I am considering divorce

[Mustang Sally]

Wow.

Deep stuff, a4a. Sincerely.

 

"Mother's gonna make all of your nightmares come true.

Mother's gonna put all of her fears into you.

Mother's gonna keep you right here under her wing.

She won't let you fly, but she might let you sing..."

 

I still say professional therapy is in order.

[marlena]

Nothing will work until the Mother issue is solved.

 

If, indeed, this is true, Woggle should not have remarried until he had solved this issue.

 

Woggle,

 

You sound like an intelligent man. People with a functioning brain rationalize their traumas and get over them as they grow older and are in a position to better understand what has happened to them. A lot of us have been dealt out rotten hands but we don't all perpetuate these traumas to make excuses for repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

[a4a]

Wow.

Deep stuff, a4a. Sincerely.

 

"Mother's gonna make all of your nightmares come true.

Mother's gonna put all of her fears into you.

Mother's gonna keep you right here under her wing.

She won't let you fly, but she might let you sing..."

 

I still say professional therapy is in order.

 

Aye,

 

So now you know how well I know my own H too.

 

I am not just a smartass - I am a geniusass.

 

Truly though in a nutshell I think I am dead on.

[Mustang Sally]

Aye,

 

So now you know how well I know my own H too.

 

I am not just a smartass - I am a geniusass.

 

Truly though in a nutshell I think I am dead on.

Ha!

(I think you are dead-on, too.)

 

What do you say, Woggle?

[Woggle]

This really has nothing to do with my mother. If you want me to be honest a4a I don't want to end up in the situation your husband is in right now or the situation many husbands on this board are in. You can't tell me that is not an unfounded fear.

[Pirouette]

So you are planning to add yourself to the statistical number of walkaway husbands?

 

I would have thought you pride and very sense of self worth and honour would have prevented you from doing so.

 

Even if your spouse one day ends up leaving you, at least you can hold your head high and say that you hung in there and did everything according to your values. Unless you're saying you're no better than and wish to live your life exactly as those faithless people that you despise.

 

I think that deep-seated issues exist in you is very clear, though what exactly they are is not for us to determine. And I think you need help too to define them that can't be found on the Internet.

 

You know, there are several people on this board, the unrepentant cheater, the malicious homewrecker, and the raving misogynists and misandrists, that I pay no attention to because they simply annoy me and I see little of redeeming value in them.

It is not so with you. I read your posts with interest and I am always hoping that one day you will come back here and speak about your revelations, your recovery, and the peace you've made with your demons.

[a4a]

This really has nothing to do with my mother. If you want me to be honest a4a I don't want to end up in the situation your husband is in right now or the situation many husbands on this board are in. You can't tell me that is not an unfounded fear.

 

Sorry Woggle you have not resolved the mother issue.

 

and if you don't want to end up like my H - don't lie to your wife and be a consistant ass to her.

 

Note my H is a text book case of PA. If you ever dealt with one you would realize I have been more than considerate, kind, and giving.

 

Are you like my H? If so than you will end up in a M where the W resents you. BTW I don't hide it from my H. He is well aware of my feelings and still chooses not to do anything about it. He admits to it.

 

Would you let your wife be attacked and do nothing about it? Well then yes your W will treat you like I treat my H..... resentful as hell.

 

But Woggle you have your issue and it is deep and it does involve your mother and your fear/hate of women. Your M involved your fear/hate of women which stems from your Mother. Denial will not solve it.

[Mustang Sally]

So what are you doing to avoid that?

Are you communicating with your wife about your fears/needs? Is she communicating with you?

 

Are you taking an honest and OBJECTIVE look at how your actions/thoughts/words might become possible contributors to ending up in such a situation?

 

Are you taking responsibility for your own shortcomings? Does your wife do the same? (After all, no one among us is perfect or without faults...)

 

Are you working to reconcile/resolve any of these shortcomings that you might have?

 

Or are you just interested in pointing the finger at someone else (namely your wife)?

[JamesM]

I don't want to end up in the situation your husband is in right now or the situation many husbands on this board are in. You can't tell me that is not an unfounded fear.

 

I am not sure what that situation is, but remember....many people vent here...like you do, so that IRL, they can resolve issues.

 

Having problems in marriage does not equal unhappiness.

 

While it is not an unfounded fear, it is a bit irrational.

 

Analogy time....do you own a car? Do you drive it? How ridiculous! Do you know how many accidents happen each day which cause death?

 

"It has been stated that men are more likely to get into serious car accidents than women and that car accidents are the leading cause of death in teenagers."

 

"It is true that over 12 million individuals get into some sort of vehicular accident annually and that number is steadily rising from year to year. It is also a fact that majority of individuals involved in car accidents are males, no matter the age range. The interesting thing here is that males not only dominate the number of drivers involved in an accident, but also the other victims as well."

 

"The Male gender seems to dominate over the pedestrian victims and the car passengers, even young children who are riding in the passenger side or the back seat of a car. The male domination in Drivers involved in car accidents is easily understandable and is sometimes controversially attributed to the impulsive nature of the male gender."

