I don't want to hurt my mum, but...

[fizzbomb]

Hi, I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions on what I should do - it's a classic case of mum not wanting daughter to do something and daughter wanting to do it anyway.

 

I want to go on a sponsered hitch hike from UK to Morocco in the Easter Holidays. Kinda crazy, I know, but it's organised by a charity and they've put loads of safety procedures in place, even tracking progress on a GPS system. I'm not the sort of person who usually does this sort of crazy thing, but I've looked at all the risks and the costs and everything, and I'm still really keen.

 

It's planned that I go with my best friend (who's also my ex-boyfriend, but that isn't an issue for us at all), and on average it takes about 6 days. We've already got a rough idea of our route, and a couple of friends to stay with on the way, and we'd fly home again.

 

I'm 21, so I don't need my parents' permission (though I still live at home), but I don't want to upset them. My mum doesn't have a proper argument, she's just decided she doesn't want me to do it, and is clutching at straws for reasons. Saying that my hitch partner is unreliable, or that Morocco's dangerous, or whatever. He's not unreliable, we would look after eachother really well. Morocco is culturally different to the UK. I don't think that there will be a problem if we respect their ways, and just use common sense. Besides, this is an organised event by a charity that has been running for 12 years, I don't think out of all the places in the world they'd send us to a stupidly dangerous one. I feel like she's saying to me she doesn't trust or respect my judgements or common sense.

 

My biggest problem is that she's being very childish. My dad (whose only comment on the matter is "I'm not going against mum") informed me this morning that my relationship with mum is verging on nonexistant. She has told me that if I go I shouldn't expect any support from her or any sponsorship. She says her piece, and then if my views don't suddenly morph into ideas identical to hers, it's because I don't listen to her or take her advice. I understand her concerns, hitching isn't the safest thing in the world, but I really want to do it, it's a great opportunity to see places and experience new things. That's something I don't get to do very often, and there won't be the opportunity to travel with my best friend any other time in the next few years. She won't even read the (very extensive) info pack.

 

I'm not asking her to say "Yes, it's a marvellous idea, go for it," I just want her to say, "I'm not happy with it but I know how much it means to you, and I'll be as supportive as I can."

 

Please offer any suggestions. Am I being completely unreasonable? I've done all the research and I'm still happy with it. I know I'll regret it if I don't go, but I don't want to hurt her. But she's guilting me.

[Sweetcheripie]

Sounds like a really fun experience!

 

I'm sure your mom is just worried but her attitude about cutting off her relationship with you over this is extreme (did i understand that right?)

 

Maybe it is time to move out?

 

You are old enough to be out on your own and maybe your mom is wondering if you can afford this trip why aren't you living out on your own?

 

I don't agree with her attitude but I'm sure this isn't the only thing where she treats you like this so my suggestion would be to cut the apron strings and get out on your own.

[BabyPhoenix]

I think you are an idiot. Hitchhiking, _IS_ "kinda crazy" (as in extremely dangerous) no-matter how many GPS systems or "ex" boyfriends are in place. No matter where you are in the world.

 

I think your Mom is right to be worried, because clearly at 21, and "kinda crazy", you are not mature enough to see the possible ramifications of your actions.

 

Just do yourself a favour and "find yourself" with a Eurorail pass instead.

Edited January 27, 2008 by BabyPhoenix

[Ronni_W]

No, you're not being unreasonable...you're just looking to grow up, is all

Have you tried something along the lines of: "Mom, I understand that you're concerned for my safety, and I know it's tough to see your daughter growing up, and of course I don't want you worrying the whole time I'm away..."?

 

Give hard evidence of when/how your hitch partner has proven his reliability to you. Provide info on the charity, show statistics of relative safety of their sponsored hikes to Morocco, let her know how the GPS system works.

Explain that you have absolutely NO plans to take stupid and unnecessary risks...make it clear that you value your own life and safety as much (if not more!) than she does.

Tell her that you feel disappointed in her apparent lack of trust in your good sense and judgment -- ask when/how you've acted in ways that made her doubt you like that.

 

I don't know if it will work, of course. But if you've already put forth YOUR side of things, you have nothing to lose by changing things up and working from her side. Maybe even ask if there is ANYthing on the planet that you can put into place, that'll help her feel better about supporting your desire for this experience.

 

At the end of the day, it may just come down to you having to make an adult decision -- and be okay with the consequences of loss of your mom's support and sponsorship (and by extension, it sounds like your dad's as well.) If there is a history of her using this type of emotional blackmail to control you, and then backing down afterwards, take that into account as well.

 

Best of luck -- having someone leave the nest is sometimes tough on those who'll be "left behind" as well -- I hope your parents will soon realize that they have to let you fly free at some point!

[BabyPhoenix]

Perhaps I misunderstand. Do you in fact know the people who are driving the cars that you will be "hitch-hiking" with? Are they sponsored by the charity? Why do they bother calling it hitch-hiking then? Why don't they just call it "planned ride to Morocco with someone in our organisation?"

 

Explain that you have absolutely NO plans to take stupid and unnecessary risks...make it clear that you value your own life and safety as much (if not more!) than she does.

 

First, I bet your Mom values your life more than you do (at least she has more than your two brain cells to rub together to know the danger you plan on placing yourself in)

 

You are thinking: "Mom, I understand that you're concerned for my safety, and I know it's tough to see your daughter growing up....."

