husband doesn't want to have sex...!!!

[whatislove]

we've been married for less than 6 months.

used to have sex every day (sometimes twice).

 

now he says he won't have sex with me because we have relationship problems. he thinks i don't put enough effort into the relationship and everything always revolves around me.

 

he slept in the living room the past 3 nights.

 

in the past he would have sex with x girlfriends (at least 2 that i know of) after they were broken up. he says it's because it was just about sex and they were aware of it and went for it anyway.

 

but he can't have it with me because he's IN LOVE with me.

 

does this make any sense to anyone?

 

thank you!

 

ps - and he gets mad when i masturbate so i really don't know what to do.

[Zolie]

He's punishing you. It's the old "withholding sex to punish" syndrome. More often used by women than by men. It doesn't work when either gender does it.

 

On a more complex level, he is trying to tell you something here. Listen to him. He is telling you sex with you is all about making love, not just about sex, and if he is feeling a lack of love between you - for whatever reason - then he doesn't feel like making love.

 

Take some time to think about what he is referring to when he says you don't put enough into the relationship. If you can't figure it out, ask him to give you specifics. And don't get defensive when he tells you. Think about it and decide if he has some valid complaints or not. On one hand, he may be expecting too much from you; on the other hand, he may have a valid complaint.

 

Good luck.

[whatislove]

thanks Zolie. he just called me in to talk to him so i went. he says, "what do you propose will change between us?" i said, "i am going to try harder, etc". he says he has heard that before, what's different this time?

 

and then he says - i just want a divorce so i am going to start looking for lawyers tomorrow (Sunday). He says he's been emotionally "divorced" for a while now because of my actions so now he's just decided to make it legal.

 

I really don't get what his problem is.

 

ps - if he's emotionally divorced why can't we be physical?

[jeffrey_e]

your body belongs to you. your husband has no right telling you that you can't touch youself. holding back affection is a childish way of gaining contol over their partner. no one likes to be controlled. try going to a theapist with your husband. you two need to learn how to argue and how to listen so you both can get you needs met. if he won't go with you go alone. good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Why divorce? GO to marriage counselling! Learn how to communicate, respect and compromise, to listen to eachother.. Make this suggestion to him.

 

I highly doubt all of this is your fault, it takes two to have problems in a marriage.

[whatislove]

thanks guys. we've been to counseling (once) before, and it was definitely not a pleasant experience (for him more so than for me).

 

Why divorce? I have no idea. He says I don't talk to him; problems never get resolved; that i'll say anything to get sex and after that i go back to my old "distant " self. I am actually a highly sensitive / emotional person, never been accused of being distant before in my life. He says we are not emotionally connected.

 

He claims that I shut down several months ago after he had said something to me and I wasn't able to forgive that, and am still hurt by that.

I disagree. I also don't understand how a person can claim to know your innermost thoughts/ feelings no matter how close they are to you.

 

i just don't understand why he can't just live life and allow us to enjoy ourselves and grow as a couple, and i keep telling him that.

 

he's upset about these outstanding "issues" we have, so he won't go out or do anything because he doesn't want to lie to our friends by acting "happy". That makes no sense to me either.

 

I said the only way to get better is if we just try to enjoy ourselves and take it one day at a time. He says "how can we do that if we have unresolved issues"...

 

anyway.. i feel like i'm going around in circles.

 

i think our problems are petty.

 

i mean people have real problems like health, $$$, infidelity.

 

and we're sitting here arguing about arguing...

 

i guess i was just venting.

 

would love to hear your opinions though, and thank you for listening!

[norajane]

thanks Zolie. he just called me in to talk to him so i went. he says, "what do you propose will change between us?" i said, "i am going to try harder, etc". he says he has heard that before, what's different this time?

 

and then he says - i just want a divorce so i am going to start looking for lawyers tomorrow (Sunday). He says he's been emotionally "divorced" for a while now because of my actions so now he's just decided to make it legal.

 

I really don't get what his problem is.

 

What specifically has he said that you are doing that is making him feel that you don't put enough into the relationship and that it's all about you? Certainly, this isn't the first time this issue has come up, so what has he said is the problem?

 

Do you ignore him when he talks to you? Are you involved with your friends and do stuff without him all the time? Do you never ask him what he wants to do and assume he'll do whatever you want? Do you do nice things for him, or is it always the other way around with him doing nice things for you that you just expect him to do, or don't even notice? Do you thank him when he does nice things for you?

