My Husband is Miserable

[upsetwithlife]

Hello,

I am new here, and I have a problem I could use help with. My husband and I are completely in love with each other, and care deeply for each other. Divorce is not an option in our lives. However, my husband is a very unhappy person. It seems to be getting worse and worse. He comes home and starts complaining straight away. About anything and everything. He is upset that lights are left on, or supper is not ready. Upset that I don't make enough money, the kids don't listen well enough. He is just upset about everything. He has always been a negative person, but like I said its getting worse. Its affecting me, its very draining, and the kids are also saying that Dad is angry or complains all the time. I know I can't change him, I just want to know how to be happy and live with his unhappiness all at the same time. If I can help him in any way I would love to do that. I have told him, that I know hes unhappy, and he says that he loves me, and he is just frustrated with other aspects of his life. Please help me change this around.

[JackJack]

Hello,

I am new here, and I have a problem I could use help with. My husband and I are completely in love with each other, and care deeply for each other. Divorce is not an option in our lives. However, my husband is a very unhappy person. It seems to be getting worse and worse. He comes home and starts complaining straight away. About anything and everything. He is upset that lights are left on, or supper is not ready. Upset that I don't make enough money, the kids don't listen well enough. He is just upset about everything. He has always been a negative person, but like I said its getting worse. Its affecting me, its very draining, and the kids are also saying that Dad is angry or complains all the time. I know I can't change him, I just want to know how to be happy and live with his unhappiness all at the same time. If I can help him in any way I would love to do that. I have told him, that I know hes unhappy, and he says that he loves me, and he is just frustrated with other aspects of his life. Please help me change this around.

 

He sounds depressed. I would suggest him maybe seeing a counselor.

[Mustang Sally]

I think it's admirable that you want to help him with his unhappiness.

 

But in my view, from what you have written, it seems that it is just that.

HIS unhappiness.

 

And until he can figure out just what thing/s is/are making him feel that way, I'm not sure what more you can do than be supportive of him, like it sounds you are already doing.

 

I think encouraging him to open up to you about it, and let his feelings out, is a great place to start. Some men don't really feel like they have much of an outlet for that (or so I've been told...). And it certainly might be worthwhile to have him get checked for depression, as JackJack suggested.

 

With time and support, hopefully he'll come around. Let us know how it turns out.

[Storyrider]

I get negative sometimes. This is learned behavior. Trading complaints was a form of entertainment in my family. I realize not everyone enjoys this. Similarly, health complaints provided material for lengthy conversations in my house growing up, whereas I realize this is considered self-absorbed and negative in other family cultures. We always used a lot of dry humor with each other which might be construed as insulting to an outsider. We mean it in a loving way, but someone who is more polite and sunny might not get that. I can remember one recent Thanksgiving we were all sitting around listening to my brother describe the symptoms of his migraine, and my mother offered him this suppository pain med, basically explaining exactly how he should stick it up his butt. This was a normal conversation. No one batted an eye.

 

If your H grew up anything like this, and he complains and you ignore it to try and get him to stop, he will just think you don't hear him and keep offering more complaints to try and get a volley going with you and/or to elicit some sympathetic noises. If you give him what he's looking for, he's more likely to feel satisfied and drop it. Can he laugh at himself about this? If so, you've got it made.

 

If this is not at all what is going on, and he is sincerely negative in a serious way, you might be in trouble.

[Duck n' Bunnies]

I was like that for a long while, when my boyfriend of 2 yars told me he wished for nothing more then to see me get better, and suggested I get some help becuase he couldn't deal with my negativity anymore... and let me know that any longer and he would have to force himself to leave. I was "draining" him, which is the word I read in your post that made me want to respond.

He suggested with all good intention that I talk to a counsellor or a psych to see why I can't see the good side of life... and because I love this man, I'd do just about anything for him, I agreed that if it would make OUR situation better (I considered it OUR problem, not just his) then I would give it a try.

