You all have choices!

[clia]

I feel like there has been a number of posts lately regarding exes who "need some space to figure out what they want" and I feel like I've been repeating myself excessively.

 

So, I'm starting my own thread!

 

The overwhelming feeling I get from many of these posts is that the person feels they have no options other than to sit around and wait for the other person so make up their mind. Not true. First of all, it baffles me why anyone would want to be with a person who has to take time to think about whether they want to be together. Second of all, it baffles me why anyone would want to be with a person who treats them this way.

 

When you decide to let another person have the power to put your life on hold, you are only screwing yourself. You do not have to sit there and wait. You can end things with them and move on with your life. Putting your life on hold is crazy if you think about it, because you have zero control over this outcome. It is all based on how another person is feeling, and as we all know, feelings don't make any sense a lot of the time. So, you wait, and wait, and wait--when does it end? Do you wait for two months, six months, a year? Time during which you could be making your life progress forward instead of remaining stagnant?

 

"Because I love him/her" is not an excuse. It is code for "I am afraid to be alone" or "I love how he/she used to be" or "I am afraid to go through the pain of a break up" or "I do not want to feel rejected." Don't get me wrong--I know love, and I know how bad it hurts to end a relationship. I also know it takes time to get over it--it's not like a light switch. But the "because I love him/her" excuse serves to only not make you look at the situation objectively. It's too easy to say that. Love does not conquer all. There are many other things that need to be in place to have a lasting relationship. And you know what? You can be in love with that person all you want, but if they don't love you back, it's all moot. Bonnie Raitt sang it "I can't make you love me if you don't." You can't. And you can sit around and wait until you are old and gray, but what's the point of that?

 

Many people also voice their desire to remain friends. Let's be realistic--you don't really want to be "friends." You want to be able to remain in their proximity in the hope that they will change their mind. That could happen, sure. But chances are it won't. So while you are sitting there hoping your "friend" will change their mind and come back to you, your "friend" is off moving on with his/her life and dating other people. Why consciously put yourself through that pain? Why keep your life on hold?

 

Ultimately, you cannot control how another person feels about you. When that person says "I need space" they mean it. When a person says they do not want to be with you, they mean it. You need to listen to what they are saying. It's amazing the confusion that many people bring to the forum when their ex/significant other has specifically told them the situation. It's not rocket science--listen to what people are saying. Give them what they want. If they want space, give it to them. Go out and date other people or fill your life with new activities.

 

This is not the last person you will ever love, even though it may feel like it now. This is not the last person you will be intimate with or share great stories with or laugh with. There are millions of great people out there--why waste your time waiting for someone who doesn't treat you right?

 

Oh, that's right. "Because I love him/her."

[RogueK]

So if i lost someone because i was having trouble deciding what i wanted and i've come to grips with myself and what i wanted is there any chance of getting them back. I know this is like the fourth time i've posted this but I can't stop thinking about her and how we should be together.

 

She's decided she wants to move on. There's still a chance that she sits by the phone every now and then wanting to call me but doesn't. Theres also the chance she has mentaly blocked me out completely. Whatever is going through her mind can she really decide to try again?

 

I hate myself and have so much regret that i can't handle it sometimes.

[clia]

So if i lost someone because i was having trouble deciding what i wanted and i've come to grips with myself and what i wanted is there any chance of getting them back.

 

Anything is possible. But it hurts to be the person on the receiving end of an "I need space" speech. It destroys (at least IMO) a lot of what a relationship is based on. It leaves that person always wondering in the back of their mind "Well gee, will this person need space again in six months?" It makes them insecure in the relationship. It just makes things altogether different.

 

She's decided she wants to move on.

 

I think you should let her move on. It's probably taken a lot for her to get to the point where she can say that, and you should respect that.

 

There's still a chance that she sits by the phone every now and then wanting to call me but doesn't. Theres also the chance she has mentaly blocked me out completely.

 

Again, anything is possible. I'm sure she thinks about you from time to time. Whether she thinks of you fondly or the opposite is open for debate.

