should I throw my exH under the bus?

[amaysngrace]

I put this in the abuse forum because I was abused in the past by my ex husband. I think that's important to say because it'll help you get a better idea of where my head is at with this.

 

Next Friday we go before a hearing officer because he's behind in child support. He barely paid since October. He called last night and told me he has a job now. Which means it'll get automatically deducted from his pay again.

 

He did the same crap at the same time last year too. We went to court last March. The hearing officer told him regardless if he's working or not he needs to send in the payment each week. I don't think he heard her because all he seemed focused on was her telling him he needs to pay me back $100 extra per week and his mind stopped there. I had no objection but he did so I bended for him and let him pay me back $50 extra instead of $100.

 

We are each to get one child as a deduction on tax returns. I don't work so I don't file and I let him take my deduction again this year. I don't have to do this but I did figuring he and his wife work hard they do help support the kids.

 

Last night he asked me if I'd be okay with him giving me just $50 extra again this time. I said yes. Although it really bothers me that he doesn't give a crap about if the kids are okay or not when he isn't paying. Not even a loaf of bread. He shows no interest.

 

He gave me some sob story about how things are tight for him now. His wife is an RN and they live with her mom who works too. So they are three working adults in that house and in my house is me with a limited income and two children. I count on his support to make ends meet. Certainly our situations are nothing alike.

 

I think he works under the table during the fall. He quit his job this time the same time he did the year before. He fell behind in support at the same time too.

 

In summer when he was working a lot he told me that when the place cuts back his hours he'd see the kids more. He lost his job in the fall and actually saw the kids less than he did in summer. So I wonder if he wasn't working then why isn't he seeing the kids more?

 

I just don't want this to become a pattern, ya know? I want to blow his cover. But either he's lying about not working or lying about seeing the kids more. Either way he's a liar, right? If he's not working where was he?

 

So would anybody like to tell me what they would do?

[Trialbyfire]

should I throw my exH under the bus?

There's only one word that best describes what you should do.

 

YES!!

[amaysngrace]

There's only one word that best describes what you should do.

 

YES!!

 

Oh my goodness...this made me laugh out loud. Thank you for that!

[Pyro]

I put this in the abuse forum because I was abused in the past by my ex husband. I think that's important to say because it'll help you get a better idea of where my head is at with this.

 

Next Friday we go before a hearing officer because he's behind in child support. He barely paid since October. He called last night and told me he has a job now. Which means it'll get automatically deducted from his pay again.

 

He did the same crap at the same time last year too. We went to court last March. The hearing officer told him regardless if he's working or not he needs to send in the payment each week. I don't think he heard her because all he seemed focused on was her telling him he needs to pay me back $100 extra per week and his mind stopped there. I had no objection but he did so I bended for him and let him pay me back $50 extra instead of $100.

 

We are each to get one child as a deduction on tax returns. I don't work so I don't file and I let him take my deduction again this year. I don't have to do this but I did figuring he and his wife work hard they do help support the kids.

 

Last night he asked me if I'd be okay with him giving me just $50 extra again this time. I said yes. Although it really bothers me that he doesn't give a crap about if the kids are okay or not when he isn't paying. Not even a loaf of bread. He shows no interest.

 

He gave me some sob story about how things are tight for him now. His wife is an RN and they live with her mom who works too. So they are three working adults in that house and in my house is me with a limited income and two children. I count on his support to make ends meet. Certainly our situations are nothing alike.

 

I think he works under the table during the fall. He quit his job this time the same time he did the year before. He fell behind in support at the same time too.

 

In summer when he was working a lot he told me that when the place cuts back his hours he'd see the kids more. He lost his job in the fall and actually saw the kids less than he did in summer. So I wonder if he wasn't working then why isn't he seeing the kids more?

 

I just don't want this to become a pattern, ya know? I want to blow his cover. But either he's lying about not working or lying about seeing the kids more. Either way he's a liar, right? If he's not working where was he?

