5 yr itch or did I marry a stranger

[billgreene]

OK someone suggested I start my own thread so here goes.

 

I married a girl I met online. We talked on the phone long distance for a month and a half, visited each other for a week each time and met family, and then the next thing we know we're moving to another town where I was going to grad school and she was looking for a job and we got engaged. That was 3 months after meeting online. 3 months later we were married. Life was bliss, my wife was the sweetest person I ever knew. Her family said she "has a lot of spunk". Fact is, after the honeymoon stage wore off (within a few months.) I began to find out she was just a plain ole bitch. She just loves to fight and contridict me on everything. I think I got married to her too fast. Then there's our sex life ... she goes for the token BJ or HJ once a week or so, (reluctantly, and while she watches the clock tick and asks if it is going to come soon (so she can go on with what she was doing) but doesnt go for intercourse maybe once a month. The sex starvation is almost as bad as the emotional starvation. She's just a bitch. We've been to MC, didnt help much, obviously. Best time we had was on a cruise when the couple next door got it on really loud and we got to compete. My w is such a prude though she won't even consider looking at porn with me, let alone considering situations like same room with other couples. (Not swapping, just watching and doing at the same time.) Thats what I had in mind but she won't even look at porn. I don't think I'd have to have any of that if she'd just genuinely enjoy sex with me at least once a week. Not the reluctant once every 1-3 month negotiated deal. It took me 5 years of marriage to get her to try anal, after her vag was torn in childbirth, and after she tried once she's never going to do it again. Listen I know its not fair of me to complain about that, but seriously I can't live without good sex for the rest of my life. We hardly get along well enough to decide what to eat for dinner each night without a fight. You know that magic you all talk about? That best friend you live with? I don't know anyone like that. I think I was just a horny virgin when I got married, and all that waiting brainwashed me into marrying her after only knowing her for 6 months.

 

Problem is.. we have a 3 year old that I dont know if i can live without. When I come home that's the only love I feel in the house.

 

What do I do? I don't want to loose my daughter, but I'm sure not satisfied sexually.... I'm willing to put up with the bitching to be around my daughter, but not the bitching and the lack of sex.

 

Right now I'm considering having some NSA affairs on the side. If one of those turns long term and the woman is good in other ways too, maybe that will be the tiebreaker and I'll get a divorce.

 

My biggest thinking is... why divorce if I don't have another woman to go to anyway? Loose my daughter all for.... some peace and quiet, really thats the only diff since I can do my own HJ and her bj's are pretty crappy anyway I get off better with porn, which she tries to deny me.

 

Am I thinking straight on this? Get NSA until I find something to break the tie and leave her for?

 

If not what else? Hard to reconcile with her since MC didn't work???? any help out there?

[SeraBella]

A lot of the sex you are into is rather kinky. Are you sure that's not what is turning her off?

 

I love sex, but I would never have it with other couples in the same room. I would never even consider it. And anal sex is out as well.

 

Not wanting to participate in those acts doesn't make me a prude in the slightest.

 

Maybe you're expecting too much kink from her and you've put her off entirely.

 

It sounds like you're expecting her to be a pornstar...and porn just isn't reality.

 

Why not try wooing her with a romantic evening. Maybe she prefers making love over f*cking.

[billgreene]

ok i agree I need to lay off the porn, it's probably making me expect more sexually from my wife. the problem is... the worse our sex, and our relationship in general gets... the more kinky I get. The more I want to look for NSA or try new things like I mentioned. I've never done any of them, just fantasized. Actually, she's the only person I've ever had intercourse with. don't all women like romantic dates more than f**king? Problem is... when i do bring flowers home, its like.... "Finally" like it's 3 weeks late or something. My most romantic dates I can muster after working 50 hours a week are either dinner or a movie/activity, etc. I don't get off of work until 6 on weekends, when she always wants to go, and we never go on my day off.

 

Biggest problem is.... how do i get her to quit fighting me. She always has to disagree with me, or try to point out the flaws in my logic when I talk to her, even about random stuff like what a character of a TV show did.

 

I know the sex is bad, but if my relationship were better I'd be up for sticking it out in the bedroom.. Afterall she IS putting out on the HJ and BJ occasionally, and it's not like its been a year since we had intercourse. We also are trying to get insurance so she can get her vag fixed so she'll enjoy intercourse more.

 

So how do you get a woman to stop fault-finding and pin-pricking? (sex really ISNT the only problem, rather, more likely a result of the real problem. - our relationship sucks.)

 

If this is something that's engrained in her.... do I leave? Look for an affair? Long term, short term, or nsa? Add another 10 hours to my workweek so I don't have to come home to her??

[HisLove]

(((billgreene))) that sounds like a sucky situation to be in.

 

Why didn't the doctors fix the tear up when it happened?? Why is it 3 years later and the problem hasn't been rectified?