 

Whatever is going through her mind can she really decide to try again?

 

She could, but it's a huge risk for her. You already have a track record of hurting her and needing time away from her. I've been in her shoes, and believe me, I end up mentally blocking out that person. You can never go back to the relationship in the same way after going through something like this.

 

I hate myself and have so much regret that i can't handle it sometimes.

 

Why put yourself through this? We all make mistakes and have done really stupid things when in a relationship. Why not just chalk this up as a learning experience and move on? Stop feeling sorry for yourself--you are the one who created this situation. Don't fault her for not wanting to deal with you or it anymore.

[RogueK]

I'm not faulting her and i am working on looking at this as a learing experience. It's just a relationship i know can work and one that we were happy in. I know that if she were to give me the shot it would work. I also know only she can make that decision.

 

I guess i'm looking to move on but not looking to get rid of that hope. She would have married me. She would have done anything for me and me for her. It's just when she talked about commitment type things i would tell her stuff like i needed time to think about it. I wasn't saying no. I just didn't know it was going to end because i didn't pay attention to the things she said.

 

I've lost so much in the past 3 weeks. She's had relationships where men have verbally and physically abused her. She had a child with one and he now wants nothing to do with him.

 

I just wasn't ready for marriage and I'M the one who loses. Somethings just feel meant to be and i can't let go of that.

 

You can't tell me months from now there is no way no "formula" to help put things right can you?

[clia]

Nope, unfortunately there's never a formula when feelings are involved.

 

I guess i'm looking to move on but not looking to get rid of that hope.

 

Hate to tell you, but you aren't moving on if you are still clinging to a thread of hope. Moving on means...moving on. Completely.

[RogueK]

Then i guess i'm just not ready to move on yet. Is that necessarily bad? Are things sometimes WORTH holding on for?

[clia]

Is that necessarily bad?

 

Not necessarily, but I think you may just be prolonging the inevitable. It's your choice.

 

Are things sometimes WORTH holding on for?

 

Of course, but not everything is. Only you know what is going on with your ex, what your relationship was like, and the probable odds that she might return. However, by being so close to the situation and having all these feelings for her that you do, I fear you aren't looking at things with a clear head. I mean, you can wait and wait and wait if you want, but at some point you really have to be able to look at this and determine if it is worth it. If she never comes back, you will have wasted X amount of time sitting around feeling sad and depressed. That's no way to live.

 

I think for you, the better option is to start moving on with your life, and then if she does come back (assuming you have told her the door is open if she changes her mind), that's just an added bonus. But you really have to make the conscious choice to move on and assume that she isn't coming back. Then if she does, cool. If she doesn't, you have gone on with your life and don't have to look back at 2003 as The Year I Wasted.

[Cpunch75]

Clia-

wonderful posts, seriously!

 

This space has given me the time to consider what I really want in a girl and that I know that there is alot better out there.

 

I settled for a girl with a drug problem, whoa

 

I settled for a girl with a shady past, whoa

 

I settled for a girl who wants "space" after our "1st" argument, another whoa

 

I try and try to be nice to her, and she walks all over me. So pretty much now i'm really considering blocking her out because really to be honest she's been a pain in the ass in the relationship, and all my friends are telling me don't settle for her treating you like crap.

 

Cpunch

[Cpunch75]

Clia wrote

 

"If she never comes back, you will have wasted X amount of time sitting around feeling sad and depressed. That's no way to live."

 

not only that, but you lose yourself as a person, and dwelling on it can be catastrophic to your mental health and can cost you. I wish i could have changed the way I dealt with my break up at the end of college, i've wasted a lot of time

 

Cpunch

[MrSadman]

That was a great post clia you are very wise I think people who mostly write to these post are young at least I that why I wrote post because I'm young and unexperienced. I just had my first girlfriend and lost her four months ago and I'm 18. You know people always say you love your first love forever at least I feel that way I feel the same way Rogue K I still have hope that we will be together and thats the only reason I still wanted to be friends with me ex with the chance she would change her mind but its unlikely she will. You spoke to me on that being friends with your ex message and quote it no one I could still be friends with me ex with the feelings I have for her it would just make me sad and I'm already why make myself even worse.

