To anyone, male or female who is in a relationship. (What is normal?)

[Mallary]

I'm in desperate need of some relationship advice. i have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. The last few months i have become a jealous cow and i am noticing my boyfriend checking out all other girls. He tries to hide it from me by scratcjing his eyes or something. This makes me feel that he must think im a twat not to notice what he is doing. i never pick him up on it because i know how unreasonable i will sound and i do not want him to feel uncomfortable around other women. All men look so why cant i just deal with it? how much should a girl put up with? How much is normal?

[Cobra_X30]

All men look so why cant i just deal with it? how much should a girl put up with? How much is normal?

 

So... how do you know what he is looking at? When he stares at a girl... do you stare him down and then follow his eyes to their target?

 

I think you might be projecting your personal insecurity onto him.

[Duck n' Bunnies]

Hey, I know you are probably going to get a lot of comments "You should talk to him about it" but... I think I'll just let you know what I do, and you can chose for yourself... It's all about STRATEGY!

 

I've also been dating my boyfriend for three years, and I love him more than anything in the world, but I know that as human beings, we find ourselves attracted to specifics (nice smile, great hair, cute butt, great abbs, etc). Whenever I see a cute guy, I'll admit, I'll take a second glance, and if he sees an attractive woman... he will too... (hell, he crashed his car once because he was checking out a busty brunette, and all I could do was laugh!) *That'll teach him!*

With jeloucy comes annoyance, and the key to NOT ANNOYING YOUR MAN is the simple realization that the two of you posess something together that the girl across the bar doesn't... and thats a loving relationship. Sometimes if I see my guy checkin' out a pair of big boobs (I have small boobs) I'll kind of play it up by commenting on her gifted asset... "Wow, that is one big set of boobies!" Then I might make a little comment like " I bet you she's got a lot of back problems!" but I don't make fun of the girl or say it rudely.... I just tease him and have a little fun with it, because I saw him checking out something I know he likes. If your man happens to like big butts, and he checks one out, note it! "That's one fine pack o' jelly!" And just leave it at that... if you notice it too, then you are kind of sending a message to your guy that says "Yep, that is definantly something you couldn't ignore, cause its out there and it's hard to miss!" You can't hide the fact that it's there, right out in the open, so aknowledge it.. and have a little fun.

I guess it really depends on the kind of relationship you have... I can say to my boyfriend "MMM! That guy's got some JUICY PECKS!" and he'll usually just teases me back... "Yeah, but mine are better! Ha ha!" But just because your man sees something he likes on another woman (even if it's the look of the whole woman) it doesn't mean he's going to run out and try to make a relationship with that person just because she has a nice ass, or because she looks good in a tube top! And to think even deeper, the person he is checking out probably has a signficant other as well. Remember, you have a connection with your guy, and that chick standing at the payphone in the halter, does not, and that's all that matters!

 

If that doesn't work, then next time, maybe try commenting on the girl he is looking at... "Wow, she really has nice legs, don't you think?" If he's alloud to be critical of another woman, so should you be, but if you are rude everytime you are being critical, then you are just sounding like a bitch, and we don't want that! Everyone has different things that ARE beautiful about them, and are proud to show it off, and it's not something you can stop from happening... You can drive yourself mad trying to change it... OR, you can accept it, and use it to your advantage! Choice is yours!

 

Take Care!

[Florida]

acceptable:

-a quick glance if the girl is in front of him, we all meet eyes with other humans for a moment-maybe 1 second-no harm.

 

unacceptable:

-staring the girl down, like his eyes are boring x-ray holes through her clothes.

-turning head quickly to side to get a last look or show her that he noticed her

-mutual eye lock for more than 2 seconds.

-head snapping up when girl walks by

-repeatedly returning his glance to same girl.

-long lingering glances.

 

Like Cobra said, it is hard to figure out the direction of the stare, and yes it can cause problems if unfairly accussed.

 

If he is just glancing for a second, without having to swivel his head, then you are being over the top.

 

Refer to my unacceptable list for what is not okay, if it is not on there, then it is okay.

 

I had this argument with my BF, we were standing and he kept looking to his left which happened to be 3 women at a table nearest us, then rows of people next to them. The table nearest us -the 2 women looked like models, & one was a busty woman. I was really enraged, and he acted like I was out of line because he was trying to see if any tables were opening up and just looking around the venue so we could watch the band sitting.

 

I told him it made me look bad, because whatever his intention, I'm sure those women thought he was looking at them, and I refuse to be humiliated like that, so no repetitive glancing if women are in eye view.

