is it fair to ask spouse this question?

[annieo]

I'll TRY to make this brief. I was on my h's computer today (to check e-mails) and I checked his history for internet searches. Yes, a little snoopy, but he has lied to me in the past, about a lot of things (e-mail contact with exes, strip club visits, dances he's had at strip clubs) and I was curious. And he also knows, after a major blow out over his lying a year and a bit ago, that I need to know that if I ask him a question, he'll tell me the truth. We are still in the trust-rebuilding phase and he knows it. By the way, he has also checked my history in the past, and I am fine with that. And I am also aware of/ok with him looking at porn/using it occassionally to get off. I understand this, in fact, I've been known to do it myself now and then.

Anyway, I noticed that he had cleared his history, which is unusual for him. As he was sitting across the table, I asked him why. He said no reason. I said, "Oh, come on, what have you been looking at?", all friendly-like, kind of chuckling. Again, he demured that that there it was nothing, but I could tell (as I always can with him) that he wasn't telling me something. So I persisted (because I hate the lying thing, and I don't want him doing it to me) and he finally admitted that he had followed a link to "Beautiful naked girl plays wii". I know, laughable, not a big deal, but then why lie to me about it? He said he was embarassed about it, and that is why he didn't want to tell me. This is also what he has used as an excuse every other time he hasn't told me the truth. Either that, or, "I didn't want to upset you". Now what he doesn't seem to get is that it is the LYING that upsets me. All the things he's done and lied about were not biggies, and he knows this.

So here are my questions all you loveshackers. Am I invading his privacy with this kind of a question? Since it's about computer stuff, which is not an issue for me, should I just mind my own business and not put him on the spot? Or should I be alarmed that once again, he has very easily looked in my face and told me something that wasn't true? I realize that in a way, what I did could seem like baiting, testing him. Am I not fair to do this (very infrequently), under the circumstances? I honestly don't know the answer to this and would appreciate unbiased opinions.

[quankanne]

beautiful nekkid girls playing wii sounds kind of painful!

 

it sounds like your husband still isn't able to separate the idea that you being upset about something he's done and lying about doing something ... maybe if you could explain it in terms of "Yes, it makes me angry/upsets me when you do X, but when you lie about doing X, it really, really pisses me off, because you're refusing to be truthful about things."

 

on the one hand, it does seem like you're baiting him, but then again, you're also trying to re-establish trust, and lying about doing/not doing something doesn't help with the trust issue. So no, I don't think you're invading his privacy, especially if this is a family computer.

[Zolie]

Is there a chance he is giving you the "innocent but embarrassing" excuse to cover up what he was really looking at?

 

In my experience, people don't erase their history unless they don't want someone else to see where they have been on the internet. If a person doing that knows someone will be looking at their history, then they also know they will be asked why they erased the history, so they will come up with a seemingly innocent but embarrassing story for what they were doing, claiming the embarrassment is what made them erase it.

 

I would distrust any spouse of mine who felt the need to cover up what he was doing online. But then, I'm pretty jaded, lol.

[annieo]

beautiful nekkid girls playing wii sounds kind of painful!

 

it sounds like your husband still isn't able to separate the idea that you being upset about something he's done and lying about doing something ... maybe if you could explain it in terms of "Yes, it makes me angry/upsets me when you do X, but when you lie about doing X, it really, really pisses me off, because you're refusing to be truthful about things."

 

on the one hand, it does seem like you're baiting him, but then again, you're also trying to re-establish trust, and lying about doing/not doing something doesn't help with the trust issue. So no, I don't think you're invading his privacy, especially if this is a family computer.

 

The thing is, it wouldn't make me angry that he was looking at a beautiful "nekkid" (love that!) girl playing wii (on the internet, anyway) and he knows it. So why lie? I'm beginning to think that he lies to maintain some sort of distance/autonomy from me, prove he's not whipped or something. He can be, in his own fairly quiet way, a bit of a macho type.

