I don't make excuses...my story

[fungrl9]

I am an OW who has been dating a MM for about 6 months now. When I met him, I was separated from my husband of 5 years after my husband started an online relationship with a woman from work. That wasn't the reason I left, it was just a symptom of other problems we had before. My ex (divorce has been final for a few months now) signed up on an adult dating website just after we separated, where people go to meet others for the purpose of a physical relationship. I was still in the "jealous ex" mode, so I decided to sign up too, to show him I could get another man interested long before he found another woman. Basically just a way to get back at him. That is where I met the MM I am seeing now. It started as a very casual thing, just emails and IMs exchanged for a couple months, then we started talking on the phone. We finally decided to meet for drinks after work one day, with no expectations.

 

I should tell you that I knew from day one that he was married, but in my state of mind at the time I didn't care - I was using him to get back at my husband. I realize now how awful that was, but it is what it is and I own it.

 

So we met for drinks, and he was even better looking than his picture. The conversation flowed easier than any other I've ever had with someone I just met. He is intelligent, funny, has a great smile, and I was immediately smitten. At the same time, this was just to get back at my ex, so I didn't let my awe of him get in my way. When he asked if he could get a better look at my tattoos, I suggested the nearest hotel. We had an incredible time. We talked for a while after, and he told me how his wife gave him permission to cheat as long as he promised to come home to her. I realize that sounds like a complete line, but he already had me at that point, so I don't know why he would make it up. He said that she has some medical condition that makes it very difficult (uncomfortable) for her to have sex. For a while, she tried for his sake, but he knew she didn't enjoy it. They almost split up because of it. That's when she told him to go take care of his urges elsewhere. When we left the hotel that night, he said he'd like to see me again and I agreed.

 

Over the next couple months, things got more intense. We saw each other more often, even staying the night together a couple times. I stopped seeing him to make my ex jealous and started seeing him because I was developing feelings for him. We emailed back and forth all day at work, we would IM in the evenings, and he would call when he could. After a while, he started coming over to my place every morning before work. The first time he told me he was in love with me, it was magical. Something I've always dreamed of but never had before, even with my ex husband. There is just one thing wrong with the picture - the fact that he's married.

 

He tells me that he can't break his promise to his wife - that he promised to come home to her. He said it would take her doing something really bad to make him leave her. But in the same breath, he talks about how if he weren't with her right now, he would want to marry me. He says we have this connection that he never thought he'd have with anyone but his wife.

 

I know he loves her deeply. I know he will probably never leave her. And I know it probably seems like it would be easy to walk away after just 6 months with him. I'm sure it has a lot to do with my emotional state since my divorce, but I just can't bring myself to be strong enough to leave him. When I'm with him, he makes me feel so good about myself, and I guess I'm afraid that without him I'll just slip into this complete depression.

 

Those of you that were able to get out - I really need some advice. I don't need to be told a hundred times that I need to get out - I know that already. I need to know how to feel good about leaving, because right now it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about not seeing him every day. It doesn't help for me to think of his wife, because I can't relate to her situation and to be honest I'm too self absorbed in my own drama to concern myself with what she might be going through. I know some of you might come down on me for that, but I'm just being brutally honest. I need help to get out of this.

 

Thanks for reading.

[chardonnay]

I can only relate your story to mine - I was seeing a guy for 3 years who was living with this gf. I won't go into details, but eventually he became single (she broke up with him) and he went overseas for an extended holiday, and I only had brief emails from him in the time away. He did contact me when he came back and I am seeing him again - but only because he is single. I know I have the strength within me now to not put up with being the other woman again.

 

I think you will feel good when you get out of your situation - believe me I never thought I would feel good without him - but the things I felt good about were having the willpower to not email/call him, and just focussing on my own life, work and going out with friends. Is it possible for you to have a complete break from him for a while? I know that's what helped me to realise that I could let him go. It was very hard for me at first, but as time went on, I realised how bad being the OW was. It was a relationship going nowhere for me, and completely pointless.

 

People would tell me when I was the OW, that feeling good when he was around surely didn't make up for feeling bad when he wasn't around - but I justified it to myself by saying that yes the good times were worth the bad times - I now know that that's not true.

 

My situation isn't exactly the same as yours, as my guy wasn't married - but he was in a long term relationship, and it was obvious to me that he wasn't leaving her for me.

 

I don't know if I've offered any useful advice, but good luck and I really hope you can get out of your situation.

Edited January 28, 2008 by chardonnay

[CherryBakewell]

I wish I could tell you how to break away, but I don't know how to do it myself. I feel just like you do at the moment - although I am foolish enough to have a desperate hope that if I tell my MM how I feel he might leave his W for me. (I've posted my story up tonight as well.) The pain I am in at the moment is just awful. I just hope someone comes up with some advice for you - & me, and all the other OW/M who need to end it but are scared to.

 

Much love & support to you - hope you get through it xx

[quankanne]

remind yourself that you deserve better than half a life that he's offering when you are looking to go for broke.

 

other thought is that yeah, leaving him is going to hurt, but it's not going to kill you mentally or physically, you know? You can do this if you put your mind to it ...

[mourningMM]

Look up MourningMM. Don't focus on the fact that my MM died...not the point.

 

If you look at me, you will see a part of your own story. In a bad place, needing attention, wanting validation, but not really trusting any person of the opposite sex. That is the point in a person's life when he or she is primed for a relationship that has no future, and may be either healing or harmful depending on how it is handled.

 

It may be healing for the MM (I should say married spouse because this isn't gender dependent)...there may be issues that are too difficult to face in a marriage.

