A long journey, sunshine overhead

[MattyTee]

Well hello LS'ers,

 

It has been quite a while since I last posted here and I wanted to come back and say hello. I even saw a few familiar names on the boards

 

I wanted to share a little bit of what is going on for me right now because I remember that it can feel so difficult sometimes to imagine anything might get better. I also know that someone telling you that things get better and that with time all wounds heal doesn't magically make everything better but perhaps it does give you some hope.

 

I will share a little bit of my story with you first. My fiancee of 8 years left me last August. I had been planning to move out to live with her in Canada, my future was laid out before me and it was all taken away at once. I was heartbroken of course, for the first week or so I couldn't eat or sleep. I cried a great deal, I begged her to come back at first and then I resigned myself to being her 'friend' in the hope that one day she would see she loved me again. I dragged myself through hell and let her treat me very poorly indeed. I was so desperate to be with her once again that I sacrificed a great deal of myself.

 

I found Loveshack after a few weeks of feeling so alone, so isolated from the world, from everyone around me. Friends and family were loving of course, they told me I deserved better, they told me that there were other fish in the sea, but as I'm sure a great many of you will feel too, I didn't want to hear that. I didn't care. When I found that other people were suffering as much as me, when I found other people who were crying and couldn't sleep, other people who had even considered ending things, people with broken hearts, I suddenly felt less alone.

 

A great deal of the advice on Loveshack is very, very good indeed and the support of the members is fantastic. I don't think that everything said here will work for everyone but if you are feeling alone, if you are feeling sad and you feel that you can't cope, well there are people here who will support you, people here that understand.

 

My life has turned around and I am very happy now. I have a lot of thanks in my heart to the people here, I mentioned them all in a post a long time ago and I shan't embarrass myself by missing people out of a list now. I very much want to share some of the things that helped me on my way and I shall do ... but it's 4am here now and I should get some sleep. I will post again soon

 

The important thing is remember this:

 

We don't always see why we have ended up on the life journey we are on. We fight it, believing that it is unfair or wrong, that life has been hard on us. It is through fighting what we have, fighting what has happened that we create suffering within. It is not to say that we should not mourn the passing of something that we shall dearly miss but to say that at some point we need to find acceptance, however hard that may be, of what has happened. Remember, you cannot change the past and you do not own the future. You have only your present moment. Fight it and it will hurt, accept it and you find peace and joy.

 

I should thank Spinderella for telling me to read The Power of Now. Miss you Spinders!!

 

A big shout out to everyone I knew / know

 

p.s. Perhaps I should add that this evening I asked a young lady out on a date ... and she said yes. Imagine, me at 30 years old, having had one girlfriend ever and giddy like a school kid

Edited January 26, 2008 by MattyTee

[Robert7x]

Interesting story bud. You give me and many others hope that we can all get thru this. When you have time, I would love to hear what helped you get thru it and how long did all this take for you.

[cant let go]

Lots of love to you Matty!! Great to hear from you again.

 

I too have been coping pretty well lately. In fact I had met someone that I really liked and that was helping me in so many ways. Unfortunately he has his own ex issues (imagine that!) so we are no longer in contact at this point.

 

I'm pretty bummed about it and I feel myself slipping back towards missing my ex again. I guess no matter how independent I think I am, I just really enjoy having someone else to care for and be excited about. I love being in love and I miss it dearly.

 

I will always love my ex but I've managed to somehow accept things for what they are. So I had even, as I just mentioned, found interest in another. I was definitely keeping it very light and didn't expect it to develop into much considering we both were coming out of newly broken relationships. But it still stings a little even when something that fresh and simple ends. Ah well, my chin is up.

 

Thanks for the update!!

[BrianG]

Just wanted to say its good to hear you sounding better. I just turned 30 as well so you give me hope. Still missing my ex big time and having a difficult time in even wanting to start dating, because I have not quite accepted it yet to let go because as you put it i am still fighting it. I know its over but still just grieving the loss and I hope to be where your at whenever I am ready. Hopefully sooner than later.

