Why are Americans so hell bent on saving their marriages?

[a4a]

I have things that I want to accomplish and I don't want to waste my time on a marriage that will eventually blow up in my face. I don't want to go home to a woman that seretky resents me and it seems that all married women resent their husbands either openly or in private so why not just end this marriage.

 

You are right woggle, perhaps you can get your wife some truth serum and inject her each Thursday night and ask her if she is secretly resenting you.

 

Funny thing is though.... you are the "secret dumper" not her. You are the one secretly posting about how you don't trust her. You are the nightmare you fear.

 

Your poor wife has no clue that you have constant thoughts of leaving her.

 

Perhaps you should confront her with your thoughts?

 

I am starting to think your wife is either naieve or a saint.

[marlena]

I have things that I want to accomplish and I don't want to waste my time on a marriage that will eventually blow up in my face. I don't want to go home to a woman that seretky resents me and it seems that all married women resent their husbands either openly or in private so why not just end this marriage.

 

Woggle,

 

STOP right here. Stop lumping eveything together. Why do you think so negatively? Ever hear of fulfulling a self-prophecy? That's what you are doing. Stop thinking like this otherwise you will surely bring it down upon yourself.

 

Be happy you are with someone you love NOW! Let tomorrow take care of itself!

Edited January 28, 2008 by marlena

[Woggle]

After seeing how many women feel can you really blame a man for being worried? Can you understand how I don't want to wake up one day and have my wife turn on me? It seems like every married woman hates her husband's guts so how did I magically manage tgo marry the one woman that doesn't?

[Frances]

I have things that I want to accomplish and I don't want to waste my time on a marriage that will eventually blow up in my face. I don't want to go home to a woman that seretky resents me and it seems that all married women resent their husbands either openly or in private so why not just end this marriage.

 

 

Most wives do not resent their husbands. Most likely a large % of women who write on boards do. The majority of women do not come on these boards.

 

Woggle do you communicate with your wife? Do you really listen when she talks or do you just nod and put in a yes here and there. You will find out what your wife thinks of you if you bother to take notice of her.

[a4a]

After seeing how many women feel can you really blame a man for being worried? Can you understand how I don't want to wake up one day and have my wife turn on me? It seems like every married woman hates her husband's guts so how did I magically manage tgo marry the one woman that doesn't?

 

If you wake up one day and your wife hates you for no good reason....... then she is psycho. Usually there is a good reason people are not happy in a M. Not just because they have a vagina.

 

Got news a fine example of ruining your M and making your W resent you was your Bitter Buddy situation. That is a fine fine example of how neglecting your partners feelings, disregard, and disrespect can ruin a marriage (cause a partner to wake up and pack). But see really people don't see where they contribute to the demise of a M. They justify it with - they just left. Which is actually quite rare in a serious R or M. - note this applies to males and females...... and gay or bi, or trannies.

[a4a]

You certainly took exception to it being used as one of my examples. Interesting.

 

And I was responding to the question. Part of that required an explanation of why I feel R's are failing at such a rapid rate. Selfishness. Often, that trait is discovered by a betrayed spouse of a cheater. Other selfishness comes in the form of just wanting everything for yourself and not thinking of others. It was a rational part of this discussion and you jumped all over the term "cheating" for some reason when it is clearly one of the reasons people have R problems.

 

ok so if you are cheated on don't you think you should have the right to disolve the M immediatley? Why does it seem that society expects you to draw it out, beat the dead horse?

[Frances]

Like I said people would just shack up then...... which I am not against.

 

But property contracts, health contracts, would need to be drawn up then.

M is easier as it covers these issues.

 

Why should contracts be drawn up as the couples shacking up are not making a commitment.

 

 

So people go into marriage because it is so easy to do. I still say Marriage should be harder to go into so that people think about what they are doing.

[marlena]

I agree. I think the downfall of a marriage is long in the making. It doesn't happen over night. Most people just refuse to listen to their partner. Communication breaks down and then the inevitable happens.

[lindya]

After reading this thread I am thinking more and more that maybe I need to get out of my marriage. God knows what my wife really thinks of me if this is any indication of how women really feel.

 

Through sickness and in health, through good times and bad. Isn't it funny how words like that, spoken to someone you love, suddenly become so utterly unimportant and meaningless in the face of a few random strangers' opinions?

