Affair ended and I'm broken hearted

[lonleyheart]

This is a long story but I will give you a condensed version. I work at a company that I see and interact with a lot of men. For years that has never been an issue with me as I'm married and never considered an affair. My husband works alot of shift work and its mostly nights and sleeping in between to recover. This leaves no time for us or a sexlife and as a result we have drifted apart. I was feeling lonely and ignored (and told him so). About 5 months ago a man started flirting and generally pursuing me. At first I was having fun just flirting, then things got more serious. We started IMing and were spending hours on the computer. He would drop by my office, then started calling me everyday so no one would wonder why he spent so much time in my office. At Christmas time, I was having such guilt, I told my husband that I was considering having an affair and all he said was he was disappointed but would try to make me feel more loved. He hasn't. Paul, the other man was having guilt feelings because he has 2 young children (6 & 10) even though we are the same age my son is 22 and away in college. He wants things to work at home because of his children. He would tell me we need to talk so we could end things. I would be broken hearted but agreed he needed to make it work. Things never stopped, he would say I was a drug and he needed more. We just got greedier with each other and grabbed every minute to be alone or call. Things got real physical but we never actually consumated the affair. The guilt got so bad for him he told his wife last night - even my name, told me things were over between us and left me - all this at work. Earlier this evening I was online - hoping he would show up - he did - I am his only contact so I know he was looking for me. He told me he went to the doctor today and the doctor told him he was depressed and put him on anti depressants. I love this man but will not make waves - he does need to make his marriage work if possible. In the meantime I am miserable and I'm sure people at work know what is going on. Should I tell my husband in case his wife tells people about me (small town!) Worse, we both planned to travel south in March and picked the same resort so we could sneak off together. I can't bear the thought of him there with his family, what if we run into each other. She knows who I am! He said they may not go - she may not stay with him. Then I wonder what I will do if she leaves him and he wants to get back with me. I would be second choice and i don't want that. I am so confused. Thanks for any advise

[LakesideDream]

Lonley, It's really hard to gin up enough energy to reply to your post. You begin by saying you were sad, feeling ignored and neglected. That's easy to understand as all of us who have been in long term relationships have felt the same thing.

 

You let that feeling germinate into an affair in which you are/were a very active participant. You seem to take some consolation in the fact that the affair was very physical, but wasn't "actually consumated". I get this as meaning there was mutual masturbation and oral sex. Whether or not this amounts to "consumation" is a question for the reader I suppose.

 

You are now upset that he has chosen to try and save his marriage, and remain a full time father to his two young children. In fact you say you are heartbroken, and don't want to spend a vacation in the same geographical location as your affair partner.

 

Frankly I believe that you have skated by without consequence so far. Your husband is still in the dark, has no clue. You wonder if you should tell your husband.

 

I don't know about telling your husband. As a husband who was cheated on, I would have liked to know if only so I could have left the marriage with some pride. Some men are able to forgive, and pretend to forget. In either case, it seems he would have to know to make his decision.

 

How much time did you invest in saving your marriage before cheating? I don't mean time spent complaining, and feeling sorry for yourself either.

[lonleyheart]

I can hear the hurt in your reply lakesideDream. I have done everything in my power to save my marriage, including taking my husband back after he left me for another woman 6 years ago. I never threw it in his face I just loved him. When my son went away to college I realized that we didn't do anything together so I learned to play golf because it was a sport he liked to do and even though I don't care for it, I go everytime he asks. I am respectful of his work shifts and give him the quiet he needs and care for him emotionally. The problem I have is that he doesn't do the same for me. I realize that men need to me told how we feel and that we can't expect them to guess at our feelings so I have been very open with my husband and actually pleaded with him to show his love because I was having thoughts for someone else. I told him I was considering leaving him. He said he wouldn't be able to stop me but I had to realize he loved me even though he doesn't show it or tell me, I should just know.

I really do want the OM to try and make it work with his wife and family but I never expected to be so broken hearted over it. I will cut him out of all ways to contact me even though I don't want to. Even though it was never the right thing to do; its still hard so I don't feel I have come out of this unscathed.

Did your wife tell you or give you any hints before she left?

[LakesideDream]

Lonely, You didn't go into the above details in your first post, and it makes a difference. I can "hear" the frusteration you feel. The world really isn't black and white, contrary to what some hear believe, And I can understand the need to change your circumstance.

 

I can imagine situations where two people grow apart so substantially that they can no long be married to each other. That didn't happen to me, I was the one willing to do the work right up until the moment that I wasn't.