 

Well you can imagine how that went down. I was clear that i would walk away, no matter what because i won't be embarassed. Well, so far thank goodness it hasn't repeated for a bit. I also think he has A.D.D. so I'm sure it is extra hard for him to not be distracted.You have to figure out if he has A.D.D. also.

Edited January 30, 2008 by Florida

[Cobra_X30]

I had this argument with my BF, we were standing and he kept looking to his left which happened to be 3 women at a table nearest us, then rows of people next to them. The table nearest us -the 2 women looked like models, & one was a busty woman. I was really enraged, and he acted like I was out of line because he was trying to see if any tables were opening up and just looking around the venue so we could watch the band sitting.

 

I told him it made me look bad, because whatever his intention, I'm sure those women thought he was looking at them, and I refuse to be humiliated like that, so no repetitive glancing if women are in eye view.

 

LOL... Do you make exceptions for Larger Women, or Old Ladies?

 

Listen, Staring another girl down is disrespectful, not just to you but to the other girl too! The primary difference is in the intent of thought. Looking lustfully is bad. Making eye contact, smiling and winking are also bad. Verbally pointing out other attractive women is horrible.

 

Glancing in the direction of other women... I would not consider that as particularly bad.

[Florida]

LOL... Do you make exceptions for Larger Women, or Old Ladies?

 

Glancing in the direction of other women... I would not consider that as particularly bad.

 

Ha! Actually it confuses me because I have seen him glance at grandmother types sitting next to us in the theatre, repititively, and I find myself thinking "wow, if that was a younger woman I'd be so angry" !

 

Then I have to let it go sometimes when I see him glancing at random women because I don't see any pattern and i can't ask him to never look at anybody ever.

 

He really does have A.D.D. though. If someone moves, he looks. If there is a sound, he swivels to see where it is coming from. If there is something bright, he keeps looking.

 

I asked him to put a lid on it because I don't want some other girl thinking he is checking her out, unless that is what he is doing, either scenario sucks!

 

so he stopped. Unless it is something bright and flashy, he looks. I do too though.

 

Listen, Staring another girl down is disrespectful, not just to you but to the other girl too! The primary difference is in the intent of thought. Looking lustfully is bad. Making eye contact, smiling and winking are also bad. Verbally pointing out other attractive women is horrible.

 

He has never done that, although I've seen him staring off in a direction a few seperate times and once a girl in his line of vision looked back/stared back at him and I became really upset that he was meeting another girls eyes. He insisted he didn't even see her, this was awhile ago.

 

I know what is right and acceptable, it is difficult when it is hard to prove because he is getting angry at me back for accusing him.

 

My thing is-if I think you are, and the girl reacts too, even if you were looking at a poster near her, have enough sense to realize what it looks like and don't do it!

 

Then he would say "I can't help what another girl *thinks* I'm looking at. I'll look where i want, and it wasn't at a girl, I don't know what you are talking about."

 

I told him that he has to take more responsibility for his actions, and the reactions of others, and I would walk way no warning next time. He seems a lot more self aware now. I know this sounds controlling, but if i am looking in the direction of a guy, and he looks back, I avert my gaze elsewhere. To not do so gives a specific message, even if not intended for him. People can't always tell what one is looking at.

 

But if someone else starts reacting like that is the case, then we all have to be grown ups and not let our SO feel slighted, wether that is the reality or not. Right?

Edited January 30, 2008 by Florida

[wezol]

I am the exact same way your boyfriend is, to a T.

 

My girlfriend of 2 years always does this to me, always thinks I am looking at other women when I am not. 90% of the time she accuses me I never even noticed the girl UNTIL SHE said something. When driving through campus if a girl walks out infront of my truck she will think I am looking, if I look at a car "too long" she thinks I am checking out the girl inside, which this is not the case.

 

I too have ADD (I think). EVERYTHING grabs my attention, I am also very mechanically inclined, so when I see something so much as a tire spinning I will stare at it and picture the rotors and calipers working together, I am just that way. I love to figure out how things work, which is why I stare at things a lot, and if there is a women in that direction she will get mad.

 

I always look around while driving, I will constantly look in my mirrors at passing cars, or the car behind us. I will look around at a 4 way stop many times over, I like knowing what goes on around me. But heaven forbid there be a girl at that 4 way stop or in the car behind me.

 

In restaurants I too look around a lot, in many directions. That does not mean I am checking girls out or scoping the place but I get blamed for doing so.

 

I have spoken with her for a long time about it and now it has gotten to the point where i am resenting her for it. I cannot walk around with blinders on.

