Jilly10340 Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 What would you all consider grounds for backing out as someone's maid of honor in their wedding? I'm soooo close to saying "see ya" but it almost feels like the ultimate insult to back out when you already said that you would do it. Advice, anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 What would you all consider grounds for backing out as someone's maid of honor in their wedding? I'm soooo close to saying "see ya" but it almost feels like the ultimate insult to back out when you already said that you would do it. Advice, anyone? What are YOUR grounds for doing this? And how soon is the wedding? Link to post Share on other sites
klee Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 What did your friend do? Is she acting like Bridezilla? Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 If your reason is good enough to not keep your word..... then why not share it? Bride to be attempting to have sex with my H..... good reason to back out. Bride to be telling me I have to pay for things I cannot afford, nor was aware of when I took on the role of MOH...... good reason to back out. Not liking what is to be served for a meal at the wedding..... not a good reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 The closer to the wedding, the more anxious and nervous the bride gets, so if it's just that she's acting "out of her usual nice self" then perhaps you can forgive and just have a happy celebration with the bride and her groom. But it would be better to back out rather than undertake such an important role with hidden (or not-so-hidden) resentment and animosity -- it'll be even tougher to hide your true feelings on their big day, and that would be the ultimate insult to her (and him), IMO. If you can post some details of what has you frustrated and upset, you may be able to receive more valuable insight and/or info...hopefully also from brides and maids of honour with similar experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jilly10340 Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 For one, she is a friend of my fiance'. I think I hung out with her maybe...twice? before agreeing to be her maid of honor. She asked me to be her MOH because she said she didn't know anyone else in the area and she hadn't talked to her best friend in a couple months, nor could she find her to contact her. So basically....I was her only option. Me, naive as I am, had NO idea that with the MOH role, I had to PAY for her bachelorette party/wedding shower. Upon finding this out, I thought that I neither knew her enough nor liked her enough to dish out that kind of money. But, to be as good as my word, I continued to agree to it....now she's just being ridiculously rude. Examples: Upon finding out that the color for my wedding was going to be victorian lilac (which is only a different shade of her color which is lilac) she made the comment that if she lost a lot of her boobs then she could just fit into my dress that I'm wearing for her wedding. She made that comment when she was in my wedding, and after that I told her I decided I just wanted family to be my bridesmaids. Other than that, I bought my bridesmaid dress for her wedding in August, a couple days ago she decided that none of the other girls wanted to wear purple so she told me to go exchange my dress (at a davids bridal about an hour away from my apartment) and get a yellow dress to match the other girls. They will exchange it, but if the new dress is cheaper than my original dress, I'm out the difference. I have NO idea what's going on with her wedding, I barely hear from her or see her, which makes the whole planning process for the parties very difficulties. The last time I saw her was in August. I don't even know if the actual wedding is going to happen. It's four months until the wedding, and she's just now trying to throw it all together. She can't pay her deposits for anything because they have no money, and she has no job. Finally, I hate disorganization. It's stressing me out and it's her wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 If I were you I would make it clear to her that I was doing her a favor, therefore none of the traditional demands made on the maid of honor should be put on your shoulders. Paying for the bridal shower? Give me a break, whose rule is that? Every bridal shower I've ever been to was paid for by the bride, or the mother of the bride. I'm just saying. She needs to be aware that you are doing HER a favor, not vice versa, and she should really carefully take that into consideration when asking you to do anything for her. JMO. I'm just saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 First, it's not your responsibility to PAY for her Bachelorette Party. NO WAY man! Everyone who goes contributes their own share, and chips in a bit extra to cover the bride. The MOH is responsible for organizing it and sending out invites and the like, and perhaps getting some cheezy favors, but certainly not paying for the entire thing. That's just crazy talk! Same thing goes for the shower. You plan and host it, but you don't necessarily pay for the entire thing. You could have it at your house, and ask all of the guests to bring a treat of some sort. You'd be responsible for decorations, plates/silverware, coming up with a theme, maybe some stupid games, etc., but that's it. Who else is in her wedding? Link to post Share on other sites
