She confessed...

[BetrayedMM]

Reverse psychology does have its way of getting thru. I hear you. Good point.

[BetrayedMM]

BTW, stumbled onto this. Very informative.

 

http://www.bipolar-lives.com/bipolar-infidelity.html

[jmargel]

Every counselor and physchologist is different. When my wife was cheating, she tried so hard to convince me that I was the problem, that I was paranoid, that I was crazy. She often would lay blanket statements on me and also change the discussion when it came up. The first counselor was good, though I could tell she was not experienced enough with the problems my wife was facing. She didn't address the cheating either.

 

It wasn't until I went to see a pschologist myself. Within' a two hour period I was able to truly see what was going on. No I wasn't paranoid or crazy, and none of this was my fault. Her lack of maturity and respect was brought on by her messed up past, however it was clear enough now that the marriage was in a parent-child relationship. Me, the parent, her the child. Marriages don't work when they are in that level. She needs to take a step up to become an adult, so that I can take a step down to reach that same level.

 

Perhaps this is what you are going through with your marriage. You are not a failure, the marriage failed because of the lack of respect, maturity and communication she has done. Were you perfect? Nope, but I don't think any of us are, and nothing you did caused her to do this. She would have done this if she would have never met you and married someone else.

 

Right now I would obstain from making any decisions that are based on emotion. My experience with that is you always have some sort of regret. You also have to look to see what your wife has done since. Has she taken responsibility and wanting to take action to correct her behavior? Has she shown remorse and realizes the value of you and the marriage? If not, then she has not hit rock bottom yet and it's upto you on how long you want to hold out. Sounds like you are in a revenge mode, which is normal to feel that way. However nothing you do to her will make up for what she's done to you, nor will it 'teach her a lesson'. The problems she is having are mental. Was she diagnosed with bi-polar?

 

Cheating really sucks, it taints alot of the past and future. There are ways of coping with this. Also remember there is no just 'one talk' with your wife about all of this. If you can put yourself above the anger, the hurt and try to communicate with her on this, you will get alot more information from her. Just don't let this affect your own self-worth.

[cj1988]

Every counselor and physchologist is different. When my wife was cheating, she tried so hard to convince me that I was the problem, that I was paranoid, that I was crazy. She often would lay blanket statements on me and also change the discussion when it came up. The first counselor was good, though I could tell she was not experienced enough with the problems my wife was facing. She didn't address the cheating either.

 

It wasn't until I went to see a pschologist myself. Within' a two hour period I was able to truly see what was going on. No I wasn't paranoid or crazy, and none of this was my fault. Her lack of maturity and respect was brought on by her messed up past, however it was clear enough now that the marriage was in a parent-child relationship. Me, the parent, her the child. Marriages don't work when they are in that level. She needs to take a step up to become an adult, so that I can take a step down to reach that same level.

 

Perhaps this is what you are going through with your marriage. You are not a failure, the marriage failed because of the lack of respect, maturity and communication she has done. Were you perfect? Nope, but I don't think any of us are, and nothing you did caused her to do this. She would have done this if she would have never met you and married someone else.

 

Right now I would obstain from making any decisions that are based on emotion. My experience with that is you always have some sort of regret. You also have to look to see what your wife has done since. Has she taken responsibility and wanting to take action to correct her behavior? Has she shown remorse and realizes the value of you and the marriage? If not, then she has not hit rock bottom yet and it's upto you on how long you want to hold out. Sounds like you are in a revenge mode, which is normal to feel that way. However nothing you do to her will make up for what she's done to you, nor will it 'teach her a lesson'. The problems she is having are mental. Was she diagnosed with bi-polar?

 

Cheating really sucks, it taints alot of the past and future. There are ways of coping with this. Also remember there is no just 'one talk' with your wife about all of this. If you can put yourself above the anger, the hurt and try to communicate with her on this, you will get alot more information from her. Just don't let this affect your own self-worth.