[k10k]

Heya Matty

 

I'm so glad to hear that the sun is shining for you - yey! I'm still plodding along, but am feeling stronger and stronger by the day - your words are inspiring.

 

"You have only your present moment. Fight it and it will hurt, accept it and you find peace and joy."

 

That is so true - it's all about accepting instead of fighting.

 

I hope your date goes well .. and I'm still reading your blog!

 

Love and light to you,

K

[Jmina]

Matty t!!!!!!!!!!

 

it is so good to hear from you! its good to see a familiar name here again...

 

you sound like your doing v. well and have gained a lot.

 

Im doing v. well also and have decided to stay on ls to help others until i feel like i want to move on from ls completely.

 

Spind has kind of disapeared for quite a while and i miss her also! spind if your out there reading this just let us know your okay pleeease.

 

will love to hear more when your not so tired!

 

=)

 

Love Jmina

[your star]

Matty! I'm soo glad you gave an update on yourself. When people tell you that time really does help, it is soo true. I also think there's a point where you just wake up and say, enough now. we know we gave it one last fight and laid our cards on the table. this is our life and if she/he doesn't want to be with me, then their loss, and we let go.

 

The last few weeks I have felt at peace and It's such a great feeling, isnt it? I'm soo happy that you are doing better.

[bustertypsy]

Matty,it's fantastic to see you moving on and healing so well.I'm sure if somebody told you back in August that you would be going on a date in January,you would never have believed them.True testament that time does heal,but time and acceptance will speed up the healing.

 

I am happily moving on nicely too.It's 3 1/2 months since I spilt up and I've been doing total NC.The acceptance has arrived at last,and moving on is now something I am doing with a positive frame of mind.

I wish you well for the future.

[MattyTee]

Interesting story bud. You give me and many others hope that we can all get thru this. When you have time, I would love to hear what helped you get thru it and how long did all this take for you.

 

Hi Robert,

 

A few months ago I was here on Loveshack and reading what other people were going through, understanding that we were sharing that pain and also seeing that things do change in time and seeing people feel more and more positive, well those things all helped me tremendously. I always promised I would come back when I felt stronger because I wanted to let people know, in the same way, that things can be okay again, no matter how low you feel.

 

I have been right down to the bottom, I felt suicidal for a while and I was on low-dose anti-depressants because I could not sleep. Of course there are some people that will tell you that no one is worth that, that you should never feel that low over a relationship. Whilst that is partly true (in that it most likely isn't the relationship that is actually causing that feeling), when you feel that low it can actually make things more difficult because you then start to feel isolated and perhaps even guilty for the way you feel.

 

My ex-Fiancee left me in August (11th to be precise). Things had started to feel better for me about two weeks into December but the real strength arrived just after the New Year. That strength came when I was able to accept everything that had happened. I wouldn't use the term 'moving on' that so many people use, although I think I am talking about the same thing, I would say that reaching acceptance is the important thing.

 

Many things helped me through this process but perhaps the best thing for me was writing. I started a handwritten journal and an online blog around the same time. I would write total rubbish most of the time, just spewing out what I had inside of me. Occasionally I would find something quite revealing might come out, perhaps giving me some insight as to where all the pain was arising from. In the early stages of the grief I found some things extremely important, and perhaps the most difficult to accomplish: eating well; sleeping well; exercising. If you find eating and sleeping difficult then get doing some exercise, even if it's just a long walk every day. I would also say that finding things to keep me busy were important: reading, writing (as I said), talking with friends (although this took longer before I could talk about anything other than my ex), bowling ... whatever you can find to do. Personally for me, socialising and dating weren't things that felt good to do. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to learn to be happy with myself and then eventually if (and when in my case I guess) someone comes along who you click with, you are offering a whole person, not looking for someone else to fulfill something you are missing.

