Marrying a much younger man

[Frances]

I am 42, and in a relationship with a man aged 32. We share many interests, and have a lot in common as people, and have discussed marriage. But the age gap makes me very uneasy, as I am afraid that if I marry him, he might find someone younger in a few years. The possibilty of my getting pregnant is low, both because of my age and because I have had cancer. Although this doesn't put him off now, it could do in a few years, as I know he hopes for a family. He lives abroad, in Norway, and the prospest of going through a divorce in another country as well makes me feel really unhappy. I am strongly tempted to leave the relationship. What can I do? Can anyone help?

[Tony T]

Frances:

 

You are in a real quandry. The fact is, a partner can leave you (or anyone) under any circumstances. There are no guarantees. There is really no way to reasonably predict the permanence of a marriage, except to note the current statistics putting divorce at around 50 percent. If you love and care for this man, and the feelings are mutual, talk every problem out. Discuss your fears and concerns in detail and get his feedback. Put everything on the table. Communicate your feelings and let him communicate his. Once you've done that, you'll be in a much better position to make your own decision. Leaving such major life decisions to anonymous people on an Internet forum is not wise. You are the one that has to live with your decision and no one else. I hope I have been helpful but let me repeat, in love there are NO, repeat absolutely NO NO NO guarantees.

[Shirley]

I am 42, and in a relationship with a man aged 32. We share many interests, and have a lot in common as people, and have discussed marriage. But the age gap makes me very uneasy, as I am afraid that if I marry him, he might find someone younger in a few years. The possibilty of my getting pregnant is low, both because of my age and because I have had cancer. Although this doesn't put him off now, it could do in a few years, as I know he hopes for a family. He lives abroad, in Norway, and the prospest of going through a divorce in another country as well makes me feel really unhappy. I am strongly tempted to leave the relationship. What can I do? Can anyone help?

 

Hi!

 

You are thinking way too far ahead. Feelings for people don't change. At least not the type of feeling you have when you're in love. If you love him now, you will always love him, and the same goes for him. This is how I explained what being in love feels like when I talked to my sister the other day. When he's sad, you're sad. When he's happy, you're happy. You could sit on the couch for hours with him while he watched movies that he likes and you hate. And you wouldn't get bored. And if you got too sleepy, you wouldn't go to bed. Not by yourself anyway. You would lay next to him on the couch and fall asleep. And if he were on his death bed, you'd wish that you could take his place, so he could go on living.