 

I love reading your responses, so open and honest and to the point. My H was acting the same way when I confronted him about the A or what I thought was going on....I was crazy and insecure and needed help.....how people can act that way after what they have already done to you is beyond me.....

 

Betrayed as far as being a failure, not even close baby ! We are the survivors of the stories you read here. We will be the happy people that can walk with our heads up and sleep at night.....THE cheaters are the failures and will live as such the rest of their weak lives !

[Trimmer]

jmargel and cj: Thoughtful points, with which I agree in general practice, but this comment from BMM put a different spin on the situation, and I think it needs to be remembered that this is a big element in BMM's decision-making process:

OB, she has a criminal record. Domestic violence is part of that. She beat my younger daughter unconscious 2 years ago, gave her a concussion. She will never even remember the beating. And that certainly wasn't the only case, just an outstanding example of what I meant....

When I think of his situation in terms of repairing a marriage, healing from the mistake/choice of infidelity, etc. I also now ask myself: how much beating does it take to render a child unconscious? What must it be like to receive that kind of beating from a "parent," whether the child remembers it consciously or not?

[blind_otter]

 

Have any of you really been helped by counseling for real, or were you only helping yourself and paying someone for it? I'm serious here.

 

I've been following your thread....I can't comment, I'm only 28 and I was only married once for about 4 years...

 

But on this I can comment. My psychiatrist saved my life. I suffered from rape trauma syndrome and PTSD (molested at age 5, raped at age 12 and again at age 19) as well as depression and severe anxiety and sleep problems. I was in and out of therapy with psychologists, and with psychiatrists. All in all I've seen 8+ mental health professionals since I was 19. None of them really helped...in retrospect because I wasn't ready to BE helped.

 

I left off therapy for a long time. Mostly due to a year and half long cocaine and alcohol addiction that took over my life. I got sober with the help of AA, but without the numbing effect of the drugs and alcohol, I began to unravel. I began to hurt myself. Mainly I would just chain smoke and put the cigarettes out on various parts of my body. I still have the scars. My SO begged me to see someone...finally, I went back to therapy. I didn't have much hope. It hadn't helped in the past.

 

But this time was different. I really wanted to get better, fiercely. I've been in therapy for over a year now (since sept. 2006) and I've made a lot of progress. I'm 1000% better than I was before I started. I'm healthier, happier, and more prepared to face the challenges in my life.

 

I wouldn't be here to day if not for my psychiatrist. I honestly believe that.

[serial muse]

Have any of you really been helped by counseling for real, or were you only helping yourself and paying someone for it? I'm serious here.

 

I'll chime in too. I'm a former BS, split from my exH more than 4 years ago. Went through clinical depression, which I'm still climbing out of. I went to therapy almost immediately after the split (for the first time in my life) and it did help, because I was still very broken at that point, angry and despondent and unable to sort out what I was responsible for, what he was responsible for, what I was really angry about, how to move forward from the pain and anger, and so forth. My family and friends were supportive, but they weren't able to offer me the calm, neutral, clear-eyed perspective that I got from my therapist. And that was invaluable for setting me back on my feet and getting me functioning again, if not happy.

 

I moved a little while after, and have now been seeing a new therapist for the past two years. I had thought I was better, but then another painful relationship recalled a lot of that stuff (self-doubt, self-blame, general anger and bitterness about relationships, paranoia about cheating) and I knew I hadn't really dealt with those things, because I hadn't been ready before. Over these two years, however, I've noticed a gradual upward trend, and I can honestly say that nowadays, when I think about my exH, I don't feel angry any more. Just neutral. And it's such a relief not to be carrying that around.

 

As you see, it took me a long time. But it has definitely been a worthwhile investment. I've got me back. Could I have done it on my own? Maybe I'd have made progress, but I don't think I would have confronted myself, and my most deep-seated fears, as honestly without that outside perspective. And it's that honesty that I think is healing, and makes it possible to have a healthy relationship again. Therapy is sanctioned time to examine yourself, confront yourself, understand yourself, forgive yourself, and depending on the style of therapist you go to, to learn strategies for dealing with recurring negative thoughts, and/or understand better where those are really coming from (and sometimes it takes courage to face that).

