Why are Americans so hell bent on saving their marriages?

[IpAncA]

Marlena, sounds like you had a bad experience.

 

Some marriages believe it or not are WORTH saving and just because some don't see it that way, doesn't mean it's pointless or worthless to others.

[marlena]

In short, Europeans are more accepting of the idea that M doesn't have to involve romance.

 

Allow me to disagree. Europeans are very passionate about love and romance.

The French even invented it, not to mention the Italians!! HOT!!!

[marlena]

so yeah, I guess that shows that we're serious about marriage over here, and will do what we must to preserve it

 

At whatever cost? Even if you hate the person you are shackled to because of religious restrictions?

 

Sorry but I can't adhere to this concept!

[OpenBook]

I agree that happens a lot in today's society. Heck, I admit I said that very thing to myself, when I got cold feet the week before the wedding. We were already having frequency of sex issues, and I wondered if I was not making a mistake marrying a man whose libido was vastly lower than mine. But, by then the invitations were sent, the money was spent, and the rolling ball couldn't be stopped. So, I soothed my worries by telling myself marriage did not mean I would be chained to him forever, and divorce was an option if things proved to be too unpleasant. Unfortunately it took me 25 years to actually exercise that option. Oh well...

 

Just think, you had the perfect opportunity to pull a "Runaway Bride" and make all the headlines! When I saw those stories, I immediately felt great sympathy for the bride-to-not-be. So much pressure that she felt there was no other way to "stop the rolling ball." I myself regret that I did not listen to my gut instinct before I got married. But then, I wouldn't have had my daughter. I just hope she doesn't make the same stupid mistakes that I did... and even if she does, I hope it's not due to outside pressure.

 

I do think we all get married too quickly and too young. Once upon a time the reason to do that was to be able to have sex. But with pre-marital sex being acceptable these days, I don't know why young people get married too soon.

 

Actually - now that I think about it, the young people in my neck of the woods aren't getting married! My daughter's contemporaries are in their mid 20s and they are all dating, cohabiting, having children, etc, but they aren't marrying. The young people at work are doing the same thing.

 

My daughter's explanation for herself is that she doesn't want to make a mistake, she wants to be very sure before she commits to marrying a man for life. And thank God she thinks that way - because she has dated some real doozies, and I would have hated to see her married to any of them!

 

Yes, the younger generation isn't buying into our society's idealistic view of M, the way we did. And Thank God for that, I say!

[marlena]

If the attitude toward marriage over there is different, and people are more cautious about marriage, it goes to say that the divorce rate is much lower.

 

Where is "over there?" I don't understand.

 

People in Europe are just as much into dating and freely choosing their partners as you are in the US. I am talking about Europe - the cradle of civilization and not Saudi Arabia or Pakistan for goodness' sake!!!

 

They are not at all cautious about dating! Nor about divorcing if one partner should want out! The Scandinavian countries set the best example as far as civilised divorces are concerned.

 

Sheesh! Have you ever even visited Europe?

[marlena]

I agree that happens a lot in today's society. Heck, I admit I said that very thing to myself, when I got cold feet the week before the wedding. We were already having frequency of sex issues, and I wondered if I was not making a mistake marrying a man whose libido was vastly lower than mine. But, by then the invitations were sent, the money was spent, and the rolling ball couldn't be stopped. So, I soothed my worries by telling myself marriage did not mean I would be chained to him forever, and divorce was an option if things proved to be too unpleasant. Unfortunately it took me 25 years to actually exercise that option. Oh well...

 

I do think we all get married too quickly and too young. Once upon a time the reason to do that was to be able to have sex. But with pre-marital sex being acceptable these days, I don't know why young people get married too soon.

 

Actually - now that I think about it, the young people in my neck of the woods aren't getting married! My daughter's contemporaries are in their mid 20s and they are all dating, cohabiting, having children, etc, but they aren't marrying. The young people at work are doing the same thing.

 

My daughter's explanation for herself is that she doesn't want to make a mistake, she wants to be very sure before she commits to marrying a man for life. And thank God she thinks that way - because she has dated some real doozies, and I would have hated to see her married to any of them!

 

Same here!!! On all points!!

[Trialbyfire]

why do people in America always insist on "working on the marriage, get counseling, stay away from affairs" and on and on and on...

Why not just dissolve the institution of marriage? There's no purpose to taking vows if you're not going to abide by them.