 

You need to give your boyfriend a break, give him the benefit of the doubt. If he is anything like me (and it sounds like he is) he will get fed up with it and start getting very mad every time you so much as look like you are making a comment of assumption. You cannot expect him to walk around with blinders on, because after a while he will get tired of walking on eggshells around you and become very resentful. Plus, it is very hypocritical of you to be doing so because you have admitted to looking as well.

 

Treat others as you would like to be treated. I have told my girlfriend MANY times during our fights that I do not care who she looks at, who she "checks out", talks to, sits by, hangs out with, as long as she doesn't do anything that would embarrass our relationship (ie: touching, flirting, cheating)

Edited January 30, 2008 by wezol

[Florida]

I am the exact same way your boyfriend is, to a T.

 

 

Wow, that sounds like-hey are you..??

Just kidding!

It sounds like you are also self aware enough that you acknowledge an ADD thing. I joke with my BF about that, "ooohh shiny object-look" and we laugh.

 

It was really good to hear your perspective, because like me, maybe she is split between thinking you will do anything to look vs wanting to believe you are not looking.

 

There were some times I ended up crying, after a night out (embarassing) because I could not understand why he would jeopardize our relationship over this. But I also noticed he looks at everything (stores, doors, young, old, men, women) like you too.

 

It is only when I have seen another girl respond with a coy stare to confirm if he his looking at her like "oohh this guy must think I'm hot because he is looking in my direction AND he is holding hands with his little GF there" .

 

I ask him to not look at all or be aware to not do it where any woman is concerned. So you think this is unfair of me? I ask in a nice way because when I said I look I meant just a glance, nothing abnormal. As I do with anyone to be aware of my surrondings. But I turn away if a guy thinks I'm checking him out-immediately-0because I don't want to disgrace my BF ever.

 

I hear you though, it certainly feels better to believe what you say, than the alternative. I don't think you would have any reason to fib, so it was very informative.

 

My question is:

What do you do if a girl starts looking at you as a result of you looking around? Do you keep looking at the same spot, or avert your gaze?

 

Do you honestly not notice if something like that happens?

Or has that never happened?

Edited January 30, 2008 by Florida

[wezol]

If I catch a girl looking at me and we catch eyes or whatever, I don't act like its the end of the world. To ME it is not a huge deal because she can think whatever she wants but I know what I was doing. My girlfriend is the same way though, if she thinks I lock eyes with someone she gets extra mad about it. But i also try and do what you do, if I catch her eyes (which I normally don't because I am not paying attention to her) I will look away out of respect for my girlfriend.

 

Trust me, it sucks having to pay special attention to make sure I don't even give off the impression that I am looking at a girl. Which means always trying to be one step ahead of everyone else so you don't cross paths, or keeping track of every girl out of the corner of my eyes as to know where I can look and when I can look at whatever it was I wanted to look at.

 

I was doing that for over a year months before I blew up at my girlfriend a few days ago. I told her that 99.9% of the time she is very wrong about her assumptions and next time to she needs to learn to bite her tongue because she has no idea what she is talking about and it's not my fault she is so insecure because of her last boyfriends.

 

Thankfully she is trying to work on it but I can still sense by her facial expressions when she thinks I am looking.

 

You want your boyfriend to be comfortable around you, but he can't be if he cannot be himself. He likes looking at things far and wide just like I do. I am a very curious person and notice everything from sticks to old women.

 

I am not saying that I don't look at girls, because thats just human nature, and 99% of the time just a glance and nothing more. Heck, I have forgotten about it 2 seconds later and to about my day.

 

And one more thing and I am not sure if you are this way but...

 

My girlfriend drives my truck a lot without me in it. Well she says she sees all these girls trying to check me out until they realize it is her and not a guy inside. Then gets mad at me when I tell her that I do not notice all "these girls" like she does and says its impossible for me not to notice. In turn I have become uncomfortable when we drive together for fear of what ANOTHER girl might do.

 

I am telling you all of this so you can avoid getting to this point and save you and your boyfriend the hassle further arguments and resentment.

 

If you think you notice him checking out a girl, don't say anything of even act like you noticed. Just go about your day and your conversation and be happy that ya'll are out together and enjoy your time that you have. There is no sense in worrying about the small things, how can you enjoy the relationship if you are always looking for something he is doing?

[Florida]

Trust me, it sucks having to pay special attention to make sure I don't even give off the impression that I am looking at a girl. Which means always trying to be one step ahead of everyone else so you don't cross paths, or keeping track of every girl out of the corner of my eyes as to know where I can look and when I can look at whatever it was I wanted to look at.

 

That sounds like what he is doing nowadays.