 

If you aren't emotionally equipped to handle marriage, you could at least try to have enough maturity to take personal responsibility for that instead of blaming it on society, your mother, feminism and your wife being the "wrong" gender.

[marlena]

You certainly took exception to it being used as one of my examples. Interesting.

 

 

I did not want to reduce the thread to an infidelity discussion. That's all.

My question was: Why do people still hang onto a bad marriage? Nothing to do with cheating. Just wanted to keep you on topic as Tony would say.

[Woggle]

Through sickness and in health, through good times and bad. Isn't it funny how words like that, spoken to someone you love, suddenly become so utterly unimportant and meaningless in the face of a few random strangers' opinions?

 

If you aren't emotionally equipped to handle marriage, you could at least try to have enough maturity to take personal responsibility for that instead of blaming it on society, your mother, feminism and your wife being the "wrong" gender.

 

If I knew my wife meant that as well I would stick by her but show me another woman that is happy with her husband and I will believe my wife is happy with me.

[a4a]

[/b]Why should contracts be drawn up as the couples shacking up are not making a commitment.

 

 

So people go into marriage because it is so easy to do. I still say Marriage should be harder to go into so that people think about what they are doing.

 

If you share your life and share assets, earnings, expenses or for that matter chip in on a sofa a contract of who gets what is important in case you go your separate ways. Many unmarried couples now buy homes together. You do not have rights such as in emergency situations for health care decsions unless married. You need a medical POA to do that.

 

And who says unmarried couples are not committed? A piece of paper says that?

 

I believe M should be left up to the individuals in that M. Not regulated to be easier or harder - not governed by the state.

 

A private contract between two adult citizens.

[BetrayedMM]

Woggle, although I do agree with many of your views(why is it that full equality is certainly not enough for instance), try to understand that women with nothing to complain about don't have any reason to speak up. So, the result is that we only get to hear the negative stuff. When people vent, you hear the worst. Hell, they may not even actually mean every word, just blowing off steam. These things do not represent all of womanhood, and this is a place where people vent. Don't let that fool you into thinking all women are evil. They're not.

 

Jesus, did I just say that? Hmmm...

[Kasan]

If I knew my wife meant that as well I would stick by her but show me another woman that is happy with her husband and I will believe my wife is happy with me.

 

Okay Woggle, I'll bite--I am happy with my husband, don't resent him and spend time thinking up ways to torture him.

[a4a]

If I knew my wife meant that as well I would stick by her but show me another woman that is happy with her husband and I will believe my wife is happy with me.

 

ah....... Art's partner is probably happy with him.

and note that your W is not another woman she is who she is.

 

Show me a man that will not rape a woman if given the chance to get away with it....... same hogwash.

 

This is off topic you need your own thread..... sorry OP. I will not comment again on this.

 

But I do think that if you think your M is that bad you should get out.

[Woggle]

Okay Woggle, I'll bite--I am happy with my husband, don't resent him and spend time thinking up ways to torture him.

 

You went through some times where you weren't though.

[Kasan]

You went through some times where you weren't though.

 

Of course, Woggle, but I have been married for almost 33 years. My husband felt the same way at times, I can almost guarantee you.

 

So what's your point?

 

My point is--you can be bloody pis*ed off, resentful in your marriage and the world doesn't end....and it isn't reason enough to bail.

 

Apologies for thread jacking Marlena.

Edited January 28, 2008 by Kasan

[marlena]

Woggle,

 

My sister is happy with her husband. They've been together for 35 years. Being around them is wonderful. I like happy people!:)

[Frances]

If you share your life and share assets, earnings, expenses or for that matter chip in on a sofa a contract of who gets what is important in case you go your separate ways. Many unmarried couples now buy homes together. You do not have rights such as in emergency situations for health care decsions unless married. You need a medical POA to do that.

 

And who says unmarried couples are not committed? A piece of paper says that?

 

The couple themselves say so by not wanting to enter into a legal agreement which is what marriage is.

I believe M should be left up to the individuals in that M. Not regulated to be easier or harder - not governed by the state.

 

A private contract between two adult citizens.

 

In the so called free world as far as I know the state does not force anyone to marry.

[a4a]

In the so called free world as far as I know the state does not force anyone to marry.

 

Social standards still do.

 

Children out of wedlock still are stigmatized ( I am guilty of thinking this way)

 

Without govt. sanctioned M you do have to go through considerable trouble to be sure that your rights as a couple are recognized ( ask any gay committed couple)

 

You pay more tax in most cases as a shacked up couple.

