barbarella Posted January 27, 2008 Share Posted January 27, 2008 My problem is pretty much the same as everyone else, just a little more so - I have been friends with a guy for a couple of years now. When we first met, we were seeing other people, but as time went on (and our relationships with those other people collapsed), we’ve become increasingly…involved. At the beginning, we would kiss and cuddle, and hold hands, but he kept saying "you’re a good friend, but I don’t think that we’ll be good together". My response was always "okay, then, leave me alone", and he would back off but eventually he would start being physical again. At one time we went completely NC, and it lasted all of 2 weeks...Of course, we ended up sleeping together (once), and he said it was a bad idea because he’s religious and I’m not, and it’s very important to him to "marry someone who was the same religion". (I told him I wasn't looking for marriage, just sex. I've never once brought up marriage. He brings it up occasionally (as in, "when we get married who's going to take care of the kids?"...). For a number of reasons, I recently moved to another country, but went back over Christmas. We saw each other for a couple of days. On the first day, he invited me to his works' Christmas lunch, where he was very physically affectionate…(i.e. kissing in front of his boss, holding my hand, cuddling) but - he said that I would always be "very special" to him but he needed some time to figure out what was going on with his life (his career is in a bit of flux (in a positive way)). The next day, we went to another party, where I started out by ignoring him and spending time with other people. The booze was flowing, and ended up spending the rest of the evening in each others arms, kissing and talking (our friends started to call us "the lovebirds"). One of the things we ended up talking about was that he had realised that being with someone who is of the same religion is important to his family, not him, and that this was big for him and he was working through it. He also said that he didn’t want to get involved with me because I’m so far away. We went back to his place got a bit frisky, and passed out, and then the next morning he started to get frisky again. He stopped, saying that he had to go to work. I went home *incredibly* annoyed. So, that night he invited me out for drinks with some of his male friends. I tried to back out, but as it was the last night that I would see him, I let myself be convinced. Turns out that he is planning a trip to visit me soon for a weekend, but had invited another guy friend (who's from the area that I live in, and who mentioned tons of times that my guy would be staying with me, but the friend wont be), and wanted to introduce us. I’m beyond confused with him. It always goes that he says "I can’t be with you", I say "okay, then leave me alone", and then he comes after me. He hasn’t been with anyone other than me since he broke up with his ex (I know because (a) we have a very close circle of friends, and (b) he told me), every time I speak with his office mates they say how much he misses me and how sad he is since I left. He tells other women about me, he has 3 pictures of him and me together up in his office. His boss thinks that we’re dating, and he refuses to tell his boss otherwise. The messages I'm getting are...mixed...to say the least. My biggest issue is that I'm planning to move back in the next 8 months. He'll be there, and our circle of friends is such that cutting him out of my life is impossible (we've tried it). I would like this to go somewhere, as he is one of the nicest, most supportive and understanding men I've ever met - and it just seems to me that it's very slowly going somewhere. He doesn't know that I'm moving back - do I tell him before he comes to visit? Do I wait to see until after the visit? Most importantly, what is up with him? Link to post Share on other sites
TotalChaos Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 I think this guy definately has a thing for you! Seems to me that he is someone that tries to find reasons why something can't work instead of reasons why it can. Maybe he is scared of the big "C". I think when he comes to visit you should sit down and have a serious talk with him about your feelings. I wouldn't say anything about you moving back, because that may make him feel pressured. If he continues to say that you guys "can't" be in a relationship then I would do my best to let him go. It's only going to get more confusing and frustrating the longer this goes on. TRUST ME! If it does come down to this and you play your cards right, I have a feeling that this guy will be at your doorstep begging for a relationship. Hopefully, your talk will go well and he will open up to you and things will work out the way you want them to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author barbarella Posted February 2, 2008 Author Share Posted February 2, 2008 Hi TC - thanks so much for your reply! I know part of the problem is that I'm a huge coward when it comes to this sort of thing - I've only had a couple of previous relationships that seriously weren't this hard...But what you've said makes a lot of sense - I've just got to talk to him, and hope that he doesn't freak out, I guess... Link to post Share on other sites
TotalChaos Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 Keep me posted on how this goes for you please. I know it's hard and I can relate to your situation. I kind of see it like this, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. If things don't go as you would like then it prolly wasnt meant to be. Good Luck and I will be looking forward to hearing back from you. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 I'm in a similar situation, minus the long-distance thing. The guy I see makes it seem as though he doesn't want it serious, but the friendship always seems to develop otherwise, no matter how much he pulls the rubberband trick on me (pull back and come back, pull back and come back..) Let him visit you and see how it goes. I say tell him then about your moving back, and say you'd like to talk about what to expect out of that. But I think one thing our guys have in common is the chase. I too will tell Dan to leave me alone yet this seems to be exactly what gets him wanting more. Wanting more is great, but these guys need to realize they gotta make their minds up eventually. It sounds like maybe your dude is scared of committment, pretty common problem, an acceptable problem to an extent, until someone's been strung along enough to be really hurt in the end. I've made efforts but otherwise not very good at preventing this myself. It's hard to like someone a lot when they don't want the same things, and trying to look out for yourself at the same time. Eventually you have to put your foot down and ask this guy, once and for all, what do you truly want out of this and from me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author barbarella Posted March 2, 2008 Author Share Posted March 2, 2008 Well, he came this weekend - and it was fabulous. I am a little gun shy about us, because of all of the drama in the past, so I decided to sit back and make him show me what he wanted from me. He only came for 2 nights - at first I was a little standoffish, but he was kind of cuddly and kissy. On his first night here, he kissed me (with closed lips) a couple of times while we were out at dinner, and then we went out to a club. At the club we made out a little bit, then went back to my place and fell asleep cuddling. Nothing really happened. The next day we went on a bit of a road trip to see something he has always wanted to see. I kept it really casual, and we held hands a little bit, but nothing more. I had intended to talk about us on the drive, but we ended up talking about his family (he called his mother so that he could introduce me to her). That night, we ended up going out with a group of my friends to a really popular club, and he kind of ignored me for the first little bit, focussing on my friends. I got a little jealous, but my best friend reassured me that he was just trying to be friendly - he was definitely interested in me and me only. After about an hour, we ended up getting separated in the club from my friends and he grabbed me and kissed me in a movie kind of way - the kind of kiss that (a) made my knees buckle and (b) made it clear that he wanted me very, very much... My friends came back, and I went to the bathroom. While I was away, he talked with my best friend there - she asked him what his intentions for me are (cute little mom type!). He said that he really misses me and wants me to come home, but that he wants me to do whatever's best for me. That night we slept together again, and it was sooo romantic. This morning, before he left, he was kissing me and holding me and telling me how much he wanted to stay (but he has to work...I respect that...). He's coming to see me in May for a week, and we have plans to go away for a weekend in June and a weekend at the end of August. I'm hoping to move home in September. I'm not actually convinced that the complications are over - it's not been a smooth ride for the two of us - but everything that happened this weekend makes me think that he's no longer afraid of being with me. He gains nothing from telling me that he misses me and wants me to come home if he doesn't mean it. I'm still waiting to see what happens next (he's flying home right now) - but I'm feeling that we're finally moving into a more settled state. Even though nothing was said directly, I'm also happy to let him show me what he wants. Yay! Link to post Share on other sites
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