I am considering divorce

[Ocean-Blue]

I have and it is somewhat working but obviously I have relapses as evidenced by this thread.

 

Then you need to keep going (if you aren't already) and stick to whatever plan your therapist has for you.

 

If you love her and this marriage means something to you, you'll do whatever you can to make it work.

 

Negative thoughts eat away at your soul. You begin to create all these worries in your head... You become a paranoid freak void of reason and logic.

[LifesontheUp]

I know how you feel...........been there a long time ago but you know what, life is a risk. Lets face it you're taking a risk going into business but you are taking it so why is it so hard to do it with your wife?

 

If I hadn't taken the risk of being with my current partner then I would never have my little boy.........and he is worth the world to me and yes we are happy.

 

Give your wife a chance. Not all women are unhappy with their lot. Don't push her away, you may regret it.

[Lyssa]

I got married in the summer of 2006 and every day since then I have been dreading the day when I get home and find her in bed with another man or I get home and she wants a divorce. I can't take this anxiety anymore.

 

It's only about 2 years now... it is still new, Woggle. Don't do something that you'll regret later. There are plenty of M out there that worked out really well for both men and women.

 

If divorcing her will help rid your anxiety and stress, then do what you have to do. She desrves a guy who will truly love her and appreciate her, but don't you dare come on here and exclaim that she screwed you over.

 

I agree with Pyro but really, Woggle - don't do something you'll end up regretting.

[Chrome Barracuda]

She did stick by me after my ex shot at her so that has to count for something. It would help if I knew some other happy couples but being around so much misery makes me want to run before it happens to me.

 

 

That's a ryde or die chick right there. She's a keeper. imagine if she busted back!!! lol.

 

You better not lose this one wog; you hit the jackpot.

 

I remember what you told me about the driveby.

 

Crazy stuff, through thick and thin, prenup and all she's still here.

 

Dont let your insecurities and past mess things up a bright future.

 

Stay and breathe easy playboy.

[whichwayisup]

I got married in the summer of 2006 and every day since then I have been dreading the day when I get home and find her in bed with another man or I get home and she wants a divorce. I can't take this anxiety anymore.

 

Did you ever stop to think that maybe one of your wife's worst fears is you freaking out and dumping her? I mean, YOU called off the wedding. Yet, here you are thinking of dumping/divorcing her first before she divorces you.

 

She has given you NO indictation that she is going to leave you, let alone be with another man. You always say that you have gem in your life! One of a kind...Lucky to have a special woman.

 

Sadly, if this marriage ends, it will be by your own hands, you're own doing. Not your wife's. YOU will be causing HER the pain of which you're absolutely terrified to feel. Think about that for afew mins.

 

Up your therapy to afew times a week and please, stop going to those other boards! And, I DO hope you're not letting your friend influence you still as he isn't a good influence on you when it comes to marriage.

[Woggle]

I guess you are right but I just in a rotten mood yesterday and last night. It is not my friend influencing me as much as what I see around me.

[JamesM]

You will snap out of this. I think you just wanted to hear somebody tell you to snap out of it.

 

As for everyone divorcing, in my world very few do. Not saying we are better, but just saying that off the Board, many marriages work very well. In my family we have been married.....

folks over 50 years, me 18 years, sister almost 25 years, another sister almost 18 years (yeah, married same year).

 

And I could begin listing friends and lengths of marriages, but my point is many marriages last for a long time. And yes, as far as I know and based on my intuition and observation, we are all happily married. Do we have problems? Yes, but does that mean there is no love and commitment? No.

 

So, the anxiety is in your head. Not saying that I don't understand it, because I actually do, I have a fear periodically that my marriage will go bad, too, but my fear is that I will be the one who ruins it. But worrying about tomorrow does nothing but ruin today.

 

So, snap out of it. You won't divorce.

[blind_otter]

Reading these boards too much can mess with your head and give you a skewed view of the world...people who are in happy marriages don't usually post on love advice message boards.

 

Maybe you should talk to your therapist about your trust issues...

[JamesM]

Reading these boards too much can mess with your head and give you a skewed view of the world...people who are in happy marriages don't usually post on love advice message boards.