 

For me, I started therapy soon after the break-up. It had taken me a little while to realise that the huge pain I was suffering wasn't just because of the relationship failing but due to some deeply buried stuff in my history. I strongly believe that whilst mourning and grieving are very important, in many cases people's grief has been carried forwards through their life. I read a lot of stories where it was clear (including my own) that the person involved had lost themselves in the relationship, they had invested everything, all of their happiness in someone else. This is probably due to a deep-seated belief that we just aren't good enough as people. It's also probably due to people being terrified of being alone. If you can, face that and spend some time alone. If you can, I believe you will offer a lot more to any relationship that may happen in the future.

 

So, to summarise after a rather long post, I think these things help:

 

1) Feel everything - don't ever try and bottle up your emotions. Cry, shout, be angry. Try and just let those things come and go, without judging them or letting them control you. 'Observe' yourself.

 

2) Understand that the grief is natural and you're not alone. Time will heal, if you let it. You can be active with that, or you can be passive. If you actively work to discover more about yourself and more about your grief, you will (I believe) come out the other end much, much stronger.

 

3) Look after yourself. That means exercise, eating well, sleeping and when you feel ready socialise with others. They say that to love another you must love yourself. I would add that you need to be aware of attaching to your ego - that ends up with arrogance and ultimately pain. I would say accept yourself, then you can accept others. Don't worry about love, that will sort itself out.

 

4) Always believe in true love, in miracles, in wonderful things. No matter how old we are, how jaded with life or how hurt we have been, we should always strive to let our hearts be open and live this life to the full - whatever path you might follow. Even on those days when you don't believe anything and you feel the world is out to get you, remember that faith may not have left you behind

 

I appreciate this all sounds very airy-fairy and it's not going to be everyone's cup of tea ... but then there are plenty of people giving practical and 'realistic' advice here ... so I am just sharing what worked for me

 

I wish you the best with it Robert

[MattyTee]

Lots of love to you Matty!! Great to hear from you again.

 

I too have been coping pretty well lately. In fact I had met someone that I really liked and that was helping me in so many ways. Unfortunately he has his own ex issues (imagine that!) so we are no longer in contact at this point.

 

I'm pretty bummed about it and I feel myself slipping back towards missing my ex again. I guess no matter how independent I think I am, I just really enjoy having someone else to care for and be excited about. I love being in love and I miss it dearly.

 

I will always love my ex but I've managed to somehow accept things for what they are. So I had even, as I just mentioned, found interest in another. I was definitely keeping it very light and didn't expect it to develop into much considering we both were coming out of newly broken relationships. But it still stings a little even when something that fresh and simple ends. Ah well, my chin is up.

 

Thanks for the update!!

 

Hey! Thank you and sending that love right back at ya!

 

We all know that this whole process can be difficult to understand. There are good times and bad, no matter how far we have walked It is good to be able to accept the joyful moments and be able to smile. For a while I denied that I had happy moments, I was so caught up in being the 'heartbroken guy'. Just let what happens, happen You'll come through, I know it

[MattyTee]

Just wanted to say its good to hear you sounding better. I just turned 30 as well so you give me hope. Still missing my ex big time and having a difficult time in even wanting to start dating, because I have not quite accepted it yet to let go because as you put it i am still fighting it. I know its over but still just grieving the loss and I hope to be where your at whenever I am ready. Hopefully sooner than later.

 

Hey Brian,

 

Nothing wrong with being 30 ... despite the grey hairs

 

Don't push the dating thing, I just wouldn't worry about it until it happens. This all takes the time it takes. If you rush things because you feel you are supposed to then you may end up causing yourself more pain. Letting go, or acceptance, is a tricky one. It caught me by surprise - and I had been searching for it for a long time. Just keep looking after yourself, this is your time now. You'll be okay.

[MattyTee]

Heya Matty

 

I'm so glad to hear that the sun is shining for you - yey! I'm still plodding along, but am feeling stronger and stronger by the day - your words are inspiring.

 

"You have only your present moment. Fight it and it will hurt, accept it and you find peace and joy."

 

That is so true - it's all about accepting instead of fighting.

