Why are Americans so hell bent on saving their marriages?

[a4a]

Please don't bring infidelity into the picture. I did not have this in mind when I started the thread. Not all marriages go down the tubes because of infidelity. There are numerous reasons that people are very unhappy in marriages. Incompatability to cite just one example.

 

Quite true and I see no reason to force those people that want a divorce to wait for 1 year to do so. Nor should they have to go through the expense. Hell I can disolve my company with a simply form letter.... divorce should be the same. 30 days or less.

 

I know many people that have been "victims" of affairs that are forced by the govt to remain in a M.

[a4a]

[/b]

 

 

I haven't read this entire long thread but I do agree with you Zolie. Where exactly in the Bible does it say you should be married? I think people stay married because they don't want to lose their "stuff". That is a sorry reason to stay with anyone. When I hear of someone who is cheating on their spouse or whose spouse is cheating on them, I always suggest that they divorce and move on. Life is just too dang short to be unhappy. My grandparents were married forever also, but my grandma didn't have many choices in her generation as women do today. Women had to depend on their husbands for their financial support and now we can take care of ourselves.

 

Now that depends on what your STUFF is....... I am in that boat now.

[Woggle]

After reading this thread I am thinking more and more that maybe I need to get out of my marriage. God knows what my wife really thinks of me if this is any indication of how women really feel.

[stillafool]

And not universally true. My wife was one of the original 60s bra-burning feminists. She'll be the first to tell you that Gloria Steinem and her ilk took what feminism was originally about and turned it into something ugly and aberrated.

 

My wife left her former husband when their daughters were 18 months and just turned four. She arrived back in California with the girls, two suitcases and $10 in her pocket. When she filed for divorce she asked for $200 a month for the two girls. That's it. The court insisted she get some child support so she asked for the bare minimum knowing he'd never pay it anyway. He didn't.

 

I contrast that to the non-feminist ex SAHM I was married to who ended up with $1,250 a month in child support for our two daughters, $600 a month in spousal support and wanted more, more, more. Plus she had a fully employed boyfriend she met seven months before we separated living with her and the girls.

 

One size does NOT fit all, Woggle. I thought you finally got that. My mistake. I was wrong!

 

 

Love this story. Same thing with my exMIL. She had 3 little boys when she divorced her h in Chicago. She moved to California with $1,000 in her pocket. She got a job, went back to school, bought herself a home, put all 3 kids through college and is still single and happy as can be.

[a4a]

After reading this thread I am thinking more and more that maybe I need to get out of my marriage. God knows what my wife really thinks of me if this is any indication of how women really feel.

 

Woggle where is there anything being said "mean" about men?

 

Honestly you probably should not have gotten married. Trust is a huge part of M. You lack that.

[marlena]

The thoght that inspired my thread was this. Why do Americans have such a hard time with divorce? They continue to drag out a bad situation with a tenacity that often leads to drama, abuse, bitterness, hatred and resentment. They spend money and time on months/years of counseling, private detectives, shrinks and often resort to medication. Most divorce in the end anyway considering the statistics of the divorce rate in the States.

 

In Europe, most people work on a failing marriage up to a cetain point. They give it their best try and it doesn't work out, they simply divorce in as civil a way as possible. In my country, the divorce rate is comparatively low compared to the U.S.

 

I was just curious to know why this happens in the U.S.

[Kasan]

people are fighting for their marriages and the reasons why.

 

http:///scholar.lib.vt.edu/VA-news/VA-Pilot/issues/1995/vp950207/02070030.htm

 

Are these reasons to work so hard to save a marriage always valid?

[Woggle]

Woggle where is there anything being said "mean" about men?

 

Honestly you probably should not have gotten married. Trust is a huge part of M. You lack that.

 

It seems that every married woman is secretly unhappy and secretly resents her husband so why should my wife be any different? It's just a matter of time before she leaves me so why not get it over with.

[Frances]

Please don't bring infidelity into the picture. I did not have this in mind when I started the thread. Not all marriages go down the tubes because of infidelity. There are numerous reasons that people are very unhappy in marriages. Incompatability to cite just one example.

 

 

The reason for a lot of marriage break down is due to unreasonable people. Lack of communication is the biggest one. It's not that people do not talk to each other but that they do not listen to each other.

[a4a]

The thoght that inspired my thread was this. Why do Americans have such a hard time with divorce? They continue to drag out a bad situation with a tenacity that often leads to drama, abuse, bitterness, hatred and resentment. They spend money and time on months/years of counseling, private detectives, shrinks and often resort to medication. Most divorce in the end anyway considering the statistics of the divorce rate in the States.

 

In Europe, most people work on a failing marriage up to a cetain point. They give it their best try and it doesn't work out, they simply divorce in as civil a way as possible. In my country, the divorce rate is comparatively low compared to the U.S.

 

I was just curious to know why this happens in the U.S.

 

 

In this state I live in you are forced to remain in the M for 1 year after separation... ! friggin' year. I am an adult and I know if I want a divorce or not. So for a year I got a STBX draggin' on my heels, issues, blah blah blah.

