Guys, would you have sex with your best friend's girlfriend?

[Florida]

If your best friend came to you and said, "My girlfriend wants to sleep with you, and I'm not too happy about it, but I won't stand in the way."

 

I found myself as the girl at the center of this bizarre scenario recently (which I fortunately nipped in the bud before it had a chance to develop). But it left me wondering what most guys would do faced with this moral dilemma. Does horniness or loyalty win over?

 

Shadow I have one question because I'm sure you didn't start this thread for kicks.

 

Are you trying to figure out what your chances with the friend are, given the current circumstances? I know you said not to make it personal, but .....

 

In my observations very, very few guys would do that.

The few who do, usually end up going from friend to enemy.

[oppath]

If I confide something in a friend, I expect it to go nowhere.

 

You're telling me that an SO can't tell their partner, "hey look...I've been feeling weird lately...not sure what to do about it...i've been having thoughts about X?"

 

If I confide something in a friend, and that friend is buddies with the 3rd party, I expect that information to reach the 3rd party. Usually I'll flat out say "it's wrong to involve me. Now I have information that could hurt this other person. I believe they have the right to know, too. You can tell them yourself, or I will."

 

Shadowplay's request wasn't just a thought, it was "can I date your friend while I figure out if I want to be with you?" That's more than saying "I've been thinking about your friend romantically and realize that is not fair to you. It confuses me and I don't know what it means." She specifically asked if she could date his friend while figuring out if she wanted to be with him. That is an order of magnitude difference.

 

Confidence? I'd go to that friend too and ask "so what's the deal with this? Have you two been talking about this behind my back?" Bottom line is you should rarely confide in someone if they are also friends with the 3rd person. It's almost inevitable to reach that person, and often, they have the right to know. My ex told mutual friends "don't tell Oppath, but my ex boyfriend essentially proposed to me last week." Did they really break her trust by telling me? Or did she break mine? The best way to handle that would have been to say "you know, Oppath is my friend too. It's not fair for you to tell me not to tell him. What if it comes up? He deserves to know that information from your mouth. So you can tell him yourself, because if he asks me about the breakup at all, I'm going to be honest with him. I'm not going to lie."

 

In this case, I don't see how he couldn't tell him. "My girlfriend says she wants to take a break from me, and date you while she figures it out." Damn straight I'd bring that up.

[KingR]

What a stupid question.....FYI, I would tag the girl and then she would make a great conversation piece for the next 10 years when we get together with the guys...We would all have a great laugh over it ....WTF would you even think about this? Would you mind if your boyfriend pounded your best friend? I bet you would...and he would most likely enjoy it...

[Quinch]

Shadow, I think its time you ended it with your boyfriend because this relationship is shot to hell now. If you want to pursue the best friend then good luck but I don't think he would be too interested either.

 

The best thing you can do now is walk away from these two guys and start again with someone new. Sorry if I sound harsh

[KingR]

What a stupid question.....FYI, I would tag the girl and then she would make a great conversation piece for the next 10 years when we get together with the guys...We would all have a great laugh over it ....WTF would you even think about this? Would you mind if your boyfriend pounded your best friend? I bet you would...and he would most likely enjoy it...

 

Not only that....but what the **** is your boyfriend even dealing with you for? If he had any sort of respect he would have kicked your a$$ to the curb long ago....It's stuff like this that makes it easier for other dudes ... You really need to figure this out....it really ain't that complicated. Treat em mean...keep em keen..

[shadowplay]

What a stupid question.....FYI, I would tag the girl and then she would make a great conversation piece for the next 10 years when we get together with the guys...We would all have a great laugh over it ....WTF would you even think about this? Would you mind if your boyfriend pounded your best friend? I bet you would...and he would most likely enjoy it...

 

I told my bf, in a moment of stress, that I was somewhat interested in his friend and considering whether it would be okay to get to know him better while we took a break. I realized almost immediately what a terrible thing I had done by even mentioning this and apologized profusely. I asked him not to say anything to his friend. I know what I did was wrong, but it was in the heat of the moment, I apologized immediately, and people make mistakes. It's not like I actually went through with it or cheated on him! Then he went to his friend and basically said "Shadowplay wants to boink you." We're both wrong in this situation, imo, though I've hurt him I'm sure more than he has hurt me.