 

I also understand that it's very difficult and scary to leave a relationship at your age. It's much more appealing to have something to move right into, both to lessen your pain and to provide some security during a chaotic time.

 

I may be able to offer some insite into your husbands behavior. Many men are actually unable to change. They start out as less emotionally connected than women, and continue to grow in that direction during marriage. It's amazing to me that most people don't understand this. When a man is in an "exclusive" relationship, their emotional growth vs. other women begins to decline mainly from lack of contact. Their self esteem is centered away from the home, in business and peer success. Emotional vulnerability is heavily discouraged in the "male" half of society, in fact it is usually suppressed. A man who "wears his heart on his sleeve" is often branded as a "sissy" or "girley man" by his peers. It takes a great deal of emotional strength to go against this section of society, believe me.

 

The above isn't meant to be an excuse for the way you and your husband have grown apart. I do believe it's germaine. There is probably no way to overcome the problem at this point, it's your (and his) decision to try or not.

 

Women have never had so many rights, or options in relationships. Right or wrong, good or bad, that's the reality. I am not wise enough to know whether the good will eventually outweigh the bad. It would be nice to live long enough to see which way society eventually stabilizes.

[LakesideDream]

Did your wife tell you or give you any hints before she left?

 

 

Lonely, sorry I missed your question at the end of the post. My wife did "give me hints" that I didn't understand. 22 months before the eventual divorce I had a major surgery, (abdominal and intestinal) the first in my life. A week after coming home, when I was rehabbing she gave me the "I love you but need space and am not in love with you" speach. We lived in the same house together for 3 months (with our two nearly adult children) while she "got her things in order". Out of the blue one morning she relented, saying we should pick up stakes, move to a new area and live happily ever after.

 

Which we did. We got out children settled, and moved to a neighboring state, bought a fixer upper house and began to settle in. We went for exactly one year to the day without an argument. On that day she gave the above speach again.. three days later she admitted she had "someone else".

 

That "someone else" was her High School boyfriend. Cutting to the chase, they had been seeing each other irregularry for 23 years of our 25 year marriage. We had moved to a city where he spent 2 weeks out of the month on business. She had been seeing him since the week we moved. The reason she didn't "leave" 22 months before was because he refused to leave his wife of 23 years and three children (one only 15). Instead of leaving they decided on a "4 year plan", that she shortened to 2.

 

I didn't see the "hints" because she was a good actress.

[billgreene]

sounds like you're only second to his kids. I'm the guy looking for the affair right now. You said he's trying to save it for the kids. I think he likes you better than the wife. You make him feel good, she doesnt, that's why he comes to you. He feels an obligation to stay with them, and they will be first for a long, long time, but you're not second to his wife, sounds like she's a distant third.

 

As for disclosure - if it's a small town, she may not tell everyone, she probably doesnt want the kids to know the details. But she's probably going to let your husband know, so you might as well be the one to tell him.

 

The ball is in the OM's court, but be sure he knows that #1 you make him happy, she doesnt. and #2, the kids will still be his kids, whether he's living with their mother or not.

[lonleyheart]

I need to ask billgreene, WHY are you looking for an affair? I never went looking for it - we were just friends that talked before our feelings deepened. The OM says he wishes his kids were older and that it would change everything. His children are everything to him; he is a very hands on dad - one of the things I love about him. But they are not and so things are going to be the way they are. I have to accept that and will do all I can to make it easy for him to have the peace of mind he so desperately needs. Guilt is not an easy feeling to live with so if you have not had an affair before I would seriously rethink it.

The OM says his wife will not contact my husband but I'm not so sure and haven't quite decided what I will do there yet. I never want to hurt my husband, we are more friends than anything - it would be hard to move on but I think we both know its just about time.

[lonleyheart]

Thanks for the response and it was helpful. The men that are not afraid to show their emotions (not in an overabundance) are far more attractive than the others, funny this hasn't become more accepted in the male population.

When my husband left me, it was 1 month after we completed and moved into our dream home (we built together). I really think when something big happens - like when you moved states, and our house building trials that some people handle stress different. Your wife and my husband needed to break away from that connection. Your wife didn't go back home, my husband did but to this day I really believe it was because the relationship with the OW wasn't as exciting as he thought it would be. Not because of his dying love for me. I accepted it then because I needed him at home at the time. I had also never seen the 2 of them together so I could really pretend that she didn't exist. Things are changing for me. You are right it would be easier to leave if there was someone else but I have done alot of thinking about that and in the long run it would be easier if ther wasn't anyone. I really need to focus on a separation that will help us remain friends and I need to find out what it is in life that I really want. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.