 

So would anybody like to tell me what they would do?

 

You have been way too nice to this guy already. As long as you are being nice about it, he will always have an excuse. No more Ms. Nice Gal. Show him no mercy. Make him pay every cent that is owed to you and your kids.

[amaysngrace]

No more Ms. Nice Gal. Show him no mercy. Make him pay every cent that is owed to you and your kids.

 

But that's what's screwed up in my head. I have no backbone when it comes to this guy. I freeze in fear and try to pacify him. I can be a bitch. I can. Just not to him.

[Pyro]

But that's what's screwed up in my head. I have no backbone when it comes to this guy. I freeze in fear and try to pacify him. I can be a bitch. I can. Just not to him.

 

You can continue to freeze in fear and have this same problem, or you can do something about it. Unleash the bytch.

[lovelorcet]

Why not work yourself a bit so that you are not so dependent on him? I doubt he will change much no matter what you do.

[sb129]

But that's what's screwed up in my head. I have no backbone when it comes to this guy. I freeze in fear and try to pacify him. I can be a bitch. I can. Just not to him.

 

What are you scared of?

 

You have got custody right?

 

TBF is right. YES.

 

He owes you the money, you need it, and you have given him more than enough leeway already.

[amaysngrace]

You can continue to freeze in fear and have this same problem, or you can do something about it. Unleash the bytch.

 

Yeah I know. And I appreciate it but some things are easier said than done. At least I have a week to prepare.

 

I maybe want to call our probation officer about it and see if there's a way I don't have to show up so that I don't have to agree with him. I'd like to go with the court's recommendation. But I said yes to him and if I take it back then I'm wrong.

 

My bills are so behind that $50 a week isn't going to do much to get me caught up at all.

 

He only saw the kids once in October, once in November, once in December plus Christmas day and he saw them once in January. He's getting them tonight of course with court being next week. He wouldn't bail now.

 

Of course if I don't show up next week then bail may very well be an issue if I just let the hearing officer have her way with him.

[Pyro]

Yeah I know. And I appreciate it but some things are easier said than done. At least I have a week to prepare.

 

I maybe want to call our probation officer about it and see if there's a way I don't have to show up so that I don't have to agree with him. I'd like to go with the court's recommendation. But I said yes to him and if I take it back then I'm wrong.

 

My bills are so behind that $50 a week isn't going to do much to get me caught up at all.

 

He only saw the kids once in October, once in November, once in December plus Christmas day and he saw them once in January. He's getting them tonight of course with court being next week. He wouldn't bail now.

 

Of course if I don't show up next week then bail may very well be an issue if I just let the hearing officer have her way with him.

 

I understand that it is easier said then done. Prepare all you can. LS is a great motivator. Just do what you can and prepare for his BS excuses. Don't let him off the hook in the least bit. He owes you.

[amaysngrace]

Why not work yourself a bit so that you are not so dependent on him? I doubt he will change much no matter what you do.

 

This is my plan. I do want to get a job. Where I want to go isn't hiring yet but my application is in.

 

What are you scared of?

 

I'm scared of being a bitch to him. Of not agreeing with him. He can become quite a monster towards me. I don't like to feel that way.

[sb129]

 

I'm scared of being a bitch to him. Of not agreeing with him. He can become quite a monster towards me. I don't like to feel that way.

 

Fair enough. But he is already being pretty horrible towards you.... he is taking advantage of your good nature.

[Pyro]

Fair enough. But he is already being pretty horrible towards you.... he is taking advantage of your good nature.

 

Exactly. You may be afraid to be mean to him, but he sure isn't.

[amaysngrace]

Exactly. You may be afraid to be mean to him, but he sure isn't.

 

Why would he be? I never intimidated him.

 

I hate feeling like this. It's like he has some kind of control over me. I'm not me at all when he's in the picture. I go back to being the good little wifey.

 

I really don't know how I'm suppose to grow a set of balls between now and next Friday. I had them once. When I left.