[shadowplay]

shadow, I didn't really read all the other thread but I did get the gist of it. Were you trying to get a jealous reaction from your b/f, by suggesting an open relationship? Were you hoping for him to show that he was feeling possessive? Was this a form of validation requirement?

 

Perhaps. I'm having trouble deciphering my original motives. Again, it was in the heat of the an angry moment...and not one of my better moments. I was feeling hurt by something he said and did an impulsive thing, but it was just words. I wish I could take them back.

Edited January 25, 2008 by shadowplay

[shadowplay]

I told my bf, in a moment of stress, that I was somewhat interested in his friend and considering whether it would be okay to get to know him better while we took a break. I realized almost immediately what a terrible thing I had done by even mentioning this and apologized profusely. I asked him not to say anything to his friend. I know what I did was wrong, but it was in the heat of the moment, I apologized immediately, and people make mistakes. It's not like I actually went through with it or cheated on him! Then he went to his friend and basically said "Shadowplay wants to boink you." We're both wrong in this situation, imo, though I've hurt him I'm sure more than he has hurt me.

 

And, almost immediately after I confided this in him I said I had changed my mind, and it was a cruel thing to even consider. Yet he went to his friend and said I wanted to sleep with him (sleep with him mind you, not just date him casually), neglecting to mention that I was no longer interested. Then his friend agreed and even mentioned a time a place where we could "do it" as if I just wanted a f!ck and run. I know I created the situation, but I think the way both guys handled it is pretty sick too...

 

I accept full blame for creating the situation and doing something cruel and impulsive, but I don't think it's fair to say the guys involved did nothing wrong.

[spookie]

And, almost immediately after I confided this in him I said I had changed my mind, and it was a cruel thing to even consider. Yet he went to his friend and said I wanted to sleep with him (sleep with him mind you, not just date him casually), neglecting to mention that I was no longer interested. Then his friend agreed and even mentioned a time a place where we could "do it" as if I just wanted a f!ck and run. I know I created the situation, but I think the way both guys handled it is pretty sick too...

 

I accept full blame for creating the situation and doing something cruel and impulsive, but I don't think it's fair to say the guys involved did nothing wrong.

 

Perhaps you mentioned this somewhere eitehr in this thread or one of your earlier ones, but what exactly is going on now between you and your (ex?)bf? Are you still "together"? Friends? In contact?

[shadowplay]

Perhaps you mentioned this somewhere eitehr in this thread or one of your earlier ones, but what exactly is going on now between you and your (ex?)bf? Are you still "together"? Friends? In contact?

 

I don't really know. We haven't officially broken up so technically we're still together. I'm having trouble breaking things off with him. My feelings for him are still pretty strong, believe it or not. I'm torn.

Edited January 25, 2008 by shadowplay

[shadowofman]

Just chiming in without having read all of this. I would probably do it, but I would ask him if he would prefer a tag team. Loyalty amongst my friends is strong enough to withstand any sexual encounter. With the amount of cockblocking that goes on in my town, it's hard to even get mad at anyone. Plus, I have given the ok for many of my friends to have sex with ex girlfriends of mine, most of which were very into it. I'm sure several of the boys feel a bit indebted to hospitality.

[shadowplay]

Just chiming in without having read all of this. I would probably do it, but I would ask him if he would prefer a tag team. Loyalty amongst my friends is strong enough to withstand any sexual encounter. With the amount of cockblocking that goes on in my town, it's hard to even get mad at anyone. Plus, I have given the ok for many of my friends to have sex with ex girlfriends of mine, most of which were very into it. I'm sure several of the boys feel a bit indebted to hospitality.

 

My bf actually proposed the idea to me of a threesome (with his friend), but I wasn't too into it...

[lino]

My God, I've followed your whole story since you started writing about it here & I can't believe it ended like this!

 

Never would I do this to any of my friends, not even with an ex girlfriend of theirs!

 

And, almost immediately after I confided this in him I said I had changed my mind, and it was a cruel thing to even consider. Yet he went to his friend and said I wanted to sleep with him (sleep with him mind you, not just date him casually), neglecting to mention that I was no longer interested. Then his friend agreed and even mentioned a time a place where we could "do it" as if I just wanted a f!ck and run. I know I created the situation, but I think the way both guys handled it is pretty sick too...

 

I accept full blame for creating the situation and doing something cruel and impulsive, but I don't think it's fair to say the guys involved did nothing wrong.