 

I hope your date goes well .. and I'm still reading your blog!

 

Love and light to you,

K

 

Ahh K10!!

 

I'm so glad to hear you are feeling stronger, it is a long plod indeed! I know that I'll have days when I don't feel so strong again, but I know I am okay with that now. Things are very much better - and the best thing is that I feel okay being alone.

 

The date thing is a big surprise to me, I'm not even really sure where it came from. I'm looking forward to it though, even though it's with a friend so it already feels a bit odd. To be honest I have absolutely no idea about the 'rules' for these things, I've never dated anyone! Add to that the fact we know each other quite well ... gee! I'm baffled. Not only that, but women are very confusing ...

 

I have to say that my self-esteem has taken a bit of a knock because know I have someone to care what they think about me Still, that's something else to move through I guess.

 

Lots love

 

M

[MattyTee]

Matty t!!!!!!!!!!

 

it is so good to hear from you! its good to see a familiar name here again...

 

you sound like your doing v. well and have gained a lot.

 

Im doing v. well also and have decided to stay on ls to help others until i feel like i want to move on from ls completely.

 

Spind has kind of disapeared for quite a while and i miss her also! spind if your out there reading this just let us know your okay pleeease.

 

will love to hear more when your not so tired!

 

=)

 

Love Jmina

 

Oh J!

 

You have no idea how your words helped me. Thank you so much. In fact thank you all of you.

 

Spindy helped me a lot too and I wanted to keep in contact but I haven't heard from her in a while either I do hope she is okay.

 

Things have gone very well for me Jmina, I have changed a great deal but also stayed the same (if that makes sense). As I mentioned to k10 I am now having to deal with a low self-esteem - feeling unattractive, dumb, etc (and all this despite her saying yes ) - but I guess that's just another little journey. It's almost exciting

 

Lots of love to you too

[MattyTee]

Matty! I'm soo glad you gave an update on yourself. When people tell you that time really does help, it is soo true. I also think there's a point where you just wake up and say, enough now. we know we gave it one last fight and laid our cards on the table. this is our life and if she/he doesn't want to be with me, then their loss, and we let go.

 

The last few weeks I have felt at peace and It's such a great feeling, isnt it? I'm soo happy that you are doing better.

 

Star!!!

 

I'm not sure whether she got eaten in the end

 

Time does indeed help but I believe you can use that time to work on your self, which in the long run will help Acceptance is a tricky thing, believe me. The peace is beautiful ... I agree I'm glad that you are feeling that way Star, really glad

[MattyTee]

Matty,it's fantastic to see you moving on and healing so well.I'm sure if somebody told you back in August that you would be going on a date in January,you would never have believed them.True testament that time does heal,but time and acceptance will speed up the healing.

 

I am happily moving on nicely too.It's 3 1/2 months since I spilt up and I've been doing total NC.The acceptance has arrived at last,and moving on is now something I am doing with a positive frame of mind.

I wish you well for the future.

 

Buster, my bro!

 

Tell me about it. Date ... me ... ??

 

I'm glad to hear things have been working better for you. I really believe that NC helps in this respect - it can be an important part of healing. Rather than it being about forgetting someone, or moving on, for me it was about giving myself some space from the situation, allowing me to move a little way emotionally so that I wasn't causing myself such pain all the time. Perhaps one day we'll be back in contact, my ex and I, but who knows. I wrote some pretty honest things on my blog and I'm not sure she was that impressed

 

All the best man, I'm wishing you well!

[Robert7x]

Hi Robert,

 

A few months ago I was here on Loveshack and reading what other people were going through, understanding that we were sharing that pain and also seeing that things do change in time and seeing people feel more and more positive, well those things all helped me tremendously. I always promised I would come back when I felt stronger because I wanted to let people know, in the same way, that things can be okay again, no matter how low you feel.

