Update and more adv?

[millergirl]

Heart,

 

Did you all get together yet? If not, I wouldn't bring the help aspect up to her right now. Take it slow and just meet her like you said without any expectations. She might be wanting to take baby steps right now and if you bring anything up about her seeking help, she may back up.

 

If she mentions that she may want to seek help, just be supportive and let her talk about it. Us women like it when you guys take interest in what we have to say and if she feels supported by you she will appreciate it so much more!

 

I wish you the best of luck... give us an update on what happens...

 

~Sandy

[heartoutside]

if it happens I will......thanks for the support.

[heartoutside]

I think I already know the answer, but what if she doesn't get back to me about the dinner? I mean what was the point of her asking? Do I call again, or text her?

[niceguy27]

Heart,

 

Good to hear from you again. We are both nearing our 6 month mark. I see your ex is back to her old tricks again. Just keeping you on the edge IMO. SHE still has issues to work out and she will never be forced to deal with them until you are completely out. Maybe not 100% out but enough where she has to start focusing on herself and not relying so much on you.

 

As for you...My best therapy was to start hanging with a very hot platonic friend of mine. We go out every weekend and maybe do dinner once or twice a week. I still miss my ex like crazy and keep in touch with her a few times a month just to chat it up and talk like friends.

 

But...spending all this time with this girl is amazing. At first it was kind of weird to be kind of close with another woman but since shes a friend, it got to become real easy to have her help me emotionally build myself back up. Imagine this...I walk in with one of the most beautiful woman in the place. We sit, drink a few, then her AND her very pretty roomate take to the dance floor. Its me, two gorgeous girls, and a ton of guys fuming on the sides. And its like that all night. I can cut loose and just enjoy the moment.

 

My friend...I think that is exactly what you need. You know a little of my story and know how much I cared and to some point, still love my ex. Spending time with a close female friend will do wonders to help you keep your mind off of her. Know what I did when my ex CALLED me (one of the very few times she has called since apart)?? I sent her to voicemail. Why? Because I was on my over to my friends house. I just called her back today (she called over a week ago).

 

So...long story short my man, try to strengthen a r/s with a girl friend you have now. Not saying take it anywhere but have fun and cut loose! Slowly it will help you to distance yourself and allow to become more objective to her actions. Good luck!!!

[heartoutside]

Well she called tonight, wanted to see if we could have dinner sometime next week. She also wanted to let me know that we needed to talk. I don't know why she would play that F'n card?! I mean why ask me to dinner and then leave a thought in my head that we need to talk. I guess so I don't get the wrong idea about dinner.

 

I tried to just let it be while we were on the phone, but then I finally asked so what do we need to talk about, and she replied us. So I replied, well there's a good us and bad us and she replied by saying she thinks it's a good us but she knows I'll think it's a bad us. She then went on to say that she basically wanted us to be friends, and I told her that couldn't happen. That we dated for 4 years, and I couldn't do that. She then went on to say that all I really want is a relationship, all or nothing kind of statement.

 

So I agreed to talk in person, face to face, because she doesn't want to be a coward or send an email again.

 

It's odd, because it's like shes bi-polar or something. She was so detached from the conversation, she only got mad when I said we can't be friends and when I got upset about the fact that she told me "we need to talk" and now I have to think about this until we actually talk. She didn't seem upset about the idea of just being friends or anything.

 

So should I meet for dinner, or just meet in person and get it over with?

[D-Lish]

Well she called tonight, wanted to see if we could have dinner sometime next week. She also wanted to let me know that we needed to talk. I don't know why she would play that F'n card?! I mean why ask me to dinner and then leave a thought in my head that we need to talk. I guess so I don't get the wrong idea about dinner.

 

I tried to just let it be while we were on the phone, but then I finally asked so what do we need to talk about, and she replied us. So I replied, well there's a good us and bad us and she replied by saying she thinks it's a good us but she knows I'll think it's a bad us. She then went on to say that she basically wanted us to be friends, and I told her that couldn't happen. That we dated for 4 years, and I couldn't do that. She then went on to say that all I really want is a relationship, all or nothing kind of statement.

 

So I agreed to talk in person, face to face, because she doesn't want to be a coward or send an email again.

 

It's odd, because it's like shes bi-polar or something. She was so detached from the conversation, she only got mad when I said we can't be friends and when I got upset about the fact that she told me "we need to talk" and now I have to think about this until we actually talk. She didn't seem upset about the idea of just being friends or anything.

 

So should I meet for dinner, or just meet in person and get it over with?

 

I think if you meet her for dinner that it will just bring about a whole world of hurt streaming back into your heart.

 

Can you be friends with someone you are still in love with that you dated for 4 years???? No, you can't.