 

You don't get the "family rate" with health insurance for one - not to mention gym memberships.

 

There are many things in free society that make it difficult to not get married and be in a committed relationship. Society encourages M by giving direct and indirect benefits to those that do M.

 

Imagine if our president or the candidates were just "shacked up" - they would not have a chance in hell to be elected because of that.

 

and what the hell does the legal system have to do with M. Comingles church and state?

 

I love you and vow to always be there til death do us part- or I know that I will have to face the court system........ Basically that is how it is.

 

Unless of course you are talking about Faith based M's?

 

Which I would think ones faith certainly should override any need for govt / legal intervention into matters of M. People that a M in their faith should not even need a M lic.

[OWoman]

Social standards still do.

 

Many people still view the marker of a woman's "success" (ie attractiveness) to be a wedding ring on her finger. It doesn't matter if she has a devoted SO in a LTR and a squadillion kids - "if he really valued her enough, he'd marry her". Whether or not HE proposed and SHE turned him down, the assumption remains that she "wasn't good enough to marry".

 

I work with many highly successful women who have excelled in all aspects of their lives, but have never married. They're viewed with pity rather than respect by many of their peers. (Those with failed marriages, even a string of disasters, are seen as more successful, albeit "unlucky".) And some of these women have internalised this and feel, secretly, failures, despite all their successes. One even considered answering an ad in the paper for a marriage of convenience to an immigrant wanting residence papers, so she could proudly tick "divorcee" on anonymous surveys in future. That's pretty sad, IMO, but it shows how strong that pressure can be.

[Storyrider]

Why do people still hang onto a bad marriage?

 

As a country, Americans are idealists rather than realists. We're more religious as a nation than most countries in Europe. And we romanticize marriage. We have huge, elaborate weddings that are social events and cost thousands and thousands of dollars. We envision a storybook marriage to go along with that.

 

I am a romantic and I believe in the value of high ideals. However, it doesn't help to hold yourself to an ideal if you can't or won't live your life in a way necessary to achieve it. Divorce means admitting failure in this regard. But at least you don't continue on the same path, claiming you're going to do something and not doing it.

 

It is dishonest to hold oneself to an ideal one can never achieve. My H defines marriage in extremely specific and exacting terms. I find the attempt to achieve his ideal in the marriage actually detracts from the relationship for me. He isn't trying to do that to me at all. He is just living life according to his ideals. His ideals work very well for him but not so well for me.

 

As for those who are saying divorce is largely due to bad communication, sometimes it isn't that at all. Sometimes you communicate very well, and you see with crystal clarity that what you need and what your spouse needs are never going to be compatible.

 

(This has nothing to do with feminism or man hating or anything like that.)

[Lizzie60]

With the divorce rate being as high as it is in the US, why do people in America always insist on "working on the marriage, get counseling, stay away from affairs" and on and on and on... It has become somewhat of a cliche on these boards.

 

Again, why this fervent persistence on upholding the institution of marriage at whatever cost? At times with devastating results, no less.

 

I just don't get it. Some things are just better not being saved.

 

Why not just tell someone who is absolutely miserably stuck in a marriage to dissolve the marriage and seek happiness elsewhere?

 

Life is too short to waste. I just don't get this trend. Honestly, I'd like to know.

 

I've always been wondering about the same thing... I find it totally ridiculous and a complete waste of time and energy to try to save something that just cannot be saved, most of the time.

 

As you say, life is too short... we should concentrate on our own happiness... if we don't take care of it.. no one else will...

[Pyro]

With the divorce rate being as high as it is in the US, why do people in America always insist on "working on the marriage, get counseling, stay away from affairs" and on and on and on... It has become somewhat of a cliche on these boards.

 

Again, why this fervent persistence on upholding the institution of marriage at whatever cost? At times with devastating results, no less.

 

I just don't get it. Some things are just better not being saved.

 

Why not just tell someone who is absolutely miserably stuck in a marriage to dissolve the marriage and seek happiness elsewhere?

 

Life is too short to waste. I just don't get this trend. Honestly, I'd like to know.

 

Being married to someone for so long and knowing them even longer then that, you owe to yourself and that person to attempt to save the marriage.

 

I agree that in some cases, it is better to just cut your losses.

[MysticStar]

Because they've got nothing better to do???