 

I have been right down to the bottom, I felt suicidal for a while and I was on low-dose anti-depressants because I could not sleep. Of course there are some people that will tell you that no one is worth that, that you should never feel that low over a relationship. Whilst that is partly true (in that it most likely isn't the relationship that is actually causing that feeling), when you feel that low it can actually make things more difficult because you then start to feel isolated and perhaps even guilty for the way you feel.

 

My ex-Fiancee left me in August (11th to be precise). Things had started to feel better for me about two weeks into December but the real strength arrived just after the New Year. That strength came when I was able to accept everything that had happened. I wouldn't use the term 'moving on' that so many people use, although I think I am talking about the same thing, I would say that reaching acceptance is the important thing.

 

Many things helped me through this process but perhaps the best thing for me was writing. I started a handwritten journal and an online blog around the same time. I would write total rubbish most of the time, just spewing out what I had inside of me. Occasionally I would find something quite revealing might come out, perhaps giving me some insight as to where all the pain was arising from. In the early stages of the grief I found some things extremely important, and perhaps the most difficult to accomplish: eating well; sleeping well; exercising. If you find eating and sleeping difficult then get doing some exercise, even if it's just a long walk every day. I would also say that finding things to keep me busy were important: reading, writing (as I said), talking with friends (although this took longer before I could talk about anything other than my ex), bowling ... whatever you can find to do. Personally for me, socialising and dating weren't things that felt good to do. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to learn to be happy with myself and then eventually if (and when in my case I guess) someone comes along who you click with, you are offering a whole person, not looking for someone else to fulfill something you are missing.

 

For me, I started therapy soon after the break-up. It had taken me a little while to realise that the huge pain I was suffering wasn't just because of the relationship failing but due to some deeply buried stuff in my history. I strongly believe that whilst mourning and grieving are very important, in many cases people's grief has been carried forwards through their life. I read a lot of stories where it was clear (including my own) that the person involved had lost themselves in the relationship, they had invested everything, all of their happiness in someone else. This is probably due to a deep-seated belief that we just aren't good enough as people. It's also probably due to people being terrified of being alone. If you can, face that and spend some time alone. If you can, I believe you will offer a lot more to any relationship that may happen in the future.

 

So, to summarise after a rather long post, I think these things help:

 

1) Feel everything - don't ever try and bottle up your emotions. Cry, shout, be angry. Try and just let those things come and go, without judging them or letting them control you. 'Observe' yourself.

 

2) Understand that the grief is natural and you're not alone. Time will heal, if you let it. You can be active with that, or you can be passive. If you actively work to discover more about yourself and more about your grief, you will (I believe) come out the other end much, much stronger.

 

3) Look after yourself. That means exercise, eating well, sleeping and when you feel ready socialise with others. They say that to love another you must love yourself. I would add that you need to be aware of attaching to your ego - that ends up with arrogance and ultimately pain. I would say accept yourself, then you can accept others. Don't worry about love, that will sort itself out.

 

4) Always believe in true love, in miracles, in wonderful things. No matter how old we are, how jaded with life or how hurt we have been, we should always strive to let our hearts be open and live this life to the full - whatever path you might follow. Even on those days when you don't believe anything and you feel the world is out to get you, remember that faith may not have left you behind

 

I appreciate this all sounds very airy-fairy and it's not going to be everyone's cup of tea ... but then there are plenty of people giving practical and 'realistic' advice here ... so I am just sharing what worked for me

 

I wish you the best with it Robert

 

Thanks a lot for sharing your story and the getting-over-it part. I'm glad that you showed me that it does get better and we do move on. I'm also trying to learn how to live alone and to accept myself the way i am. It's hard right now because i'm so used to being in a relationship and being in love that this all is new to me.

 

I'm just afraid of ending up alone and even though i'm 25, i feel like time is ticking away and i'm too late. I know those are stupid thoughts, but i'm sure others have thought of them at one time or another. It's only been a month for me and around 25 days or NC.

