wife is cold and sexless

[Starved]

Am at wits end. My wife is 43 and works 2nd shift. since her promotion to supervisor, she is cold and never wants to get close. Sex is maybe once a month but I found a vibrator in her drawer. I've been watching it and she uses it about twice a week during the day when I'm at work. her moods are crazy, I can't keep up with them. She's unbearable 2 weeks a month. She has lost some weight, thru diet, but usesw alot of artificial sweeteners. She also sleeps alot. I'm 52, and in good shape. I do most of the housework and take care of cooking and homework with my kids every night. I pay the majority of the bills and we are not hurting as far as money goes. We have a nice house, 2 new cars, a pool and two healthy girls 12 and 8. I spend twice a much time with the girls as she does and she is either smothering them or yelling at them when she's home. I have needs too. I like to hug and kis and am very sentimental. She is not and won't even sit with me on the couch. she is not very affectionate and I don't know what to do. It hurts me when I get shut off at night and I find out that the next morning, she's using her toy. She use to be horny all the time until about 8 months ago. I love her and the situation is killing me and I don't know what to do

 

HELP!

[Ronni_W]

Have you talked with her from the perspective of being concerned for her well-being and wanting to help and support her in ways that will be best for her AND for the whole family?

Say that you're proud of her promotion but also concerned that it's added to her responsibilities and stress levels. Mention that you have noticed mood swings and lack of interest in things she previously seemed to enjoy. Suggest a visit to nutritionist or family doctor to ensure she's getting proper diet and exercise to keep up her strength.

 

What does she enjoy doing? - Plan a "date night" or a family outing around what she likes.

 

She is displaying some signs of possible depression -- I wouldn't mention that cos it sounds like you're judging or labeling.

 

I get that you're feeling somewhat frustrated and neglected. But if you start to act clingy and needy (read "self-focused"), the less likelihood of being able to support her through whatever is at the bottom of this, and the less likelihood of getting back to emotional happiness and sexual satisfaction.

[norajane]

Maybe the promotion is taking a real toll on her stress level and mental health. It sounds like she's showing behavioral changes to your children as well as you. So it's not just about sex...there's a bigger issue.

[whichwayisup]

since her promotion to supervisor,

 

I wonder if she's on some kind of power trip of being supervisor?

 

You need to talk to her about how you feel and let her know that her behaviour, the moods and distance is affecting not only you, but the kids as well.

 

Try to get a sitter for the kids, or get the grandparents to keep an eye on them for a weekend so you two can go away together and reconnect. Also, another weekend ALL of you go away together as a family.

 

And, as for the sex/intimacy, talk to her about how it makes you feel when she reaches for her vibe and not you. She is pushing you away in every way, so it seems.

[Starved]

whichwayisup,

Powertrip, maybe. Getting away, thats another thing, she is always working, her schedule is terrible, thursday and sunday off. as far as what she likes to do, I don't know anymore. She seems to have lost interest in much. She doesn't get along very well with her mother and my side is all deceased. trying to make plans is almost impossible because she always says, " I can't do that, I have to work." I admire her devotion but it's getting old. I seems when she needs something, she's right there, but when I need something, it's an effort. Strikes me as being selfish and selfcentered lately. Her mother, says she's been that way her whole life. Oh ya, when I try to talk to her about anything, gently, she turns everything around at me and gets in my face. I'm tired of running my business and running Everything around the house and the kids too. I revolve my business around her schedule. If she needs to go to work then I'm the one that has to drop my work so she can go in. I mean I bring home most of the money and while I am proud of her for her promotion, she runs a shift at a processing center for mail. I always drop my business for my family, no questions asked and that's a stress I chose to deal with. But the wife situation is really bad sometimes. No smiles, no jokes, no personality anymore. I'm walking on eggs all the time!

[JackJack]

I wonder how she acts at work? if she seems different thjere, than she does at home? Maybe you could drop by her work one evening and surprise her to go to dinner? Is that an option? Can she go grab a bite for her dinner breaks? Maybe drop by and see if she seems any different there.