 

Of course, that also means you have to be willing to look clearly at yourself. And it doesn't happen overnight. But that's been my experience. FWIW.

Edited January 29, 2008 by serial muse

[twice_shy]

And the details are sickening beyond belief. It was one affair, not two guys, all the time she supposedly spent with her friend's husband was just a cover for missing time.(odd, huh?) He was actually too busy screwing someone else's wife at he time to be bothered with my wife.

 

The actual affair was a booty call situation. My wife was basically an unpaid prostitute/sex slave for the scumbag. He text her, she would drive 50 miles, and they would get it on with no foreplay, no kissing(the guy wouldn't even kiss her), no romance, no nothing, just straight to his bedroom, jump in the sack. When I asked her how she could enjoy that, she claims she didn't. HUH? That's what she destroyed her marriage for? WOW!

 

No, I'm certainly not stupid enough to think I've gotten the whole truth. I know I've gotten part of it though. I'm sick. Physically sick.

 

But, I'm glad she told me. Now, what I have had proof of is confirmed. The confession certainly helps my legal case. She just can't stop self destructing. At this point, she'd have to be an idiot to be unaware I'm building a case against her.

 

Now the question is, what are you going to do? I'd advise divorce. You shouldn't have to put up with looking at her face every day for the rest of your life. Life is too short to be with someone like your wife. You deserve better.

[Trimmer]

Have any of you really been helped by counseling for real, or were you only helping yourself and paying someone for it? I'm serious here.

I was also a BS, split from STBX 2-1/2 years ago, 2 kids, although I had nothing approaching the traumas of blind_otter, nor the depression of serial_muse. However, I had a fair share of anger, confusion, and pain. I felt strong enough to know that I would survive somehow, but I'm really glad I sought someone out and stuck with it, because I've been able to work through that anger and pain in a way that I don't think I would have been able to do without help. Yes, I would have been able to move forward in life, but I think I would have been impeded by the burdens I was carrying (moreso, in any relationships I expect to have in the future...)

 

I'll echo the themes you've heard already - therapy/counseling isn't like paying someone to paint your car, or give you a massage while you lay there. You do the work yourself, and the therapist is a tool - your tool. Someone on another thread (maybe it was this one...) commented something like "I can't trust someone who takes my money and pretends to care..." and my comment on that is: I've never expected my therapist to "care," or be my friend, or tell me nice things that make me "feel good," and she doesn't try to do those things. I employ my therapist (yes, I consider that she works for me...) to use her skills to point out things that I may not see yet, or that I may be avoiding or denying, and to help guide me on a path where I do the good work myself.

 

I gave myself to the process, fully intending to change and improve my life in some small but meaningful ways, and gradually, that has come to pass, and I am glad I have done it.

 

If you drag yourself in, however, with the expectation that there's no way someone could possibly "fix you," then that expectation will probably come true.

 

If you think you might benefit from working through some things, a therapist can be a good tool to help you in that task. But you have to want it.

 

Could I have done it on my own? Maybe I'd have made progress, but I don't think I would have confronted myself, and my most deep-seated fears, as honestly without that outside perspective. And it's that honesty that I think is healing, and makes it possible to have a healthy relationship again. Therapy is sanctioned time to examine yourself, confront yourself, understand yourself, forgive yourself, and depending on the style of therapist you go to, to learn strategies for dealing with recurring negative thoughts, and/or understand better where those are really coming from (and sometimes it takes courage to face that).

 

Of course, that also means you have to be willing to look clearly at yourself. And it doesn't happen overnight. But that's been my experience. FWIW.

I agree completely S_M, and specifically with the comments here, which resonate with my own experience.