[annieo]

Is there a chance he is giving you the "innocent but embarrassing" excuse to cover up what he was really looking at?

 

In my experience, people don't erase their history unless they don't want someone else to see where they have been on the internet. If a person doing that knows someone will be looking at their history, then they also know they will be asked why they erased the history, so they will come up with a seemingly innocent but embarrassing story for what they were doing, claiming the embarrassment is what made them erase it.

 

I would distrust any spouse of mine who felt the need to cover up what he was doing online. But then, I'm pretty jaded, lol.

 

My suspicions exactly. And unfortunately, largely due to his untrustworthy behavior, I'm getting pretty jaded, too, but I'm not laughing out loud about it.

[quankanne]

methinks the lying/covering up is a hold-over from when he was a kid and didn't want to get in trouble ... Lie and hope Mama buys it this time!

 

"nekkid" … ah, my favorite word, thanks to the Jeff Foxworthy definition.

 

"Naked" is when you don't have any clothes on – "nekkid" is when you don't have any clothes on and you're up to no good!

[Cobra_X30]

Again, he demured that that there it was nothing, but I could tell (as I always can with him) that he wasn't telling me something. So I persisted (because I hate the lying thing, and I don't want him doing it to me) and he finally admitted that he had followed a link to "Beautiful naked girl plays wii". I know, laughable, not a big deal, but then why lie to me about it? He said he was embarassed about it, and that is why he didn't want to tell me.

 

He may feel that he has to lie.

 

You can tell him that it's the lieing that upsets you... but you have to actually prove it before he can believe you.

 

My friend does this with his GF all the time. Why? Because he can't trust her emotionally. He is often unsure how she will react to the truth. So he must decide to fight or lie. Since she can't be trusted emotionally, he chooses to lie.

 

I have not decided if she is emotionally abusive in this way. I know he is always truthful with us... his friends, he just lies to his GF. Also, he is mortified by the thought of losing her respect.

 

Perhaps your H is similar?

[annieo]

methinks the lying/covering up is a hold-over from when he was a kid and didn't want to get in trouble ... Lie and hope Mama buys it this time!

 

"nekkid" … ah, my favorite word, thanks to the Jeff Foxworthy definition.

 

"Naked" is when you don't have any clothes on – "nekkid" is when you don't have any clothes on and you're up to no good!

 

Wow, quankanne, thanks for the insight. You're right, he is a little immature, and he IS scared of his mama. But I don't want to be his mama!!!!

And I will use naked/nekkid in their appropriate contexts from here on in Very funny!

[annieo]

He may feel that he has to lie.

 

You can tell him that it's the lieing that upsets you... but you have to actually prove it before he can believe you.

 

My friend does this with his GF all the time. Why? Because he can't trust her emotionally. He is often unsure how she will react to the truth. So he must decide to fight or lie. Since she can't be trusted emotionally, he chooses to lie.

 

I have not decided if she is emotionally abusive in this way. I know he is always truthful with us... his friends, he just lies to his GF. Also, he is mortified by the thought of losing her respect.

 

Perhaps your H is similar?

 

Cobra, anytime he has just been straight and honest with me, I react calmly, matter of factly or with humour/understanding. As I have stated, I look at porn. I look at other men from time to time. I'm not some perfect, on-a -pedestal version of sainted womanhood. The only times I've really lost it is when I catch him (and I even hate the sound of that expression, "catch him" Why do I have to "catch him"?) in a lie.

Have you ever been lied to, by someone you are supposed to trust implicitly? Over something, or nothing (which is what I consider this latest thing with the nekkid wii girl to be)? How did it feel? I'm curious.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I'll TRY to make this brief. I was on my h's computer today (to check e-mails) and I checked his history for internet searches. Yes, a little snoopy, but he has lied to me in the past, about a lot of things (e-mail contact with exes, strip club visits, dances he's had at strip clubs) and I was curious. And he also knows, after a major blow out over his lying a year and a bit ago, that I need to know that if I ask him a question, he'll tell me the truth. We are still in the trust-rebuilding phase and he knows it. By the way, he has also checked my history in the past, and I am fine with that. And I am also aware of/ok with him looking at porn/using it occassionally to get off. I understand this, in fact, I've been known to do it myself now and then.