 

http://www.carinsuranceaccidentstatistics.net/

 

Okay, so to use this analogy. 12 million die annually. That is almost 33 thousand each day. This is almost 1400 per hour and 23 per minute. So while you have been reading this post, think of how many people have died due to car crashes.

 

And yet, you think nothing of this fact when you drive your car each day numerous times and many miles. Based on the risks involved, we should all fear the car more than any other thing we own. Yet we do not.

 

So, life has risks. Marriage has risks. But as in driving your car, you take every precaution when you drive, you maintain your vehicle, and you still enjoy the trip.

 

So, in some way should be marriage.

[Woggle]

Right now my wife has done nothing wrong but I am scared. With current marriage trends the way they are can you honestly blame a man for being a bit worried? There are men getting blindsided left and right today when they thought they had a happy marriage and I am sick of the axiety I have because I fear that. It feels like I am standing in a battlefield praying that one of those bullets don't hit me.

[a4a]

Right now my wife has done nothing wrong but I am scared. With current marriage trends the way they are can you honestly blame a man for being a bit worried? There are men getting blindsided left and right today when they thought they had a happy marriage and I am sick of the axiety I have because I fear that. It feels like I am standing in a battlefield praying that one of those bullets don't hit me.

 

Do you think you are the only person that is aware that M's fail? Why do you react so strongly to the same information?

 

You need to get some help with this. It is almost like a OCD thing with you.

 

Have you been to the therapist lately?

[whichwayisup]

Right now my wife has done nothing wrong but I am scared. With current marriage trends the way they are can you honestly blame a man for being a bit worried? There are men getting blindsided left and right today when they thought they had a happy marriage and I am sick of the axiety I have because I fear that. It feels like I am standing in a battlefield praying that one of those bullets don't hit me.

 

When you go home later, tell your wife exactly what you've said here. NONE of us can comfort you or make you feel better. The only person right now who can calm your nerves is your wife. She will talk you through this, make you feel secure again and trust me, after you two talk, a big weight will be lifted off your shoulders. Venting here is great, but if you aren't doing anything WITH your wife, to let her in on how you're feeling, nothing will get solved, you won't feel any better.

 

Make sense?

[Mustang Sally]

Right now my wife has done nothing wrong but I am scared. With current marriage trends the way they are can you honestly blame a man for being a bit worried? There are men getting blindsided left and right today when they thought they had a happy marriage and I am sick of the axiety I have because I fear that. It feels like I am standing in a battlefield praying that one of those bullets don't hit me.

So, again I say: WHAT are YOU DOING to help yourself with this fear/anxiety?

 

I mean besides venting here on LS....which, as much as I love LS, I think it's apparent that it has not been able to help you resolve your issues yet. Not that you should stop....but have you discussed these things in no uncertain terms with your wife? With a counselor? With a psychologist/psychiatrist?

 

Have you come up with any action that YOU, YOURSELF could take to help you with these issues? It seems to me that you are incapacitated by your fears - unable to take any affirming action to help yourself. Maybe I just don't know enough of your situation.

[marlena]

When you go home later, tell your wife exactly what you've said here. NONE of us can comfort you or make you feel better. The only person right now who can calm your nerves is your wife. She will talk you through this, make you feel secure again and trust me, after you two talk, a big weight will be lifted off your shoulders. Venting here is great, but if you aren't doing anything WITH your wife, to let her in on how you're feeling, nothing will get solved, you won't feel any better.

 

Make sense?

 

This is the BEST advice. Do it, Woggle, and not just now. Do it whenever you feel the need. If she loves you, she will comfort you and divest you of your fears and insecurities.

Unless, of course, you go over board and one day tire her to death of these insecurities and fears.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks Marlena..

 

Woggle, when I start feeling my anxious moments (about fear of something happening to my hubby) I talk to him. I let him help me, talk with me, and he puts my fears to rest. Please talk to your wife. If you don't, all those thoughts will manifest into something more until one day you DO actually pack a bag and walk out on your wife in a bad moment.

 

It IS good that you are venting it here and not putting those bad thoughts into action. Now you just need to talk to your wife!

[a4a]

So Woggle are you going to tell your wife about how you really feel?

 

If not, why?

[Woggle]

I don't know. She will probably think I am a wacko.

[whichwayisup]

If your wife was having some sort of problem wouldn't you want her to talk to you about it? So you could help her feel better, help her sort out whatever it was that was getting to her?

 

Part of being in a marriage IS communicating and being the bestfriend as well.

 

If you are worried she's going to think you're wacko, then you might as well end things now because on paper you two are married, but when it comes to the big and deep stuff, you hide it or wanna run away from it (run from her). Woggle, TALK TO YOUR WIFE about your fears!! Let her help you!

[Lyssa]

You mean she hasn't thought of that yet? J/K

 

Seriously - I think it's fair that you talk to her and let her know of your feelings/insecurities and etc.

 

Have you put yourself in her shoes? How would you feel if she keeps something as big as this from you? I'm sorry if someone has asked you these Qs - I just didn't read the whole thread - sorry!!