 

But I let it all go. I softened up after the divorce. Do you believe I actually feel sorry for the guy because he says he's hurting financially?

 

I'm still letting myself get mindf*cked by this. I desperately need clarity.

[nittygritty]

Try to look at it like he has no problem throwing your kids under the bus when he chooses not to be a responsible parent and pay the correct amount of child support and also see the kids when he's supposed to.

 

Being understanding and allowing him to continue treating your kids like he does isn't working to change his behavior. You've got the opportunity to get something done in court that has the potential to help your kids.

 

Even if your attempt for change doesn't work at least you tried doing all that you can do.

 

I'd recommend you not only throw him under the bus but use the bus to repeatedly run over him until he quits making his "problems", problems for your kids that your having to repeatedly try to do damage control and raise for the most part all by yourself.

 

Unleash!

Edited January 25, 2008 by nittygritty

[amaysngrace]

Try to look at it like he has no problem throwing your kids under the bus when he chooses not to be a responsible parent and pay the correct amount of child support and also see the kids when he's supposed to.

 

Being understanding and allowing him to continue treating your kids like he does isn't working to change his behavior. You've got the opportunity to get something done in court that has the potential to help your kids.

 

Even if your attempt for change doesn't work at least you tried doing all that you can do.

 

I'd recommend you not only throw him under the bus but use the bus to repeatedly run over him until he quits making his "problems", problems for your kids that your having to repeatedly try to do damage control and raise for the most part all by yourself.

 

Unleash!

 

I am so going to read this again when I need to. Your post really helped me feel empowered. Of course my kids. I've always drawn my strength from acting on their behalf. I forgot and you reminded me. Thank you so much.

 

XO

[nittygritty]

I am so going to read this again when I need to. Your post really helped me feel empowered. Of course my kids. I've always drawn my strength from acting on their behalf. I forgot and you reminded me. Thank you so much.

 

XO

 

 

Your very welcome, Grace.

[Pyro]

Why would he be? I never intimidated him.

 

I hate feeling like this. It's like he has some kind of control over me. I'm not me at all when he's in the picture. I go back to being the good little wifey.

 

I really don't know how I'm suppose to grow a set of balls between now and next Friday. I had them once. When I left.

 

But I let it all go. I softened up after the divorce. Do you believe I actually feel sorry for the guy because he says he's hurting financially?

 

I'm still letting myself get mindf*cked by this. I desperately need clarity.

 

He is being mean to you. Nittygriity gave a great explanation on how he is being mean. He is not being mean, but he is taking advantage of your kindness, which is in a way being mean.

[whichwayisup]

I'm scared of being a bitch to him. Of not agreeing with him. He can become quite a monster towards me. I don't like to feel that way.

 

He knows how to push your buttons, he knows your weaknesses and he uses it against you because you are a giving, caring person. He's banking on that so you won't be a bitch to him.

 

Well, you don't have to always agree with him and those times you DO disagree with him, say your peace and walk away. You don't HAVE to hear him out, you don't owe him anything in the sense of having to deal with him on a daily basis. He starts being a pricky monster to you, TELL him you're going to walk away or you're going to hang up the phone if he doesn't be quiet, calm down and start treating you with respect.

 

Don't let him intimidate you!

[amaysngrace]

Thanks Pyro and Whichypoo.

 

I know what I have to do. I have to put my foot down and not take his crap. I kind of lost sight of the big picture because I was too consumed by my own feelings. Feeling victimized and whatnot. Shame on me.

 

But nittygritty helped me remove my head from my sphincter.

 

It's not about me being the victim anymore. Now it's about me being a survivor and me being the voice for my children. I'm sure they don't want a victim looking out for them. I know if I was a kid I certainly wouldn't.

 

Right now I feel like "bring it on". I'm pumped.

[Pyro]

Thats the spirit. Roll with it and like I said before, show him no mercy and do not let him off the hook. Be prepared for him to tell another sob story that is just his way to try and get out of it.