 

Your Mom is thinking: "I am very concerned for your safety, and it's very tough to see my daughter growing stupid..."

 

Getting into a car (in a foreign land no less) with a stranger = stupid and unnecessary risk.:eek:

Edited January 27, 2008 by BabyPhoenix

[fizzbomb]

No, Baby Pheonix, it's proper hitch hiking with strangers in a strange place. That's part of the attraction . But I happen to have some faith in humanity, and feel that I'm just as likely to get stabbed by a random nutter or hit by a bus as I go about my daily life.

 

Thanks Ronni, the problem is that I've said all of those things. She refuses to read the info (something that annoys me immensely). As for emotional blackmail, she uses it a lot but I've always backed down before. Not now. I can't. I'm getting too old to let her live my life. And besides, I'm fairly sure my ex wouldn't be ex if she hadn't insisted on picking me up at 11pm all the time. That was the final straw for me cos it's interfering with my happiness. I won't back down. But I'm scared.

[sb129]

Firstly, I have been to Morocco, and I would advise against going there as a female tourist unless you are

a) part of a tour group

b) with a male companion or

c) happy to be relentlessly harassed, especially if you don't observe the dress code.

 

Seeing as you are going with your ex BF, this isn't a problem.

Morocco is an amazing country, and you will love it if you observe the cultures, stick to your friends side (wearing a wedding ring helps) and enjoy it for the crazy, sense assaulting place that it is.

 

I presume you will be going through France and Spain, which will make up the majority of the "hitchhiking" leg- are you planning on doing any hitchhiking IN Morocco itself?

 

The reason I ask this, is that hitchhiking isn't really recognised in Morocco. If people want to get around on the cheap, there are "grand" taxis, which are long distance taxis who load up their car and take people from A to B for a set price per head.

 

There is alot of police corruption in Morocco, and tourists are targeted by police for "speeding" fines, "running red light" fines (usually when neither event has taken place). the police know that the tourists will pay, and the money goes in their back pockets.

I suspect hitchhikers would be easy pickings for the cops there too.

 

You know, I know this is for charity and all, but personally, I would prefer to donate some money to said charity, then get a cheap flight to Morocco (you can get them for £120), have a cheap 4 day holiday enjoying the culture, sights, food etc, than sit in a strangers car for six days!

 

Anyway- how to help with your mum is the question. Have you offered to be in text contact with her at all times? Thats totally possible, and not going to be that expensive.

[fizzbomb]

No, we're not allowed to hitch in Morocco itself. I've looked at the option to fly there, but we're both keen to actually do the travelling through France and Spain. I'm not fussed about hitching, I completely understand people's concerns, but we're students, and if we are to go away together it has to be this Easter. We simply don't have the money to do it any other way. I've just tried to speak with her. She wouldn't let me get to the end of my sentences, and the result was that we both ended up in tears. I honestly don't know what to do.

[sb129]

Cool. Morocco is amazing! France and Spain are pretty cool too....

 

I would do it, esp if I was with a guy. I wouldn't hitch through the Australian Outback (seen the movie Wolf Creek?)

My fiance and I have done alot of travelling, and I can assure you that you can find yourself in "interesting" situations even if you don't hitch!

 

Keep yourself and your belongings safe, don't drink alcohol while in the car, don't take any food from them, don't do drugs etc,.

 

Maybe you should write your mum an email. Send her all the safety stuff the charity have sent you, tell her you really want to do it, and promise her you will text her twice a day to let her know you are OK. You can make it clear, calm and rational.

Then the ball is in her court.

 

She can't stop you, but it would be nice if you could come to some kind of agreement.

[BabyPhoenix]

Is this ex-boyfriend the boyfriend that broke up with you 2 weeks ago?

[fizzbomb]

yes, it is

[Jilly Bean]

Hon, I've traveled through Northern Africa - including Morocco. It is AMAZING and magical. However, the natives are not exactly the sanest people on the planet, and I would be very against my 21-year old daughter hitchhiking through it. When you are in the country, there is this weird undercurrent like something is about to blow. I have been all over Asia, Europe, etc. and never felt the kind of subtle unease I did while in Morocco. It's honestly not the safest place for a young woman to be...

 

If this were the 60s, I would say go for it. But it is a much different world we live in, and a trip like this smacks of "international incident" to me.

 

Sorry to be all Mom-ish about it - but I think she's right to be concerned about your safety.

[sb129]

I went to Morocco last year and didn't get that "uneasy" feeling at all. i was with my BF, that could have had something to do with it.

 

Egypt is much worse, I was there last month, and there were little signs eveywhere that tourists are targets. Snipers, police escorted tour buses, private security firms etc.

If was really obvious in places like the Red Sea resorts, who have suffered terrible financial losses, and are desperate for tourist money to boost their local economy.

 

My partner and I travel alot, and things can happen to you anywhere. We live in LOndon, and we are at just as much risk from terrorist attacks here as anywhere else.

 

Spain has political problems that have resulted in public transport attacks, and a young Scottish woman was brutally murdered in one of New Zealands most laid back towns last week.

The moral: you could get hit by a bus tomorrow. You are old enough to do what y ou like, as long as you are sensible and keep your wits about you there is no reason why the trip shouldn't be great.

Travelling is a great way to learn about the world and yourself, and if nobody did it, the world would be a very boring place.