Weird feelings in LDR?

[j_hunt_12]

Hey, so I've been in an LDR 1.5 months now and it just feels a little strange. I dont know. Although I really believe in LDRs, I dont think that I've ever really looked at LDRs as "real" relationships quite as much as many do.

 

Basically, me and my GF, who I was with (for real) for 4 or so months, really fell in love and we are very compatible on all aspects; but she left the country, and now it's an LDR. Overall, everything has been going OK: I completely trust her and she trusts me, we write often, we send each other stuff, we are planning to meet in a few months for a while, I think about her all the time, I really want to be together long-term and so does she. BUT I just dont feel right or something. I guess because there is no solid end in site although we will most likely be together 2 or 3 years from now.

 

I can't really explain what I feel, but I just dont like feeling this way. For example, I get jumpy about her not writing for a few days even though it really is not her fault and she tells me ahead of time; I have this overwhelming feeling I'm still single although I'm not and I dont act like it; few people around where I live treat me like I'm in a relationship even though I tell everyone I have a GF. The distance is not really a problem, she's worth the wait (she's worth any wait) and I couldn't leave her to save my life, but It's just a weird feeling and I was wondering if anyone else has felt this way. What can you do to fix it? Is this normal in an LDR? What other types of weird feelings have you gotten in an LDR???

 

peace and thanks

 

P.S.this is a 5000+ mile LDR.

Edited January 25, 2008 by j_hunt_12

[TMichaels]

Hey, so I've been in an LDR 1.5 months now and it just feels a little strange. I dont know. Although I really believe in LDRs, I dont think that I've ever really looked at LDRs as "real" relationships quite as much as many do.

 

Depends on what you want, j_hunt_12. Do you want the girl, or do you want anyone as long as they are in close physical proximity? If you want both, you have to be willing to sacrifice for the moment to have what you desire in the end.

 

 

BUT I just dont feel right or something. I guess because there is no solid end in site although we will most likely be together 2 or 3 years from now.

 

Perhaps that's the problem. You say you two "most likely" will be together in a few years. Why the uncertainty about where your relationship is headed? Have the two of you talked about where you want to go with it? When? Where and How?

 

I can't really explain what I feel, but I just dont like feeling this way. For example, I get jumpy about her not writing for a few days even though it really is not her fault and she tells me ahead of time;

 

Why does this bother you? Are you afraid she's lost interest? Do you want to know if it's over so you can pursue something/someone else?

 

I have this overwhelming feeling I'm still single although I'm not and I dont act like it; few people around where I live treat me like I'm in a relationship even though I tell everyone I have a GF.

 

Comes down to commitment, j_hunt_12. Your g/f may not be physically there with you, but if she has your heart, then you are not interested in or tempted by others. That doesn't mean you should become a hermit -- you should go out and have fun with your friends. If others can't understand your LDR, that's their problem for you to ignore.

 

The distance is not really a problem, she's worth the wait (she's worth any wait) and I couldn't leave her to save my life, but It's just a weird feeling and I was wondering if anyone else has felt this way. What can you do to fix it? Is this normal in an LDR?

 

I'd quit worrying about whether you're normal or not, and concentrate on growing the relationship you have. Fact is, you say you and your g/f want to see this relationship work so you can be together once again.

 

To get through this separation period, both of you have to develop some coping strategies/skills to deal with the distance you are forced to live with for a few years.

 

Balance in both of your lives is important. Though it's great your g/f is always on your mind, the problem is, your g/f is always on your mind, and nothing else is. You need to change that.

 

Having a goal/plan in place is also important. Is there any way either of you can make plans to see each sooner than in 2-3 years?

 

With a 5,000-mile difference, cost is no doubt an issue, but even so, if either/both of you could manage to put away some money a little at a time, getting together even once a year would give you both something to work toward and look for to, not to mention give you a chance to see as time goes by whether "the spark is still there."

 

Finally, don't be too hard on yourself. It's only been 6 wks since your g/f left. The memories/emotions are fresh right now and things will settle down in time. Take a deep breath, try to take each day as it comes, and most importantly, believe in the two of you.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited January 26, 2008 by TMichaels
clarification

[j_hunt_12]

Tmichaels, Thanks for the response....