Anyway, I noticed that he had cleared his history, which is unusual for him. As he was sitting across the table, I asked him why. He said no reason. I said, "Oh, come on, what have you been looking at?", all friendly-like, kind of chuckling. Again, he demured that that there it was nothing, but I could tell (as I always can with him) that he wasn't telling me something. So I persisted (because I hate the lying thing, and I don't want him doing it to me) and he finally admitted that he had followed a link to "Beautiful naked girl plays wii". I know, laughable, not a big deal, but then why lie to me about it? He said he was embarassed about it, and that is why he didn't want to tell me. This is also what he has used as an excuse every other time he hasn't told me the truth. Either that, or, "I didn't want to upset you". Now what he doesn't seem to get is that it is the LYING that upsets me. All the things he's done and lied about were not biggies, and he knows this.

So here are my questions all you loveshackers. Am I invading his privacy with this kind of a question? Since it's about computer stuff, which is not an issue for me, should I just mind my own business and not put him on the spot? Or should I be alarmed that once again, he has very easily looked in my face and told me something that wasn't true? I realize that in a way, what I did could seem like baiting, testing him. Am I not fair to do this (very infrequently), under the circumstances? I honestly don't know the answer to this and would appreciate unbiased opinions.

1st off maybe next time try breaking your posts up a bit more makes it easer for people to read instead of one huge kinda run on.

 

Now I think there are differences in lies theres the little white ones we tell which isn't so bad they don't hurt others usually. And theres the huge mongo mother lies which do hurt others like cheating or the like example..

 

Lets just say for the sake of argument you were really into sex toys and you kept them in a box in your house some wheres. Now for what ever reason your mother comes over and innocently finds the box.

 

Maybe during helping you clean or something like that she goes to open it with out thinking. You grab it away and say oh thats just some old stuff don't mind it.

 

Now your not being completely truthfull are you? But on the other hand I'm sure you wouldn't want to be showing your mom your latest buzz whiz see what I mean?

 

It was and is an embarrassing subject for him so he hides it. Its kinda natural to a degree its just hard because you guys have had major trust issues in the past.

 

Were he did lie in a really bad hurtful way I say long as its on the pc. And you don't really really suspect hes cheating with another human being.

 

Then back off and give him some space. Are you guys in some marriage counseling? if not then it may be something to consider.

[Art_Critic]

Did you google Beautiful naked girl plays wii ?.. you ought to at least see what he was deleting out of his cache..

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Did you google Beautiful naked girl plays wii ?.. you ought to at least see what he was deleting out of his cache..

The exact wording to the page he was looking at could have been different tho Art.

 

I would hate for her to get to the wrong page and get pi**ed or upset needlessly.

 

But then again how many naked girls are there playing wii what is wii anyways?

[Art_Critic]

The exact wording to the page he was looking at could have been different tho Art.

 

I would hate for her to get to the wrong page and get pi**ed or upset needlessly.

 

But then again how many naked girls are there playing wii what is wii anyways?

 

 

I googled it.. she is playing WII.. but the video I saw had fuzzy areas over the naked parts...

[Cobra_X30]

Cobra, anytime he has just been straight and honest with me, I react calmly, matter of factly or with humour/understanding. As I have stated, I look at porn. I look at other men from time to time. I'm not some perfect, on-a -pedestal version of sainted womanhood. The only times I've really lost it is when I catch him (and I even hate the sound of that expression, "catch him" Why do I have to "catch him"?) in a lie.