[Darth Vader]

Listen, you guys who are worried about my kids, for starters they are 14, 16, and 18 years old, they have been here to help pick up the pieces the last time she did this, and that abuse and child endangerment I mentioned is no joke. You guys just don't have any idea what she does to them, what they have been forced to live through. My whole time here I have focused on infidelity in my posts, as this is not a child/spousal abuse forum, and I only have so much time to type things out. Also, they are unfortunately well versed on this subject, and this is not going to be a surprise to them. Especially since I'm not the only one she confessed to. Once again she made a major decision affecting all of us without discussing it with me; she told them also before I could stop her. How dare she be the one to decide when to burden them with this! Yes, I most certainly have them in mind.

 

As far as how the divorce is going to go, look, even my lawyer told me that the outcome may not be all we seek. When it comes to these matters, the precedents have severely biased the legal system in the woman's favor. That is ice cold rock hard fact. Therefore, to ensure that the kids and I come out of this OK financially, I must be every bit as ruthless as my lawyer wants, present an overwhelming preponderance of evidence, and do everything I possibly can to stack the deck in my favor.

Or, she might agree to everything and we don't go thru all that. Or, we might work out a deal.

So, when I said "destitute", I meant that's the what the papers demand, not the guaranteed outcome.

 

As far as saving the marriage, yes, she did take the first small step. Big deal. The only reason she did is because I made the mistake of telling her I now know with every fiber of my being that I no longer need her, and that I will get through this with or without her. She had nothing to lose. It was 'safe' for her to tell me. It wasn't out of any concern for me, rather, it was an attempt to manipulate me, for whatever reason she wants to stay married.

 

Why is it that if a woman even comes close to mentioning abuse or violence, folks scream to end the marriage, yet if a man does people suggest working through it? This whole gender bias thing is the very reason my divorce papers stipulate what they do, and anyway, there is a huge difference between revenge and justice. I am seeking justice.

 

 

No wonder you want her to catch HELL! She told the children? My God, that would ruin any child! No wonder they hate her!

[Darth Vader]

OB, she has a criminal record. Domestic violence is part of that. She beat my younger daughter unconscious 2 years ago, gave her a concussion. She will never even remember the beating. And that certainly wasn't the only case, just an outstanding example of what I meant. Stop assuming I don't know what I'm talking about. My lawyer is not an idiot, neither am I. Except for being a doormat for so long. But, trust me, criminal convictions do indeed count as evidence.

 

 

I'm assuming that you have a Good men's rights kinda Lawyer?

[Darth Vader]

So, this big ugly brute of a man has been cowing this poor defenseless woman into submission?

 

Stop watching lifetime. You have no idea who you are sticking up for here. If you want to identify with her and twist me into a monster, go right ahead. Konw this though: you don't know what you are talking about.

 

The fact that you would insinuate this nonsense just really pissed me off. Thank you for that. Your assumptions have proven my point about gender bias. You are displaying extreme bias with your assumptions.

 

 

No wonder the Femanazi tag sticks sooo well!

[Darth Vader]

I am not questioning her responsiblity towards her children although I think this woman should be kept as far away as possible from her children. She is,to say the least, a horrendous influence. Her presence in their lives will likely do more harm than good.

 

What I can't wrap my head around is your continuing to stay married to this woman for two years after that horrible incident. I would have pressed charges and made sure the law kept her in check.

 

Why on Earth would you even want to get even with someone like this?

 

 

That's the problem, you're thinking like a woman in this situation. A woman has no problem reporting abuse, because a husband is not as likely to be successful in turning things around on his wife and say that she is/was the abuser of him/children. But a woman can/will do just that, even committing perjury. When it is found out that she is guilty of perjury, it most often goes unnoticed and unpunished! So, a man who is in a situation like this, has to be very cautious what he says and does, otherwise, he'll get to go to jail, now he has a record, instead of her, and he didn't even do anything wrong! Trust me, it happens more than you think!

[Darth Vader]

They have seen me take one for the team way too many times already. The former doormat is dead. Long live the man.

