Babybird Posted January 26, 2008 Share Posted January 26, 2008 A little history on me: I was having an affair with a 44 year old married man. We were together when he had his 20 anniversary. He has one child. This man stayed in the marriage for 10 years completely miserable, lousy sex life, no communication, as repulsed by her touch as she was his, stayed because of his son. He never tried counseling(I honestly don't think either party was willing) and gave up trying after a while. Then he met me. We were never caught and had an affair for 15 months. One day he came home from work and she was leaving him because she met someone. This guy gave her flowers, cards, candy, affection, etc. Made her feel beautiful again. Did things with her that she had always wanted to do. He had also been married 3 times, IMO the guy is a scumbag. The point is that sometimes women need some of the wooing that happens when you first date, and sometimes that needs to be done without the pressure of sex. For some strange reason when the pressure to have sex is there they don't want it at all. It isn't romantic. Not just that but make the dinner, or do the dishes, hell vacuum the living room floor...with out being asked. IF you do all of that....resort back to flowers! Just a couple of hints. Second: If you are contemplating having an affair to avoid divorce and fill the void, swing down to the Other Man/Woman Forum and read about the trouble, pain, and hurt that it can cause for all involved. It's a nasty cycle of lies that never seem to go away and most of the time everyone gets hurt. If you find the courage to leave your wife after meeting someone else are you really leaving for the right reasons? So just when you think you've tried for the last time, you call and make that appointment for the counselor and tell her if your marriage means anything she'll be there. Obviously, humans are stubborn. But don't give up. If you love her, and want it to work, it's like they say: Where there's a will, there's a way! Link to post Share on other sites
MysticStar Posted January 26, 2008 Share Posted January 26, 2008 I like your post, you made a lot of good points. I think you are so right about men wooing their wives. I think after so many years of marriage it's easy for both sides to slump, get in a rut, and then neither one knows how to get out of it. I also agree with the statement that men can't do these things for thier wives and expect sex. It takes time to get back to that point again. On the other hand wives also have to be understanding of their husband's needs as well. Do the wives try to woo their husbands back? Do they try to dress nice for their husbands, put on perfume that he likes etc to make him want to woo her, like she did when they first met? It is a two way street you know. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 26, 2008 Share Posted January 26, 2008 Second: If you are contemplating having an affair to avoid divorce and fill the void, swing down to the Other Man/Woman Forum and read about the trouble, pain, and hurt that it can cause for all involved. It's a nasty cycle of lies that never seem to go away and most of the time everyone gets hurt. If you find the courage to leave your wife after meeting someone else are you really leaving for the right reasons? I see you "talking the talk" but you seem to miss the irony of your own post. It takes 3 to cause the "trouble, pain and hurt" and you're one of the 3 ! Doesn't your own advice apply to you? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
HisLove Posted January 26, 2008 Share Posted January 26, 2008 Yeah I saw that too Mr Lucky. Hypocrite much?? Not to mention that is the story SHE was told, not necessarily the truth. A guy cheating on his wife is not going to say his wife is gorgeous and he is in love with her and she fulfills him in every way. OW wouldn't be interested otherwise. Sad that a 'relationship' is formed because something is lacking or wrong with another. Skewed thinking if you ask me. And what's with the "as repulsed by her touch as she was his"? Did they keep repulsively touching each other to keep testing this out?? Oh dear. Link to post Share on other sites
CynicalP Posted January 26, 2008 Share Posted January 26, 2008 Been a while since I posted here on love shack. Been in Lurker mode. Did you ask your married man when the last time he display affection, gave trinkets and gifts of appreciation to his wife only to get little in return. I am not even referring to just sex, but a some return of affection or gift. Did he remember trying to woo her only to find that her gratitude didn't live up to his expectations? Maybe she gave him a simple thank you and explained she was too tired or didn't have enough time to return him some level of affection. Did his wife ever surprise him with unexpected gifts or shows of affections? These are just rhetorical questions. I know gifts and affections should be giving with no expectations for reciprocation but is that really realistic? Usually some part of the subconsious mind is going to analyse if the there is an equal transaction for the affection giving to the percieved affection recieved. At some point one person may feel they havent receive an apprioriate return on their affection/gift and unfortunately cause them to cease to give affection and gifts in the future. This kicks off the vicious cycle whereby neither person feels they receive any emotional/mental/phyiscal benefit at all from the relationship; and over time the couple finds themselves 'just going through the motions' until one person or both start to become bitter and resentful. This of course leads to the results of infidelity, serperation and divorce. I admit this is a pretty simplistic view of the complex interactions of a relationship, but this is a working theory I have created to explain to me why romantically based relationships generally fail over time. As the 'other woman', Babybird do you think that your married man and the his wife were both at fault or do you lay the blame on one or the other for the failed marriage? Oh, and I agree with your message that infidelity only causes more pain and damage to everyone involved. What other reason besides mutually unfilled needs and unmet desires, do you believe a person is justified for ending the relationship to pursue intimacy elsewhere? Link to post Share on other sites
justpassingthrough Posted January 26, 2008 Share Posted January 26, 2008 It took me a long time, but I finally figured out that the happier I make him, the happier he makes me. Once I learned to give a little, I started to get. Maybe not tit-for-tat every time, but in the bigger scheme of things most surely. Link to post Share on other sites
CynicalP Posted January 26, 2008 Share Posted January 26, 2008 That awesome, Justpassingthrough, I 'm happy that both you and your husband understand the importance of mutually giving and appreciating each other. It seems like a simple concept to apply but somehow many people fail to do just that for one reason or another. Link to post Share on other sites
foreverinlove Posted January 26, 2008 Share Posted January 26, 2008 You are so right, Justpassingthrough. He needs to feel that he is the most important person in your life, and he will put you first in his life. I speak from experience - happily married for 41 years - and still very much in love. Link to post Share on other sites
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