Shall I go away from him?

[Lucielle-liu]

Hi everyone. This is the first time for me to get on a forum for help. My bf and I have known each other for more than five years. But we only got into relationship a year ago. Last summer, I moved from China to New York for one year study and he moved from LA to New York too (I am Chinese and he is American). I am 29 years old and really eager to settle down with a nice guy. I like him and want to settle down with him. I told him my intention at the very beginning and he said he was also very serious about our relationship. there is another six months ahead before I graduate from law school. I am really not sure whether I can land a job here after my graduation. But it seems that our relationship is entirely conditional on this issue. I have taken a big loan to study here and can not afford for staying any longer after the graduation. He is a lawyer too in New York, but he never said that he could afford my stay here if I can't find a job right away after graduation. By the way, he makes 200,000 bucks a year. One more thing need to be mentioned is that he rejected to be my co-signer for my student loan a month ago.

 

I hesitate whether to go on with this relationship. I would love to stay in America and I also like him. But I am also mad that he didn't 100% love me which I look for in a relationship. I don't know what to do now and the idea of breaking up with him now makes me sad, but continuing such relationship also hurts me whenever I think that he is not deeply in love with me and sacrifice for me.

 

I really want to listen to your opinion or advice.

[curiousnycgirl]

I am a very independent person, so likely my input will be different than others. I think your expectation that he co-sign your loan is unrealistic. You two are not yet married, why should he take on that responsibility?

 

As far as expecting him to committ now to support you after graduation, I'm a little torn on that one. If you two live together, then it's not all that unrealistic an expectation, and it is reasonable to discuss at this point.

 

However if you two don't currently live together - then I do not think it is reasonable. I think you need to give this relationship grow to be ready for him to meet the expectations you express.

 

I realize you are under a time crunch given that you are only here through your studies, but that can't force the relationship to move faster than it is. I suggest you show your committment to staying in this country by aggressively looking for jobs. That will show your b/f your own personal committment vs. your expectation to be supported (you probably weren't expecting that - but it IS how your words came through to me).

 

I have a question for you though, be patient with me please, it may just be my ignorance of the law - but why would you come to the US to study law if you are from China which is governed very differently? When you applied what were your career expectations?

[StillSame]

I have a question for you though, be patient with me please, it may just be my ignorance of the law - but why would you come to the US to study law if you are from China which is governed very differently? When you applied what were your career expectations?

 

If she's attending a prestigous law school such as Columbia or NYU or if she's at the top of her class, she can easily get a attorney job at an international law firm that has offices all over the world.

 

To the OP, would you have loan him the money or be a co-signor if the roles were reversed? If the answer is yes, it's obvious that you love him ore than he loves you. Maybe you're just a temp thing for him; an Asian fetish thing that he will get over with easily.

 

The fact that he doesn't want to help you while he can (if that's the case), clearly shows where his heart and intentions are at (or NOT at as in this case).

[Lucielle-liu]

Thank you above. Stillsame, you have answered Curiousnycgirl's quesiton for me. It was not a unrealistic goal to land a job in New York law firm after study law and get a good grade here last year. That's part of the reason that made me decide to study here.

 

To Stillsame: answer to your question - if the roles of my bf and I reversed, whether I would be willing to be co-signer of him. The answer is yes. I would. I even could have supported him financially now. I know it. But when he rejected me in the first place, I thought maybe this was the cultural difference between us, hence I just let it go at that time. But one thing after another, recently, I just feel that it is not right.

 

Back to China, I am also an independent and successful woman. All through these years, I never relied on anyone. I also feel sorry and grateful every time my bf paid for all the bills when we go out. For several times, in order to save money for him, I go out with him after I eat by myself in my dorm. And I never asked for anything from him, never.

 

I think i have made my decision to break up with him. He is not a bad guy, but not a guy that I am expecting. Thank you both for your listening and advice.

[curiousnycgirl]

Lucielle,

 

Is this a decision you feel you must make right now? Could you not give the relationship more time to grow before giving it up? Or do you just not see it going anywhere regardless of how long you give it?

 

I'm really sorry - this must be very hard and hurtful to you.

[StillSame]

I also feel sorry and grateful every time my bf paid for all the bills when we go out. For several times, in order to save money for him, I go out with him after I eat by myself in my dorm. And I never asked for anything from him, never.

 

It shows that you are a very considerate woman and you care about others, even if his annual income is $200K, you did what you did above. It seems that your breaking up with him is that deep down, you know that you care for him much more than he cares for you. It might work out in a short term relationship, but that's not what you want and you believe you deserve better....am I correct?

 

I am also guessing that you would have a huge problem if in the future, say, one of your parents gets sick and needs a loan for medical expenses and if he refuses to assist, it would be a shock and a complete unacceptable behavior to you.....right? You know what you want and you know what you value....follow your heart, but also think with your brain. Only you know what's right for you in the long run.