 

 

Partially true. Yet some keep coming back after they have been helped to help those who keep coming for help. And while we may have happy marriages overall, it is great to come hear and vent (as Woggle says) to get some perspective.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Not just that thread but reading some threads on another forum as well. It is a buildup of things that has convinced me that all women eventually end up resenting their husbands and why should I even try anymore.

 

Although I can relate to this statement, it would be foolish to leave her because you think she will leave you.

 

If most women are unhappy, it's because they are not getting the love, attention, adoration and affection from their husbands.

 

The goal is not to get the girl - the goal is to keep the girl!

[a4a]

Your poor wife!

She invested in you, moved into YOUR home, deals with you and bitter boy, treats you well...gets shot at..... and you think you will just dump her because you are not willing to deal with your own issues. NICE.

 

You need professional help.

 

You again are mirroring exactly what you complain about.

 

You hate man haters so you are a woman hater.

 

You fear dumpers so you are a dumper.

 

Actually IMHO you choose to harm your wife by hiding all this...... exactly what you rant about all the time.

 

Your poor wife. She has no clue who she is married to.

The woman puts up with quite a bit from you - I advise you ask her to go to MC with you so you can put this out on the table. She has the right to know.

 

You may as well be cheating on her. Ready to leave her for your mistress named "hidden fear". You are cheating her.

[Kasan]

I don't know why you think that your wife is harboring some deep dark resentment of you. We woman are pretty vocal when we are p*ssed off you know.

 

We only get resentful when we complain about the same thing over and over and nothing gets resolved.

 

Have you done something that could cause your wife to feel resentful?

 

If yes, then fix it--if not forget it!

 

I wonder how your wife isn't picking up on your vibes....your fears and insecurities are sabotaging your marriage, and you haven't even said a word. Your wife is probably thinking it's something she has done and is running around trying to "fix" what is wrong.

 

Poor woman, she has no clue of what's coming down the road.

[Mz. Pixie]

Woggle,

 

Please do not continue to do this. Stop coming here if you must but seriously, get some help. Please.

 

I hate to see your wife get hurt after all she's been through so far- with the shooting and etc.

[Enema]

The only reason you should divorce your wife is because she deserves better than to be stuck with a messed up misogynist that will cut her loose on his slightest whim.

[Trimmer]

Not just that thread but reading some threads on another forum as well. It is a buildup of things that has convinced me that all women eventually end up resenting their husbands and why should I even try anymore.

You didn't marry "all women." Yet, you are thinking of divorcing "all women" and running away to protect yourself.

 

Learn how to live your life with this woman.

[norajane]

She is a woman and it seems no woman is happy in her marriage these days. I meant my vows but she won't mean her when she walks out on me.

 

You meant your vows yet you are thinking about walking away from her when there is NO indication of any trouble between you, except the trouble you are making up in your own head. You are lying about meaning your vows.

[Mustang Sally]

What?

 

Ok.

Seriously.

Woggle - are you for REAL?

 

If you are, then you sound to me like you might just have a psych diagnosis. And you should get yourself to treatment ASAP.

 

Otherwise, I have to wonder if you are just a pot-stirrer with your irrational threads.

 

Good luck with that, man.

[whichwayisup]

I guess you are right but I just in a rotten mood yesterday and last night. It is not my friend influencing me as much as what I see around me.

 

If that is all it was, then fine...But, you freak out TOO often and every time you let those fears take over, it's another step closer to actually leaving your wife.

 

Somehow you NEED to tune out what's going on around you. Just because your neighbour, or a friend is divorcing or having problems in their marriage doesn't mean it will happen to you. YOU are in control, like your wife too, of your marriage and it's fate. If you go around putting bad energy out there, being in a negative state of mind, that WILL influence your attitude and you'll bring it home.

 

I'm surprised your therapist hasn't taught you the coping measures yet on how to handle these negative thoughts and feelings, turning them from negatives into positives. That's one of the things I learned quickly when I was seeing my T and dealing with my anxiety and panic attacks.

 

In a way I agree with a4a, with the cheating analogy. Your wife has no idea how close to the edge you are and you're hiding it from her. It's a big pink elephant (sorry NEMO) in the room between you two, yet she isn't aware of it.

