Urgent. I'm a fool. If you're on, reply?

[zilverenvlinder]

So many of you know the story about my fiance. He is a cheater and a liar. The last seven months he has been trying to regain my trust. This means no My Space, and me keeping tabs on his phone, et cetera. I never had to do this before the situation.

 

But it was with one girl...one skanky, whorish girl, let's call her Lisa... and consisted of three nights (that I know about) of them screwing and numerous My Space messages I found about how crazy they were about each other.

 

Imagine my nausea when I discovered everything in the same day, by a little gut feeling implanting my brain with his password. (Yes, I honestly woke up that day and it was like being schizophrenic...I actually heard someone telling me his password in my sleep.)

 

So. To make a long story short, he begged for my forgiveness, called Lisa and told her they were no longer to speak to each other, and I told him the only way I would forgive him was to never contact her or reply to her messages again.

 

Seven months go by, no reason for distrust. I took him back like a damned fool the first time, because I really thought no one would ever want to marry me again honestly, and have used my superspy computer gadgets to detect every move he has made online. (A little porn here and there, no weird cell phone calls, that's it, no big deal.)

 

Then, knowing that I knew how to use my computer to find out his history on it, he went to visit his guy friend yesterday. It seems he took this opportunity to go on his FRIEND's my space and intentionally emailed Lisa with:

 

"Hey, just wanted to say hi. Sorry about all the crap between us. Just wanted to say hi. Hope everything is going well." That's it.

 

Obviously, he's retarded and doesn't know that I have his password. So I just got off the phone with him, (h'es working), and explained very rationally and calmly of what I've read, and that this was heart breaking and disturbing, and he has erased what trust I have built for seven months.

 

It is official, now. I will not marry this man. I have six months left for our townhouse lease. I am wondering if it would be sane and rational of me to spend the extra $500 it would take to break it. (I am pretty poor.)

 

I am very seriously considering staying at my dad and stepmom's house tonight because I'm afraid I will kill him when he walks in the door.

 

Am I being an idiot? Was it too much of me to ask that, in order for me to trust and stay with him, that he not have any contact with this person? I realize I was a fool the first time I took him back, but hey...fool me twice...so it's shame on me this time.

 

The good thing is, all element of surprise is over after what happened last summer. So I don't feel the stinging nauseating shock anymore. Just anger and repulsion.

 

Please help me with what to do guys. Am I overreacting? What is your personal advice with what I should do? All outlooks would be so well appreciated right now.

[sally4sara]

You are not over reacting. Cut him loose. No more having question him, check up on him, or making demands you never should've had to make in the first place.

[Florida]

I hope you leave this guy for good Z.

Reading your posts, you are a smart woman, and you KNEW this would happen.

Maybe you needed to give him a second chance, but now you know that he is fully capable of doing it again.

 

Why would he care about some skank he boinked behind your back to send a nice message?

 

Why? I'll tell you why-he LIVES for deception, getting esteem wherever he can grab it.

 

Oh, Mr. Charming has to make sure all his ladies are happy.

 

He will keep going more underground with all this, trying to outsmart you every time you catch him.

 

Your life will become one of just watching and waiting for the next betrayal.

 

Your life isn't a dress rehearsal, this won't get better, no one but you willl make it stop.

 

Are you really going to leave him Z? Because we know you can do SOOOO much better. You can, you can, don't for a minute believe you can't.

[a4a]

Go stay at your parents. Or ask him to go to this Lisa's home.

 

Don't do anything stupid, don't even speak to him. He will simply lie and entangle you in more BS.

 

Actions....... are more important than words.

[zilverenvlinder]

Florida, I really appreciate you not reminding me how foolish I am. LOL. You're a sweetheart. And you are soooo right about "Mr Charming" needing to "keep his ladies happy". It's funny because you know who I'm talking about, there are millions of them in the world and they are all the same.

 

a4a, he already tried to entangle me in his web of lies. Ha! After he found out he was caught, it took him ten whole minutes to come up with, "I was just testing you to see if you would check up on me!"

 

For Christ's sake!

 

sally, that would be relieving wouldn't it.

[Florida]

(Yes, I honestly woke up that day and it was like being schizophrenic...I actually heard someone telling me his password in my sleep.)

 

That is your guardian angel, use it or lose it!

 

I am wondering if it would be sane and rational of me to spend the extra $500 it would take to break it. (I am pretty poor.)

 

I am very seriously considering staying at my dad and stepmom's house tonight because I'm afraid I will kill him when he walks in the door.

 

 

$500 or your self esteem and sanity...

A4A and S4S are right, leave him, go to your parent's house, never look back.

[whichwayisup]

Well, he obviously didn't think contacting her would be a big deal, so he snuck off to say hello...Sadly, now he has live with consquences. Oh well.

 

I am sorry that he did this to you, but better now than 2 years from now. Imagine being married and having a baby with him and THEN finding out that he was intouch with Lisa again.