 

Depends on what you want, j_hunt. Do you want the girl, or do you want anyone as long as they are in close physical proximity? If you want both, you have to be willing to sacrifice for the moment to have what you desire in the end.

 

Perhaps that's the problem. You say you two "most likely" will be together in a few years. Why the uncertainty about where your relationship is headed? Have the two of you talked about where you want to go with it? When? Where and How?

 

I do want her... period. That's not the problem so much. And I do say "most likely", but we have talked about it a lot, and if the LDR works for 2-3 years, we will be together at that time. We also are planning to visit, at very least, once a year for extended periods of time. It will probably be more, like two or three times a year.

 

Why does this bother you? Are you afraid she's lost interest? Do you want to know if it's over so you can pursue something/someone else?

 

I do get afraid she's lost interest... I'll admit it is insecurity on my part, and I'm sure she has the same insecurities but we shy away from talking about it because we really want to avoid any type of argument when we can only write a few times every week and the rare times we get MSN are filled with internet disconnections every 5 minutes etc ( I would hate to be in the middle of a serious discussion than get disconnected and not be able to speak for two weeks - that could be bad)... she hasn't given me any signs she has lost interest, but of course I think about it some times. Your third question: definitely not.

 

I haven't been too much of a hermit I still go out to bars and clubs with friends (for fun - not to pick up girls), and hang out with friends. Unfortunately, not everyone here can know about us, so it's a little more aggrivating. All my close lady friends know we're together though... I made sure of it. I haven't been tempted at all since she left, I just kind of feel single deep down I think.

 

I think, all in all, it's just hard to have the same type of love for someone in an LDR as in a normal relationship. It's not really less love, just a different type of love. And maybe I'm adjusting to it now. I really feel committed and I look forward to us being together, but that passionate physical love, and that cuddly touchy feely love just isn't there. LDRs really mess with your head I think.

 

I think that I'll feel a lot better about everything after we have met at least once since the LDR started... This should be 4 months from now. I'm just curious if anyone else has felt like this or something close, and how it worked out.

[TMichaels]

I really feel committed and I look forward to us being together, but that passionate physical love, and that cuddly touchy feely love just isn't there.

 

Well, of course it's not. The two of you aren't physically together right now, but that doesn't mean you can't treasure the time you had together and look forward to when you will be again.

 

Why does this bother you? Are you afraid she's lost interest? Do you want to know if it's over so you can pursue something/someone else?

 

I do get afraid she's lost interest... I'll admit it is insecurity on my part, and I'm sure she has the same insecurities but we shy away from talking about it because we really want to avoid any type of argument when we can only write a few times every week and the rare times we get MSN are filled with internet disconnections every 5 minutes etc ( I would hate to be in the middle of a serious discussion than get disconnected and not be able to speak for two weeks - that could be bad).

 

Agreed, but shying away from conversations about what either of you are thinking/feeling isn't a good idea -- regardless if a relationship is long-distance, or not.

 

Is there any way the two of you could call each other maybe once a month/2 wks so at least you have a chance to speak in person? If the two of you could use Skype, your calls would be free...

 

I think that I'll feel a lot better about everything after we have met at least once since the LDR started...

 

You may feel better, you may feel worse. Regardless, what you will have is more experience and information about each other which will help both of you decide whether "going the distance" is worth it for this relationship.

 

All that aside, j_hunt_12, try to come to the realization that this whole thing is uncharted territory. Not having all the answers, understanding all your thoughts/feelings/fears is normal.

 

Come to terms with that, and focus on all the new/different/exciting aspects of having someone special in your life, and how the two of you can make even being apart an adventure, not a tragedy.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[j_hunt_12]

ahhh.. It's about to be a week since I've gotten an email I can't stand it. Yeah, phone is possible... she just got her number in the u.s. The time difference is rough, but I think I could arrange once a month... not a bad idea, but first I have to a letter from her so we can arrange when to call.

 

As for now, I'm just waiting... like always.

 

Thanks for the words of wisdom...

[HisLove]

Has she explained why it's been a week since you got an email. Unless either she or you were uncontactable, this space between communications would drive me insane.

