Introduction and relationship issues....

[PHRoG]

Hey there...I just found this place and could use some advice...I live in Oregon with my wife and two children (2.5 and 7 y/o)...We have been together for just over 8 years...Married for 4...She was 17 when we first met and I was 20.

 

The wife and I have been having issues.

 

I'm kind of at a crossroads and I can't decide what to do. We separated in late August for a couple of months. It was pure hell for me. I sucked it up and reconciled with her. Promising to be the model husband and father, which I was.

 

For the next couple months I busted ass...The house was always spotless, I took care of the kids, did a lot of the cooking. I almost never received any recognition for any of this and nothing changed on her end. She literally did not have to lift a finger for nearly two months. Nor did she make any attempt to change.

 

I finally dug my heels in and told her I was done playing maid and it was her turn. She has made small attempts here and there...Nothing I would consider drastic or even a worthwhile attempt and the fighting is just getting worse...It's like she does the absolutely minimum she thinks she can get away with and that should be enough...I nearly walked all of 17 miles home from town last Saturday...This is the day that she had worked up for months as being, "My special day" due to my birthday.

 

I don't know what to do...She's going behind my back now, lying to me and trying to hide things from me. I know she isn't cheating on me or even close to that. I love her like crazy and I want our marriage/family to work. I am just tired of trying to do all the work myself. At this point right now, if I could, I would just leave. But, I know that I cannot stand being without the kids and fat chance she is going to leave them with me. They are my world and I know I cannot live without them.

 

She has major anger issues, always has...We worked around them several times and for a nice run, everything was great...But, the fits are back and I cannot even have a normal conversation with her, without her blowing up at me.

 

I just don't know what to do...I love her and want our marriage/family to work...But I can't stand being with her this way...I have asked her to seek help for her problem in the past...That lasted about three days...I tried to explain that sometimes medication will take time...However, she is convinced there is nothing wrong with her and pills are not the answer.

 

Is there any hope left?

PHRoG

[ElvenPriestess]

Have you guys seen a therapist together, as well as separately at the same time? All the fighting, the back and forth, the needs to change certain behaviors, can be better channeled with a professional involved at times. Have you guys gone to MC?

[PHRoG]

Have you guys seen a therapist together, as well as separately at the same time? All the fighting, the back and forth, the needs to change certain behaviors, can be better channeled with a professional involved at times. Have you guys gone to MC?

 

Unfortunately not...Currently we have no insurance and cannot afford one (I looked into it) and there isn't enough in the budget (no matter how I worked the bills) to be able to cover one.

[ElvenPriestess]

I gotta tell you that's gonna be rough. But I do understand being in a financial bind with it. I also want to point out that on things, in your case cleaning the house, one should not make the other feel obligated. It shouldn't be done out of guilt or anger, or obligation. Things like that shouldn't be held over each other's head. Cleaning may seem a simple thing to state that over, but the way it's being dealt with can bleed into more serious things and be dealt with in the same unhealthy manner.

 

What has she lied to you about? Any lying is not acceptable but I'm curious to what her lies are. Are both of you equally committed to making this work? You both have to be able to sit down and hammer out the differences. And if only one of you is attempting true change, it just won't work. It has to be, yes I will repeat this, you and her versus all these issues. You have to be a team. You can't be against each other.

 

If you are it turns into a fight that should be focused else where. It needs to be a fight against the things that tear up your relationship, not a fight that tears each other down. And she too needs to realize this. Perhaps you can utilize some of these things and apply them to your marriage. Do you feel that you two are equally dedicated to the changes it takes to keep your relationship healthy and your family strong?