 

Yes, I have considered the long term consequences. I hope my kids are never foolish enough to tolerate being stomped on and walked all over the way I did. I want them to lead happy, healthy lives, find love, and be at peace in their hearts. I was teaching them the wrong lessons, being a bad example.

 

You have fully grasped why I must fight to 'win'. As I said, I know I probably won't 'get it all', will not be granted everything spelled out. I must counter the government sponsored bigotry with an overwhelming case. It is what it is.

 

Yes, she already has enough problems. My divorcing her will only make it worse for her. I am interested in hearing the alternatives that have been suggested. I am also in a bad place in my life right now, not just her. Is there any other logical path I can take that will be best for the majority of us, and not just her? Seriously, you guys are suggesting I am making a mistake, I am both willing and eager to find a less painful way to get through this! Tell me what you really think would be best, I do have an open mind about this, I just feel I have been backed into a corner and now must fight my way out, or die.

 

Those references to suicide related to divorce are no joke. I have been contemplating that as an alternative. That is certainly a way to end my pain once and for all. But, it's not good for my kids at all. That's all I have left. I am doing what I can to work on my self esteem, yet that doesn't seem acceptable. You guys bashing THE THRONE just don't have a clue. He knows, he understands. He is not sick. He is venting, and bringing up very valid points that apply directly to me. Very intuitive of him.

 

Stamp, don't you understand the pain of a betrayed spouse? Your eloquence forced me to understand the pain of the OM in your case, please, try to understand. I cannot express the depth of my pain as well as you can express yours. I don't know which combination of words can do that. I'm not good at it.

 

 

You're doing the right thing by "nailing her to the wall", don't give in to what other people are saying, that you're being too harsh, you're not. Your STBXW didn't care about all the harsh things she's done.

 

Don't kill yourself! It will get better as you distance yourself from her! You may want to consider getting your children some much needed counseling, it may/will help them to not become what your STBXW has become!

 

We're here for ya!

[Darth Vader]

Holy crap! You have a good point! I will indeed do just that.

 

Ya know, from what he's told me, it probably won't actually get to court. He says cases like mine are usually settled out of court, because the case is ironclad, and if she doesn't just sign on the dotted line and gets a lawyer he will recommend negotiation, rather than take a risk his bill will be so high she won't be able to pay it.

 

But, the case must be ironclad. And, I hadn't thought of that. Thank you for bringing this to my attention!

 

Yes, I was upset. I read more into your post than was actually there and lashed out. I'm sorry.

 

 

Even if it's "ironclad", any decent mother would fight to the bloody screaming death for her children! However, it may not be the case here. Just watch out for her to do 180's on ya, (unexpected stuff)and like in a hurry too! Make sure you keep hush hush about this, including deleting comp history, cookies, etc. Otherwise, if she gets wind of this, she'll drag it into the ground for all it's worth!

[Darth Vader]

I haven't been able to force myself to tell my extended family. I have only told one friend. I told my boss this morning because this has been affecting my work, and he has both a need and a right to know. He lied to me, told me I have some vouchers I didn't cash in yet,(not true) so I can take all the time I need and not worry about the money. I'm in shock over that- he's GIVING me the money, and I didn't earn it! That was the last response I expected.

 

But, if I go telling my extended family, I'll have to bring up the divorce when they ask, and she will get a heads up. She talks to them far more than she talks to me. And, I'm talking about MY side of the family here. The hypocrisy is staggering. How on earth could she be that close to them, yet be another man's sex slave?

Plus, I'll have to admit to them that I am a failure. I'm not ready for that.

 

 

As far as seeking counseling, I know that under the right circumstances, that can be helpful. That has not been my experience in the past. The last time she did this, I went to a psychiatrist, he basically interviewed me and wrote out a scrip for paxil. Well, paxil (at least for me) had some side effects. It made me a sexual superman(I was already in high gear to begin with, to my horror), and I had the kind of constipation that you could make a horror movie about. I never have THAT problem.