Have you ever been lied to, by someone you are supposed to trust implicitly? Over something, or nothing (which is what I consider this latest thing with the nekkid wii girl to be)? How did it feel? I'm curious.

 

I said maybe for a reason.

 

I really don't know what your situation is. You however do!

 

So, I think you need to ask yourself, why does he lie? If you were in his shoes what would make you lie?

[annieo]

Spanks, you're right, I should chunk my text a little. I do tend to go on. Will use your advice in the future.

Last night, h and I had another chat. I can see it from his point of view; it's no big deal, but he felt a little embarrassed and didn't want me to know. I re-explained the lying part is what bugs me, but I also agreed that since I don't really care what he looks at on the computer (short of kiddie porn and hooking up with people online) I'll back off and let him have some privacy. Plus, the airing of differences led to a few hours of fun all over the house. That always seems to make things better:rolleyes:

I did have a look at the naked girl wii site - as I thought, a cute girl with no clothes on playing wii bowling and then lounging on her bed. No big deal.

 

Cobra, sorry if I was a little harsh. I personally can't handle the idea that knowing that your spouse is going to have an unpleasant reaction is a good excuse to lie.

But yes, there are situations where I might keep certain information to myself. If I have a dream about my ex-boyfriend, for example, or have some meaningless but entertaining fantasy about another guy. Generally speaking, though, I really believe that honesty (even if it's inconvenient or going to cause some momentary unpleasantness) is the best policy when it come to a marriage. I TRY to live be that motto.

[Alibi]

Now I think there are differences in lies theres the little white ones we tell which isn't so bad they don't hurt others usually. And theres the huge mongo mother lies which do hurt others like cheating or the like example..

 

Lets just say for the sake of argument you were really into sex toys and you kept them in a box in your house some wheres. Now for what ever reason your mother comes over and innocently finds the box.

 

Maybe during helping you clean or something like that she goes to open it with out thinking. You grab it away and say oh thats just some old stuff don't mind it.

 

Now your not being completely truthfull are you? But on the other hand I'm sure you wouldn't want to be showing your mom your latest buzz whiz see what I mean?

 

.

 

STM-

I dont see the similarity in compairing your mother finding your intimate stash and sparing HER the embarrassment to justifying your SO telling white lies. Im sorry but the last time I checked, A lie was a lie.

Edited January 28, 2008 by Alibi
html added letters

[SpanksTheMonkey]

STM-

I dont see the similarity in compairing your mother finding your intimate stash and sparing HER the embarrassment to justifying your SO telling white lies. Im sorry but the last time I checked, A lie was a lie.

Its the general wanting to hide embarrassing habits that I was trying to convey there mostly.

 

It would be just as much saving your self the embarrassment as mom no? I think life's not always so cut and dry theres many different layers to it.

 

Just like some lies not saying lieing is good in general but its not always done with evil/hurtful entions ether.

[Alibi]

Its the general wanting to hide embarrassing habits that I was trying to convey there mostly.

 

It would be just as much saving your self the embarrassment as mom no? I think life's not always so cut and dry theres many different layers to it.

 

Just like some lies not saying lieing is good in general but its not always done with evil/hurtful entions ether.

When it comes to marrying someone and being married, being cut and dry is the only way to be. Even if its embarrassing, you should know your spouse and your spouse know you. Even if it is painful. A person deserves to know what characteristics his or her lifetime partner is made of. I feel we display those characteristics through our everday life, including on the computer. Not for nothin, but it I think passing abnoxious gas in front of your SO is alot more embarrassing then trying to hide something you and your spouse already agree on and know about eachother. (looking at porn) I think that if he's trying to hide something there is more to it and he's feeling guilty.......why, that I dont know.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I think in this exact situation hes been fairly open thus far telling her he likes porn. So hes not lieing about that.

 

The fact is he doesn't want to openly show her the exact material hes enjoying because its embarrassing to him.

 

And I honestly think thats ok its like the wife writing her inner most private thoughts in a dairy she may tell him she dose this.

