how to stop feeling sad?

[doingmybest]

I split up with my boyfriend this time last year after 4 very fractured years. He chucked me on this occasion (January 1) and we were having such a stressful time that it didn't really hit me for two or three months. The main problem in our relationship was him never working/being broke and being entirely chaotic and promising me things that he would never deliver and letting me down. Now, of course, he's got the job he always said he'd get but in which I'd stopped believing because of the string of broken promises. I have dated someone else who is strong and who loves me and has taught me to be more tolerant and less mercurial but I still feel so sad about the ex who, as far as I know, has sequestered himself in a room where he is finishing this work project and not with anyone else. He was always much better at coping with being alone than me but I find it very painful to acknowledge that he doesn't love me any more and meanwhile suspect that he does love me but has blocked it out and his pride and fear prevents him from seeking a resolution. I find it difficult because our break-up and the things we used to do together and our group of friends were so central to my life and I have not been able to replace these things although am trying. I miss him and his sense of humour and always want to resolve the awfulness that went on between us. He is the kind of person who would cut his nose off to spite his face and, emotionally speaking, very closed off. He called me in August (to 'take some of the edge off our break-up') and when we met up I knew I was still in love with him. We had a lovely time (I thought) but he said he was not prepared to give it another chance, nor would he acknowledge that he had done anything wrong - he is quite troubled and was a real handful especially at the beginning. Anyway, I am rambling now but it just kills me that he is now doing exactly what he said that he was going to do and that I can't get over him. I would appreciate any advice on how to move on. I've read the books, I go to a therapist (who really helps) but I feel so very sad about the fact that we're apart and I can't help but think that he's punishing me on some level. I have a huge problem of loneliness that I can't seem to solve. I have friends but my loneliness is so deep since he and I split up. I regret a lot of what I did, especially at the end, but he was also impossible.

[sakeeta]

Wow..I wonder if we were with twins. While circumstances are not exactly the same, they are similar enough to feel like an echo to me. I don't have any real advice, just wanted to let you know as others have done for me that you are not alone, and that there are others on this roller coaster. And so far it's not a fun ride. Hopefully when we finally get off we will be better somehow than we were when we got on.

[sandflea]

You know - everyone gets the lonelies, but I think what makes it worse is boredom. You know, you sit around the house, it's freakin -30 outside, it's dark, the sun won't shine, no body calls you - it sucks.

 

Isn't it ironic that right when we need our friends the most, suddenly everyone is busy doing something else. Going through a breakup, you feel like some kind of leper or something. No one will engage you. Nobody knows your number - no one.

 

I think that's why it's crucial to stay busy, so you aren't haunted by your emotions all day and night - and, it's also very important to find a way to vent that doesn't drive your friends and family away from you. I learned very quickly that the old sob story makes everyone cringe and roll their eyes - and I found an online site to vent. Keep venting. Talking (or typing) how you feel, why it sucks, how much it hurts - seems to make it better over time. But, more important that venting - stay busy.

 

I think it also helps to try not to take yourself too seriously. Realistically - you won't be alone forever, you WILL find love again, and spring will come. Just really really try to have faith that this process will get better.

 

SF

[doingmybest]

well that was quick - thank you. I am much better than I was (which was hysterical and paranoid) but if you have any advice on, for example, what to do about my back which is permanently in knots because of the periodic tension I feel about these things - I do exercise and have occasional massage but any specific exercises for this sort of tension would really help. Also - what helps you 'snap out of it' when you're on a weepy downer?

 

sakeeta - i read in another post that you have a child by your ex (is that right?) does that make it more difficult do you think, or easier in a funny way?

 

sandfly. strange to have a man's perspective. i do try and think of the positive - ie i am not in a loony bin which was where i was headed - but i do wonder what goes on in his head and how he can just compartmentalise this whole thing, i wish i could do the same.

[sakeeta]

sakeeta - i read in another post that you have a child by your ex (is that right?) does that make it more difficult do you think, or easier in a funny way?

 

No..I do not have a child with this man, but I do have children. I am also close with at least one of his kids. That makes things a little tough, but I don't want to alienate his kids. He has done it to my daughter and it really hurt her.

[FLOWERYSTARS]

Try not to compare his life and his emotional state to yours. Your journey is your own, and youve no need to compare it to anybody elses, especially not to the person who appears to be the cause of your pain. That kind of thinking only prolongs things. Try to see your own life as a curiosity and challenge of your very own.

You dont know what he is thinking, so you take his words, because that is all you can do. At least that takes matters out of your hands, there is nothing to analyse.

Often when we are less than happy with current circumstances we look to the past. It seems your current relationship (?) isnt really doing it for you. Either try to look at your partner for all the good things he can offer you, instead of comparing, or think about grabbing hold of your life again and going for the things you really want.

Not trying to recreate the past because, well, wouldnt that lead you here again? But trying to be happy with the present so that you can generate more happiness and positive things into your life.

[doingmybest]

Yes, I've thought of that. But what I appear to be looking for is what I rejected over and over again because of some odd ideas I had about life then and the fear that my then boyfriend was going to ruin my life. I feel constant regret and guilt about the past even though he behaved very badly too and I want him back, or at least I want to see him. I often go to parties and think if he was here I know he'd want to be with me - lots of men seem to find me attractive but the only person I want is him. Meanwhile new bf lives abroad and it has taken a long time to even start taking him seriously even though he is what I need (and what I want, on paper.) I feel like I had this opportunity and I have messed it up and it's the biggest mistake in my life and I worry about it all the time. Sometimes I think, if I had had kids with this guy then at least there would be somethign - because I wanted kids with him and nobody else so far. I know this is about 'deeper issues within myself' but I panic that I have messed things up and that I'm going to regret this forever. Because I'm still not over him.

[doingmybest]

this is a particularly bad day because there's a reference to what he's doing at work in the paper. and everybody who ever met him (my friends and family) said he's a loser, he'll never change, he's all hot air. and four years is a long time to promise things and not deliver and be unreliable and live in a sort of fantasy world. and i thought, this is going to go on forever. and then suddenly - he has changed, what he said would happen, has happened. people change. this is what is making me feel sick. when i saw him in august he said that i didnt believe in him etc etc. but i feel it's unfair because he hurt me so badly with so many promises broken and he wasn't there for me when i needed him. and now he's turning around to say i can't possibly forgive you for your terrible behaviour.

[FLOWERYSTARS]

If you take your mistakes and beat yourself up over and over for them its likely you wont notice yourself making the same mistakes again, or convince yourself that you are and will always be the same.

Is there a possibility that the past may be repeating itself with your present boyfriend?? Is fear that the previous one was actually the one for you keeping you from appreciating and commiting (in heart) to the guy you are with now?

Embrace your lesson and apply it to the present, to what is happening now in your life, not your exes.

The choices you made were based on the information that was available to you at that time. So you lacked faith, then learn to have faith, have faith in you, have faith that life can be good again, have faith that life IS good now.

He has made his decision, and it is fair enough.

Be aware also that it is very easy to romanticise the past, also that you have your own issues to deal with, and they may not always be compatible with time or so it seems.