 

What you need to do is look into your mirror and see your soul. If you can live with breaking up a marriage, or even just being the final nail in a coffin...then you will take one course. This may be good for you, or not. There are stories here that go both ways.

 

But if you think that this is just a phase, or if you know that you couldn't live with yourself if you caused OR ADDED TO pain of another person, then walk away as soon as you are strong enough....

 

The bottom line is if you aren't honest with yourself, and with the person in the bed with you....and if you accept a half-life, that is all you will ever really have.

 

And honestly, how does that show your ex anything?

 

You and your ex need to resolve issues without using others...because the only person who knows what happened in your marriage is your ex. Now if he isn't truthful and honest, then life can really stink because you get no resolution.

 

But don't ever imagine that a relationship built on a foundation of untruth can survive...

 

If you and your lover are truthful this can be healing and growing opportunity; if not, find someone you can be truthful with...

 

You deserve to date a man that you can be proud to introduce to your family.

 

Good luck, and keep the mirror close. It is easy to lie withiout it.

[LakesideDream]

Fungrl, I can relate to both your story and your situation. While I didn't feel the need for revenge after my 25 year marriage blew up 7 years ago, (she cheated blah blah) I do know the feelings you had, the saddness, the empty, lonely feeling.

 

I filled mine the same way you filled yours, and yes I was even a OM for a while.

 

I won't fault you for what you are doing. You have to survive the best you can. I can tell you that being an O-person has it's own pain and saddness connected. My affair didn't last long.. just long enough for me to return to survival mode. The pain of not having her is still there though, seven years later.

 

Someday, maybe soon I will pick up my life (I'm an old 57 year old guy) move to where she is by the lake, and make her really choose. Maybe..

 

Good Luck. One day at a time really works. As the years go by your become more patient.

[jaslene2009]

Fungrl9, I feel your pain. However, most MM make up the dumbest stories to tell you. There is probably nothing wrong with his wife. Why can't he just be honest and say that he just want an affair and a fling and that is it! Let him go to his wifey and be miserable. I think you stated you were single. Well, find the next man (single of course) someone with the same qualities you found in the MM. After, you have established yourself with this new, nice looking, very attractive, new SM, you will soon forget about MR. Wifey has a health issue (LOL). Let him know that you are all that and then some. You don't need him like that and you can move on. Not to be cocky, but their is no nice way to cut it off. If it doesn't feel good to you than why continue? Go out dancing,in a nice dress,get your hair done, nails done and make the ex and the MM realize that you got it going on. Take my advice it works!

I am an

OW

who has been dating a

MM

for about 6 months now. When I met him, I was separated from my husband of 5 years after my husband started an online relationship with a woman from work. That wasn't the reason I left, it was just a symptom of other problems we had before. My ex (divorce has been final for a few months now) signed up on an adult dating website just after we separated, where people go to meet others for the purpose of a physical relationship. I was still in the "jealous ex" mode,

so

I decided to sign up too, to show him I could get another man interested long before he found another woman. Basically just a way to get back at him. That is where I met the

MM

I am seeing now. It started as a very casual thing, just emails and IMs exchanged for a couple months, then we started talking on the phone. We finally decided to meet for drinks after work one day, with no expectations.

 

I should tell you that I knew from day one that he was married, but in my state of mind at the time I didn't care - I was using him to get back at my husband. I realize now how awful that was, but it is what it is and I own it.

 

So

we met for drinks, and he was even better looking than his picture. The conversation flowed easier than any other I've ever had with someone I just met. He is intelligent, funny, has a great smile, and I was immediately smitten. At the same time, this was just to get back at my ex,

so

I didn't let my awe of him get in my way. When he asked if he could get a better look at my tattoos, I suggested the nearest hotel. We had an incredible time. We talked for a while after, and he told me how his wife gave him permission to cheat as long as he promised to come home to her. I realize that sounds like a complete line, but he already had me at that point,

so

I don't know why he would make it up. He said that she has some medical condition that makes it very difficult (uncomfortable) for her to have sex. For a while, she tried for his sake, but he knew she didn't enjoy it. They almost split up because of it. That's when she told him to go take care of his urges elsewhere. When we left the hotel that night, he said he'd like to see me again and I agreed.

 

Over the next couple months, things got more intense. We saw each other more often, even staying the night together a couple times. I stopped seeing him to make my ex jealous and started seeing him because I was developing feelings for him. We emailed back and forth all day at work, we would

IM

in the evenings, and he would call when he could. After a while, he started coming over to my place every morning before work. The first time he told me he was in love with me, it was magical. Something I've always dreamed of but never had before, even with my ex husband. There is just one thing wrong with the picture - the fact that he's married.

 

He tells me that he can't break his promise to his wife - that he promised to come home to her. He said it would take her doing something really bad to make him leave her. But in the same breath, he talks about how if he weren't with her right now, he would want to marry me. He says we have this connection that he never thought he'd have with anyone but his wife.

 

I know he loves her deeply. I know he will probably never leave her. And I know it probably seems like it would be easy to walk away after just 6 months with him. I'

m

sure it has a lot to do with my emotional state since my divorce, but I just can't bring myself to be strong enough to leave him. When I'

m

with him, he makes me feel

so

good about myself, and I guess I'

m

afraid that without him I'll just slip into this complete depression.

 

Those of you that were able to get out - I really need some advice. I don't need to be told a hundred times that I need to get out - I know that already. I need to know how to feel good about leaving, because right now it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about not seeing him every day. It doesn't help for me to think of his wife, because I can't relate to her situation and to be honest I'

m

too self absorbed in my own drama to concern myself with what she might be going through. I know some of you might come down on me for that, but I'

m

just being brutally honest. I need help to get out of this.

 

Thanks for reading.