 

I don't have a lot of friends and i feel like that's another problem because i focused all my energy on relationship and her that i didn't really feel like getting some new friends. Now, i don't even know how to get friends. I think my self-esteem is shot, as i feel really shy or something like that when i need to talk to someone. I just can't talk to anyone... i mean i don't know where to start... The other night i was just on this car meet and i couldn't talk to anyone or introduce myself... Really, really Weird.

 

I need to learn all this and hopefully it will all get better. Like i said, the only thing that concerns me is time. 2 of my friends that are my age are already married and are living their lives like i thought i was going to. I'm surrounded by all this marriage and relationship stability that when mine failed it was devastating to me.

 

Thanks again Matty.

 

Robert

[MattyTee]

Thanks a lot for sharing your story and the getting-over-it part. I'm glad that you showed me that it does get better and we do move on. I'm also trying to learn how to live alone and to accept myself the way i am. It's hard right now because i'm so used to being in a relationship and being in love that this all is new to me.

 

I'm just afraid of ending up alone and even though i'm 25, i feel like time is ticking away and i'm too late. I know those are stupid thoughts, but i'm sure others have thought of them at one time or another. It's only been a month for me and around 25 days or NC.

 

I don't have a lot of friends and i feel like that's another problem because i focused all my energy on relationship and her that i didn't really feel like getting some new friends. Now, i don't even know how to get friends. I think my self-esteem is shot, as i feel really shy or something like that when i need to talk to someone. I just can't talk to anyone... i mean i don't know where to start... The other night i was just on this car meet and i couldn't talk to anyone or introduce myself... Really, really Weird.

 

I need to learn all this and hopefully it will all get better. Like i said, the only thing that concerns me is time. 2 of my friends that are my age are already married and are living their lives like i thought i was going to. I'm surrounded by all this marriage and relationship stability that when mine failed it was devastating to me.

 

Thanks again Matty.

 

Robert

 

Hey again Robert,

 

I too felt that time was ticking away but we have to accept that there are no rules to our lives. It is hard but try not to focus your attention around on what other people are doing. Perhaps they are happy, perhaps not, they have their own journeys and I would bet more often than not their own trials will come. In my opinion it is more important to live your life in acceptance with who you are, with a sense of independence and inner calm than it is to follow the roadmap of life we're all taught: marry, kids, mortgage etc. If you look at people who have 'made it' in life - are they all happy? I would guess that you know more than one unhappy couple or even someone who has a great job, great car, loads of money ... and yet still seems unhappy. That shows us something not only about the nature of happiness but also the nature of searching for happiness...

 

Don't worry about being shy. Worrying about it will just make it worse. Something I tried was to tell myself at certain points that I was going to be courageous. That no matter what happened I would do one thing that scared me. In my case, I was terrified of asking this girl out on a date. So I did it. Not just for that reason, I like her a lot, but I had to dig deep for that sense of just doing it. And also, don't worry about messing it up ... I did, quite hilariously .... and she still said yes.

 

I wish you the best man

[EllaDerSpin]

Yes, I am fine thankyou

I have been trying to sign in with my old account which is not working for some reason. Glad to hear everyone else is also doing well.

[MattyTee]

Yes, I am fine thankyou

I have been trying to sign in with my old account which is not working for some reason. Glad to hear everyone else is also doing well.

 

Spindy!!!

 

I'm glad to hear you are okay, message me sometime it would be good to catch up

[EllaDerSpin]

Yes I am fine, on a new journey, hopefully long, but I'm pretty sure theres sunshine overhead...

Edited February 18, 2008 by EllaDerSpin

[MattyTee]

Yes I am fine, on a new journey, hopefully long, but I'm pretty sure theres sunshine overhead...

 

That sounds interesting ... tell me more!

[EllaDerSpin]

Oh I hate to talk my enthusiasm for something out before I have done it. Maybe I will write a book.

How was your date?

[MattyTee]

The date was wonderful actually. Things are complicated. But who knows. Each day at a time.

[EllaDerSpin]

Complicated already?? Is she married?

[Jmina]

SPINDERS!!!!!!!!

oh how i have missed you! I really really have.