 

He is the fool, HE is the idiot. I mean, he wanted to say sorry to her? "Hey, just wanted to say hi. Sorry about all the crap between us. Just wanted to say hi. Hope everything is going well." And what would have happened if she replied back...... Anyway, doesn't matter now, he lost out.

[SueBee3490]

Imagine my nausea when I discovered everything in the same day, by a little gut feeling implanting my brain with his password. (Yes, I honestly woke up that day and it was like being schizophrenic...I actually heard someone telling me his password in my sleep.)

 

Zilver - this also happened to me. You are the first person (that I can think of) that has actually said something which was very similar to my situation. When I found out, I was at work, my H was at home waiting on his truck to be fixed. Something kept telling me to "call home". It was as you said - it seemed like a voice. Well when I called home, that's when I discovered he was on the computer (which he said he never was), which then lead to me checking up on him and the whole can of worms opened up with all his cheating. So Florida may be right - maybe those voices were our guardian angels - they knew once they put that bug in our ear, we would find out what kind of person we are with.

 

And....you are not an idiot and you are not overreacting. You are a very smart woman. I wouldn't marry him either at this point - I would probably end the relationship altogether. You put your trust back in him and he violated it. I wish my guardian angel had warned me before marrying my guy but he/she couldn't because I only found out about him being on the computer and cheating after we married & moved in together (using the same computer). When he was doing on his cheating while dating me, we lived in separate houses. As I said in the paragraph above, someone distinctly said to "phone home" - maybe it was ET (I'm showing my age now!)

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

wow...recently my ex confessed to mi that sum gurl(who is a dirty-whore-dick-sucking-slut)had kissed him, he said sorry and everything and kept asking mi if we were ok...then i tell him to not talk to her no more and he said he was her friend and he wasnt going to stop being her friend..i told him "why be with a person who u cheated on mi with"...well the other nite like 2 days ago i sneaked out of my house just to go see him and we went to denis to eat...the whole time he was on the phone texting (supposedly it was his brother)...we didnt even get to order the food and i had his fone when dat bitch texted him ( i had memorized her fone number from the other day) and i was pissed i am even getting a ticket because i didnt even notice i was speeding up when i saw a flash when i went through a traaffic light, and well i dumped his ass...... for the passed 2 or 3 days since dat happened he has not came to school nd now hes "sick" at home and smoking MORE THAN EVER!! and taking extacys.....hes nothing without me...lol

 

i was a dumbass for that atleast at first he "listened to u nd stopped talking to that otha slut when u told him to....but iunno its just for the pussy that he might look for her....dun believe any of his lies no more....once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater....ONCE a liar ALWAYS a liar...lol

Edited January 29, 2008 by Da_1_n_OnlyN3na

[Audg1964]

Zilver - this also happened to me. You are the first person (that I can think of) that has actually said something which was very similar to my situation. When I found out, I was at work, my H was at home waiting on his truck to be fixed. Something kept telling me to "call home". It was as you said - it seemed like a voice. Well when I called home, that's when I discovered he was on the computer (which he said he never was), which then lead to me checking up on him and the whole can of worms opened up with all his cheating. So Florida may be right - maybe those voices were our guardian angels - they knew once they put that bug in our ear, we would find out what kind of person we are with.

 

And....you are not an idiot and you are not overreacting. You are a very smart woman. I wouldn't marry him either at this point - I would probably end the relationship altogether. You put your trust back in him and he violated it. I wish my guardian angel had warned me before marrying my guy but he/she couldn't because I only found out about him being on the computer and cheating after we married & moved in together (using the same computer). When he was doing on his cheating while dating me, we lived in separate houses. As I said in the paragraph above, someone distinctly said to "phone home" - maybe it was ET (I'm showing my age now!)

 

Call it women's intution, psychic ability, your guardian angel - but whatever it is, it was meant to be. Happens to me all of the time. It's not sciophrenia (sp?)

[hearts chanel]

you're definitely not over reacting.

 

my only concern is, if you kept tabs on him for seven months and still thought that he was who you want to marry... i mean, what were you thinking?? that's obviously not a healthy relationship. so he cheated and promised never to do it again... if you can't trust him without keepting tabs and knowing for sure that he's not cheating again, then how could you ever be happy?

 

i honestly think that you just don't want to let go because you're afraid of being alone... and i know you're saying you're not going to take him back anymore and i really hope you don't. no matter how hard it is not to, you're better off without him.

[JenniiMichelle]

Nope, I dont think your overreacting at all. My ex boyfriend and I just broke up because he continued to talk to his ex girlfriend. he swore on our unborn child and on his mothers life that he was not cheating, and that he hasnt seen her and that he wont talk to her. Tears and everything. I even got a keylogger on the computer to see every key he typed...and when I was starting to trust him again, I got naked pics of his ex girlfriend and I found out that they were still talking and he finally confessed that hes seen her this year! not only that but the night before he came in the room to give me kisses and massages after using my phone to send and recieve the naughty pics! so many months of him promising that they were just friends... I feel stupid.