 

Some force counseling...... stupid stupid. You should have to go to a co-parenting class if you have kids, but you should not have to wait to get a D IMHO.

[Art_Critic]

After reading this thread I am thinking more and more that maybe I need to get out of my marriage. God knows what my wife really thinks of me if this is any indication of how women really feel.

 

Are you really that wishy washy that reading a thread on here would cause you to consider dumping your wife and getting out of your marriage ?..

 

You are always talking about how well things are going for your both

[Woggle]

Are you really that wishy washy that reading a thread on here would cause you to consider dumping your wife and getting out of your marriage ?..

 

You are always talking about how well things are going for your both

 

I think they are going well and then I read stuff like this. Your wife will eventually turn on you as well so be prepared.

[a4a]

It seems that every married woman is secretly unhappy and secretly resents her husband so why should my wife be any different? It's just a matter of time before she leaves me so why not get it over with.

 

Who is secretly unhappy? Show an example.

 

Why are you so afraid of her leaving you... Did you not live alone before? Can you not cook or keep a job?

 

Or are you thinking of your own mothers rejection of you?

 

Or are you just afraid of being made to look like a ass?

[a4a]

I think they are going well and then I read stuff like this. Your wife will eventually turn on you as well so be prepared.

 

Where is anyone secretly turning on a spouse here?

 

Where is the "surprise"....... I had no clue why she left..... Most people men or women who say - "everything seemed perfect, then they just left"... those are the people that never paid attention to their M's.

[Woggle]

Who is secretly unhappy? Show an example.

 

Why are you so afraid of her leaving you... Did you not live alone before? Can you not cook or keep a job?

 

Or are you thinking of your own mothers rejection of you?

 

Or are you just afraid of being made to look like a ass?

 

I am afraid of having my heart broken and with the way women seem to think that is more likely than not.

[Art_Critic]

Your wife will eventually turn on you as well so be prepared.

 

Nah... she won't turn on me..

 

While it is true that there are no guarantees that it will make it " Forever " I'm more than willing to risk it.. I love my wife..

 

We never know what the future holds for us..

[Art_Critic]

I am afraid of having my heart broken

 

We all are.. male and female alike...

[Frances]

People will just shack up then.

 

Which is fine.

I don't see anything wrong with bailing on a M if there are no kids involved and they will not suffer from it.

 

There is nothing wrong with taking your best shot and saying "hey I did my best, but it will not work".

 

Not sure how Vows are involved. Those are words. Words don't mean much to me, Actions do.

 

I think divorce should be much easier. You get what you came in with and 50% of the joint assets------ 30 days or less.

 

Think about the stress, loss of productivity, anger, bitterness, physical toll a long drawn out divorce takes on people. That in IMHO is ridiculous.

 

Prevention is better than cure in most cases

 

Would it not be better if a large number of the marriages did not take place and with longer notice of intent to marry and pre marriage courses would help.

 

If people realize it will be difficult to divorce it may make them think before marriage.

 

In where this is the case in some countries, the divorce rate is much lower than in the USA.

[a4a]

We all are.. male and female alike...

 

quite true. but if it does happen some of us that have spent a bit more time on the planet know it is not the end of the world. Sad perhaps, but we will go on..... just like before when it happened.

 

I mean come on ..... don't you all remember your first big break up?

 

oh goodness that was the end wasn't it?

 

Some how we survived.

[a4a]

Prevention is better than cure in most cases

 

Would it not be better if a large number of the marriages did not take place and with longer notice of intent to marry and pre marriage courses would help.

 

If people realize it will be difficult to divorce it may make them think before marriage.

 

In where this is the case in some countries, the divorce rate is much lower than in the USA.

 

Like I said people would just shack up then...... which I am not against.

 

But property contracts, health contracts, would need to be drawn up then.

M is easier as it covers these issues.

[marlena]

Are you overly sensitive about cheating for some reason?

 

You brought it up first, dear. It wasn't even on my mind.

 

My thread has nothing to do with cheating. It's about a trend I've noticed in the States that has to do with increasingly more people deciding to stay in unhappy marriages.

[Woggle]

I have things that I want to accomplish and I don't want to waste my time on a marriage that will eventually blow up in my face. I don't want to go home to a woman that seretky resents me and it seems that all married women resent their husbands either openly or in private so why not just end this marriage.

[Art_Critic]

Are you overly sensitive about cheating for some reason?

 

Can a person really be overly sensitive to cheating ?..

I don't think so...

 

If believe that then you would have to believe that cheating is tolerable and in my world it is not...

[BetrayedMM]

Where is anyone secretly turning on a spouse here?

 

Right here. Me. I don't feel good about that. I feel like a hypocrite.

 

Read that article Kasan posted. Some of that also applies to me, and I hadn't thought of it that way. Interesting.

[stillafool]

Why don't parents tell their children that both of you will always love them and nothing in this world could ever change that. That they are your flesh and blood and you love them no matter what. That even if Daddy and Mommy stop loving each other, neither of you could ever stop loving them.

 

Children of the couples I know who have explained this to them seem to have an easier time coping. That is why it is so important to not involve your kids in your marital problems. They will think it is their fault and people need to explain to them it has absolutely nothing to do with them.