You're being very dishonest by not talking to your wife about your fears. You need to let her in, to let her make you feel secure and loved. If you need reasurrance from her, then talk to her!

 

I understand the fears of losing someone, but not in that way. My fear always was (and still is, but I have it under control and learned how to not let it get me) that something would happen to my H and I would be alone. Death etc...And dealing with being alone. For me it's scary because I never lived alone. I moved out of my family home and right into a house with my (now) spouse. I never experienced being on my own, being totally independant (like my mom, and she had to go through that later in life, though she had my sis and I, and my bro) it wasn't easy on her at all. That terrifies me, but I don't let those fears RULE me. That's why it's SO IMPORTANT for you to be honest and open with your wife and keep doing therapy. You aren't enjoying the NOW! You're letting past hurts and trust issues get in the way and other people's marital status ruin what you have in your life in the present moment.

 

I hope you really are reading what we're writing here and it isn't falling on deaf ears.

[a4a]

You didn't marry "all women." Yet, you are thinking of divorcing "all women" and running away to protect yourself.

 

Learn how to live your life with this woman.

 

Well perhaps but likely he is getting some sort of revenge not so much protection from/on all women.

[a4a]

I hope you really are reading what we're writing here and it isn't falling on deaf ears.

 

Likely it is because he doesn't want to look like a fool...... if his wife cheated, ran away, just told him she was unhappy.... he could say "told ya so".

 

Reinforce and prove the "all women are evil".

 

Honestly best thing may to get divorced and be gay in this case.

 

The need to feel righteous is too strong.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I look at my wife and wonder what kind of resentment she has against me and I wonder what she says to her friends when I am not around.

 

Not everyone is like you, Woggle. At least not to the same extreme. I think it’s safe to say your wife isn’t nearly as negative about her marriage as you are. Then again, that’s assuming she doesn’t see the same side of you that your friends and we strangers do.

 

Does this relapse have anything to do with your fear of losing half your business in the event of a divorce, since you acquired it during your marriage? If so ... didn’t the prenup you had her sign cover that ???

 

I don’t live in your house, so there is no possible way to know for sure what the relationship is like between the two of you. But since your wife stands to gain nothing by either staying or leaving ... I can’t imagine any other reason why she’d want to be your wife other than she loves you.

[JamesM]

 

Honestly best thing may to get divorced and be gay in this case.

 

 

Well, if that isn't straightforward advice, I don't know what is.

[whichwayisup]

I look at my wife and wonder what kind of resentment she has against me and I wonder what she says to her friends when I am not around.

 

Nothing because she has no resentment towards you. She isn't the one who is going behind your back, thinking divorce. That's you. Just because you go off on other boards and let those negative thoughts rule you, doesn't mean your wife is doing that. IN all honesty, your wife seems to adore you yet you still cannot see that or allow yourself to believe that.

[marlena]

IN all honesty, your wife seems to adore you yet you still cannot see that or allow yourself to believe that.

 

If this is true, then, it is so sad that you are sabotaging your own happiness. Unless it's true that you really do not like being in a committed relationship with a woman..even when she says she loves you.

 

My friend,

It seems to me you are looking for a pretext to get out first. Not fair to you wife. If that's what you honestly want, you should in all fairness tell her.

[a4a]

If this is true, then, it is so sad that you are sabotaging your own happiness. Unless it's true that you really do not like being in a committed relationship with a woman..even when she says she loves you.

 

My friend,

It seems to me you are looking for a pretext to get out first. Not fair to you wife. If that's what you honestly want, you should in all fairness tell her.

 

You see this is where I think it is way off.

 

To be happy there is a need to resolve the issues of the mother issue.

Mother is bad, mother is a woman, it was not my fault mother was bad because all women are evil. Mother said I was bad because I am a man, I have a need to disprove this at all costs.

 

This issue is way too deep. The happiness and contentment needed right now is to prove mother/women are evil...... not to have a happy M with a woman.

 

 

The man hating boards and infedility things are a way to comfort by fulfilling the underlying need to prove he was a good boy it was the Mother that was bad.

 

Nothing will work until the Mother issue is solved.