LakesideDream Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 Some here may know my story, as I've been here a couple of years. A recap without details. Married 25 years, wife cheated (successfully hidden) for 23 years off and on with High School boyfriend/lover. Gave the "space" speach, two days later admitted affair. Divorced right away. Through a series of odd happenings and coincidences I was able to, by happenstance alone, get in touch with MY High School girlfriend, and first lover. What ensued was a white hot six month long distance affair which ended abrubtly when my adult son came to live with me and detox. She "decided" "not to leave" her husband. Never said she loved him, not one time, or even that she still had feelings for him (same time married as I). Her reason was that it was the right thing to do. It was difficult for both of us. Jump to six years later. My MW and I have been "in touch" constantly but infrequently for this whole time. Occasionally when talking or emailing there is an ILU, or a L, but mostly it's just teasing and catching up. Of course I never forget an important date, or holiday, blah blah. I have been fortunate enough to be able to afford flowers (when I felt like it) and gifts delivered through a third party. Currently I have a "once in a lifetime" (I'm now 57, she 56) to move the distance between us, buy a home near her (cash) and begin to live a financially secure, semi-retired life. I would be moving to a place I could live comfortably in any condition. It's a beautiful resort area (by a big lake, duh). My heart believes that when a choice is literally staring her in the face, I will be the choice she makes. My "logical" male head knows that there is no security, that I'm only guessing. After the "in between" I know that there is no other woman on this whole planet that I WANT. I also know that there is no other woman that I could love without reservations. There was a time six years ago when she told me the same thing, every day, sometimes many times a day. I know that even when married, I always wondered, where she was and what she was doing, AND when times were at their worst in my marriage I was comforted by the "idea" that If I ever saw her again, she would still love me. I was right, at least for awhile. She said many times that she had shockingly similar thoughts. What should I do LSers ? Advice appreaciated. Understanding welcomed (I will understand if it doesen't arrive) and I am wearing fireproof pajama's as I type. Phew... that was the hardest thing I've ever contributed to LS! Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedMM Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 You know full well your A partner cannot be trusted. She is married, and having an A with you. Think of the pain you went through last time. It gets worse with repetition. And, you are seeking to destroy a marriage. Well, so is your A partner. But, must you conspire with her to do so. Come on, you of all people should know better. It is not good to be alone, but there are better ways to find love. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedMM Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 Here's a good question- were you carrying a flame for her thru your entire marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 Who cares about her?!? If you now have the chance to live semi-retired in a beautiful resort area near a lake, WTF is stopping you??? Link to post Share on other sites
LadyDi Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 Go for it! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 Wow, so you are willing to place the same pain on another person that was placed on you? Why? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 If that is a place you would be happy without her in the picture, then I would say go ahead and make the move. If you are moving primarily because you think she will be more likely to leave her marriage then I would say pick a different spot. Her chances of leaving aren't going to change with proximity. If anything, she will withdraw more as she feels her marital status quo being more threatened by your 'being there'. Link to post Share on other sites
justice Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 You have a good heart and I have to admire that. I'd say make yourself happy without her first and maybe the rest will follow. Before you two can move forward though, she's going to have to make a serious decison. You or him. You know after reading me all this time that I don't agree with cheating in any form and you know why, so no flames here. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 (edited) Are you planning to move nearby because you want to be within proximity of her? Or do you want to retire there because you like the place? What do you expect/hope to happen if you move there? Would you be happy just carrying on an affair with little to no expectations? Or do you want more from her? If you are considering the move in order to be near her, I think you should talk to her first and find out how she feels about it. If, on the other hand, this is the place where you want to live, solely because you like it, and without any expectations from her, then go for it. But be honest with yourself. Know your true motives. Edited January 29, 2008 by marlena spelling Link to post Share on other sites
Can'tGiveUp Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 First I want to say that I admire your courage in posting this. I have read many of your posts and I imagine it was very difficult for you. I concur with many of the others...if it is a place you would want to be with or without her, then go for it. If it is solely in the hopes she will leave her M, then probably not a great idea. You've read enough of these stories to know that despite the love in the relationship, the married person often doesn't leave the M for many reasons. And these reasons are sometimes not logical to the OP. Have you mentioned to her that you are considering this move? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted January 30, 2008 Author Share Posted January 30, 2008 I have mentioned it on occasion over the years. Once in a day of "weakness" she suggested it. She has literally begged over the years that I didn't just "suprise" her by visiting "without an invitation", she has also said that phone calls are "the hardest" as in listening to my voice. I am nearly positive that I would enjoy living there in any case. I am tired of the weather here, and business oppertunities have nearly dried up. I am financially stable reguardless, but extra $$ with minimum effort is always a welcome plus. I don't intend to announce my plans. I would prefer to get established for a few months before "showing up". No doubt there is going to be some major drama, something I generally abohor. I am not concerned in the least with "time lines". Months even years mean less to me than an "ending" I can at least live with, possible revel in for a lifetime. I have lived for 7 years now with "hope" in my heart, without much in the way of tangible occasions to provide positive reinforcment. BTW, I have never made one single "demand", and never will. In fact I have never asked for an accomodation of any kind. I want to make her happy, not sad and stressed. My happiness in the past seven years has been directly proportional to how often I could make her smile. At my age, I am beginning to be selfish. While not desperate, I ache to be happy. My post divorce history has both taught me tolerance and patience. I've also learned that I just don't hurt other people for hours/days of physically pleasure, it's just not something I am able to do. I had one "physical" relationship, that became emotional for the gal, I ended it with as much tenderness as I could when I realized she was looking for much more than I had to give. I can be the best friend a persons ever had, I cannot be or do things I don't feel. Another hard as nails post. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 OK Lakeside, I'm a little confused about where you are coming from. I've seen you take a critical and unsympathetic stance toward other cheaters posting on this board... yet here you are, involved in the same situation they are. Although technically you are not the one doing the cheating, you are participating in it. Why? How do you reconcile the differences in what you say to others and what you're actually doing yourself IRL? Especially after all you've been through, with your own W cheating on you for years on end? Or is the discrepancy BECAUSE of the way you were treated in your M? I have mentioned it on occasion over the years. Once in a day of "weakness" she suggested it. She has literally begged over the years that I didn't just "suprise" her by visiting "without an invitation", she has also said that phone calls are "the hardest" as in listening to my voice... BTW, I have never made one single "demand", and never will. In fact I have never asked for an accomodation of any kind. I want to make her happy, not sad and stressed. She's just loving that, isn't she - being able to call all the shots and tell you what to do... but you can't tell her what to do. My post divorce history has both taught me tolerance and patience. I've also learned that I just don't hurt other people for hours/days of physically pleasure, it's just not something I am able to do. Don't you think you're indirectly doing this to your lover's H? I had one "physical" relationship, that became emotional for the gal, I ended it with as much tenderness as I could when I realized she was looking for much more than I had to give. Do you ever wonder that your MW might eventually feel the exact same way about YOU? Another hard as nails post. Indeed! While I admire your courage in revealing these things, I wonder how much tolerance you've really learned in your "post-divorce history." Is it really OK to berate others for cheating when you're doing the same thing yourself? Please help me understand. What am I not seeing here?? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Well stated. I have the same questions. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Actually, so do I. Lakeside, I'd really be interested to know how you account for this, well, oxymoron. Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 At my age, I am beginning to be selfish. While not desperate, I ache to be happy. Although, I feel at times that you have been less than sympathetic about infidelity, (which I figured was due to your own experience dealing with it) I am also surprised at what you have chosen to reveal to LS. Maybe this is one instance where we can wish you well without all the rancor that accompanies these types of threads. I wish you the best, as I understand all to well the "need to be selfish" after having lived a life putting another's needs before your own. And....for the record, I would move in a blink of an eye. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Lakeside, I understand fully well what it feels like to age and want to reach out for that happiness that has eluded you for so long. Some say that if you believe in a God, he owes you this happiness. We were all just sort of taken aback. Personally, I understand as I have sat on both sides of the fence. Please post back. Like Kasan said, we all wish you well and want to help if you will let us. Marlena Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted January 31, 2008 Author Share Posted January 31, 2008 Thanks for the comments. As I said at the beginning of the thread this is a "Once in a lifetime" oppertunity to purchase a home where she is for cash. No mortgage. Housing values in her area have dropped by more than half in the last two years. I have enought cash and equity in my present home to be able to rent my present "house" at a profit and still cash out a nice 3 bedroom home by the lake. I will also have to pay taxes on the proceeds of an old real estate limited partnership I got into 7 years ago that was recently liquidated. I can either "roll over" 50K in income or pay 20K in taxes. Obviously (to me) I have resisted the compelling urge to "horn in" on her life over the past seven years. Much because I am uncomfortable with the carnage that could result. I could most probably have relocated there right after my divorce, however the needs of my adult son took precidence. I have no guilt for the actual long distance PA that we shared for a short time. While I knew at the time that I was repeating to some extent my ex wife's behavior, to say that I wasn't thinking straight at all would be an understatement. Anyone who has experianced it knows that the most important thing at that time was feeling a bit of kindness, and re-aquiring the knowledge that you are still a worthwhile and attractive person, not to mention being able to breath comfortably for at least awhile. . I am truely quartered by this situation. Frankly I don't know what her current situation is. I wouldn't ask either. I really don't want to hurt anyone, needlessly or not. I do want to feel that "feeling" again. Life is a difficult thing at times. I realize I can live the life I am currently living for the rest of my life, without pain..... or happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 I realize I can live the life I am currently living for the rest of my life, without pain..... or happiness. You sound like you've convinced yourself that you will not be happy without her. I think you're putting WAY too many of your own precious eggs into one basket. Contrary to popular belief, IMO, there are many things other than romantic love that are great sources of happiness. When we were all little kids, we didn't need romantic love in our lives. (Ew, girls have cooties!) Every day was a full-on jam, with no other purpose but to milk every last drop of fun