 

I think you need to sit her down and tell her seriously that unless she puts in some effort to cooperate with you to find a way through this problem, that you are seriously considering stepping out on her. Maybe that will be the shock she needs to wake her up out of her complacency. If she doesn't care when you tell her that.....then you also have an answer of a different kind.

 

Is she also working?

[SeraBella]

An affair is not going to help you. It will make the situation worse if she finds out.

 

Adding hours to your work schedule just seems that it would add more issues...and when would you see your child?

 

Why is it that counseling didn't work?

 

Without knowing the whole situation it's difficult for us to know what's really going on. She could be posting another thread..."He doesn't do anything for me. He just works, works, works, and then comes home and never offers any emotional support."

 

Do you communicate with each other at all?

 

Are you distant? Do you try to offer her emotional support? She could be nit-picking, and fault finding because it's the only way she can elicit a reaction from you.

 

If the truth is your wife is just a bitch and the marriage isn't healthy, you're not doing your child a favor by remaining in it. And committing adultery can scar your child for life...especially if your wife is the bitch she claims, she could tell your daughter and try to turn her against you.

 

You'll still have rights to see your daughter if you divorce. If you hurt your wife so deeply that you commit adultery, I'm sure she would try MUCH harder to keep your daughter from you than she would if you just were honest about things.

[billgreene]

Why didn't the doctors fix the tear up when it happened?? Why is it 3 years later and the problem hasn't been rectified?

 

- her spinal (a botched epidural that had to be pumped every half hour or so.) wore off right before delivery, so she delivered naturally, then, to top it off, the local anesthetics and dissociative anesthesias they injected in her after delivery didnt work, so she could feel every thread going through her. Needless to say she couldnt sit still for it, but they kept right on going. (Maybe to stop bleeding?) At her 6 wk OB visit, the doctor said "what happened?! who sewed you up?" She had a 3rd degree tear, almost all the way to the rectum, and now is VERY loose, and has a skin tag that irritates her during intercourse. Since then our health insurance lapsed, and with a health condition she has we can't get private insurance anymore. I'm self employed.

 

 

Is she also working?

 

Just got a job to work one day a week, for 5 hours. Wasnt willing to go full time = 3 days x 10 hours - so we could get benefits.

[billgreene]

Maybe I was kidding about adding hours. I know that won't work. Actually, thats why we went on the cruise mentioned in my original post. We communicate, but it's hard for us to find time to really connect. When I open up to her about my feelings sometimes I get stomped on, because she doesnt like the fact that i'm unsatisfied sexually - makes me feel like a pervert..

 

Why did counseling not work? - Good question. incompatible? maybe we needed more? I think there was more of a focus on me, and my excessive work, learning how to de-escalate arguments so I don't blow a fuse, and helping us understand why we were feeling different feelings. There wasnt much in there about why the arguments were starting, just how to "fight fairly" and "de-escalate".

 

reason why we started counseling - about a year ago we got into an argument in a car that escalated and escalated and she wouldn't let it go after me telling her to stop and to shut up several times. after screaming several profane low blows, i slapped her.... shut her up, but we started making plans for divorce, then she decided to stay if I would go to MC

 

Before she told me she would stay.... I reached a point where I got suicidal, not so much from loosing her, but my daughter, and my marriage in general... I had a low night where I came pretty close to going through with it... when I realized that.... anything would be better, including divorce, stepping out, etc. The MC says that night I "emotionally divorced" myself from her. Ever since... I've had a hard time re-connecting. She says she's felt better about our marriage, but the daily arguments dont stop. They're not blow-outs every day thanks to MC - we know how to stop them, but they're there.

[ElvenPriestess]

She could have had benefits at 30 hours a week? Why didn't she take it? That could have been the ticket she needed to have the tear taken care of. What was her reasoning?

 

And no, an affair wont solve anything for you OR her. It would amplify every problem.

 

Sounds to me like there's way too much tension in any aspect of the relationship, and this often makes sex less desirable, for a woman and can be for a man. She may just be so stressed her sex drive is down.

 

Bad sex isn't making the relationship worse, I'd say it's the other way around. All these deep issues need to be dealt with and soon. Especially with you thinking about having an affair. MC is a must. Did you say you had already gone that route?

[justpassingthrough]

her spinal (a botched epidural that had to be pumped every half hour or so.) wore off right before delivery, so she delivered naturally, then, to top it off, the local anesthetics and dissociative anesthesias they injected in her after delivery didnt work, so she could feel every thread going through her. Needless to say she couldnt sit still for it, but they kept right on going. (Maybe to stop bleeding?) At her 6 wk OB visit, the doctor said "what happened?! who sewed you up?" She had a 3rd degree tear, almost all the way to the rectum, and now is VERY loose, and has a skin tag that irritates her during intercourse. Since then our health insurance lapsed, and with a health condition she has we can't get private insurance anymore.

