I don't know what to do

[Michiganagain]

My wife and I have been married for 7 years and the sex is great. The frequency, however, has been low since we graduated from college a year before we got married and moved to North Carolina. Prior to the move, we were making love 3-5 times a week. Now, 2 times a month is the norm.

 

I love my wife dearly and would do ANYTHING to make her happy. I am very focused on giving her sexual pleasure. I live for her orgasms and she rarely doesn't experience at least one orgasm per encounter. I know them not to be fake. I ask her what I can do to make her sexual experience better and she always says it's perfect. I ask her to give me detailed feedback as to how I can improve oral sex (what feels good and what doesn't). She tells me everthing I do feels good.

 

I know women are different, but it's hard for me to understand how she can't want sex more frequently if she enjoys it like she says she does.

 

This is how I view myself. I am in good physical shape and have a muscular body. I could use to lose about 5 lbs, but I eat right and excercise. I am 6 feet tall and consider myself to be better than average looking.

 

Although I'm not the best domestic helper, I do help out with a lot of the daily chores. I vacuum, sweep, do dishes, laundry and pick up among other things (my wife does to the majority of the household duties). She is a stay at home mom and I am self employed having recently moved my office home.

 

I spend quality time with the kids. We have two kids (6 and 2 1/2). They are wonderful kids and we enjoy being with them all the time.

 

She has put on some weight through the years (maybe 10-15 lbs. overweight), but I have never said anything to her about it and I even contradict her when she says her butt is fat.

 

To top all this off, I am currently in a moderate depression fueled by sexual frustration and business being slow. I don't think my wife understands depression and would rather me be away from her so my bad attitude doesn't rub off on her. I feel so hurt and alone.

 

I know that this post is sketchy and may portray me as a saint (I'm not) and my wife as cold (she's not), but can someone shine some light on my situation?

[Carly]

Uh, once every two weeks for a mother of two young kids is pretty good. Research shows that frequency of sex for stay at home moms of young kids can be, uh, infrequent (Can you believe that there are respectable sex psychologists who make a living out of asking people these things, and then actually publish their findings in journals?!).

 

Are you sexually frustrated with once every two weeks, or are you just worried that it isn't often enough, by community standards? If it's the latter, relax. Good chance that none of the other husbands of stay-at-home mommies in your neighborhood are getting it any more often than you are. Why, they could even get jealous of you...

 

Consider yourself lucky!

[Michiganagain]

I do consider myself lucky to have my wife in a lot of ways, but the infrequency alone can drive me into a depression. It's a roller-coaster ride for me that can effect my work and family's happiness. I could care less what others' views are on frequency and I never share this information (except for here and now).

 

The fact of the matter is the frequency was the same a year before we got married which was over 2 years before our first child.

 

To clarify, 2 times a month is a good month in comparison to our average.

 

I have never had sexual thoughts about another woman (yes, I am a man), but I fear there may be in the future if nothing changes. A life without my wife isn't an option for me, but if there were infidelity, we would separate.

 

Still lost.

[Carly]

OK, I'm getting it now. Sounds like this is definitely more than just wanting to "keep up with the Joneses." I just thought to bring it up because sometimes when spouses find out that their sex life is normal for their circumstances, then they don't worry about it anymore and start feeling better.

 

But as you say, the problem with you and your wife sounds more complex than that. And as you say, you are also feeling depressed. Deprssion has a sinister way of distorting our problems to the point where we just can't see our way through them on our own. Have you thought about seeking professional help? I know, I know, it could get embarrassing to talk to your doctor about these things. But hey, that's what they're paid for, and whatever you do say, he has probably heard much worse. So go ahead, make an appointment and see what happens.

 

Let us know how things progress.

 

Good luck.

[Reckless]

It seems to me that, much as you love your wife there are issues and problems that are spilling over into the bedroom. The very fact that your here, seeking answers instead of sitting down and talking to your wife seems to indicate that communication might not be all it should be.

 

I'm not condemning you (it's commendable that you are making a sincere effort to find answers) but you said yourself that you are feeling 'hurt and alone' that she doesn't understand your state of mind and you are depressed over your present work situation and of course deeply confused and resentful about the lack of sexual contact. Do you think that she, like you might have issues and problems that may consciously or subconsciously be dampening her desire?

 

As the previous post says, mothers of young children often go through a slump in desire and women in general find it difficult to feel totally attractive with 10-15 extra pounds of fat on our bodies regardless of what our men might say. Whatever the case, there seems to be a serious rift in communication between you and you cannot possibly know how she is feeling and remedy it without a frank discussion. She could be just plain exhausted, she could find having you around the house (for work) all day stifling, she could be equally depressed or resentful over some other emotional, financial or sexual issue you know nothing about, she could have a medical condition that results in a lack of desire... whatever the case, it seems that the 'emotional charge' in your home is rather negative, and as a woman I can say that if I am feeling sad and alone (you cannot possibly be the only one in your union feeling this way) it is very difficult, if not impossible to feel very sexual.

 

Over and above the natural decrease in sexual desire that seems to happen over the years in marriages (some say about 1% per year - I read that in a book once - evening out after about 5/6 years..) the apparent lack of sexual compatibility is probably a damaging symptom of some deeper illness, so talk about it before it gets any worse and you can see if you both need outside help to work things out....

[HokeyReligions]

I agree with what everyone else has said, so I won't repeat their advice. The only thing I will add is that it is normal for a couple to have different degrees of desire, and for that to change often. There are innumerable outside influences (physical, emotional, stress, etc.) that will impact the sex drive every single day.

 

If you are feeling depressed - go to your doctor. You need to communicate with your wife.

 

On a personal note: my husband and I have not had sex in over a dozen years. Our marriage and love for each other has never been stronger. What started out as one person's inability to or desire to have sex, became a decision to abstain even though we are capable of physically having a sexual relationship. It's not something we feel we need to remain together or to be happy. I only said that to say this: You must communicate with each other and you must decide where sex is in your priorities for a life-long marriage. You may be surprised where sex is in your wife's priority list compared to where it is in your list. This is where communication/ real understanding/ and compromise comes into play and you may both need some counseling to help you with this.

 

Good luck.

[Michiganagain]

Why would you ever abstain from sex when you are married? Did you both used to enjoy sex? Do you view sex as being evil? Just curious.

[Michiganagain]

I do appreciate everyone's advice and I am taking it all in. I do agree with you Carly about counseling. I am a proponent of speaking with a non-biased third party, but my wife has always had a problem with talking about sex with me. She has shown disinterest in the past when I suggested making an appointment with a trained psychologist. Not to mention money is extremely tight since the slow down in business.

 

I have been trying to get her to open up to me and share with me her feelings on the subject. While always hesitant, she is sharing little tidbits at a time now.

 

She emphasized what Carly originally said about the kids and not wanting to be touched sometimes at the end of the day.

 

She also pointed out the difference between college and now is the courting period. While we did spend all our free time together in college, we were also going out to bars, writing letter and studying together. Worries were at a minimum.

 

She also is angry about our cyclical financial dilema (not at me, but the situation).

 

The problem I have now is I don't want her to feel that I am doing any particular thing to get her in the sack. It is demeaning to her I know, but the truth is a big part of the reason will be that I want to make love to her. And I hate that I have this guilt associated with wanting sex.