[a4a]

If she was feeling like you do - wouldn't you want to know to help save your M?

 

And if she thinks you are that Wacko.... well then she does suck.

 

Come on this woman has put up with your pre marital cold feet, bitter buddy, YOUR HOUSE, prenup demands, been shot at...... and you are making an excuse that she might think you are Wacko?

 

Cop out to continue the drama IMHO.

[sadhubby]

roger that lol.

[Touche]

I hate when you generalize...what's with this whole "modern women" thing? I've been on here for over two years. Have you ever heard me ONCE say a disparaging word against my H or against men in general? No, not ONCE. And I'm very honest on here. I've revealed my weaknesses on here and freely speak of my mistakes. I have nothing to hide. And I've spoken of my H in nothing but glowing terms (except for occasionally taking a stab at his OCD-like behavior:laugh:) It's real..nothing phony about it.

 

I've been with him for over 13 years now. He's a good man and I have never regretted marrying him. I love him. So what's with all the generalizations? If your wife is so special, maybe she thinks about you the same way I think about my H. If she doesn't then she's not that special I guess. Why do you not give her the benefit of the doubt? Why do you think your friends and others are better and know something you don't? Why would you think that they know more?

 

I really don't get you. You're young and you've paid off a house and are starting a business. You're obviously not your typical 20-something. You have higher standards than most. Why don't you trust that you have a better marriage than most do too? Yes, divorce rates are high..50 something percent. But that means that many DO make it and are happy. Why don't you think that you're on the "good side" of that statistic?

[quankanne]

Right now my wife has done nothing wrong but I am scared. With current marriage trends the way they are can you honestly blame a man for being a bit worried? There are men getting blindsided left and right today when they thought they had a happy marriage and I am sick of the axiety I have because I fear that. It feels like I am standing in a battlefield praying that one of those bullets don't hit me.

 

wog, this is said with love and concern: You're confusing sincere worry with drama, and you're allowing that drama suck you in.

 

I can't imagine there's one marriage on this planet where worry or concern or fear isn't present – for whatever reason – but the difference in those other relationships successfully "work" is that one or both parties refuse to get sucked in. A "happy" marriage is one in which there is an honest attempt to communicate with your spouse, even when you realize they might not understand where you're coming from. But, when that other person is willing to listen and give strength where it's needed … that's what helps the marriage succeed. But you have to allow yourself to open to those things.

 

you, on the other hand, are allowing your fear to consume you, and you're purposely looking for a reason for your marriage to fail. That's not a recipe for success, and you know this. Even in the world of business matters, you know this yet you continue to wallow in those fears.

 

rather than blame YOUR failure to do your best to make the relationship work, get off your whining *ss and figure out what you want. If it's your wife and your marriage, start looking for ways to strengthen it. Marriage Encounter is a tool that my husband and I highly recommend because it helped us cut through the crap to see/realize that we could base a successful relationship on the love and trust we have for each other, and blow off the feelings of insecurity that we unknowingly fostered every time we looked for a reason for our relationship to fail.

 

you don't have to live like this, wog, but unfortunately you CHOOSE to do so when you allow yourself to get sucked into the drama of "what if." There's a huge possibility that your wife is happy with you because she thinks you're a good and decent man that she can believe in, yet you fail to seize that belief and use it to make your marriage into what it wants to be. And for that reason, your whole attitude sucks. Why the hell did you even bother to marry her if you figure she's a potential tramp who's gonna screw you over?

 

or did you say yes to the whole marriage thing because you realized there was a seed of hope in your relationship with her, something that allowed you to believe that things could be much, much different than what you've convinced yourself is "real"?

 

marriage is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do because it involves someone else, it involves how they think and how they feel and what they desire, and it involves putting on your big girl panties and dealing with the crap that scares you because you realize the end-goal is much more important (and hopefully appealing) than the scary stuff.

 

you're not wrong to be concerned about the things that affect your relationship, but you must learn to discern the real threats from those you cook up in your head. And I'll guess that most of the stuff you fear right now about your marriage is stuff that's taken on a life of its own and has nothing whatsoever to do with what your marriage really is about ... that your wife probably has more of an issue with you leaving the damned toilet seat up or wiping out to *her* stash of junkfood without her permission or without replacing what you ate or letting the dog sleep in bed with you!

 

stop torturing yourself by imagining the worst, woggle. you deserve better than that, your wife deserves better than that, and your marriage sure as hell deserves better than that.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

get a divorce. set that woman free to find someone who can love her, and himself, the right way. a healthy way.

 

i don't know if you're for real or not, something tells me you just desperately need some attention and you don't know how to find it but through negative reactions from people here. i could be wrong.

 

in any case, anyone who feels as you do shouldn't be married, and should never have married in the first place.

 

your wife may not end up divorcing you for the reasons you predict, but she will end up wanting to divorce you--you're giving her enough reasons to make her decide to leave. so either way, one of you will leave the other. go ahead and make the first move, and stop wasting her time.

Edited January 29, 2008 by KenzieAbsolutely

[KenzieAbsolutely]

double post....sorry. this new editing thing is weird.