 

I've just had 2 weeks no contact, but that's because it wasn't technologically possible for him. Now he's back home, anything less than daily (texts AS WELL AS msn or phone) is not acceptable unless there is an extremely pressing reason. I think he would become very worried if he did not hear from me daily also.

 

If it was me, I'd put these concerns in an email if you can't use msn or text. But I'm a woman and we can talk about these things pretty easily.

 

The email you got - was it upbeat and positive and loving like you would normally expect from her??

[j_hunt_12]

Yeah everything really is normal, her letters are full of "i love you... I miss you" etc. I'm really sure she will not lose interest when I think logically: I'm her first love, she is the more clingy one generally (I'm a very close second), by her religion and beliefs and nationality, she really will probably not leave me. I know that sounds weird, but it's how it is. We are also both really right for each other and are both very vested in this relationship. She was the one that encouraged going into an LDR more throughout the "real" relationship. But that doesn't help me not get worried or jealous sometimes. I feel that maybe I'm just missing something and one day she'll just write that she doesn't want to be together anymore. I dont know... ohh well.

 

Yeah we originally planned to email every day, but the computer at her house was taken out a few weeks after the LDR started. Now, she only has someone else's internet somewhere else that doesn't always work. She's not lying, because I'm good friends with her sister here (who doesn't know about us... it's complicated) and we always get emails the same days... she's never written her sister some day and not written me.

 

I think I'm just not used to the LDR yet. It's an incredibly weird feeling, like someimes I forget parts of her personality and feel like and can't really feel the love there always. But it's still not really "fading", and I still feel very commited to the relationship. Although it is changing in ways.

 

I also think that she doesn't really care as much about the emails. Not because she doesn't care, but because she believes more strongly in the magical true love that never fades... She probably will not fall out of love because she grew up more with the belief that once you fall in love, it's easy and will be forever, no matter what... in her country people DONT divorce and rarely break up once in a serious relationship... As a westerner (more or less) I'm more in the belief that you have to keep working a great deal to stay in love... especially in LDRs. Not that I'm planning to fall out of love...

 

I originally was hoping that we could whine to each other and go through this all together, but I just feel she's more OK with the whole thing, and I'm left alone to face it. I can't even deal with the issues or organize stuff (like our next get-together) because she only writes once every ten days..... But I don't want to complain to her because it's really not her fault....

 

So I'm at loveshack... thanks friends... hahaha...

Edited January 28, 2008 by j_hunt_12

[j_hunt_12]

Yeah everything really is normal, her letters are full of "i love you... I miss you" etc. I'm really sure she will not lose interest when I think logically: I'm her first love, she is the more clingy one generally (I'm a very close second), by her religion and beliefs and nationality, she really will probably not leave me. I know that sounds weird, but it's how it is. We are also both really right for each other and are both very vested in this relationship. She was the one that encouraged going into an LDR more throughout the "real" relationship. But that doesn't help me not get worried or jealous sometimes. I feel that maybe I'm just missing something and one day she'll just write that she doesn't want to be together anymore. I dont know... ohh well.

 

Yeah we originally planned to email every day, but the computer at her house was taken out a few weeks after the LDR started. Now, she only has someone else's internet somewhere else that doesn't always work. She's not lying, because I'm good friends with her sister here (who doesn't know about us... it's complicated) and we always get emails the same days... she's never written her sister some day and not written me.

 

I think I'm just not used to the LDR yet. It's an incredibly weird feeling, like someimes I forget parts of her personality and feel like and can't really feel the love there always. But it's still not really "fading", and I still feel very commited to the relationship. Although it is changing in ways.

 

I also think that she doesn't really care as much about the emails. Not because she doesn't care, but because she believes more strongly in the magical true love that never fades... She probably will not fall out of love because she grew up more with the belief that once you fall in love, it's easy and will be forever, no matter what... in her country people DONT divorce and rarely break up once in a serious relationship... As a westerner (more or less) I'm more in the belief that you have to keep working a great deal to stay in love... especially in LDRs. Not that I'm planning to fall out of love...

 

.... 1 week.

[j_hunt_12]

Ahhhhhh.... we finally had a good long conversation on msn... and officialized the next trip (soon to be oficialize at least). Everything feels better now...

 

Lesson: never underestimate the importance of communication.. That was killing me for a while.

 

peace