Psychologists are not doctors. All they need to 'qualify' for that is a few short years of school. If even that. From everything I've heard, what they do seems to amount to a bunch of nicey-nicey crap, it sounds like most of them listen, digest what you said, then tell you what they conclude you want to hear. For instance- the MC we were going to. I explained the problem, we were there because she was cheating. She lied of course and denied it. So the MC gave us a paper saying stuff like I FEEL... WHEN YOU... I NEED... to practice communicating, next session she was saying we had to compliment each others' shoes! WTF! But, as stupid as it felt, I even did that. She also said my wife shouldn't have to tell me anything she felt uncomfortable talking about. Told me I shouldn't listen to rumors. I told her it wasn't how I found out, and if I had to prove it I could because I have conclusive proof. She said- "OK, so you have proof. What are you going to do about it?" OMG! She actually got pissed because I challenged her! Bitch.

Well, my wife canceled the counseling, and actually I didn't blame her, it wasn't helping at all.

 

So, there you have it. I don't trust them, and have always had no faith in pseudoscience. From what I've experienced, all my research, everything I've learned about it has led me to conclude that it's alchemy, not chemistry. Maybe I'm wrong. But, it seems they are pretty much nothing more than someone to talk to. Which could be a bad thing, if they give you bad advice and you follow it thinking it's going to help because they 'know what they're talking about'. The human mind is very complex, and only so much is known about it. There are still more mysteries than anything else. And, the 'professionals' in this complex field don't even need much of an education. Like handing a loaded gun to a chimp. They sure need their fees though, don't they.

 

Have any of you really been helped by counseling for real, or were you only helping yourself and paying someone for it? I'm serious here.

 

 

As far as your wife talking to your family more than you, it almost looks like a form of manipulation, while banging other men. Perhaps she did that in case if you found out about her actions, so she would be able to lie, cover her tracks, get the heads up, make you sound crazy to your own family, like singling you out whereas you would have no one to confide in to get help. But, that's just my viewpoint.

[Darth Vader]

Yes, it does mean you're a failure. The entire life you built around the marriage is a failure. It's never 'easy' to begin with, you have to MAKE it work. It is a responsibility, an obligation. A commitment, a promise you will stick it out, you must get through the hard times no matter what. I didn't. I must face that and learn to be OK with it. I am not OK with it at all.

 

 

NO IT DOESN'T! It take 2 people to make a marriage work, not 1. You did the best you could, she didn't! She didn't have to cheat, abuse, etc., but she did anyway by her choice, you didn't. Therefore, there's only 1 failure in your marriage, and that failure is NOT YOU!:bunny::bunny:

[Trimmer]

Betrayed:

 

Can you give us an update? What's happening now?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hope your doing ok BMM.

[BetrayedMM]

It's been rough. She's still here, but not for long. The next step(now that I got the tax return) is getting her worthless ass out the door. She's looking for an apt. Approx 1 month after she moves out, she gets the papers. Helps me keep the house if she's gone before she gets served. She thinks it's a separation, but it's really a divorce. In fact, she doesn't want to leave at all! "But I LOVE YOU". Bull.

 

She alternates between trying to 'save' the marriage and trying to turn the kids against me. My son sees right through it(and came to me to tell me what she's doing), but the girls have been acting weird. This has me almost as pissed off as the cheating. She thinks she's pleading her case to them, but she's seriously just filling their heads with ... crap. She just can't seem to be able to stop hurting them. But, who am I to keep a mother from her kids, right?

 

In the meantime, she has been going to IC. It turns out that the root of her problems may have been being raped when she was 6 years old. I hadn't known about that. But, what happens is the childhood trauma causes low self esteem, which causes fear of intimacy, which leads to most of the problems that destroyed our marriage. She feels she's damaged goods, and behaves as such. So be it. Part of me pities her, most of me wants her GONE. As far as I'm concerned, she IS damaged goods.