 

Your right I do just need to go on with my life and try to be happy and not think about what she doing. She is having fun with her friends and her new boyfriends (she dated him two months after she broke up with me I thought that was quick but after listening to your post I guess it wasn't she didn't want to spend time thinking about dumping me all day) why can't I be doing the same doing the same thing but I can't for some reason but I do need to move. Because like my mom said no girl wants a guy who looks sad and depressed about losing their ex its just not appealing. But unfortunately giving all up hope on your ex is way easier said than done it will take me alot longer to stop having hope we will get back together.

[clia]

Cpunch,

 

I wish i could have changed the way I dealt with my break up at the end of college, i've wasted a lot of time

 

Haven't we all at one time or another? I think maybe you have to go through it once to realize what not to do the next time, but I hope to maybe be able to preempt that for some folks by posting this. It is so hard to face (at least I think), but once you do realize and understand it, I think you are so much better off. Good luck to you!

 

Mr. Sadman,

 

why can't I be doing the same doing the same thing but I can't for some reason but I do need to move.

 

You are having a hard time because it's much harder to be the "dumpee" than the "dumper." Fact of life. It wasn't your choice to break up, but here you find yourself broken up. It's hard, but just remember that every single person who posts on this site has likely been where you are at one time or another, and all of us have been able to make it through and move on.

 

Because like my mom said no girl wants a guy who looks sad and depressed about losing their ex its just not appealing.

 

Your mom is right! We also don't like guys who talk about their exes a lot, which guys who are still hung up on their ex tend to do.

 

But unfortunately giving all up hope on your ex is way easier said than done it will take me alot longer to stop having hope we will get back together.

 

Take the time you need. You are definitely entitled to some downtime to be depressed and cry about things. It would not be human for you not to be that way. But don't drag it out for months and months (or God forbid, years.) It's fine to have some feelings of love in your heart for your ex, but not at the expense of preventing you from finding someone new or being able to move on with your life.

 

At some point, you have to say to yourself "I am not going to be like this anymore." It's no fun being depressed all the time. Sometimes you have to force yourself to get out, have fun, and do other things. (Keeping yourself busy is one of the tricks to moving on. Sitting around at home alone listening to love songs does not help you move on.) You might have to fake it for awhile. And then, one day, you won't be faking it anymore. You'll be able to look back on things fondly, but you won't be hung up on her anymore. If you run into her on the street, you won't be reduced to tears. If you see her with another guy or hear about her dating another guy, you won't care because you'll have a full life of your own. And so on...

[jessicakicksbut]

Many people also voice their desire to remain friends. Let's be realistic--you don't really want to be "friends." You want to be able to remain in their proximity in the hope that they will change their mind. That could happen, sure. But chances are it won't. So while you are sitting there hoping your "friend" will change their mind and come back to you, your "friend" is off moving on with his/her life and dating other people. Why consciously put yourself through that pain? Why keep your life on hold?

 

In my opinion, the whole "I need my space" excuse is the biggest pathetic excuse going right now...a person is basically saying "not only I not want you as a girlfriend/boyfriend, but you are not even my friend, go away!" All I have to say is, friends don't give friends space if they are in fact true friends. Also, you have to be friends first if you are to be successful as lovers. People need those close in their life, whether it is family or friends, to be there in both good times and bad.

 

I am not saying to spend every waking moment together, and there may be days when contact can not be made at all (i.e. one or the other is on a business trip), or days that are very hectic and busy and there is no time. Understandable, but that is not the same as taking weeks or months off a realtionship just because one supposedly needs "space".

 

Nevertheless, I think the whole "I need space" thing in my opinion is a joke...guess some people are just willing to settle for "fair-weathered" people to consume their lives and time. What a shame that some people will settle for the worst just to have a relationship.