 

Month nine of my first pregnancy, the downstairs neighbor was over three times in one day: "Do you have any tea?" "Do you have any lemon?" "Do you have any honey?"

 

End result? I caught her most-and-worst-coughing-I've-done-EVER chest cold.

 

Shortly after, I went into a long (three days) labor, eventually delivering a 9 lb. 12 oz. bouncing baby boy.

 

About those three days...

 

I, too, had an epidural, one that had to be repeadedly reloaded to do its job. I was, ahem, cut from front to back in anticipation of the new arrival. I also tore a little bit because the little guy was so big he couldn't wear "Newborn." And, like your wife, felt the stitching. Only the last poke I felt was the local after I said something.

 

I coughed the entire way through it. And that continued when I went home. I coughed so much for so long that stitches popped in two different places. I felt it happen. My husband looked and confirmed it. We went back to the hospital. The doctor giggled, saying a doctor "could do a really bad episiotomy (sp?)" and it would still heal well. He told me it would be just fine and sent me on my way.

 

And you know what? It was and it still is.

 

My point is s-o-m-e-b-o-d-y needs to get back to a doctor. I understand what it's like to be uninsured. But you can certainly put the money together to get a significant problem solved. Perhaps your wife would be willing to pick up another day at work and sock the money away for a consultation. Heck, maybe the doctor who did a job so poorly your wife's body defied nature would be willing to correct his error - for free.

 

Honey, it's an investment in your marriage.

[Frances]

Why didn't the doctors fix the tear up when it happened?? Why is it 3 years later and the problem hasn't been rectified?

 

- her spinal (a botched epidural that had to be pumped every half hour or so.) wore off right before delivery, so she delivered naturally, then, to top it off, the local anesthetics and dissociative anesthesias they injected in her after delivery didnt work, so she could feel every thread going through her. Needless to say she couldnt sit still for it, but they kept right on going. (Maybe to stop bleeding?) At her 6 wk OB visit, the doctor said "what happened?! who sewed you up?" She had a 3rd degree tear, almost all the way to the rectum, and now is VERY loose, and has a skin tag that irritates her during intercourse. Since then our health insurance lapsed, and with a health condition she has we can't get private insurance anymore. I'm self employed.

 

 

Are the hospital not responsible for what happened at the delivery? With a health care system like that I take it you live in the states . Michael Moore was not going overboard then with his film about the health insurance companies!

 

Before your daughter was born what was it like between the two of you? Her health problems would certainly take its toll on her. You also did not know each other very well. Of course once people have an attraction for each other any two REASONABLE ADULTS could make a go of things. Marriage can be a bit of a lottery, of course you could have given yourselves better odds had you waited. Now what do you do to make the best of the situation. The porn is not a good idea and having anyone in the same room while having sex is certainly a no no for most people and anal sex, tried it once years ago but never again thank you.

 

You need to find some common ground to try and work with each other to make life a bit more pleasant for both of you and your daughter. It is not healthy for your daughter and yourselves to live with all that tension. You will not fix things in a day. You will have to pull back and look at things from a different prospective. One day at a time being pleasant to each other, biting your tongue some times. Remember both of you are hurting, both of you are suffering from her gyny problems which was not of either of your making.

 

I wish you both well in trying to work together on this for all three of your sakes.

[billgreene]

we are and have been working on things, i just dont know if it's all really going to help much. we went on a cruse 5 weeks ago, that was nice. we are going on a date tonight, i'm considering a job change, if the job comes available (rumor is it might be available within a week)... if so i'll have a better schedule that'll help us -- some 9-5 40 hours kind of time. we're still considering her working more.. depends on whether we can find good childcare, and how we both feel about that AND... whether I get this new job.. If I do I could be the child care for a good bit of the time while she works. So if that worked out we'd have health insurance. I've been trying to get HI for my business, but don't have enough full-time employees... and for a few months, they don't want to go full time (one graduates in may.) Anyway... who knows what'll happen... but if I don't get the job... we can't find good childcare, and no HI.... i'm right where I started.. or... am... anyway, we did check into the cost of the surgery... the surgery isnt the problem, its the hospital fee... the surgery is only $500. But the hospital wants $11,000 for the OR fees.

 

Sucks huh.......... i'm not looking forward to tonight... we end up fighting on dates sometimes.... just don't have many common interests that we can pursue with my schedule and a child.

[Green]

seriously you guys jsut need to get this tear fixed... screw the costs... and I feel your pain man

[HisLove]

I most certainly would be getting noisy and boisterous with the doctor/hospital who botched it in the first place. They soon oil a squeaky wheel....anything to shut up that squeak. Threaten to go the media if you have to. You have plenty of ammunition, your wife is suffering, your marriage is going down the toilet.

 

Speak up!!