 

Im thinking now that if men dont feel guilty when they are cheating, then if they think they wont get caught, they will do it because they are only sorry when they get caught. and time will go by and they will do it again. I still have a hard time letting go though, I wish I could trust him again but now I know I cant.

[connerb]

The only thing that you need to be concerned with right now is how you feel. If you feel like ****, then there's a reason for it. That reason (as awful as it may sound now) is your soon-to-be-ex-SO. First thing you need to do is just stop everything. He is a liar and a cheat. These things will not change. Realize this. You deserve better. You deserve your sanity. A healthy relationship should not consist of you having to spy on or feel like you need to spy on your boyfriend / fiancee / husband. There should be a mutual respect that is shared by both of you. He has broken this trust and, if you keep him around, he will do it again. Ask yourself, do you really want to have to police your boyfriend? He's not a child, he's a grown man and he needs to act like it. It's not your job to make him realize this. It was his parents and if he didn't learn it growing up then maybe this will help him learn that there's a right way to treat the people who care about you and there's a wrong way. If you treat the people in your life like crap then that's what the universe is going to give back to you. Trust me, he'll get his. And it won't be pretty. But, in the meantime, you have to focus on just you. What I would recommend doing is cut off all communication immediately. They usually freak out about this and it makes them want you more. But, here's the key, you can't let him back in. You've given him two shots and he screwed up. He'll only do it again. Second, I would say, get the hell out of the house. I understand not wanting to part with 500 bucks, but if you have family you can stay with, do it. These are the people you trust, they are the people who will love you no matter what. They are your rock. Spend as much time as possible around them right now. Concentrate on getting back to you. Tell yourself you love yourself. You are absolutely and eternally wonderful and you deserve all of the good things in life. And good things will happen. The Universe responds to the energy you send out. Self love is the most important love you can have. This ass treats you like a rag. Treat him like one. It's time to throw him away.

 

Been there, done that. There's no other way. My two cents anyway.

[dbtmarley]

Damn I think you handled that very well. I agree with the others dump him and move on and don't do anything to get yourself in trouble.

[Spoonandfork22]

get out of here. this guy obviously cant keep his thoughts or heart where they are supposed to be. had this problem with a guy before, said he just never had closure. so i told him he can go get some closure and tell her he was single too because i was out. and you know what? BEST DECISION I EVER MADE. hard, yes, but looking back i cannot even FATHOM that i dealt with half of the crap i did. i feel youll do the same.

 

talk to your parents, see if they cant help you. they must understand this situation and for your own sanity i think that you should get out of there so he cant talk you into staying with him. a person doesnt change until they want to and it doesnt sound like he does AT ALL.

 

i wish you the best of luck.

[Ocean-Blue]

I echo the sentiments of the other posters.

 

End the relationship ASAP. He cheated on you and you gave him a second chance. Does he not know how rare this is? Most people would've hung him out to dry...but you gave him another shot. And he blew it.

 

What does he owe her anyway? Who cares how she's feeling or doing. You should've been priority.

 

Whether or not he's cheating now or may cheat is no longer an issue. He has betrayed your trust, and no amount of rebuilding will ever really get it back, will it?

[Cad Rake]

Am I overreacting?

 

Of course you are! You should let him cheat on you, silly.

[vivrantflo]

Life is so messed up. I made the choice to cheat once, and regret that selfish action every day, and with EVERY fibre of my being.. and would do ANYTHING for a second chance.. now 14 months after the incident. Havent dated for 14 months cause I STILL love her and want her back.

 

This goof didn't realize how damn lucky he was to be blessed with a second chance, only to screw it up again.

 

I don't get it.

[Cad Rake]

yikes man get over it. If you had her back you'd cheat again. She knows it, you know it, and I know it. Go get another girl's pants off already.

[vivrantflo]

See, I've read your posts around here... and you're nothing but an arrogant loser...

 

I actually have feelings of regret for what I've done.. I'm not going to date anyone while I'm not over my ex.. and you don't know what counselling and experiences I've had in the last 14 months...

 

so for you to assume that I would do it again, cause im just a "cheater" makes you even more of a loser than I already thought you were.

[Cad Rake]

ad hominem attacks are always an excellent rebuttal

[zilverenvlinder]

Jennii...holy crap. That story of yours is totally the turning point. Obviously we were in the same situation. And obviously my SO cannot be trusted, and will probably do the same thing to me. 99 percent sure. You have completely sealed the deal for me. I am out of here.

[stillafool]

I say leave him alone today! Break it off. You are going to spend the rest of your life checking up on him and who has time for that. I wouldn't call the other girl a slut though because afterall he is the one who sought her out. I would just leave him alone if I were you, forget him and go no contact. Move on with your life as you have wasted too much of it on this guy already.