LankyGuy Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 I have a question. Since we were young, my wife has always given me little tests. She'll pose a question and see if I answer the "right way" or she'll see if I turn the lights on for her, or if I remember to ask her about something specific, etc. If I "fail" she'll call me out on it...saying "wrong answer" or "why didn't you ...?", etc. She'll often admit that it was a test. It drives me nuts but it's a way that she gets her needs met, I guess by training me to give her the answers she wants and doing the things she wants me to do...so I don't know if these are fair or just a passive aggressive method of manipulation, but I've always played along the best I could. Well, I apparently badly failed a test today and it's caused quite a fight. She's been trying to get sex back into our marriage since it's been on hiatus since 2-3 years before we tied the knot 8 years ago. Today while on the phone with my brother (it's his birthday) she gave me the signal that she was "ready" and wanted me to get off the phone. Well, because my brother was upset about some things I took about one or two minutes ending the conversation...I figured that was reasonable. I met my wife in the bedroom...and she was pissed. She couldn't believe I didn't get off the phone as soon as she asked. She expected me to get off the phone THAT second. She said it was a test and I failed. She then revoked the invitation for sex. She said she wanted to see if she was more important to me than a phone call. She said that if I want to have sex then she needs to feel that she's the most important thing. To me it feels like manipulation and I feel like it was totally uncalled for for her to request sex when she knew I was unavailable...she coulda asked before I was on the phone. Actually, I'm fine with her asking when I'm on the phone, but I'm not happy that she got upset and called it off for not giving me the time to end the conversation with my brother. She feels like it's a valid test and that it further validates her thoughts that I don't put her first. We're at a standstill. I'm trying to be less passive in the relationship and put my foot down for things I feel strongly about, but it seems to get us nowhere since I'm not giving in like I usually do. She will only be happy if I apologize for not hanging up immediately and promise not to do it again. But I think that was disrespectful to me...and I feel like it was a game. She asked me if next time I'll get off the phone right away... Well, what am I going to say? It feels like she was holding sex up like a carrot but only dangling it when my mouth was already full...then pulling it away once I'd taken the time to swallow. So...after all of that...are these little tests and "review sessions" afterwards fair or just a type of manipulation? Should I just deal with the tests and give her what she wants (apologies)...basically taking one for the team? She's really convinced that she was right on this one...I'm not... Thanks... Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Wow, she sounds like a nightmare to live with. She's been trying to get sex back into our marriage since it's been on hiatus since 2-3 years before we tied the knot 8 years ago.Are you saying you haven't had sex in 11 years? Why did you get married if the sex was 'on hiatus' years before you got married? So...after all of that...are these little tests and "review sessions" afterwards fair or just a type of manipulation? Should I just deal with the tests and give her what she wants (apologies)...basically taking one for the team? She's really convinced that she was right on this one...I'm not...Her test are manipulation, and it's not passive-aggressive. It's aggressive-aggressive. Yes, after 11 years I do think it's time for you to stand up for yourself, looooong past time. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 This chick is insane. Run. Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 The right answer to the test is to say, "I don't jump when you say jump. Sorry. I was busy." The changes you're making, trying to be less passive, are causing her to test the limits with you. In the long run it is much better for you to hold your ground. That is sexy. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 You'd better beg her for your balls back. Without them, this is only going to get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Storyrider Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 You'd better beg her for your balls back. Without them, this is only going to get worse. Doesn't that beg the question? He should grab his balls back. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 She sounds like a complete nightmare. Toss her out the nearest door/window. What a ridiculous way to spend ones life, withholding sex, testing you etc. She is setting you up for fail. I would have smothered her in her sleep by now. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 I would have smothered her in her sleep by now. And I thought you were just a mostly harmless dog kicker. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Doesn't that beg the question? He should grab his balls back. Good point! I forgot to consult my balls. Link to post Share on other sites
HisLove Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 She sounds like an idiot. She's not your teacher, you're not her student. You are supposed to be EQUAL PARTNERS. Tell her you've been testing her all these years to find out if she's the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with and she has FAILED. For goodness sake, grow some spine. No wonder she disrespects you. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 lankyguy, while you might still love her, you seem to see every flaw about her. Does she have any good points? If not, why are you staying with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Make her repeat after you the following words "I'm being a little bitch and I will stop with the tests and start with the sex"... Dude she's lucky your her husband and not I, because I'd be putting her through a few tests of my own right now. Next time shes testing you and you know it fail in the most ridiculouse way. and if she tries to repremand you like your mother or something show her who's who... dude she's not going to be attracted to you at all if you keep letting her walk all over you Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 it's manipulation, flat-out, and it has no place in a healthy relationship. call her on it, and tell her that you expect to be treated with more respect than that, and she's got another think coming if she thinks this is okay Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelybird Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 it is SERIOUS manipulation. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 (edited) So...after all of that...are these little tests and "review sessions" afterwards fair or just a type of manipulation? Should I just deal with the tests and give her what she wants (apologies)...basically taking one for the team? She's really convinced that she was right on this one...I'm not... Thanks... It's surprisingly tempting to fall into that trap of taking other people's tests. Stressful as it is, someone setting you a test can feel like quite a compliment. They're interested in you. They're watching your reactions. They must have some sort of plan for you. Am I worthy or not? Will this be the test to finally give me a definitive answer?? I think that many people, if they thought closely about it, would find that they've been subconsciously flattered by/fallen prey to other people's "testing" behaviour No wonder abusive/screwed up individuals make such use of extensive "are you good enough for me?" tests. What better way to feel important and powerful than to set yourself up as The Assessor of another human being and their behaviour? As an added bonus, setting someone else a test to fail can very effectively detract attention away from your own failures and misdemeanours. I can understand why you keep sitting these tests your wife's setting for you...but as long as you keep doing it, you're letting her off the hook in addressing these destructive insecurities of hers. Not to mention her refusal to have any kind of a sex life. What she's doing is absolutely horrible, manipulative and downright abusive. I can't see any debate there...but I'm sure in all the time you've been married to her, you must have reached this point before. The point where you find yourself questioning "is this right? Is it fair?" and other people deliver a resounding "no, of course it isn't." What happens then? Do you start getting defensive and protective of your wife when other people respond to your complaints with criticism of her? Or do you let those other people's comments wind you up into an excessively confrontational state which results in you losing your temper then lapsing back into a state of paralysing guilt? For goodness sake, grow some spine. No wonder she disrespects you. That's nice. Perhaps you should grow a brain. Then you might a) merit a bit of respect, and b) actually be able to post something worth reading rather than just flexing your muscles at the expense of a poster who's spreading a sensitive problem out for strangers to peruse and comment on. Don't know if that actually helped you in any way, but this tough love thing's great fun, isn't it?!! Straight after typing that I felt twice as strong as I did before. Edited January 28, 2008 by lindya Link to post Share on other sites
Author LankyGuy Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 OK, it sounds like you guys agree on the manipulation. I could do without the balls and spine comments but I get the point. My wife actually feels that I wear the pants in the relationship, believe it or not. Yes, I did call her out on it. I told her it's disrespectful and manipulation. I asked her if she really wanted to have sex or just wanted to see if I'd jump. Trialbyfire, I do love her and she does have good qualities. This isn't just picking out a bad quality, though. This caused a fight that she wouldn't let go, and caused her to go to bed angry without saying "I love you" to me. I'm not nit picking on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Lanky I think you need a mediator (i.e., MC) on this one. You're in a Mexican standoff with your W, and it's not helping anyone. She is apparently not getting what she's doing to you. She's not playing fair. And she's not listening to you either. Maybe she'll listen to a professional. I don't know where she gets off thinking she can treat you like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 OK, it sounds like you guys agree on the manipulation. I could do without the balls and spine comments but I get the point. My wife actually feels that I wear the pants in the relationship, believe it or not. Yes, I did call her out on it. I told her it's disrespectful and manipulation. I asked her if she really wanted to have sex or just wanted to see if I'd jump. Trialbyfire, I do love her and she does have good qualities. This isn't just picking out a bad quality, though. This caused a fight that she wouldn't let go, and caused her to go to bed angry without saying "I love you" to me. I'm not nit picking on this one. I would have told her outright. "you're being ridiculous. It's my bro's b-day and he needed me to be there for him. You got mad before you even heard the reason." I think you should go to a marriage counselor and let her pick the counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LankyGuy Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 I agree. She's convinced that a MC will see her side of the story, though. I told her that anyone she talks to will say she's wrong. Phateless, I said exactly that...he was having a bad day, it was also his b-day, and I hadn't talked to him in a while. She didn't care...she still feels that I chose a conversation over her. Thanks for your input, everyone. I'm going to try to get the mess cleaned up (without giving in), but I really wanted to see what your thoughts were Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 If your wife continues on in this way, your marriage will continue to go downhill and it will end. Your wife will be responsible for that happening, but I can guarantee you she will blame it on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LankyGuy Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 Lanky I think you need a mediator (i.e., MC) on this one. You're in a Mexican standoff with your W, and it's not helping anyone. She is apparently not getting what she's doing to you. She's not playing fair. And she's not listening to you either. Maybe she'll listen to a professional. I don't know where she gets off thinking she can treat you like this. Oh she justifies it because she said she's been reading a "sex" book and I should do my part and drop the phone when she's ready for it. She also says she's love starved. It's crazy because I gave her a list of things I've always done, plus things that I've done recently and am trying to do on a daily basis to let her know that I love her. She says it's not enough and that I need to do more. Unfortunately these episodes just put more distance between us. I tell her that but she won't back down. She's hoping that by playing these games, I'll work even harder... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LankyGuy Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 If your wife continues on in this way, your marriage will continue to go downhill and it will end. Your wife will be responsible for that happening, but I can guarantee you she will blame it on you. Yes, she's already started to lay that groundwork. She's already blamed me for the majority of the problems in the marriage. I know that that will be the case. I'm trying to put my best into it so that at least I will know that I gave it my all. She really doesn't get it. It's a shame...I've been trying to deal with this stuff since we were kids and it's always the same thing. She needs to re-read Dr. Phil and these other books she's asked me to read...she's not getting it. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Lanky, To me, the marriage you describe is insane. But that's just me. Obviously, you are getting some sort of pleasure from this "arrangement", so to speak, otherwise why would you put up with the manipulation, the lack of sex for years, not to mention the complete disrespect your wife is showing? If you are deriving pleasure out of being dominated, then, OK! Like they say,"whatever floats your boat." Link to post Share on other sites
Author LankyGuy Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 OK, that one made me laugh, marlena. Thank you :-) Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 OK, that one made me laugh, marlena. Thank you :-) Glad to oblige! Seriously, I hope that somehow things improve for you but old habits die hard, my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
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