ronin82 Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 So.. My parents were physically and emotinally abusive of me growing up. As with most victims I have a hard time with trusting people and getting close in relationships. But I never told any of the girls i have been involved with of this, so my emotional withdrawal from them at times, off course must have seemed weird, often ending a relationship before it really began. Now im working really hard on opening up to all the painfull memories, and take a chance on opening myself emotionally. I've just begun dating this girl, and feel great with her and i hope likewise. I just can't figure out if i should tell her of my problems or not, and if yes, when? We havent had sex yet, but that will happen soon, so im not sure i want to dump this **** on her right after we've gotten into bed. On the other hand i really dont want to tell her now and risk ruining the chemistry by forcing her to be a friend before she becomes a lover. Should i just hold back until ive worked through these issues more, or can her attraction to me survive having to deal with being involved in this early on? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 So.. I just can't figure out if i should tell her of my problems or not, and if yes, when? IMO, she should be told when you trust her. This may be tomorrow, it may be a few weeks. But she does need to know. On the other hand i really dont want to tell her now and risk ruining the chemistry by forcing her to be a friend before she becomes a lover. I am puzzled here....a good relationship is based on friendship not sex. Why would you be afraid to have her as your friend before you have sex with her? Personally, IMO, relationships based on sex cannot last. Start out as a good friendship then move to more intimacy. The longer you wait to tell her, the harder it will be for you. The longer you wait makes it actually harder for her. Having said that, too soon is not good if she proves not to be whom you want to be with for the long term. Should i just hold back until ive worked through these issues more, or can her attraction to me survive having to deal with being involved in this early on? This depends on her and you. It may be that she freaks and leaves, or it may be that she feels more bonded to you. Either way it is going to be a part of you that she will need to get to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Fun2BMe Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 (edited) I think you are identifying too strongly with the abuse and choosing to make that a big part of who you are TODAY and identifying so strongly to it, instead of putting it in the past and not allowing it to affect you. Why are you carrying it around and wanting to dump it on your new relationship instead of not giving it any more energy and putting it behind you??? It's your CHOICE if you want to continue being a victim or be strong and say that was BS and now you are a strong adult who is not going to let it hang onto them. Let go of it and start fresh with this relationship without the baggage and rehashing of the past unless you really want to continue going over it again and again for the rest of your life with each new partner, as if expecting them to change what happened or relive it with you or whatever you think the benefit will be to tell her. But if you haven't been able to put it behind you then you need to be in therapy I think so that you can let it out and tell your therapist about it instead of the person who you are in a relationship with who is not trained to deal with it and can't help you put it behind you, which is something you obviously haven't done yet. Since you still are suffering from the abuse, I think you have to tell her not necessarily what the abuse was but simply that you are not able to emotionally commit to her since you are still suffering from the affects from the abuse and let her decide if she wants to deal with it. THat's the responsible thing to do, before you get her physically and emotionally invested then break the news to her. Edited January 30, 2008 by Fun2BMe Link to post Share on other sites
Author ronin82 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Share Posted January 31, 2008 Thanks for your replies! Well, its actually only recently ive accepted that i was in an abusive family and remembering again, so im starting therapy next week. I think theres no real use of dumping this on her, when as you say she is not trained to this. This stuff takes over a lot of my thinking, but i think no matter what, its better to go on, regardless, than to struggle alone. Link to post Share on other sites
hippyvic Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 Be truthful with her, it sounds like she is worth her weight in gold and will understand all you have been through. Link to post Share on other sites
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