a therapist and he actually came in with me one time which was very helpful. We had been together for almost 2 years by that time though. But maybe eventually you could actually come in together (and not because you have problems in your relationship, just so you can share and get help with different situations and things). But congrats SG, on taking the first step to feeling better! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 (edited) LB - my "issues" (if that's what we're gonna call them for now) with my BF aren't really the reason why I returned to therapy, they were simply the trigger. Admittedly, a huge trigger, put a trigger nonetheless. I know I have serious, serious abandonment issues, stemming from as far back as being a baby, through childhood and adolescence, and on into adulthood. My abandonment fears affect every relationship I have - with family, with friends, with coworkers and bosses, and most importantly right now, my intimate relationships. I know this, but I've never really had all that much motivation to "fix" myself until now, because now I have a reason to present the best possible Star Gazer possible. BF has his own issues too, but if this relationship does end someday, I don't want to regret it and feel as though there was something I could have done on my end to help it survive. BF is going through a tough time right now, the least thing he needs is pressure...and that would be pressure from a "normal" girl. I bring a ton of clingyness and neediness to the table in intimate relationships because of my fears, which results in pressure X100, ya know? I don't want to be "that girl" anymore. Ugh. Anyway. I want it all fixed, not just my relationship. I don't want to be afraid that everyone's going to leave me anymore. As my therapist said, I want to ultimately be confident that the people who matter to me want me in their lives and aren't going to walk away from me for no apparent reason (that's my fear). Thanks for your support!! Edited January 25, 2008 by Star Gazer Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 LB - my "issues" (if that's what we're gonna call them for now) with my BF aren't really the reason why I returned to therapy, they were simply the trigger. Admittedly, a huge trigger, put a trigger nonetheless. I know I have serious, serious abandonment issues, stemming from as far back as being a baby, through childhood and adolescence, and on into adulthood. My abandonment fears affect every relationship I have - with family, with friends, with coworkers and bosses, and most importantly right now, my intimate relationships. I know this, but I've never really had all that much motivation to "fix" myself until now, because now I have a reason to present the best possible Star Gazer possible. BF has his own issues too, but if this relationship does end someday, I don't want to regret it and feel as though there was something I could have done on my end to help it survive. BF is going through a tough time right now, the least thing he needs is pressure...and that would be pressure from a "normal" girl. I bring a ton of clingyness and neediness to the table in intimate relationships because of my fears, which results in pressure X100, ya know? I don't want to be "that girl" anymore. Ugh. Anyway. I want it all fixed, not just my relationship. I don't want to be afraid that everyone's going to leave me anymore. As my therapist said, I want to ultimately be confident that the people who matter to me want me in their lives and aren't going to walk away from me for no apparent reason (that's my fear). Thanks for your support!! Good for you SG. And like I suggested, maybe you two could go together someday down the line. I think it would help you both. Therapy is very helpful, the problem for me though is I can't therapise myself!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Good for you, SG! Feeling a connection with your therapist is so important. Coming away from a first session feeling like you learned something about yourself, even if the only thing you come away with is feeling like your feelings can be defined and traced to a starting point (not to imply that's all you got, but that would be good enough for me.) I really think that's special. I have been in therapy several times and haven't found that special connection kind of relationship with anyone since I was a teen. There are many different kinds of therapy and I wish I knew what kind that man was using with me, because that's the kind I need. Unfortunately he moved to CA and I never felt like I was getting anywhere fast enough to suit me in any other therapy attempts. As for telling BF, I think I might wait a bit. Most men in my life haven't been very supportive of a desire or need for therapy on my part. Some have thought it was downright ridiculous to need someone else to help sort myself out. My BF wouldn't discourage it, but I'm not really sure of exactly how supportive he would be. I don't think he would REALLY understand to be honest. Mine isn't yours though, so my opinion probably has no bearing on you telling your BF or not. I'm all for honesty, but I'm a bit selective about telling all too early on. It sounds like yours would be more understanding having considered it himself. Hooray for you. January is turning into a fine month with raises and a therapist! Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Oh, She basically explained to me how I've been feeling in a way that made perfect sense, and traced the roots back much farther than I thought it went. Don't those idiots know something more original to say other than that? Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Oh, She basically explained to me how I've been feeling in a way that made perfect sense, and traced the roots back much farther than I thought it went. Don't those idiots know something more original to say other than that? Man, you crack me up sometimes. I mean by now, I've made no secret of the fact that I really don't believe in therapy. But that aside, if it helps Star or anyone else, who are we to put it down? I'm for anything that helps someone grow and heal. It's just not for me. Never has been and never will be. As for telling b/f. I'd wait until you're into it a little more. Maybe keep your relationship "light" for now while he gets settled. Enjoy each other on the phone and what not. And maybe talk about it the next time you meet in person. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 No, do not tell the BF. I understand your excitement at feeling like you are making progress. I have been there. Because of that excitement you want to share it with everyone. Fact is...everyone doesn't share that excitement. Your BF is better off SEEING the change...not hearing about it from you. What were the names of the two books? Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Star, I have a good feeling about this. The therapy is about improving your outlook and perspective. I would also hold off on sharing the news. This is about you. Wheather this guy is 'the one' or not. You know, I am glad he entered your life and by knowing him you found a healthy way to address some concerns you have about yourself. Good for you Star. Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 A good friend of mine who I share many of the same issues with (absent father, abandonment issues, relationship insecurities, etc.) recommended her therapist to me, and I had my first visit today. I've been to therapy before, but my other therapist kinda sucked in retrospect. After only one session with this new therapist, I can already (partly) see why I feel the way I do at times (all panicky and angsty and assuming the worst about my relationships, about being left and abandoned, etc.). I am really hopeful that she will will help me take control of my emotions, and as she said, "own myself" after having been disowned by people who were supposed to love me. I transfer so many of my feelings of previous hurt and abandonment into my intimate relationships, which only destroys them in the long (or even short!) run. I cried on the way back to the office thinking about what we discussed, but now I'm excited!! She recommended two books that I intend to run out and buy right now! Here's a question though - should I share with BF that I'm doing this, or keep it to myself? Star, I'm glad to see you found a therapist who suits your needs. I'd totally go see a therapist if I could find one that did something for me (as in, actually helped me with my issues, instead of sitting there staring dumbly at me). As for telling your bf. What do you think? Maybe you should hold off for a bit...see how things go, see how you progress. Make it about you...no need to bring him into it yet. Then again... I'm all about sharing and discussing. You could mention you're seeing someone...but no need to get into the details, right? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Two problems I see with telling the BF: 1) If he is not a "believer" in therapy or counseling, he may wonder what kind of woman StarGazer is. He may think she is emotionally unbalanced based on this alone. 2) If SG says she is in therapy and expects great results, he may be expecting them sooner than what is realistic. He may expect that all relationship problems will be solved. So, I say hold off on telling him until the two of you are closer as a couple. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Oh, And about telling your bf, of course, tell him the first time you talk to him. Tell him everything. Link to post Share on other sites
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