that we could out of it. Another little kid was mean to us? No problem, on to the next one. Mom scolding us? Uh-oh, how much deep sh*t am I in, and how fast can I get out of it? Chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven? The meaning of life, and our joy, was in the smell and taste of them. Our favorite toys gave us endless hours of pleasure and fascination. Why can't we get back to that state? I think you should make your move to the resort, make new friends, have fabulous parties, and don't worry so much! Take a load off! You've worked hard all your life to get here. Enjoy it! BTW, I am also in love with an unavailable person. I cannot help it. I have accepted that that's the way I feel... and that he is out of reach for me. But that's not going to stop me from my endless pursuit of happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 When we were all little kids, we didn't need romantic love in our lives. (Ew, girls have cooties!) Every day was a full-on jam, with no other purpose but to milk every last drop of fun that we could out of it. Another little kid was mean to us? No problem, on to the next one. Mom scolding us? Uh-oh, how much deep sh*t am I in, and how fast can I get out of it? Chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven? The meaning of life, and our joy, was in the smell and taste of them. Our favorite toys gave us endless hours of pleasure and fascination. Why can't we get back to that state? So true story, very nicely put. I think that the urge to have a relationship/fall in love is strengthened more so after a bad break up (and who hasn't experienced that? ) to supplant feelings of rejection, and the void left behind. If the memory of past relationships and hurts were removed from adult memory, i wonder if anyone would want to be in one at all. Life would be just cookies and milk, riding bikes and working (because we are adults now). Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 I realize I can live the life I am currently living for the rest of my life, without pain..... or happiness. But could you handle further disappointment should you go through all of that, only to find out that she couldn’t/wouldn’t leave her marriage to be with you, anyway. And there you are, left alone with the reminder of all the life-altering changes you’ve made in her behalf. May not be so simple (or financially feasible) to cash in the farm and relocate again after that. Could you still carry on alone painlessly with that kind of regret? And if you could remove this man’s wife from the equation (just long enough to rethink your decision) would you still be looking forward to making this move? Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 But could you handle further disappointment should you go through all of that, only to find out that she couldn’t/wouldn’t leave her marriage to be with you, anyway. This is something to give serious consideration. As we get older, we are hit harder, I believe, by heartache than we do when we are younger and more resilient. In may ways, the heart is more vulnerable and more needy as we begin to realize that time is not on our side any longer. This can lead us to panic and make decisions that are detrimental to us. Lakeside, Obviously you care for this lady and are willing to make life-altering decisions just to be near her. Still, I think you should rethink this before you reach a final decision. Ask yourself, if she turns me away, will I be able to cope or will I fall apart? At your age, you deserve peace of mind and a woman by your side who will be your companion and friend. Personally, I wouldn't make this move unless she left her husband and came to live with me. I am so afraid you may be setting yourself up for more pain than you can handle. Marlena Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 Thanks for the comments. As I said at the beginning of the thread this is a "Once in a lifetime" opportunity to purchase a home where she is for cash. No mortgage. Housing values in her area have dropped by more than half in the last two years. I have enough cash and equity in my present home to be able to rent my present "house" at a profit and still cash out a nice 3 bedroom home by the lake. I will also have to pay taxes on the proceeds of an old real estate limited partnership I got into 7 years ago that was recently liquidated. I can either "roll over" 50K in income or pay 20K in taxes. Since you put it like this, and as I am a follow the money kind of girl.....I would definitely consider this and make this the number one priority on my list. Having a secure future at any age is key. Anything else that happened would be the icing on the cake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted January 31, 2008 Author Share Posted January 31, 2008 The complication in this situation is in my head. Throughout our post divorce affair I allowed her to set the boundries, except for one time. Once I told her that I was just going to fly down there on a certain date 3 weeks in the future, and she could pick me up at the airport, or not. Instead of a rejection, she was overjoyed and we spent a wonderful 24 hours at a nearby (out of town) resort. Didn't seem worries about being "caught" at all. I never had another oppertunity to flex my emotional muscles again. No courage I suppose. She was adament that I didn't "visit" uninvited before that trip, and again after. When we saw each other is was largely on her terms, her schedule. I have regretted not pushing the situation for as long as it's been. After divorce I had no experiance being a "single parent". I had to learn. Heck I didn't have any social "dating skills" that wern't 27 years old! My son came to live with me because he was homeless and strung out on narcotic's (never a problem for me), I took care of him for 18 months. I have believed that doing this put the fatal damper on my new relationship. I have no intentions to force myself on her, and I absolutely won't. My thought is to make myself available. An alternative to the situation she is in (supposedly just passing time) of course I know that there are no gaurentee's or sureity. Sure I'm confused and unsure. What else would a person be? If ultimately decide to embark on this adverture/folly my life will be much more complicated.. at least for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted February 1, 2008 Author Share Posted February 1, 2008 I've decided to go down next week to "the lake" and check out a few home with a realtor. I probably won't put in an offer when there, no gaurentee as occasionally I get impulsive. I don't think I will contact the lady though, I'm happier waiting to see. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted February 8, 2008 Author Share Posted February 8, 2008 Bump for the person who couldn't find this original beginning to the saga. Link to post Share on other sites
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