 

She wants to have her cake and eat it too. You have been a great source of support to her, she doesn't want to lose that. I have to tell you though- that is being selfish of her. She can't expect you to remain friends. You DO have a right to ask for an all or nothing relationship with her. That's realistic, and it's how you feel. She needs to respect that and accept that.

 

I know it is tempting to see her again- almost like you think that the spark will reunite and bring you back together. I have had those expectations before. I met with an ex lover a few months after a break up thinking we could be friends. I have to tell you, it set back my recovery big time. It was like starting the grieving process all over again.

 

I think the only way you can heal is to refuse the date and cease contact. How could you two remain friends and move forward? It would be impossible.

 

I know you will make your own decision- and we are here to listen and help you through either choice you make without judgement.

 

I am only speaking from experience when I say such a meeting could set you back. I don't want to see that happen to you.

[heartoutside]

To be honest, I don't know what to do?!? I do think we need to talk, I think for once and for all I'm just going to go all out. I've got nothing to loose. But I don't think dinner is the right thing. My friend has made some good points, that this has been her style, that she'll date a guy and then just be friends with that guy. Me being the most serious, and the one person she actually wanted to marry. My friend says that maybe I should call her out on it, on everything. I'm wondering if I should tell her I was a week away from asking her to marry me. The day she broke up with me was the day I was going to ask my mom to bring her mothers engagement ring on our family vacation (Which was to happen the following week).

 

My friend also suggest that I tell her that I can be friends, but I can't be a plan B.

 

But I really don't know what to do!? Man, this is going to be a great valentines day!

 

 

It just doesn't make sense, her sending the email way back when. telling me that she was happy that we were working things out and together, her "claiming" me at the bar by putting her coat on my chair........I don't get it..

[CalamitousJane]

She wants to have her cake and eat it too. You have been a great source of support to her, she doesn't want to lose that. I have to tell you though- that is being selfish of her. She can't expect you to remain friends. You DO have a right to ask for an all or nothing relationship with her. That's realistic, and it's how you feel. She needs to respect that and accept that.

 

Heart, I struggle with this too. I know what D-Lish says is true, but in some ways I feel like I'M the one who has done the dumping, by telling my ex I couldn't "be there" for him all the time anymore, without a real relationship and a real commitment.

 

It helps when I imagine how I'll feel six months or so down the road, after some serious time apart, when our attachment is truly broken - his to me as much as mine to him

 

At that point I will actually, possibly, be able to be his friend, if he still wants that.

 

Right now though, no.

[heartoutside]

Yeah, I guess I've got to do the walking....I mean at this point, that's the only way anything can ever be solved. I.E. my getting on with my life and/or her actually realizing that she needs help and realize what she's doing.

 

the thing that really sucks is we share a close group of friends. And she will be moving in with one of my close friends when the semester is over. So it's not like I won't ever not see her again, or hear about her. Which really sucks!!

[CalamitousJane]

Oh, Heart, ouch.

 

It helps to think in just the short term. It might be possible to imagine not hanging with her or your close friend for just a couple months, then deciding after that how or whether you want to pick things back up.

 

I haven't spoken with my ex for nearly three weeks now, and haven't gotten email from him for almost two. I keep feeling like I should check in with him. After all, I told him I'd always care about him and always be his friend.

 

But if we're really going to be friends, we should be able to let it go for a couple months. I'm determined now to wait until the end of March, then see how I feel. The attachment is fading quickly right now, and I'm looking forward to a time when I can see him as a real person, not as the fix for my addiction.

[heartoutside]

I guess this why you never date within your circle of friends. I'm probably going to run into her this weekend when another friend comes into town. Luckly, I have a childhood friend who is also coming into town. So I think drinking and going out with him is probably a better idea.

 

I'm still not sure how I should go about doing this?! Go to dinner so she can tell me she just wants a friendship. My brother made a good point that if I go to dinner I'm going because I have hope for a relationship (kind of like what you said D-Lish).

 

It's just the fact that I can't believe that she would go through all this trouble just to be back where we were 4 months ago. That she would break up with a boy toy 5 days before xmas, and tell me that she made the biggest mistake of her life. That she thought about me and us every day....I mean how can someone tell you that and then 2 weeks later run away again!?

 

The only thing that is keeping me going today, is something that my gay friend said to me yesterday. When I shouted out at work that I hated life, he turned to me and said that I'm a handsome, successful, healthy and good looking guy who's still really young and that I can get any girl I want, (or any guy, if I swung that way ). I mean I would like to think it's true, but right now, I don't know what to think....

 

I guess my greatest fear right now is being alone....

