This is kinda odd and hurtful

[HokeyReligions]

I just need to get this off my chest. I have a friend, Jeff, that I went to highschool with. Actually, we were part of a clique of 3 girls and 3 boys. NO romance between any of us - we were all just good friends.

 

After highschool, Joe traveled around and during this time he came out of the closet. The other members of the clique decided that their religious upbringing would not allow them to be friends with Joe. That wasn't the case with me - I didn't care about that part of his life. (Note: this was before Aides & yeah, I'm old)

 

Anyway, with 4 people against him, and his family against him, he decided to move away. We didn't see or hear from him again.

 

During college the rest of us drifted apart a little. One girl drifted completely away. I stayed close with Mary, Jeff, and Dennis though and even tho we went to different schools, we got together often and remained good friends. NOT romantic - none of us were dating much but rather concentrating on our studies.

 

Jeff, who has a physical handicap and has a learning disibility, dropped out of college after the first year. We still stayed friends though and he went with us wherever we hung out, although by this time his emotional/mental processess were changing and his home life was very strict and rigid.

 

At one point during our 4th year of college, Jeff, Mary and I went to Dennis' apartment (he shared an apartment off-campus with some other college guys) and during this visit Jeff was supposed to spend the night there and come back the next day with Dennis, while Mary & I had to leave that night. Not a big deal - more of a transportaion and appointment scheduling thing -- we'd done this before. Well, at some point during that night Jeff walked into the living room stark naked and made a pass at Dennis. We didn't know Jeff was gay.

 

You can guess what Mary & Dennis said and did. Well, they had grown up some since Joe left and eventually "forgave" Jeff for his behavior and we all went on being friends.

 

I eventually moved to another part of the country and a year after me, Jeff moved away too - with his family. A year after that, Dennis moved to another country.

 

That has been over 20 years ago now. I stayed in contact via phone and letters with everyone for several years, but that started dwindling too, which is normal. Eventually the only person I stayed in touch with was Jeff. He had never dated and his physical and mental disabilities grew worse. Then his mother died and his father had alzheimers and eventually died. Jeff cannot live alone so he lived with his sister and her husband. His sister is a very, VERY strict baptist and got Jeff into counseling about his homosexuality.

 

During all these years Jeff and I would write every month or so and call each other a few times a year. Send Christmas presents, etc. I am Jeff's one and only friend and he confided everything to me. He was talking last year about wanting his own home and a loving companion and not sure how to go about it - he doesn't do the bar scene, but he was feeling desperate. I told him that his sexuality didn't matter to me - I still loved him as a friend and I was behind him in whatever decisions he made, and I tried to give him some help in making the right decisions for him. I found some community resources for the handicapped, and some support groups for homosexuals and contacted them myself and had them contact Jeff, because Jeff talked about it, but he was too afraid to make the first move. Also, Jeff can't drive and was totally at the mercy of his sister - who controlled all aspects of Jeff's life.

 

Well, I have been writing and calling for over 9 months now and no one that I've been able to reach knows where Jeff is. I figured that his sister was intercepting my letters - she always answered the phone and would tell me that Jeff was unavailable, but this has gone on too long now. I even checked their local newspapers and the newspapers back home for obits. Jeff's name was never in there (thank goodness).

 

I called the police department in the town where he lives or lived, and they could not help me. Jeff had no other friends except me and I've contacted all that is left of his family in both states and they can't or won't tell me anything.

 

Jeff was depressed (who wouldn't be having to live like this?) and I'm afraid that he is dead - probably by his own hand. If he is, I'm sure Joan (his sister) blames me, because I never discouraged his sexual orientation, but rather tried to help him be safe.

 

Does anyone out there live in or near Murfreesboro Tenn. ? Any other suggestions (short of hiring a private eye - which I can't afford, or going to TN myself - which I also can't afford) on how I can find out what happened to my friend Jeff? I know his sister got married but I don't know what her last name is now, and I'm sure they have moved - the phone number that I had for him is no longer in service and letters come back undeliverable - addressee no longer at that address.

 

Thanks to those of you who read this whole thing!

[Tony T]

Call the newspaper in Murphreesboro ( http://www.see-tennessee.com/cities/murfreesboro/murfreesboro_media.htm ) , ask to speak to the librarian and explain your problem. They will look the name up in their files to see if there's been an obituary. They can also give you the name of the health department where death certificates are kept so you can find out if there is a death record.

 

Perhaps you could put an ad in the personals section of that paper to see if anybody has heard from him or knows where he is now.

 

Also at the newspaper, ask to speak to a reporter and explain your problem. Reporters know how to get this information fast in the public record, through city directors, utility bills, etc. and can quickly find out if he still lives there, if he died or when he moved if he moved.

 

Also, go to http://www.google.com and enter "people finder" in the search field. There you can find message boards that specialize in finding people. There may even be some gay message boards. Put up a few posts and see what happens. My best is that if you are agressive at this, you will find him in just a few days....hopefully he will be alive.

 

There are also some pay services who will get your question answered for about $59. You will also find those services in google...and they are advertised all over the net.

 

Good luck.

[HokeyReligions]

Thank you Tony. I did call and have a search made at two newspapers in/near Murfreesboro and back in Michigan where we are from. They had no notice of his death. I will put ads in those papers and check into the other ideas you gave me, including talking to reporters at the papers.

 

--thanks for reading all the way thru my long, long post!

[HokeyReligions]

I posted a while back about a friend that I had not heard from in ages and had apparently moved. I contacted hospitals and had the papers do a search for an obit, etc.

 

He is alive. He was very ill and in a nursing home. His sister cut off all contact with me because my friend is gay and was asking me for help in dealing with his family and finding companionship.

 

I was worried about him being hurt because he's not physically strong and not the "bar" type of person (doesn't drink, can't dance, VERY introverted) but a gay bar is the only place he thought he could go. I gave him some names of support groups and "gay friendly" family-oriented clubs, etc. and preached safe-sex to him, and his sister was outraged that I was supportive of him. He is hurting emotionally and his sister (who he lives with as he is unable to live alone) is so very strict in her religious beliefs and was so busy demeaning him, that she was not very understanding about his needs. I tried to tell her that I was not supporting the gay life-style, but I was trying to be supportive of his emotional needs by listening and trying to look out for his welfare, but she didn't see it that way.

 

Anyway, I finally found him in a nursing home under his mothers maiden name. We are being careful of our correspondence now - going thru someone else. I am his one and only friend - he talks to no one else and doesn't have any activity other than his sister and her church. At least he now has me as a contact again.

[jalexy]

well i am very glad for you. im glad hes ok.