 

I'm gonna go a bit OT here, but this is significant-

 

Incredibly, my lawyer has informed me that adultery is actually illegal(A CRIME), and that if I choose I can actually press charges and that it carries a sentence of up to 2 years in prison! Admittedly, it's an outdated law by today's sociopathic moral standards, but it's still on the books, and a jury would have to convict if adultery is proven beyond a reasonable doubt.

Well, I'm not vindictive enough to do that. But, I have read on this forum that it's not a crime. WRONG, that is misinformation. Yes, it is, literally, a crime and adulterers aren't merely scum, they're criminals. The laws differ from state to state, but in many states it is still a crime, as it should be.

[BetrayedMM]

Oh, one other detail- she has been taking lithium orotate, and hasn't gone manic since. The monster is being held at bay by drugs. But, it seems it's much more than bipolar disorder that makes her a violent slut, so that isn't going to lead to any reconciliation.

[Darth Vader]

I'm surprised that you're not going to have her imprisoned, her abuse towards the children should have already imprisoned her, but, I'm not surprised, she's a woman, women can get away with murder these days and not face any consequenses. What state do you live in, all of us men may have to move there!

 

Your girls are acting weird, in what way? Your STBXW may have more of a heads up than you think, in the very least she suspects something going on! Like I said, expect her to FIGHT!

[BetrayedMM]

State- Penn's woods.

 

She does have a bit of a heads up- she knows I can't stand her presence, and we both agree she simply can't live here. It's not as if things are 'normal' around here. If I were her, I'd be expecting divorce. But, one of her friends recently caught her husband cheating, and they're separated now with no divorce plans. She probably thinks our situation is identical. WRONG.

 

I do expect a bit of a fight, I doubt she'll just sign the papers. I'm sure there will be negotiations at least.

For instance- I'm getting the impression she plans on taking the girls with her. She's looking for a 2 bedroom apt., and been talking trash to the kids behind my back. If the girls REALLY want to go with her, I'll let them, but my son has made it crystal clear he's staying right here.

 

By weird I mean stand-offish. Maybe they're just stressed and avoiding the situation as best as they can. They do know what's going on(not the divorce, but the rest).

 

Yes, I have my eyes open for dirty tricks. I do have ways of getting a heads-up if she consults a lawyer or something, then the papers get served immediately. She is technologically impaired (still doesn't understand drag-and-drop for instance), but I've been covering my tracks anyway, while keeping a close eye on hers. Keylogger, GPS tracker in her car, close to real time access to cell (also GPS enabled) and home phone records. If she can somehow manage to preempt me under the circumstances, she's far sneakier than I already know her to be. She knows I have access to the phone records, but not the rest.

Frankly, I just want to get this over with, I'm tired of HAVING to be paranoid. I'm sick and tired of worrying about this and want to get on with my life.

[Elena62]

Frankly, I just want to get this over with, I'm tired of HAVING to be paranoid. I'm sick and tired of worrying about this and want to get on with my life.

 

I hope it's very soon for you so that you can start to live in peace. Your situation sounds very painful. I'm sure life will improve for you once you get past the divorce. Best of luck with that!

[OpenBook]

OB, she has a criminal record. Domestic violence is part of that. She beat my younger daughter unconscious 2 years ago, gave her a concussion. She will never even remember the beating. And that certainly wasn't the only case, just an outstanding example of what I meant.

 

She alternates between trying to 'save' the marriage and trying to turn the kids against me. My son sees right through it(and came to me to tell me what she's doing), but the girls have been acting weird. This has me almost as pissed off as the cheating. She thinks she's pleading her case to them, but she's seriously just filling their heads with ... crap. She just can't seem to be able to stop hurting them. But, who am I to keep a mother from her kids, right?

 

Hey, if I were in your daughter's shoes I'd be tiptoeing on eggshells too. I wouldn't want to end up in the hospital again. And who are you to leave your kids exposed to this danger when you already know what she's capable of -- and so does the law with her criminal record??? I don't understand AT ALL.