[upsetnhurt]

Sorry to hear that your ex simply wants to be friends HeartOutside. I am sure it hurts at the moment, yet maybe now it will be the dose of reality that you need to stand up and move on with your life. Only you know if you gave this girl your all; yet if you did, keep your head up high and recognize that it is completely her loss going forward.

[heartoutside]

Well after about 3 weeks of not talking she contacted me today. I got sick, then went out of town, then I got sick again (The flu is BAD this year!) and then she got sick. So neither of us has really been in any shape to talk.

 

So this morning my phone rings and it's her. I don't answer it and she doesn't leave a VM. I then notice that there are 3 text messages from her. First text she asks if she can call, the 2nd she asks if i want to go to dinner, and the third she says, nevermind. And then she calls. All of this happens within about 15 mins time. I didn't hear my phone beep with the texts because it was in the other room.

 

I'm not really sure if I should reply. I still haven't. She called this morning. Any suggestions?

[Freddy]

You need to make a stand and tell her it's over. I just did an it's the best not to contact her till your really over her. I'm telling you this because I know I should have done it long ago.

 

Keep the faith!

[heartoutside]

So I haven't talked to my ex since she called me a little over a month ago asking me to have dinner with her. She basically said that she would like to have dinner so we could talk about us. I asked if she meant the good us or the bad us, and she said well, I think it's a good us, you'll think it's a bad us.

 

She texted me out of the blue last weekend (kind of flip'n out that I wasn't reply'n to her text messages). And for some odd reason, today I'm really really missing her. I really want to contact her, I actually for the first time in a long long time, want to say I miss her. But I think she knows that.....

[Freddy]

Hey Heart, I know how you feel about missing her and it's ok. I get that way once in a while too. Only you will know when you will be ready to contact her again but only do it when you know what she's doing won't affect you.

[heartoutside]

Freddy, I'm curious, why has your tune kind of changed? I'm just wondering what happened in the course of things with you and your ex that made you see that hanging out with her and talking to her such wasn't working?

[Freddy]

I found out she was dating somebody as of recently. It stung for 1 or 2 days. I told myself not to talk to her unless I could handle it. I'm reading your post and I don't think you can handle it right now if you do try to contact her. As for me it doesn't hurt or consume me much anymore and I haven't seen her for 2 weeks but I do wonder sometimes what me true feelings for her are or are not and if they have changed or not.

[vivrantflo]

Heart,

 

Freddy is right.. you seriously need to put your foot down, and stop allowing her to play these games with you.

 

You don't need to see her in person to tell her to leave you alone. Your story has gone on for a loooong time, and I got to give it to your ex.. she's very efficient at keeping you at arms length.

 

You're not healing and getting over her because you don't want to. People on these forums have been telling you to walk for months now, and you won't do it.

 

Look at Freddy! There's got to be a time where you just say #cuk it.. you want to move on with your life, and not torture yourself.

 

She doesn't want what you want, so you should walk. This pain WILL continue as long as you allow it to.

 

You've told her that you're not interested in a friendship already.. so why do you still talk to her?? Or contemplate calling her?? or meeting her for dinner?? She's not going to tell you anything you really want to hear, so why bother??

 

You need a good 6-8 months of NC from this chick...

[heartoutside]

I don't talk to her, I haven' talked to her in well over a month. The reason I was talking to her was because we got back together in end of dec and into Jan. I don't want to meet her for dinner, that's why I didn't reply to her call or her texts. I'm just saying I woke up this morning missing her. I didn't contact her, I know it won't get me any where. To be honest, I miss her, I love her, and I would love things to work out, but I've excepted the fact that I can't say or do anything and that the only thing I have to worry about right now is me and my future and my happiness. She needs help and I'm sure down the road she'll be kick'n herself about this big time!

 

And the pain isn't bad at all....infact I wouldn't really call it pain...more of a longing or wanting.

[Freddy]

It's good that your looking after yourself and the future. Just don't let the longing and wanting creep back in and take over your life. A lot of us wish it was different and our EX's would come back but the fact is they left in the first place and only and only they can come back after they fix themselves or find out who they are.

 

I only say for myself is that I sabotaged myself for not taking a stand long ago and it doesn't really matter what I did or did not do cause their still going to do whatever it is there doing. In my case she's dating someone else and I let myself be her friend in hopes of resparking something we once had. That spark is never going to happen again not unless we become stronger and they want it more than being friends or someone to hold on.

 

Your doing good and just know that.

[upsetnhurt]

Heartoutside,,

 

Missing her is something you will feel for quite a long time. How you handle that feeling will define how quickly you can heal from your loss. Keep up the good work and simply focus on your own needs at this time.

Edited March 13, 2008 by upsetnhurt