 

But I dout shes going to spread the pages out on the kitchen table on a sun morning over coffee for him to see what shes been exactly writing or how shes worded it all.

 

ok porn and diary are maybe a bit different I know but that was again just a comparison there to get my point.

 

I think when 2 people are married they should be open yes but I also think that every one needs there own time and space to them selves as part of a healthy M or R.

 

And to some extent there own privacy Long as what they do in that time and space doesn't hurt or affect the other or the M in a neg hurtful way.

[Never_Sure]

Hello annieo!

 

I would say you have every right to ask your husband about it. I don't think it's right for him to lie to you, regardless of what he was looking at, or how embarrassed he might be about it.

 

Nintendo Wii, huh? It's a fun system, but I didn't know they made porn of it. Interesting.

 

Might I ask how old your husband is? I mean, you said he was a little immature, but I just don't know many older guys who like Nintendo. It's cool though. Just curious.

 

I hope all has since worked out. I mean, you said you both chatted about it. I hope everything has worked itself out?

[SpanksTheMonkey]

.

 

Might I ask how old your husband is? I mean, you said he was a little immature, but I just don't know many older guys who like Nintendo. It's cool though. Just curious.

 

quote]

Ohhhhh its a gaming system in that case I've known lots of guys mostly under 40 tho that are into those kinda games

[blaze]

Wow, quankanne, thanks for the insight. You're right, he is a little immature, and he IS scared of his mama. But I don't want to be his mama!!!!

And I will use naked/nekkid in their appropriate contexts from here on in Very funny!

 

Sorry, but imo, hounding him about why he cleared his history is super maternal. You assumed the position of the interogator and he assumed the position of the criminal. And that's most likely become the dynamic in your marriage. It's quite sad actually.

 

A man shouldn't feel intimidated by his own wife. He shouldn't feel the need to sneak around his own house. Nonetheless, due to his past indiscretions, your husband knows you keep a very close eye on him and he therefore will go about his business in a very discreet manner. He will do this inside the home and he will do it outside the home.

 

The only way your husband's behavior will change is if you change your own. When you stop being the interogator, when begin to show your husband respect, he'll respect you and see you as a wife, not a second mother. Of course, that's just my opinion.

[allina]

Oh please! He knows that she wouldn't be upset about him looking at porn/nudity online, he's lying!

[blaze]

Oh please! He knows that she wouldn't be upset about him looking at porn/nudity online, he's lying!

 

Well, I think you're statement can be pretty fairly categorized as speculation seeing as you don't know him. Personally, I think that rather than having to deal with his wife's reaction, he just hides it from her. He fears his wife, he fears her reaction, so he sneaks.

 

Why does anybody lie? We lie because we fear the outcome if the truth is known. People don't lie for no reason. Lying is a calculated mental process. We weigh the options in our minds and we deduce that it's better to conceal the truth rather than facing the consequences.

 

So, this woman's husband has weighed his options. He's thought about whether he should sneak around or whether he should just admit that he likes to watch nekkid girls play the wii. Obviously he feels it's safer to just sneak.

[allina]

Well, I think you're statement can be pretty fairly categorized as speculation seeing as you don't know him. Personally, I think that rather than having to deal with his wife's reaction, he just hides it from her. He fears his wife, he fears her reaction, so he sneaks.

 

Why does anybody lie? We lie because we fear the outcome if the truth is known. People don't lie for no reason. Lying is a calculated mental process. We weigh the options in our minds and we deduce that it's better to conceal the truth rather than facing the consequences.

 

So, this woman's husband has weighed his options. He's thought about whether he should sneak around or whether he should just admit that he likes to watch nekkid girls play the wii. Obviously he feels it's safer to just sneak.

 

Ok that is your opinion, and mine is that he got caught and "admitted" looking at naked women (something his wife doesn't have a problem with) I think he said that to cover up what he was actually looking at and get her off his back.