 

ps - if he's emotionally divorced why can't we be physical?

I find this question bizarre to the extreme. Your husband is telling you he wants a divorce, and all you care about is why he won't have sex with you if he is detached, like he did with his exes?

 

Don't you care that he wants to get a divorce?

Edited January 26, 2008 by norajane

[Zolie]

he's upset about these outstanding "issues" we have, so he won't go out or do anything because he doesn't want to lie to our friends by acting "happy". That makes no sense to me either.

 

So, he has told you what he is specifically upset about? Can you share? It would be easier to offer opinions if we knew what he is specifically complaining about.

[whatislove]

thanks guys.

 

he says i don't trust him enough to let him "into" my life.

 

I never go out and do things on my own with my friends - he would go mad!

 

and lately we haven't even gone out together because he is always in this "mood", upset with me. the only people we see occasionally is my brother and his girlfriend.

 

i do appreciate everything he does for me, always thanking him, etc. and do not ask him to do any of it to begin with.

 

his view of marriage is that two people become living as one, as a union.

 

Although i agree in theory (and think it's a beautiful thought), i am not sure it is possible or healthy logistically.

 

i mean he wants to know exactly what i am thinking at all times, and sometimes when he asks i really don't have a clue (perhaps i'm day dreaming).

 

also - i am very spontaneous - so i don't know what i'm doing one minute to the next.

 

i'll give you an example to better understand -

 

the other day (on a weekend) i went out for starbucks and had to go return something a t a clothing store. as i was leaving i told him where i was going and said i'd be home soon. on the way back i stopped by Barnes and Nobles (didn't plan to) and then texted him to let him know i was there. spend about 40 minutes there reading and then texted him would you like to have lunch with me.

 

he was furious texted me "wtf? everything is on your time now? i will not put up with this e don't u have any consideration for me etc"

 

i was shocked... it was only 1pm (normal time we have brunch) so what was the problem?

 

in any event perhaps this makes it clearer.

 

it's a bunch of things like that that bother him. he feels like i don't care and don't want to let him know my plans ahead of time.

 

well - i tell him - i don't know my "plans" ahead of time so how can i let u know...

 

as far as the sex - it's not that i'm not concerned about the marriage - I am.

 

i just want sex. i don't know how to say this any clearer. every time i look at him i get turned on. even when we're fighting. and he thinks i'm just trying to have sex to end the arguement. not true at all.

 

I JUST WANT SOME!!!!

lol

[Zolie]

Hmmmmm. Ok. This sounds like he has some serious control issues. I'm always hesitant to offer an analysis of someone's behavior, when I haven't heard their side of it.

 

Based on what little I know, it is my opinion that there are only two reasons a person would behave this way. One, they are a control freak by nature, who will never be pleased with anything their spouse does, and will attempt to control the spouse by withholding things they knows the spouse wants.

 

Or, they feel their spouse is truly inconsiderate of their time and feelings, etc, and resent it so much they will lash out. In my experience if a person accuses another person of some ill-behavior, they truly feel the person is behaving in an unacceptable manner. It may be misperceived on their part, or it may be true.

 

Only you know what the true situation is.

[Storyrider]

It sounds like you two have different values about sex, intimacy, what marriage means, how close you need to be, etc. Maybe he sees these are core differences, and that is why he wants a divorce. Better to have this come out now as opposed to later.

[whatislove]

awww.. thank you soooo much Zolie, you are a wise one.

 

of course there is always two sides to a story. i really do want to understand his. he is saying by me asking for sex i don't care about the marriage. I don't see how that is.

 

perhaps i can get him to post here or just have him write out all the issues he has with me and why and i can post it...

 

thanks again!

[Zolie]

It's more about being experienced, than being wise. Your story struck a chord with me. My ex husband didn't want sex very often with me either, and I could write a 2 inch book on the many excuses he gave me over a 25 year period.

 

One of those excuses was eerily similar to what your husband is saying to you - that he didn't feel like making love with me when he wasn't feeling very loving towards me, which he claimed was caused by some unloving behavior on my part. My reply to that was that my "unloving behavior" was caused by his refusal to have sex with me, lol. There's that chicken and egg thing again...

 

My ex husband was not a control freak - but he was definitely guilty of passive/aggressive behavior. He knew I wanted sex, and he refused it with many excuses, never telling me the real reason, until about 15 years into the marriage, which is when I heard the unloving behavior excuse. But, imo, that was just him rewriting history. Sure, I wasn't very loving after 15 years of being refused sex! I was downright nasty at times, by that point!