 

If I was in your bf's situation, I would have told the friend about it too. The instant you'd have mentioned wanting to casually date the friend while having a break from me, we'd be instantly finished, no discussion, no taking it back, regrets, nothing!! It doesn't matter that you took it back, saying something like that would be a 100% deal breaker for me.

The part I bolded though is seriously not right & I'd question what sort of friendship these guys really had. The only way I could see that happening between me & one of my friends is if we both had such a microscopic level of respect for the girl & if that was the case I would never have had her as a gf in the 1st place!

 

 

If I were the bf, I would be upset that my gf had such thoughts. And if I were the gf, I'd be upset that he shared such a personal, private conversation with someone.

 

There is no winner here.

 

upset is putting it mildly IMO & I'd have no problem sharing that with my friend because she'd be my ex gf by the time he hears it!

women come & go, mates are forever!

[Woggle]

Hell no and no real man would. I would never stab another man in the back like that.

[shadowofman]

Hahahaha!

Deal breaker, that's harsh!

[shadowplay]

My God, I've followed your whole story since you started writing about it here & I can't believe it ended like this!

 

 

Neither can I. I'm willing to accept the blame. It's just depressing what a soap opera this has become. For what it's worth my boyfriend confessed that when he was 17 he slept with his then best friend's girlfriend while they were still together. And he continued to do so even after his friend found out and broke up with the girl... Although I'm at fault here, it almost makes me wonder if there's some sort of Karmic force at work.

Edited January 25, 2008 by shadowplay

[spookie]

Neither can I. I'm willing to accept the blame. It's just depressing what a soap opera this has become. For what it's worth my boyfriend confessed that when he was 17 he slept with his then best friend's girlfriend while they were still together. And he continued to do so even after his friend found out. Although I'm at fault here, it almost makes me wonder if there's some sort of Karmic force at work.

 

I don't think it's Karmic work so much as emotionally-unstable, destructive masochists attracting one another.

 

Offering up his gf to another dude and then going so far as to suggest a threesome with his male best friend... those are NOT the actions of an emotionally-healthy early-twenties male.

 

He was probably screwed-up before you got there. That's probably why it lasted so long.

 

Don't you want to rise above all this? Or do you get some kind of kick out of pain?

[lino]

Well of course that's a sh*t thing that he did.

I don't personally believe in karma though.

[shadowplay]

I don't think it's Karmic work so much as emotionally-unstable, destructive masochists attracting one another.

 

Offering up his gf to another dude and then going so far as to suggest a threesome with his male best friend... those are NOT the actions of an emotionally-healthy early-twenties male.

 

He was probably screwed-up before you got there. That's probably why it lasted so long.

 

Don't you want to rise above all this? Or do you get some kind of kick out of pain?

 

I'm trying to rise above it now, but I don't have a time machine. I'm not sure what more I can do. At least I never acted on it.

Edited January 25, 2008 by shadowplay

[spookie]

I'm trying to rise above it now, but I don't have a time machine. I'm not sure what more I can do. At least I never acted on it.

 

You can put this trainwreck of a relationship behind you and move on.

 

I think whether or not your bf was at fault is irrelevent. Some things cause irrevocable damage. IMO, what's already been done qualifies. I don't think you cannot build a happy future with someone after the two of you have seriously considered you sleeping with his best friend.

 

And this is on TOP of the fact that this R has caused nothing but emotional turmoil for both of you for its entire duration.

 

You have to be stronger, shadow. Believe in yourself, in the fact that you do not need to be motivated by fear. It's ok to be alone. It's ok even to be alone forever; it's never killed anyone, and some people even learn to be happy.

 

You have to let this one go. You're just wasting time. The more time you waste, the further away you are from where you want to be.

[torranceshipman]

If one of my female best friends came back n said 'my boyfriend is being flaky n worse still said he wants to have sex with YOU' - man! Me and all our other friends would tell her to dump him pronto, and I'd probably worry about theeffect it'd have on our friendship....so the guys in your situ probably think ths is a bit of a disaster too....

[Storyrider]

The film "Chasing Amy" is all about this scenario. It didn't end well, really.

[oppath]

The film "Chasing Amy" is all about this scenario. It didn't end well, really.

 

The only way to keep him attached after this damage is to join him in a pair of Chinese finger cuffs.