Zolie Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Same thing goes for the shower. You plan and host it, but you don't necessarily pay for the entire thing. You could have it at your house, and ask all of the guests to bring a treat of some sort. You'd be responsible for decorations, plates/silverware, coming up with a theme, maybe some stupid games, etc., but that's it. <<You'd be responsible for decorations, plates/silverware, coming up with a theme>> Agreed, except even those items cost a lot, too! Party decor and paper goods are not cheap these days. Nor is a centerpiece and/or cake. In my neck of the woods a centerpiece or cake can cost well over a hundred dollars. I should know - I've spent a pretty penny giving various wedding and baby showers over the years! Jilly, I'm thinking you have every right to gracefully bow out of this wedding party, based on what you have said. But if you can't bow out, I would definitely tell her you do not know her well enough to foot the bill for all of these activities. It might create tension, but you shouldn't have to dish out funds for a situation like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jilly10340 Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 I think a couple of her other friends are in the wedding, definately people that she's known a lot longer than me. I wrote her an email that says this: Also, and I'm just checking, but are you sure you want me to be the maid of honor? I just don't really hear from you or see you very often and I'm kind of in the dark about what exactly I'm supposed to be doing or how the whole wedding planning thing is going. I was just thinking that if you see any of the other girls more, like abby or melissa, it might be a better idea for one of the them to do it to make the whole planning process easier because pretty soon the bachelorette/wedding shower is going to have to be planned and I have NO idea what I'm supposed to do for those. She hasn't written me back yet, and email seems to be the only way I can reach her. Everytime she needs to tell me something, she calls my fiance and has him relay the message (which he's getting really sick of) He keeps giving her my number, but she's always calling him. I have no idea why she can't call me herself. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 If I were you I would make it clear to her that I was doing her a favor, therefore none of the traditional demands made on the maid of honor should be put on your shoulders. Paying for the bridal shower? Give me a break, whose rule is that?. Exactly what I was thinking! First, it's not your responsibility to PAY for her Bachelorette Party. NO WAY man! Everyone who goes contributes their own share, and chips in a bit extra to cover the bride. The MOH is responsible for organizing it and sending out invites and the like, and perhaps getting some cheezy favors, but certainly not paying for the entire thing. That's just crazy talk! I certainly hope so, I am not footing the bill for my own bachelorette wine trail! She sounds like a bit of a nightmare, and exactly the reason why we are trying to keep our wedding as low key as possible. Who are the "other girls"? How come neither of them are maid of honour if they have enough clout to decide the colour of the dresses can change without even consulting you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jilly10340 Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 I think she asked me to be her MOH because I was the first to hear about the engagement, and the first one she talked to about it. And aside from that, she kind of "told" me that I would be her MOH, and I didn't put up a lot of fuss because I wasn't aware I was supposed to be party planning. She told me through email, kind of something like: I can't get ahold of stacy (her best friend) to ask her to be my maid of honor, so if I don't her from her in a couple of weeks, tag...you're it! Seriously, that's how she "asked" me. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 She hasn't written me back yet, and email seems to be the only way I can reach her. Everytime she needs to tell me something, she calls my fiance and has him relay the message (which he's getting really sick of) He keeps giving her my number, but she's always calling him. I have no idea why she can't call me herself. Are you kidding me? when I was maid of honour for one of my best schoolfriends, we lived in different hemispheres for most of the pre-wedding planning part, and we still managed to talk on the phone and text/email/ IM eachother ALL the time about it Maid of honour is supposed to signify you are someone important in the brides life. My "unofficial" MOH is my friend who I have know since I was 11. If this woman can't even bother to text you, I would be having doubts too.. If I was her, I would rather have ONE bridesmaid than scrape together people I hardly knew (no offense Jilly) It sounds to me she wants to delegate tasks because she is too lazy/ cheap / disorganised to do it herself. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Bail...... First of all who asks someone you have met or "hung out with " twice to be the MOH? SKETCHY Hell my friend of eon's was my MOH I did that because it meant that I trusted her.... it was to honor her, not to pay for one lick of anything for me. I got her a gift for participating and helping out with some errands. 1 hour or so of errands..... that is it. This wedding crap and shower, party, it is out of control...... Just say no to wedding BS. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 It's definitely a very challenging job, to do this for someone whom you barely know and what you know of her, you don't seem to like! She is INCORRECT about how you have to host a shower. Certainly, it's nice and charming and always correct to do so if you wish. However, it is clearly incorrect for her to order you to perform in this way. According to Miss Manners, "...The only mandatory duties of a maid of honor are to hold the bride’s bouquet during the ceremony and to hold her hand at any time before the ceremony that she entertains doubts about the marriage. Showers and errands are at her discretion, and should not be subject to demands by the bride..." If I were you, I would write her a lovely letter apologizing about how you obviously are not fit for the role she has in mind and are therefore declining the honor. No need to be sarcastic, just polite and crystal clear. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 It's not too late to get out of this. Let her know straight away, this is way too exhausting for you, way too disorganized and your life isn't set up for that right now. Sure, she'll be pissed but what can she do. It's much better to tell her now than to wait. You have absolutely nothing to lose and a lot of peace of mind to gain. Call her now! Link to post Share on other sites
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