 

Anyway, I hope you and your husband can get to the root of the real problem here. When I read stories on forums like this, I get so curious - I really want to meet both parties and see what the heck is going on, lol.

[norajane]

of course there is always two sides to a story. i really do want to understand his. he is saying by me asking for sex i don't care about the marriage. I don't see how that is.

 

I'm guessing he thinks you seem to be more interested in having sex than in talking with him about the state of your marriage.

 

I know if I were very unhappy and trying to talk to my bf about our relationship and he just wanted to have sex, I'd think he didn't care about my feelings, just about his penis and getting off.

[Gunny376]

ROTFLMAO~!

 

Maybe its just me? I don't know? Or perhaps its that I've just read/reading a couple of books about the latest findings between men and women ~ but to be honest? There seems to be a little bit of gender-role reversal going on her with the DH taking the traditional "women's" position and you taking the "traditional" male's stance?

 

I wouldn't worry too much about divorce right now ~ he's just "woffing" (as in his bark his bigger than his bite).

 

But you do need some new tools to add to your skill set.

 

Barnes and Nobles ~ 40 minutes ~ you're a "reader" ~ that's good news!

 

Strole yourself down to "ChinaMart" ~ I mean Walmart and pick up John Gray's latest book, ($17.95) "When Mars and Venus Collide"

 

Its about how men and women handle stress differently, and about how to deal with day-to-day stress that modern day couples face. Its also about how to "argue" and how not to argue.

 

It explains the differences between the "hard-wiring" in males brains/ female brains. And why men and women think and perceive the same reality/situation differently!

 

Its based upon ground-breaking studies ~ and is also covered (LOL) in a book out of Great Britian titled "Why Men Don't Have A Clue? And Women Need A New Pair of Shoes" (And no I'm not about to go digging through all these book shelves trying to find the ISBN number and author's name this late at nite! But if you absolutely need it ~ I'll get back with ya on my "weekend ~ Mon-Tue when I have time?)

 

Either way? Your DH has "issues"

 

What the are? I don't know?

 

He could be a "control freak"

 

He could be gay or bisexual ~ and not know it? (That's entirely possible!) A&E show ~ "Forty year old Virgin" Guy didn't have a clue? Strong social, cultural, family, religious conditioning could block that?

 

Part of the "problem" is that men don't need women ~ and women don't need men in the "traditional" sense that we have the last 10,000 or so years. The landscape has changed? In just the last 50 or so years? The rules have changed!

[Chrome Barracuda]

we've been married for less than 6 months.

used to have sex every day (sometimes twice).

 

now he says he won't have sex with me because we have relationship problems. he thinks i don't put enough effort into the relationship and everything always revolves around me.

 

he slept in the living room the past 3 nights.

 

in the past he would have sex with x girlfriends (at least 2 that i know of) after they were broken up. he says it's because it was just about sex and they were aware of it and went for it anyway.

 

but he can't have it with me because he's IN LOVE with me.

 

does this make any sense to anyone?

 

thank you!

 

ps - and he gets mad when i masturbate so i really don't know what to do.

 

 

uh-oh.

 

Question?

 

Are you fat?

 

Is he depressed. Something deeper is going on here, and I dont think it's you.

[Fun2BMe]

I can see where he's coming from and it must be so frustrating for him. To you everything is ok but it's not for him so it's hard to be physical. Red flags when you wrote: "ps - if he's emotionally divorced why can't we be physical?" Hello?!!! If someone is not emotionally intune with you, why would you still even want to be physical? Why do you think THEY would want to? Something is wrong with your lack of empathy. Might not be your fault and I don't think you even realize it, so I don't know how you can get help, it's really sad actually. Good luck and I suggest you masterbate without letting him know as you sound like you have a lot of pent up sexual energy which might cool you down once you get it out. You might be looking at him like a piece of meet without realizing it when he's trying to talk to you about his emotions. And I do believe you have been passive-agressive towards him ever since he revealed whatever it was that troubled you a few months ago.

Edited January 27, 2008 by Fun2BMe

[sedgwick]

The biggest issues I see here are actually on his part. He would "go mad" if you spent time with your friends? He gets all upset and tells you everything's on "your time" if you spend 40 minutes in a bookstore?!?!

 

How are you able to stand this? There's two people being one, and then there's expecting you to have absolutely no life of your own. I couldn't put up with that for half a second!