 

I see no reason to persuade people to remain in a marriage, unless it appears that they want to stay.

 

As for infidelity, why would anyone be in any committed relationship, if they can't keep to exclusivity. We all make choices in life. Either go the mile or walk away. Thinking with your crotch isn't the most intelligent way to lead your life.

[marlena]

You are right though, that it would be better if things were civilized. I like to think that if a partner of mine no longer wanted me, I could walk away in a dignified manner, knowing that I couldn't make them love me even though I still loved them. But, emotions don't always allow for that kind of rationale

 

My way of thinking exactly!! No, emotions do not always allow for this kind of rationale but anyone with a touch of class and cultural refinement will fairly quickly reach the conclusion that no onw should be kept under home detention! LOL!!

[Art_Critic]

No, emotions do not always allow for this kind of rationale

 

Then throw in some kids, a home ..maybe a bunch of assets that both parties want and debt that neither want and you have the makings for a complex situation that can explode is seconds because of it's fluid nature...

[marlena]

As for marriage counseling I don't know if I trust anybody that gets paid to pretend they care and that goes for any type of counseling.

 

Ah, Woggle, you rule!!!

I agree, stick it out for a reasonable amount of time. Not beyond that!! After all, when all is said and done, it does take two to tango!

 

And if, sadly enough, the other partner refuses to tango, well, time to let it go. Don't need counseling to understand such basic human behaviours.

[nittygritty]

Make sure there is a 50/50 even split on parental responsibilities too.

 

Or is that even a factor to consider anymore?

[marlena]

I myself regret that I did not listen to my gut instinct before I got married. But then, I wouldn't have had my daughter. I just hope she doesn't make the same stupid mistakes that I did... and even if she does, I hope it's not due to outside pressure.

 

 

Ah, dear Open Book! Are you sure your name is not Marlena?

[Zolie]

Just think, you had the perfect opportunity to pull a "Runaway Bride" and make all the headlines! When I saw those stories, I immediately felt great sympathy for the bride-to-not-be. So much pressure that she felt there was no other way to "stop the rolling ball."

 

LOL, yes, I guess I did. At the time, though, I thought I could *never* face my extended family, if I canceled. I thought the same thing for years while I remained in an empty marriage. When I finally announced my intentions to divorce, I was amazed that no one threw darts at me, lol. Mostly, they just accepted that I was doing what *I* needed to do for myself. Even the older ones who are all still married (in what I consider farce marriages) all supported me. Only one aunt wrote to me to beg me to rethink it. I was shocked that she would do that, because she had absolutely no idea what kind of marriage I had, or why I was leaving. But, to her, marriage is the end all be all and should be salvaged at whatever cost. Well, the cost to my soul was too steep for me to stay married just to satisfy some vows I uttered 25 years earlier.

 

I myself regret that I did not listen to my gut instinct before I got married. But then, I wouldn't have had my daughter.

I just hope she doesn't make the same stupid mistakes that I did... and even if she does, I hope it's not due to outside pressure.

 

I say the same thing about my daughter having my grandson. I hated, Hated, HATED the man she was with 2 years ago when she got pregnant. I was furious with her for not using BC. But, if she had, I wouldn't have the most wonderful baby grandson ever!

 

I am deeply thankful she didn't marry the father, though. One of my seriously religious friends thought my daughter should get married right away when we found out she was pregnant. I was floored! Having a child out of wedlock was more egregious to her than marrying a lousy Loser would be! Sheesh...

 

I just hope she doesn't make the same stupid mistakes that I did... and even if she does, I hope it's not due to outside pressure.

 

You can do what my aunt did. She told my cousin the night before her wedding that she didn't care how much the wedding had cost, if my cousin was having second thoughts, my aunt would support her if she decided to cancel. Of course, my cousin got married anyway, and was divorced 2 years later, lol, but that was 28 years ago, and things have changed nowadays, thank goodness.

[marlena]

Make sure there is a 50/50 even split on parental responsibilities too.

 

Or is that even a factor to consider anymore

 

The number one factor to consider!

 

But, let's be honest now!!! Just because a marriage is still valid on paper does not necessarily mean that parental responsibilty is being undertaken!

