is it fair to ask spouse this question?

[JasminT]

If he betrayed you and caused you to lose faith in him, it is reasonable for you to ask questions and get answers until you can trust him again.

 

Based on your post, it doesn't sound like you can trust him and it doesn't sound like he is completely trustworthy (his life is an open book).

 

If you wanted to be extreme and get "proof", you can buy programs now that will retrace keyboard use and tell you which text has been used. I've never used them. On the other hand, do you need "proof" if you know you don't trust him and he obviously is giving you reasons not too?

 

Tough call, but do you want to remain in a stressful, untrustworthy position forever?

 

Jasmin

ps. check out http://themodernwomansdivorceguide.com if you are thinking about divorce.

[annieo]

If he betrayed you and caused you to lose faith in him, it is reasonable for you to ask questions and get answers until you can trust him again.

 

Based on your post, it doesn't sound like you can trust him and it doesn't sound like he is completely trustworthy (his life is an open book).

 

If you wanted to be extreme and get "proof", you can buy programs now that will retrace keyboard use and tell you which text has been used. I've never used them. On the other hand, do you need "proof" if you know you don't trust him and he obviously is giving you reasons not too?

 

Tough call, but do you want to remain in a stressful, untrustworthy position forever?

 

Jasmin

ps. check out http://themodernwomansdivorceguide.com if you are thinking about divorce.

 

Already been down the divorce road, don't want to go that way again unless absolutely necessary. Would wear me out and permanently screw up my kids, who had a hard enough time first time around.

As for getting proof, I'm tempted, but it would be very difficult to get my hands on his computer for long enough to install. Plus, I really hate the idea of turning into that kind of a person.

On the other hand, I detest this feeling of not really knowing.

You're right, it is a stressful position to be in and I bear some considerable resentment towards him for putting me/us here. And I don't have any solutions, except to keep asking when I get that funny feeling and hope that my ability to ferret something out of him will continue. Yuck.

He was away last night (on business, as he was when the strip club debacle happened) but coming home soon, and while I don't want to jump down his throat when he comes through the door, I'm feeling a little angry right now.

[White Flower]

Already been down the divorce road, don't want to go that way again unless absolutely necessary. Would wear me out and permanently screw up my kids, who had a hard enough time first time around.

As for getting proof, I'm tempted, but it would be very difficult to get my hands on his computer for long enough to install. Plus, I really hate the idea of turning into that kind of a person.

On the other hand, I detest this feeling of not really knowing.

You're right, it is a stressful position to be in and I bear some considerable resentment towards him for putting me/us here. And I don't have any solutions, except to keep asking when I get that funny feeling and hope that my ability to ferret something out of him will continue. Yuck.

He was away last night (on business, as he was when the strip club debacle happened) but coming home soon, and while I don't want to jump down his throat when he comes through the door, I'm feeling a little angry right now.

I'm going to PM you Annieo

[White Flower]

I guess you don't have PMs Annieo. When you get them, please let me know. Thanks.

[Mr. Lucky]

As for getting proof, I'm tempted, but it would be very difficult to get my hands on his computer for long enough to install. Plus, I really hate the idea of turning into that kind of a person.

But you're already checking his browser history ? What's that old poker expression, "in for a nickel, might as well be in for a dime" ?

 

I think, considering the circumstances, you have a right to know...

 

Mr. Lucky

[annieo]

WF how do you get PM rights? I haven't a clue. Any help would be appreciated, as I am a moron about this stuff. Why do you think I don't have an avatar?

 

Mr. Lucky, I know I have a right, but I just don't think I can muster the energy to do serious investigative work. Maybe I just don't care enough, I don't want to turn into "that kind of wife". I mean, my pride would take a hit just from the intensive snooping. Plus, I'm probably a little afraid of what I find out.

 

I have decided that if I ever catch him in anything serious (ea, pa, lying about lap dances/strip clubs/dating sites) he is in for some serious payback. Sad, vengeful, but true. I've been flirted with, I have a couple of good friendships with men that are platonic, but might not be if I was free. I've been a good girl up to now, very aboveboard, but if he screws me over again, I'm going to lower my standards and do a little extramarital exploring myself. Knowing his jealous potential, it'll hit him in his soft spot.

[White Flower]

WF how do you get PM rights? I haven't a clue. Any help would be appreciated, as I am a moron about this stuff. Why do you think I don't have an avatar?

 

I think you need to have 500 posts or more. Just go and put a smiley face on everyone's threads:p until you have enough!

[annieo]

Thanks again :)

Hope all is well with you.

[White Flower]

You're welcome, hon. Come to my thread and post a few happy faces:)

 

I'll post more on my condition over there.

[Lionblade]

Is there a chance he is giving you the "innocent but embarrassing" excuse to cover up what he was really looking at?