 

I was doing that for over a year months before I blew up at my girlfriend a few days ago. I told her that 99.9% of the time she is very wrong about her assumptions and next time to she needs to learn to bite her tongue because she has no idea what she is talking about and it's not my fault she is so insecure because of her last boyfriends.

 

Thankfully she is trying to work on it but I can still sense by her facial expressions when she thinks I am looking.

 

OMG you are my BF aren't you? :laugh:

 

My girlfriend drives my truck a lot without me in it. Well she says she sees all these girls trying to check me out until they realize it is her and not a guy inside. Then gets mad at me when I tell her that I do not notice all "these girls" like she does and says its impossible for me not to notice. In turn I have become uncomfortable when we drive together for fear of what ANOTHER girl might do.

 

OMG I AM your GF!!

 

 

I am telling you all of this so you can avoid getting to this point and save you and your boyfriend the hassle further arguments and resentment.

 

If you think you notice him checking out a girl, don't say anything of even act like you noticed. Just go about your day and your conversation and be happy that ya'll are out together and enjoy your time that you have. There is no sense in worrying about the small things, how can you enjoy the relationship if you are always looking for something he is doing?

 

It's so hard not to notice. Like if we are in a restaurant and 2 girls come in, I'll watch him really close to see if he is looking in that direction, more than at the old lady or the waiter or the shiny tray .

 

I have never dated anyone who has any interest in looking around at things, I'm guessing your GF is the same way, so it takes extra extra effort to accept it as normal without some smarmy agenda.

 

As much as it pisses you off to be accused, she is probaly completely not relating to the need to look around, and it triggers old memories or observations of close enough situations where the guy was checking out the ladies.

 

Thanks for responding, it really was very enlightening, more so than my friends and I clucking away trying to decipher the details of what I tell them.

Edited January 30, 2008 by Florida

[wezol]

Yeah if you weren't from Florida (?) I would think you were my girlfriend, which would make me happy cause I would see that she is finally understanding me

 

Other than that issue we have a fantastic relationship.

 

No problem on the advice, I hope it helps ya'll out. Any more questions on anything about your boyfriend you can ask me or send me a message, because it sounds like he could be my twin.

[Florida]

Yeah if you weren't from Florida (?) I would think you were my girlfriend, which would make me happy cause I would see that she is finally understanding me

 

Other than that issue we have a fantastic relationship.

 

No problem on the advice, I hope it helps ya'll out. Any more questions on anything about your boyfriend you can ask me or send me a message, because it sounds like he could be my twin.

 

I'm not totally unconvinced you aren't him! :p

 

Thanks for the enlightenment of the day,and you feel free to ask any questions if you are curious what your GF thinks too, or any predicaments.

 

I think I can help with her viewpoint, no problem!

[wezol]

Well just to make sure, you are from florida right? I am from good ol' Texas

[Florida]

Well just to make sure, you are from florida right? I am from good ol' Texas

 

Ahh I was just kidding, my BF drives a car, not a truck, but it is a rarer old unique kind of car, so yes more girls look, that is also why I related to what you mentioned about your GF after she drove your truck!

 

Don't worry-I'm not really her!

 

I don't think so at least.... ha just kidding!

 

One more question about:

Trust me, it sucks having to pay special attention to make sure I don't even give off the impression that I am looking at a girl. Which means always trying to be one step ahead of everyone else so you don't cross paths, or keeping track of every girl out of the corner of my eyes as to know where I can look and when I can look at whatever it was I wanted to look at.

 

Now why would you resent her for that?

If it makes her more comfortable-why exactly is that something that is strenous?

I'm asking because if the situation was reversed, I wouldn't have a problem reeling in the urge to look at everything.

 

Is it a rebellious thing? Or does it feel really compulsive? I don't know-just trying to understand because I think if someone loves another they will change, within reason, if some quirk is bothersome to your SO but not essential to yourself. The guy ios thinking "why do I have to change"? The girl is thinking "Why can't he change this one little thing?"

Edited January 30, 2008 by Florida

[Cobra_X30]

Ahh I was just kidding, my BF drives a car, not a truck, but it is a rarer old unique kind of car, so yes more girls look, that is also why I related to what you mentioned about your GF after she drove your truck!

 

Don't worry-I'm not really her!

 

I don't think so at least.... ha just kidding!

 

Hmmm... let me guess... an El Camino?

 

It's an old rare car to you... but a truck to him! Probably is your BF!

[Florida]

Hmmm... let me guess... an El Camino?

 

It's an old rare car to you... but a truck to him! Probably is your BF!