 

I'm curious though: Shadowplay, why are you asking this question?

 

Do you want to know why your bf would tell him? Any time you mention a 3rd party, it's likely to get out and come back to bite you.

 

Do you want to know why your bf would even consider allowing this? He's hurt and vulnerable. He doesn't know what to do and is incapable of making a rational decision. Basically, he's too hurt to say "go **** yourself." He wants to keep you in his life so you can alleviate the pain. People, in that situation, often do or say irrational things.

 

Do you want to know why your bf's friend would even say "yes."? You don't know how serious he was. You don't know if he'd follow through. I might be willing to go through with something like that if it would hurt the girl. I'd be likely to do it, then call her a slut or whore and to never call me again. Why? Bro's before ho's. Or, he could have been joking. You just don't know. It's not worth analyzing. It really is not.

 

What do you hope to gain from this? A chance at the friend? Resolution with your bf?

 

As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter if your bf messed up and said or did something hurtful too. If you stick a knife in someone, and they scream, obscenities, you are responsible for those obscenities. Transferring responsibility to your bf is gaslighting. "What you did wasn't so bad. He's overreacting." Healthy relationships aren't like that. You are essentially saying what you did wasn't so bad because he acted badly in response. The only action is to take 98% of the responsibility here.

 

It sounds like you want to do this and are trying to do it, but what does it matter "why" his friend said yes? You aren't going to follow through with it, right? Are you going to work things out with your bf? Or are you going to end it? Your bf confiding in his friend and his friend saying yes are embarrassing for you, but so what. You have to own it and work on the relationship -- taking all responsibility no matter if you were embarrassed at your bf sharing -- or end it.

[halfarock]

Guys, would you have sex with your best friend's girlfriend?

 

I would and I have but it depends. If a guy came to me and offered to share his girlfriend I would find that to be a bit creepy. One of my brothers, when he was going through the divorce with his ex-wife revealed that she had expressed desires for me. She even sort of came on to me a couple of times, but I was never attracted to her and nothing ever came of it.

 

On another occasion a friend of mine, while introducing his girlfriend to me, told me that she was really good in bed and that I was welcome to try her out. It made me uncomfortable and it greatly embarrassed her and I’m sure it contributed to the shortness of their relationship. However I did end up dating her later on.

 

I have hooked up with several women (wives and girlfriends of friends) who I met when friends brought them around. I’m sure the guy was unaware in every case.

[shadowplay]

To those who say that irrevocable damage has been done, I'm not so sure in this case...

 

My boyfriend was very hurt, I know, and rightly so, but he doesn't seem any more distant than before. He still tells me that he loves me all the time. He still imagines a future with me. In fact a few days after our blow up he sent me a long email expressing his feelings and saying that he's "deeply in love with me." And he'll do "whatever it takes" to make things work between us.

 

So is it really worth breaking up? Despite everything that has gone down I have strong feelings for him, and I don't want to lose him. He doesn't want to lose me. Yes, there are things about him that bother me, as I'm sure there are plenty of things about me that bother him (I'm the first to admit I can be a real pain in the ass)...but we both still care about each other. So why end things? Can't we weather this storm?

 

I'm just playing the devil's advocate here. I'm still undecided. If anything this whole ordeal has made me feel more committed to him because I was so close to losing him for good and I didn't like the way that felt.

 

Maybe I just want people to convince me to break up with him....because my heart really doesn't feel in it. I'm curious to hear your opinons, and sort of hoping to be swayed with rationality.

 

And for the last time...I have no intention of sleeping with his friend! That was a passing thing that came out in the heat of the moment. I won't lie -- I'm still attracted to his friend but I'll control myself. That said the fact that he so willingly went along with it made me like him less (as I'm sure I likewise lowered in his esteem). Funny how two people can judge each other for engaging in the same behavior. Anyway, I already told him directly that I didn't want to when he emailed me to arrange a get together, and I turned him down. The door has been closed for now. Capisci?

 

I can't promise that if my boyfriend and I broke up for other reasons, I wouldn't consider dating his friend once my bf was over me -- in say a year or so -- and if he gave me permission to do so. Would that really be so wrong? This guy and I have a lot in common (aside from being disloyal jerks), and that's something I rarely encounter. I'm being totally honest here, and I'm sorry if I'm coming off as an *********.

Edited January 26, 2008 by shadowplay