 

In my experience, people don't erase their history unless they don't want someone else to see where they have been on the internet. If a person doing that knows someone will be looking at their history, then they also know they will be asked why they erased the history, so they will come up with a seemingly innocent but embarrassing story for what they were doing, claiming the embarrassment is what made them erase it.

 

I would distrust any spouse of mine who felt the need to cover up what he was doing online. But then, I'm pretty jaded, lol.

 

Wow. Where's the sense of privacy? Everyone needs their own space even in a relationship. A lot of people have anti-virus/spyware programs that automatically "clean" up their computer including the persons history so that could be it anyways.

[annieo]

Wow. Where's the sense of privacy? Everyone needs their own space even in a relationship. A lot of people have anti-virus/spyware programs that automatically "clean" up their computer including the persons history so that could be it anyways.

 

Exactly. One of the reasons I won't bother. And I agree with you about space. I haven't asked any probing questions since the one I mentioned on my OP. Can't always know everything, wouldn't want to, but there are some limits. I know what mine are.

[Tomcat33]

Wow. Where's the sense of privacy? Everyone needs their own space even in a relationship. A lot of people have anti-virus/spyware programs that automatically "clean" up their computer including the persons history so that could be it anyways.

 

 

Hmmm I haven't heard of spyware and virus cleaners that clean your memory as well, there are special programs that wipe the last pages visited clean, I would be HIGHLY suspiscious of someone who needs to use that every time he goes online, while living with me. For goodness sakes, what ever are you looking at that you need to have all your tracks erased after you are done with your surfing? I would be very suspiscious, but that's just me.

 

I think Mr. Lucky is right, why stop there just get a key logger or something like e-blaster which tracks his movement. I think his actions move you enough to want to figure out what he is up to so figure it out.

 

I will say this though, sometimes men lie about little things because they know that by telling the truth it will only cause a fight so they feel their "little" white lies are innocuous and for the better of "everyone" and we women just want the truth at all costs..

 

I find this whole thing about "honesty" in a relationship can be a slippery slope into no man's land, exactly how many white lies are ok before the white lie becomes the norm, and exactly how much trust does a person that constantly tells white lies deserve? Privacy and the invasion of, is a touchy thing.

[whichwayisup]

annieo, you've been on LS since April 2007 and have over 200 posts. Check your profile and see if you can enable your PM's. If not, then keep posting and hopefully that option will be available soon.

[annieo]

Will do, whichwayisup. And tomcat, I think you are absolutely right that my h has told lies to avoid blow ups. Some lies over non-issues, and some blacker lies.

As I mentioned, he has a laptop, so I do not ever have access to it without him around, so I don't know how to install anything without his knowledge. Would love to be able to read his mind, though. I'm working on that one.

[Florida]

Woaaaah Nelly, all this over one incident over a cleared history?

Or was this a pattern emerging?

 

I didn't read all the responses, and I completely agree with Tomcat , but unless I missed something more than just one time- let's not jump the gun too early here.

 

This could be residual anger over the last leaving out of details incident. Or...to put it another way:just 'cuz someone don't tell, doesn't mean there wasn't a lie.

 

BUT, this seems a bit extreme to jump to conclusions, then again, maybe not?

 

For example, I've cleared my internet history after going on LS. I started noticing my BF was clearing his history after using my computer. Red flags went up, I asked him why, he said it was because I did it too, and what's good for me is good for him.

 

So I stopped clearing my history, and he stopped too.

 

AnnieO-have you never cleared your history for some inane reason or another?

 

I'm just worried you are jumping the gun , getting all your defenses lined up.

 

Mr Lucky had a point too, if you are going there-why not continue further instead of worrying?

 

Check the cookies. The cookies is a cache of a lot of sites visted. It isn't foolproof, some other sites can sneak in too. You have to look around a bit to find it, but you will see it as an option no matter what sytem you have. Just make sure your browser window is open. but a look through will let you see what sites have been hit. It tends to store porn sites more than any other sites.

Edited February 15, 2008 by Florida

[annieo]

Not a first time thing at all. Original blow up was over my husband lying about visits to strip clubs/getting private dances, which took place over a weekend from hell, with him denying, denying, then slowly, piece by piece, admitting. He has also lied about e-mail contact with a former girlfriend (he sent her a lovely Christmas card with a scanned drawing that he had done for her when they were together, lied about his whereabouts with a female friend/colleague (who he was supposedly going out for coffee with post work, while I was out of town, and he ended up going out to a nifty bar). God only knows what else. I have my doubts now, obviously.

And yes I've cleared my history. That wasn't the issue. If I ask him a question (or if he asks me a question) I think we both deserve a straight answer.

[Lonely Husband]

put the guy at ease, tell him that you love him and that you dont mind him looking at women on the internet. explain to him that you understand that men cant help themselves it is genetically what you have to do.