 

Low and behold, I had a chemical imbalance in my brain. My boyfriend often said to me "It's almost like your brain is poisoned..." and he couldn't have been further from the truth....

 

I tried a few different medications over a span of a year... and I'm up and running, and seeing the world in an entirely different light. Our situation has improved DRAMATICALLY!

 

Just my experience...

[HokeyReligions]

It sounds like he's feeling overwhelmed and depressed and has no other outlet than his family.

 

Some things you could try are finding some outlet for him. If he has a hobby or friends or something - find a way for him to take some time off work and away from his family for a day or a weekend maybe. If finances are tough, is there anything you could sell or do to raise enough money for this? Let him know that his happiness is more important than material items. He would need to go knowing that it's not putting a financial strain on things.

 

Try to alleviate any home problems for him - if he's happy and comfortable it will be much less emotional strain on you as well.

 

See a doctor and get a physical. Perhaps a short-term anti-anxiety or anti-depressent will help him get back on track. Look for any studies that the doctors may be participating in. I did that some years ago when I was going through something similar and it helped.

 

Is there a minister you can talk with? Or does his work, or yours, have an EAP plan that includes some confidential counselling? They may be able to give you more information and steps to take so you and the kids can handle his emotional turmoil better. Don't rule out the kids school counselors either - sometimes they have contacts and information that will help the whole family.

 

It could just be a phase, but if it's not addressed it could become a life-style.

 

If he doesn't want to go away for a weekend, perhaps you could take the kids for a weekend visit to relatives and leave the house, clean & with food prepared, for him so that he can have some relaxation at home.

 

If he's open to discussions with you, sit down and make a plan and some short-term goals that you can all work toward. Nothing long-term -no dreaming of that perfect vacation that is an idea in the mist. Something concrete.

 

For example, hubby and I have been stressed and anxious a lot and for years while my mother lived with us. We sat down last fall and made a plan of cleaning out the garage and barn so we could get it organized and used properly. It doesn't sound like much, but for us its a big deal. Just knowing that we have goals each week that we must accomplish in order to meet the longer-term goal of getting our car actually in the garage, has given us a brighter outlook. Getting rid of clutter is very helpful emotionally. We assign ourselves tasks each weekend and get them done in a few hours, leaving us with the rest of the weekend to enjoy and do our regular things. That feeling of accomplishment is monumental when battling depression and anxiety.

 

Sunlight is an emotional lifter, but I understand about keeping rooms dark to help with heating/cooling costs. See if you can find some compromise. Tint the windows, or just have them open during the early morning or late evening when the sunlight doesn't heat everything up so much. Or precook meals during those times so the oven/stove doesn't heat the house and you can nuke the meals and have the shades open a little longer. These are all things that have actually worked for us. It seems my husband would be just as happy to board up the windows to keep the sun from heating the house! We found a compromise.

 

Seeking advice from an outside source that does not have an interest in the family (no friends or relatives) can sometimes help you find your own direction because you know that a counselor does not have their own agenda.

 

Do you kids ever spend the night at their friends' homes? Maybe a weekend without the kids would help the two of you to spend some quality time together and/or have the time to talk and plan without disruption. If you have pets - farm them out for a weekend too if possible!

 

Eating right and getting some exercise is vital as well. Whether its a long walk, bowling or golf or something that gets you both moving find it and do it. Cut out the junk foods as much as possible and introduce some healthier foods in each meal. Daily vitamins too and drink a couple of glasses of water each day - more than a couple if possible - if you both don't already do that.

 

Like I said, these things have worked wonders for us. Good luck. I know its hard.

[Whats the answer]

Well Im a man who lives in the same world except my wife is that way. I think its just the person not the situation because everytime I try to change something she's upset about she just turns to something new and I spend my days running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I dont know if they look at things with the thought " Thats not right" or if they are trying to make things around them perfect in order to be happy. As you can see I have yet to find an answer