[Lovelybird]

The beginning attraction and romantic are like a door, a door lead to maturity and deeper love, and a door lead to perfect love--God. But if people think the romantic in the very beginning very eaisly FELT is ALL they should pursue, they miss out important thing here I think. So they go after the 'romantic' one after another, it is like they open the door one after another, and don't even go into those doors to find out what is in them. I think people who stick with their marriage, and work through thick and thin can find out what is in those doors. they not only find physical unity but also find out spiritual unity with each other. maybe the spiritual unity is also those who seek only romance want, but never find out, only they realize frustration after frustration because they never pass the first diffculty appeared on the road to true spiritual unity.

 

well, it takes two tango, if one don't want to work, what can you do? find one who want to work out those difficulties. For me, so problem here about "why people stick to their marriage?' would change to "how do I find one who has the same value who understand the 'through thick and thin'

Edited January 27, 2008 by Lovelybird

[marlena]

I say the same thing about my daughter having my grandson. I hated, Hated, HATED the man she was with 2 years ago when she got pregnant. I was furious with her for not using BC. But, if she had, I wouldn't have the most wonderful baby grandson ever!

 

And if I hadn't married who I did, I would not have had my amazing daughter!

 

Zolie, you and Open Book, could be my alter-egoes!

[Zolie]

Zolie, you and Open Book, could be my alter-egoes!

 

Isn't it amazing to find people all over the world who think the same way we think? God love the internet, lol.

[Meaplus3]

You won't like what I think, but here goes. I think that even with the high rate of divorce, people in general still believe in marriage and hope for the ideal outcome. It is against a lot of value systems to think of marriage as anything other than what God intended it to be, even if we jacked upped humans continue to mess up his plan. As long as their is faith in something bigger than ourselves, people will continue to try for the ideal and have hope that one day it will be the norm.

 

Well said Bent!

 

AP:)

[Woggle]

Religion has nothing to do with why I value my marriage. It's a messed up world out there and it is good to have somebody in your corner that has your back and you have theirs plus we have great sex and she is somebody I genuinely do enjoy hanging out with. I also look at the other women out there and it makes my situation look much better. If you find a diamond in a huge pile full of crap it is not a good idea to throw away that diamond in the hope that I will find an even bigger diamond because chances are I will just find more crap.

[Lovelybird]

sorry, if European is like what you said, aren't they too easily give into their own whim and selfish physical needs? the beginning stage is more about chemical than real love which need to sacrifice

[OpenBook]

Isn't it amazing to find people all over the world who think the same way we think? God love the internet, lol.

 

I'm hoping there are a lot more of us out there (who think along these same lines, believe the same things) than we realize. It gets kinda lonely in here sometimes.:D

[marlena]

well, it takes two tango, if one don't want to work, what can you do? find one who want to work out those difficulties. For me, so problem here about "why people stick to their marriage?' would change to "how do I find one who has the same value who understand the 'through thick and thin'

 

Lovelybird,

 

I understand what you are saying but how "thick and thin" can "thick and thin" be?

 

People change. Life and the years change them. We are not at 50 who we were at 25, let's say.

 

For the sake of argument, let's say that the man/woman you married at 25 was kind and generous and loving and yes you shared the same values.

 

But at 30 years down the road, this man/woman has turned into a stranger who has no resemblance at all to the person you married. He/she, to cite an example, has become abusive on all levels.

 

Or, not to go such extremities, you not only cease to have feelings of love for that person but you actually despise him/her! This, right or wrong, is the way you feel.

 

What do you do?

 

Stick it out because you married 25 years ago?

 

Do you decide to live a wasted life of misery because this is what is expected of you?

Edited January 27, 2008 by marlena

[quankanne]

As long as their is faith in something bigger than ourselves, people will continue to try for the ideal and have hope that one day it will be the norm.

 

this is precisely why we stay, why we fight through those not so great times: Because we have faith our marriages are worth it.

 

I realize there are bad marriages that should have never taken place because of incompatibility and abuse, but there are also instances where the one person (or both) in the couple is just too damned lazy to think past "me" and be willing to work on "us." And this is far more common in my opinion than abuse or true incompatibility.

 

time and again, I've told friends that you can reach your absolute lowest point and have feelings of rebellion toward your spouse, that you even may think chucking it all in, when he or she does something to renew your faith in your marriage and make you strive harder to make it work.

[marlena]

Thinking with your crotch isn't the most intelligent way to lead your life.

 

TBF, with all due respect, not all people think with their crotches or c****. Some feelings originate from the heart with or without a marriage certificate.

[marlena]

Religion has nothing to do with why I value my marriage.

 

Understood!