Kasan Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 Personally I've wondered if she's depressed or bipolar. Her mood swings are incredible and can happen in a matter of seconds. Very hard to live with. She does not rationalize ANYTHING. Wow! I am so sorry LG, I understand why you need to set up some boundaries with your wife's behavior, although I wonder what toll her illnesses have taken on you. To watch someone you love struggle with health issues, must be devastating. Have you both been screened for depression? Can you force the issue with your wife? I also wonder how the baby will affect your wife's moods. I wonder if your wife controls you because she feels that she has no control in her life, or over her body. I really feel for you LG, and admire you immensely for hanging in there. It hasn't been easy I am sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LankyGuy Posted February 7, 2008 Author Share Posted February 7, 2008 Actually, I realized she was diagnosed in May..surgery in June. Surrogate got pregnant in August. Thanks, it's been rough. She's been unhappy, but I've been even less happy over the years, I think. Her ilnesses haven't helped things...fortunately she's on miracle drugs. I'm not sure how the baby will affect things. We were both evaluated for an adoption in the summer and each took a 500 question screening and did fine... I think she just has issues. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 We went to an MC last night an he told her the same thing I do, although I felt it was very superficial. He knows of the verbal abuse but we didn't get into the fact that she wants to control every aspect of my life which has caused me to feel like a prisoner and live in fear of her reactions to anything I say or do. He basically told me I have to let everything go...true, but that's easier said than doen. To me, she has never deserved to be treated like a queen with her treatment of me. If I treat her like a queen it may just propagate her superiority complex. I don't know if I will ever see her as a queen....personally I don't think I look at women that way. They are equals and are flawed just like men are. Anyways, I don't even know if I will ever have feelings for her again. I told the counselor, in front of her, that I cannot stay if I continue feeling the way I do. He agreed. We talked a lot last night afterwards and I told her that for me two stay in the marriage three things have to happen. 1. She has to recognize and stop the abusive behavior patterns. 2. She has to let me be my own person and will have to deal with me, my flaws, and how it makes her feel. 3. I have to be able to have feelings for her again. I made it clear that the first two will be extremely hard for her because the behavior is in her core. I also made it clear that the last one will be extremely hard for me because of the length of the abuse. I gave her examples of how she treats me and how she rationalizes it is the same way a physically abusive husband rationalizes it. Also, I explained that as a victim I rationalize her behavior the same way a physical abuse victim does..."Oh, well she loves me but she was upset because I didn't do something right. If I make her happy, she'll stop" etc. In general I don't cry. I only cry at some funerals, but I cried all the way to work yesterday morning and I cried hard in front of her when I was telling her all of this. I am a good guy...I'm not sure how I got into a relationship with such a mean, controlling, abusive, and aggressive woman. I told her that too. She finally gets it now. She finally understands some of the reasons why she doesn't feel loved (the other reason is that she doesn't see all things that I do do for her). She finally understands why I told her "I don't feel it anymore" back in October. The question is, will she ever change and will the damage that she has done to me ever be fixed? I may never have love and respect for her again. Lanky, reading what you've written here I can see how profound an impact the thinking, discussion here and the MC has had on you. You would never have referred to your W as mean, controlling, abusive or aggressive a short while ago - you were making excuses for her behaviour, rationalising it as if it was somehow curable by your own behaviour changing. That you're now able to externalise your anger and express frustrations ABOUT her as well as TO her shows how much things have changed in this short while. But I'm sure it's been at a cost - and your description of crying bears that out. This must be an extremely difficult time for you and all I'm going to offer at this point are ((hugs)). I think you have more than enough to be reflecting on for now and I'm not going to try to congest that further. Hang in there, Lanky - you're getting there! Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Eyed Brain Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 The question is, will she ever change and will the damage that she has done to me ever be fixed? I may never have love and respect for her again. You are right.... this is the question! Can change in behavior be fixed? Can you get the love you once had for her again? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 It has been stated that bipolar disease and thyroid disease are linked. I am sure that with all of your research you knew that. Here are a couple of articles though in case not. http://thyroid.about.com/b/2005/06/16/bipolar-disorder-linked-to-thyroid-disease.htm http://www.tsh.org/disorders/specialmeds/bipolar_depression.html http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/complete-publication.shtml But knowing how you feel, this is not enough. Simply determining WHY she is what she is....that is not enough. You need to know that SHE knows why she does what she does, and you need to know that she plans on making changes whether it is medical or emotional changes. Still it is good to know what it going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LankyGuy Posted February 7, 2008 Author Share Posted February 7, 2008 LankyGuy - How are you doing? Better, worse, same? We do try to offer the best advice that we know. I hope it is helping you. Keep us posted. I'm feeling pretty depressed, honestly. Not my chipper self. The realization that I've been beaten down for so long and that I've taken it is really hard. I can't believe I got myself in such a mess and that I've put up with so much. The advice here is really helping me. It's really allowed me to look at things from a different perspective. It's allowed me to step back and take a look at what is really going on in my marriage and it's given me the information and courage to do something about it. Thanks so much... Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Eyed Brain Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 LankyGuy - This forum helps me too. I, too, have learned a lot from the LS population that has been there before. It's not so much "misery loves company" but rather "learn from the mistakes of others." I've learned so much about my marriage and the lack thereof since I've been prowling this forum. It's interesting how we accept what we don't know hurts us. We go through life with blinders on and one day wake up to see everything is not rose colored. I've decided that I was no longer going to take/give into my husbands issues, insecurities and living in the fear of his actions. I've learned that I am in control of me and my actions that this makes me feel good. I'd rather be by myself for the right reasons than to be with someone for the wrong ones..... Link to post Share on other sites
Deanster Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 (edited) Hi LankyGuy - I just have two quick items to share. The first is this marital truism for those with 'snappish' wives (like me): No matter what you do, you're going to get snapped at, yelled at, told you did it wrong. Therefore, you might as well do what YOU want, in the way you want, and then you're at least getting yelled at for something you chose because it worked for you. The worst of all possible worlds is to twist yourself into knots and try to do it the way that will 'make her happy' (keep her from telling you you failed), and then failing anyway. And you always will be told you failed, because that's how the game works. Take a little time, figure out how YOU want to do things, then do them that way. If you get told you're wrong, you still did it the way you wanted to do it. Might as well be hung for a wolf as a sheep... #2 is that you might read 'The Way of the Superior Man' by David Dieda. http://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/1591792576/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203482134&sr=8-1 It has a couple excellent chapters on the ways women 'test' men to find the boundaries of their confidence in their plans and intentions. I don't subscribe 100% (or even 75%) to the author's vision of relationships, but it did more than anything else I've encountered to help me think through what I thought relationships should/could be, and what I wanted, and ways to think about and manage my wife's behaviors around that. Good luck, and remember that there's nothing in life stronger than knowing what you want. Edited February 20, 2008 by Deanster Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 (edited) Lanky, I haven't read through the whole of your thread yet, but reading your first post made the hair on the back of my neck stand up... My H had the same deal going, until the day I decided 'wrong answer' was THE wrong answer and filed for divorce. This is an abusive person and whatever else is going on in your M , is not indicative of a healthy relationship at all. I wish you all the best with dealing with it. Edited February 20, 2008 by Lookingforward typo =) Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 LankyGuy - have you left this psychotic mess of a woman yet? You're not old. It's time to go out and start your life. I honestly feel as though my life BEGAN when my ex broke up with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 We went to an MC last night an he told her the same thing I do, although I felt it was very superficial. He knows of the verbal abuse but we didn't get into the fact that she wants to control every aspect of my life which has caused me to feel like a prisoner and live in fear of her reactions to anything I say or do. He basically told me I have to let everything go...true, but that's easier said than doen. To me, she has never deserved to be treated like a queen with her treatment of me. If I treat her like a queen it may just propagate her superiority complex. I don't know if I will ever see her as a queen....personally I don't think I look at women that way. They are equals and are flawed just like men are. Anyways, I don't even know if I will ever have feelings for her again. I told the counselor, in front of her, that I cannot stay if I continue feeling the way I do. He agreed. We talked a lot last night afterwards and I told her that for me two stay in the marriage three things have to happen. 1. She has to recognize and stop the abusive behavior patterns. 2. She has to let me be my own person and will have to deal with me, my flaws, and how it makes her feel. 3. I have to be able to have feelings for her again. I made it clear that the first two will be extremely hard for her because the behavior is in her core. I also made it clear that the last one will be extremely hard for me because of the length of the abuse. I gave her examples of how she treats me and how she rationalizes it is the same way a physically abusive husband rationalizes it. Also, I explained that as a victim I rationalize her behavior the same way a physical abuse victim does..."Oh, well she loves me but she was upset because I didn't do something right. If I make her happy, she'll stop" etc. In general I don't cry. I only cry at some funerals, but I cried all the way to work yesterday morning and I cried hard in front of her when I was telling her all of this. I am a good guy...I'm not sure how I got into a relationship with such a mean, controlling, abusive, and aggressive woman. I told her that too. She finally gets it now. She finally understands some of the reasons why she doesn't feel loved (the other reason is that she doesn't see all things that I do do for her). She finally understands why I told her "I don't feel it anymore" back in October. The question is, will she ever change and will the damage that she has done to me ever be fixed? I may never have love and respect for her again. Get out get out get out!!!!! You have noooooooo idea how much better life can be without this garbage. It makes me sad... Link to post Share on other sites
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