[whatislove]

Hi Gunny, thanks for the book recommendations (i should be able to find them...lol)

and you're absolutely right - there's definitely a role reversal here. he always wants to talk about his "feelings", sex or no sex. and i just want to live life.

 

i know this may sound callous or whatever but i think if you keep wallowing in your problems (which, like i said, we really don't have any "real" ones), you'll just keep perpetuating it and never get better.

 

i'm not opposed to talking about feelings- but when that's literally all we do - hello!!! when do we actually get to experience new things if we're always "talking" about things that already happened.

 

fun2beme - i disagree with you. it's not pent up sexual energy - i want HIM and not my right hand. and i think i should be able to be physical with my husband. i understand if he's not well or whatever but he's creating unnecessary problems. btw - this whole emotional divorce makes no sense to me. he says he loves me, is in love with me, i can see the way he looks at me (i know he wants me), so please. it's a total mind control game. and yes i am getting frustrated with it, but not because of some "pent up sexual" energy. because he's acting like a 2 year old girl.

 

barracuda - im not fat, im actually a model.

 

and i don't think he's depressed, he's just soooooo damn sensitive... and i'm sure some ladies here will say - how can u complain your H is too sensitive?

trust me - it can get to a level where it's really annoying and counter productive.

 

thank you all again for listening...)

[dgiirl]

F2BM is right here. From your few posts here, you have a very sad lack of empathy. I wouldnt want to have sex with you either. Your persistence in sex shows a lack of caring for his needs and feelings.

 

If you want to resolve this issue with your husband, then you have to acknowledge that your husband is entitled to his own feelings (even if you do not agree with them). He is expressing his feelings to you and all you are doing is giving him counter-reasons why he shouldnt feel such a way and then calling him oversensitive and a 2 year old girl. The gender roles have reversed and you are acting no better than he is. You seem to be acting like the typical guy who refuses to allow someone to feel the way they feel and just want your own way.

 

First step in fixing this marriage is giving him the right to feel the way he feels without making fun of him or trying to discredit his feelings. Once he feels that you truly understand HOW he feels, that you understand he is hurt or sad or mad, instead of just blowing it off as one of his moods, then he might be able to start working on resolving those issues. But he wont until he feels he's been fully heard and understood, not necessarily agreed with, but at least heard and understood.

[Gunny376]

F2BM is right here. From your few posts here, you have a very sad lack of empathy. I wouldnt want to have sex with you either. Your persistence in sex shows a lack of caring for his needs and feelings.

 

If you want to resolve this issue with your husband, then you have to acknowledge that your husband is entitled to his own feelings (even if you do not agree with them). He is expressing his feelings to you and all you are doing is giving him counter-reasons why he shouldnt feel such a way and then calling him oversensitive and a 2 year old girl. The gender roles have reversed and you are acting no better than he is. You seem to be acting like the typical guy who refuses to allow someone to feel the way they feel and just want your own way.

 

First step in fixing this marriage is giving him the right to feel the way he feels without making fun of him or trying to discredit his feelings. Once he feels that you truly understand HOW he feels, that you understand he is hurt or sad or mad, instead of just blowing it off as one of his moods, then he might be able to start working on resolving those issues. But he wont until he feels he's been fully heard and understood, not necessarily agreed with, but at least heard and understood.

 

 

There's nothing nothing wrong with the flip-flop of the "traditional" gender-role, this is the culmination of the last 50 or so years of modern life?

 

The isssue is "sorting it out" with the last 20,000 years of the traditional "role model" of what is male and what is female roles?

 

Thus the "metro-sexual" and NGS (Nice Guy Syndrone) etc.

 

Its really all a matterr of ignorance, self-education, comprehension, and balance and understanding on bothsides of the coin!

 

Learn damnit!

 

Think outside the "box"

[HokeyReligions]

thanks guys. we've been to counseling (once) before, and it was definitely not a pleasant experience (for him more so than for me).

 

Why divorce? I have no idea. He says I don't talk to him; problems never get resolved; that i'll say anything to get sex and after that i go back to my old "distant " self. I am actually a highly sensitive / emotional person, never been accused of being distant before in my life. He says we are not emotionally connected.

 

He claims that I shut down several months ago after he had said something to me and I wasn't able to forgive that, and am still hurt by that.

I disagree. I also don't understand how a person can claim to know your innermost thoughts/ feelings no matter how close they are to you.

 

i just don't understand why he can't just live life and allow us to enjoy ourselves and grow as a couple, and i keep telling him that.