[Lucielle-liu]

To Curiousnycgirl: thank you for reply to my thread. I have decided to break up with him already. I didn't pick up his call today and won't talk to him until I feel better from the sad feeling right now. The reason that I cannot stand a little bit longer time for our relationship to grow is that the longer time we spend together, my heart is more falling for him. I am really afraid that this July if I have to go back to China, we have to end up like now, it might become extremely difficult for me to recover from the heart break. Even if I give another chance to our relationship, the fact that he is reluctant to support me or contribute to our relationship also bothers me (this annoyance will be there no matter whether I get a job or not after my graduation).

 

Indeed even today after deciding to break up with him, I am still a bit while unsure whether I make a right decision. As I said, he is not a bad guy, I admire and respect him in various ways. But if such a guy doesn't love you as much as you love him, there is probably nothing worth stay for him. Breaking up really hurts me, but I have to get it over. Now the question is how...

[Lucielle-liu]

I am also guessing that you would have a huge problem if in the future, say, one of your parents gets sick and needs a loan for medical expenses and if he refuses to assist, it would be a shock and a complete unacceptable behavior to you.....right? You know what you want and you know what you value....follow your heart, but also think with your brain. Only you know what's right for you in the long run.

 

To be honest, My mom disagree with our relationship at all and she doesn't like the idea of my stay in America after my graduation. I never think of the idea that if my mom (my dad passed away three and a half years ago) gets sick in the future, he will not afford for her medical expense, because I am sure if I stay here, I can make the similar money as he does. (BTW, if I go back to China, I will also make the similar money as he does now after tax.) But you are right, if such a thing happens, it will be completely unacceptable.

 

As a 29 years old woman, I really want to settle down with someone I like. The failure of this relationship makes me really doubt whether there is something wrong with me.

[StillSame]

As a 29 years old woman, I really want to settle down with someone I like. The failure of this relationship makes me really doubt whether there is something wrong with me.

 

 

The break up (I won't say failure) of this relationship just shows that you pairing with someone who has different values than you have. It might not be completely due to cultural differences, but it can largely be because of it. Aren't there any single men with your background and similiar/same values?

 

But you are right, if such a thing happens, it will be completely unacceptable.

 

If he is unwilling to assist YOU when you're in need, do you think he is going to happily help your mom, grandma, brother, etc?

 

Differences in values can be one of the biggest deal breaker in a relationship, especially marriage. Don't view it as a failure, view it as an awakening....or even luck. You escaped marrying to someone who's not right for you, whom you will despise if you stayed with him long term. Isn't that worth celebrating?

[Lucielle-liu]

Today is the first day after I said breakup last night. I felt terrible for the whole day. I thought of the good things about him all day. I checked the phone constantly. But he didn't call me at all.

 

He said he loved me all the time last night when I said I couldn't see the future between us and I couldn't feel love from him. He also said he moved to New York for me and he felt he had tried his best to love me.

 

But I am still confused: how a person is willing to move from LA to New York but is unwilling to support you when you are in need .

 

I love a lot of things of him: he is caring, cuddly, very intelligent and talented, he is also good-looking in my eyes (though he said he is not in American eyes), he is a responsible person. I don't know whether I should reconcile now only after one day. I know you might tell me that I should do whatever my heart tells me to do. The problem is that my heart always screw my mind and I also regret what I did if I follow my heart.

 

What can I do?

[StillSame]

I said I couldn't see the future between us and I couldn't feel love from him.

 

There you have the answer to your questions. If he is not putting the effort during the time while dating, do you think that effort will be there once he has you for good?

 

He also said he moved to New York for me and he felt he had tried his best to love me.

 

Did he lose alot when he moved to New York for you, monetary wise? Did he tried his best when he refused to be a co-signor?

 

But I am still confused: how a person is willing to move from LA to New York but is unwilling to support you when you are in need.

 

Is moving to New York to be with you his only motive? Did he gain anything else, including career opportunity, a chance to experience another city, etc.?

 

I know you might tell me that I should do whatever my heart tells me to do. The problem is that my heart always screw my mind and I also regret what I did if I follow my heart.

 

What can I do?

 

The question you need to ask yourself is whether you will settle for someone who loves you less than you love him? The question you need to ask yourself is whether years down the road you will be okay to be the giver and he the receiver. You're a smart woman and I am sure you can see where your future is heading beyond more than just one week.

[britchick]

I don't think it has to follow that because he didn't co-sign your loan that he loves you less than you love him.

 

Lots of relationships have problems due to different attitudes to money. If my partner needs money and I have it, I'll give it to him. On the other hand if it's the other way round, he hates handing over money and I have to ummm 'gently' remind him that I help him out and I expect the same from him.

 

I know my partner's upbringing was vastly different from mine and that his family never had any money. In fact he missed out on further education because he went out to work to stop his mum and dad losing their home. Whereas, my parents would never have expected me to do that, their money problems were theirs and they wouldn't have dreamt of putting them on their children.

 

Have you asked him why he didn't want to co-sign the loan? It seems rather than just breaking up with him you need a real heart to heart on how you both see the relationship (as well as the role of money within it)and then you can at least make an informed decision.