brown_yr_aur Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 We got engaged and married rather quickly (engaged after 9mo, married at 2 yrs), but its complicated. We did a sort of long distance thing for most of the first 1-1/2 yrs. Things were great at first, but we both have our issues. She is a control-freak/over-achiever/center-of-attention/work now, play later type of person. I'm laid back, day-to-day, live and let live lover of life. Looking back , most of our relationship has been about her, and not that I would have it any other way, but she DEMANDS it, more or less, and can be very manipulative about reaching her long term and daily goals. Her needs are exclusively the important ones, and everything in our lives adheres strictly to her idea of what should be there. My needs, wants, and dreams are always taking back burner to anything she wants. Our sexual relationship took a dive before we were even married, and we're only in our mid 20's. When we do have sex, its always planned for "later" and its so incredibly routine. She puts so much effort into everything in her own life, but saves little attention for me... until recently. We got into some incredible fights a few months ago. She was going through huge bouts of screaming and "belittling" because that is how she keeps control. I became miserable and spent the next month in deep depression. Many times before I had begged her to hear me out, but she would only respond to my efforts with a snide "YES SIR" like me expressing my needs or wishes was attempts to gain control, or personal attacks that she "wasn't good enough". (they weren't all about sex, but also often just about time together, attention, relaxation- she's super high stress!) She never would hear me out. I've been miserable for a long time. Meanwhile in December, I met someone else who is kind, passionate, independent, possesses all the qualities I admire. I know that first impressions are always coated in sugar, but I REALLY like this girl. She makes me feel a way I haven't felt in a long time. We've been seeing each other for nearly 2mo now, she knows I'm married and is always telling me I need to leave. My wife, after telling her how I felt and threatening to leave, has FINALLY seen my points about herself and my needs, but it took me threatening to leave to get her there and I'm angry about that. If you love someone, you hear them out always! She promises she'll change but I can't help but think she's only trying to get me to stay and that our usual routine will resume after a few weeks/months., plus I now have developed feelings for another... I feel terrible about possibly hurting her, but its been so bad for a while now, and I haven't felt good about it even before I went outside my marriage. I don't know what to do! part of me says "LEAVE! YOU'LL NEVER BE HAPPY!" and part says "HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO SOMEONE?! YOU MADE A COMMITMENT!" I have only summarized the situation, despite the lengthy post. the situation is complicated and I've been dying inside and losing sleep for quite some time... Link to post Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 I can' even tell you how much we are alike in our situations. But I have to tell you, that meeting some one else and leaving the marriage must be separate. If you leave the marriage it has to be because of all the issues at hand, the way she doesn't change, the immature ways of handling conflict. That has to be the reasons to move on. Aside from that, this person you've met tat you like, you have to keep under control while you're dealing with the marriage. I am in this situation myself, and just be sure and recognize what is, and not what could be. Making a commitment to some one, I am the same in that when I think of leaving I am reminded of this. But we are human, and can only tolerate so much from another human being can we not? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 You and your wife need to go to marriage counselling NOW. And, you need to dump your new girlfriend because having her in your life is not going to help you save your marriage, that is, if you're willing to try to save it. The other woman is TELLING you to leave, she's influencing you in a negative way because it suits HER if you leave your wife. She isn't a true friend who is telling you to live up to your marriage vows, to do everything possible to fix/save the marriage. You and your wife have some serious problems and with counselling you two CAN learn to communicate better, to really listen to eachother and compromise. . If you love someone, you hear them out always! She promises she'll change but I can't help but think she's only trying to get me to stay and that our usual routine will resume after a few weeks/months., Which is why you and your wife need help, marriage counselling.. plus I now have developed feelings for another... By having another woman in your life is ONLY confusing things and making it worse. That and you're going against your marriage vows by cheating on your wife. Yes, even if you haven't had sex with this OW, you ARE having an inappropriate friendship, an emotional affair. You don't know this woman very well, though you DO know she makes you feel good and gives you attention, meets needs that your wife isn't meeting. That's wrong and it's selfish of you. Your other option is, divorce your wife now and then go date the other woman. OR, break it off with the OW and go fix things with your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brown_yr_aur Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 I agree with both previous replies, thank your time evaluating and responding to my post. I have considered moving out for as little as a month to 8 wks or so, distancing myself from both women and taking time to really evaluate and consider myself and this decision from a safe distance. what do you think about this option? is it running away or does it seem logically sound considering I'm dealing with the REST OF MY LIFE ? I just feel the need to distance myself right now to form a clearer picture of the situation... Link to post Share on other sites
CraigAllen Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 You and your wife need to go to marriage counselling NOW. Not to hijack this thread, but I'm curious. Have you and your husband been to MC yourselves? I'm just curious if you speak from experience or perhaps you are a MC yourself. It just seems that the tone in your posts speak with such authority and I have read so many of your posts, I would just like to know what your experiences are that give you the basis for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
ElvenPriestess Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 I agree with both previous replies, thank your time evaluating and responding to my post. I have considered moving out for as little as a month to 8 wks or so, distancing myself from both women and taking time to really evaluate and consider myself and this decision from a safe distance. what do you think about this option? is it running away or does it seem logically sound considering I'm dealing with the REST OF MY LIFE ? I just feel the need to distance myself right now to form a clearer picture of the situation... I think this is a great idea. A way for you to gain perspective with out the distraction of the two involved. You can clear your mind, focus on fact with out form and really grasp what you need. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 26, 2008 Share Posted January 26, 2008 I think this is a great idea. A way for you to gain perspective with out the distraction of the two involved. You can clear your mind, focus on fact with out form and really grasp what you need. It seems like a thinly veiled excuse to be with your OW as I'd bet money that you wouldn't go the 8 weeks with out seeing her ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
billgreene Posted January 26, 2008 Share Posted January 26, 2008 sounds like she's very type A. That means if you wanna try to stay in it, you get to be the side kick. That means you have to really enjoy the things she's into, and know a lot about them, and rarely and carefully disagree with her. If this isnt something you can do... then your relationship with her will not work. It's part of her core personality that.... without a LOT of counseling (I mean months.) She's not going to mellow out, and even if she does, it'll be with a few compromises on your end about stuff she just cant handle. I went through 8 mo or more of MC to try to mellow myself out some, there are some things i still won't tolerate.... one is my wife's bitching, but thats another story. So here's how I'd think about it..... If I thought I could enjoy being her sidekick/cheerleader, and fully support her in all her ambitions and take personal interest.... Id give her a try, and tell the OW to give you a break for a couple months to let you try things out. (She'll know the OW is always a possibility... so she'll be trying hard for the first year.. hopefully that'll be enuf to form better habits and personality traits on her end.) And seek MC Second suggestion.... if that's not gonna work... fully jump the fence, but don't burn bridges..... I'd try living with the OW and leave the W hanging if you can get away with it.... if life is bliss in a few months... no red flags... move on and get the divorce. From a control freak's perspective..... Is the reason that she's changing her tune because she realizes she loves you or because she realizes she's lost control of you and is trying to entice you back into her pasture so she can rope you and ride you again. If its the first... she'll remember it, and you'll become ambition #1 and priority #1. If its the second... once she's under the illusion that you're roped again she may revert back to the same old stuff.... Good luck.... I've personally felt lately that In my past I'd rather have done whats been most comfortable and makes me happy at the time rather than worrying about committments or futures, or what my decisions say about me. Do what makes you feel best, and what will make you feel best in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
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