 

he's upset about these outstanding "issues" we have, so he won't go out or do anything because he doesn't want to lie to our friends by acting "happy". That makes no sense to me either.

 

I said the only way to get better is if we just try to enjoy ourselves and take it one day at a time. He says "how can we do that if we have unresolved issues"...

 

anyway.. i feel like i'm going around in circles.

 

i think our problems are petty.

 

i mean people have real problems like health, $$$, infidelity.

 

and we're sitting here arguing about arguing...

 

i guess i was just venting.

 

would love to hear your opinions though, and thank you for listening!

You thinking the issues are petty could be part of the problem. They might seem petty to you, but to him they are not and your attitude of devaluing the issues could be hurting him more than you realize.

 

The "I'll try harder" response when you don't even know what the issues are, or consider them petty, is devaluation of them too.

 

He doesn't have to know your innermost thoughts, but people who are close and who love each other can sense a change in another person without being able to pinpoint that change. You may not have noticed any alteration in your demeanor, but he apparently has. It could be in body language or a subtle facial expression or sitting an inch farther away from him on the sofa.

 

Without being defensive or codependent, you need to learn about yourself and what may have changed and ask him to be specific. Like someone else said - don't be defensive when he tells you. You might not be able to keep from crying, but you can control defensive language or body language. Sometimes counselors Can help you learn to listen and not just hear. He might try to tell you but shut down as soon as he senses you closing down in defense.

 

If it is easier, ask him to write it all down for you when he is alone, then you read it when you are alone. That way there is no immediate knee-jerk response from either of you. It sounds trite, but it can actually work.

 

If it is something that he can't get past, you may have to just deal with it and move on. But you'll have that information going forward in your own life so that you can recognize it in your own life and be better able to set your own priorities going forward.

[whatislove]

thanks Gunny. Ur awesome!!!

 

well, he now got me to a point that i don't even want to ...(have sex with him).

 

too much drama. God forbid his feelings are hurt in the process and he feels used or something.

 

I've never had to ask for sex in my life and don't plan on now.

 

And if that makes me an ego maniac (which i really don't think i am), or a narcissist than be it...

 

Dgiirl, I never discredited his feelings or made fun of him. Everyone is entitled to their feelings. I encourage him to talk about them etc. it's just that he never drops anything and after he talks about it and i agree with him and say "i will try harder etc", he's still not happy and feels things are not "resolved". well, it's not a math equation. and i ask him "what resolution do you propose?" he doesn't have a clear cut answer but wants me to come up with a way to fix things. well i'm not a freaking wizard. My only resolution is to take it one day at a time and concentrate on being happy, enjoying ourselves etc. But he can't let go of his "feelings", I said why don't you "try being happy for a change" but he says - what am i supposed to do - fake it?

well i guess so - if you can't be happy genuinely then start by faking it then it becomes you. He doesn't want to or is not able to, hence we go around in circles. mind you he was a very happy, optimistic person before he met me, or so he claims.

 

In any event, i don't think it's lack of empathy on my part... i don't know what it is ... and don't know how to fix it.

 

 

thanks for listening!

[Gunny376]

Like most folks? I've been through my bouts of depression, even been on AD's, (Hated those damn little pills).

 

But at the end of the day? What it comes down to? Is that most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be?

 

Happiness is relative. People living in a hut, sleeping on a dirt floor, eating rice and only rice everyday once a day? They're happy?

 

I work for probally one of the richest men in my state ~ and I've never meet a more miserable SOB in my life!

 

And so yea? Fake it until you make it!

 

Great post HR!

[Zolie]

it's just that he never drops anything and after he talks about it and i agree with him and say "i will try harder etc", he's still not happy and feels things are not "resolved". well, it's not a math equation. and i ask him "what resolution do you propose?" he doesn't have a clear cut answer but wants me to come up with a way to fix things. well i'm not a freaking wizard. My only resolution is to take it one day at a time and concentrate on being happy, enjoying ourselves etc. But he can't let go of his "feelings", I said why don't you "try being happy for a change" but he says - what am i supposed to do - fake it?

 

I SWEAR, this is the most clear-cut case of role reversal I have ever seen! I have never heard a woman complain about these things about her man. But I have heard countless men say those exact things about their woman.

 

Are you sure you are not the man in this relationship, lol? I hate to yield to the stereotypes, but men and women *are* what we are, regardless of how we hate to be pigeon-holed.