 

Oh snap, close enough!! Stop messing with mah mind cobra!:laugh:

 

Oh jeez, the OP hasn't chimed in once, hope I didn't hijack!

 

Well I think there is good info here for her, hopefully.

[Cobra_X30]

Oh snap, close enough!! Stop messing with mah mind cobra!:laugh:

 

Oh jeez, the OP hasn't chimed in once, hope I didn't hijack!

 

Well I think there is good info here for her, hopefully.

 

Yes, that was a super good dialog! Lots of useful information.

 

You know, I think I have that hunter instinct, where I'm always paying attention to my surroundings. Out in the wild I'm sure it would be useful in watching for lions or tigers or bears... oh my! However, when I'm at the mall it fails to serve it's purpose. Still it's pretty hard to shut down for most guys, and we can get resentful when we are asked to do it, because it takes a lot of work, and shows a lack of trust. Nobody likes to be treated as if they are untrustworthy... or have bad thoughts.

[Florida]

Yes, that was a super good dialog! Lots of useful information.

 

You know, I think I have that hunter instinct, where I'm always paying attention to my surroundings. Out in the wild I'm sure it would be useful in watching for lions or tigers or bears... oh my! However, when I'm at the mall it fails to serve it's purpose. Still it's pretty hard to shut down for most guys, and we can get resentful when we are asked to do it, because it takes a lot of work, and shows a lack of trust. Nobody likes to be treated as if they are untrustworthy... or have bad thoughts.

 

Thanks for being straight up Cob, I was waiting for you to chime in too!

 

Once, I was on a date and the guy kept looking over at a girl in his line of vision. He kept doing it about 4 times every 5 minutes. He told me, to assuage my discomfort, that he thought he knew her.

 

I thought to myself, fine, but how many times do you have to look to figure it out? 15? 20? I was pretty turned off at the end of the evening, wondering if i had been played for a fool. I figured he goes on a date and checks out another girl all night with this out in the open truthful excuse.

 

I had read a website on how to check out chix while with a girl. It included hugging your girl, so you could focus on the other girl. Same with kissing. Pointing something out to your girl, then checking out the girl who is in the opposite direction. Oh-and telling the girl you are with that you think you know that girl, so you can keep looking. I sh*t you not!

 

It's hard to think otherwise when you are pretty sure of what you see, but are told something else entirely as the reason for looking. So I will try to keep all of this in mind too. Thanks!

 

It creates conflicting thoughts.

Edited January 30, 2008 by Florida

[Cobra_X30]

I had read a website on how to check out chix while with a girl. It included hugging your girl, so you could focus on the other girl. Same with kissing. Pointing something out to your girl, then checking out the girl who is in the opposite direction. Oh-and telling the girl you are with that you think you know that girl, so you can keep looking. I sh*t you not!

 

 

Hey, I had a friend who used to open doors for women so he could stare at their posterior as they walked in! LOL... guess what... he was a sleazebag in everything else too, and you could easily tell.

 

If your BF was a sleazeball I hope that you would know! Besides... what does some random girl off the street have that you don't? Bigger booty? Shinier hair? Larger bust? Longer legs?.... perhaps. But consider what you have that they don't! His heart!

[wezol]

 

One more question about:

 

 

Now why would you resent her for that?

If it makes her more comfortable-why exactly is that something that is strenous?

I'm asking because if the situation was reversed, I wouldn't have a problem reeling in the urge to look at everything.

 

Is it a rebellious thing? Or does it feel really compulsive? I don't know-just trying to understand because I think if someone loves another they will change, within reason, if some quirk is bothersome to your SO but not essential to yourself. The guy ios thinking "why do I have to change"? The girl is thinking "Why can't he change this one little thing?"

 

Nah it's not a rebellious thing. A lot of it has to do with not being trusted, for me it was anyways. On top of that I was always wondering what SHE would think if I looked in a certain direction, no matter what the reason that I was looking, because like I said, 99.9% of the time she is wrong in guessing what I am looking at. It always felt like I was guilty until proven innocent, but I could never prove myself innocent because she would think what she wanted no matter what I told her.

 

Another thing, it becomes strenuous to always try and be one step ahead of everyone else in the room. Part of that comes natural to me with me being in the military, but I don't want to have to do it because my girlfriend is insecure. I was too worried about that to even enjoy being with her, and thats when I started to resent her.

[mylovegrowsdeeper]

If you notice an attractive women......OF COURSE he's going to notice her!! Are there other things going on in your relationship? Perhaps he's not very attentive to you any longer? Are you sensing that you two are more like a pair of old shoes right now? As long as a man is looking but not being overt or putting you down there's nothing "wrong" with noticing other women.