Row row row your boat

[mark7429]

My wife (20+ years married) and I have had a difficult two years; my business was struggling and one of my two daughters is a very challenging teenager. So there was a lot of stress at home. My wife was working FT and I was too. However, she had the corporate job while I was self employed as a consultant. That translated to me having some leeway to come home early to shop, make dinners, do laundry and other chores. I also was the first one up and made breakfast for the kids, lunches and then drove them around in the late afternoon. Even in bad years, my business made enough to pay for all the extras; in good years, I made more than my wife and still cared for the kids and did most housework. My wife began distancing herself from me emotionally about two or three years ago--because of the limited success of my business at that time--she said. She added that she wanted to be home with the kids but couldn't because I didnt' make enough money. She became more and more abusive and hostile and had no patience with my attempts to have a conversation with her or to chat about much of anything. The company she worked for was going great guns--it always had been a hot growth Co. Our relationship deteriorated but we both didn't say very much to each other about what was going on. I worked with the kid to keep her on track--and the results were good. My wife had nothing good to say to me about my efforts and no appreciation whatsoever for my work at home or in my office.

Her company was finally purchased and she told me she had to "say goodbye" to all her friends. She no longer wanted to stay and took a decent severance package. She stayed out late at night at numerous parties while I cared for the kid and her Dad as well. She then informed me that one of her male colleagues was coming to NYC from CA and she was going to meet him in the city. I felt a little funny about this because I didn't know that the two of them were close. She then informs me that she's spending the afternoon with him, going to the Central Park Boathouse for dinner later and she's arranged for a rowboat so they can go out on the lake together. I forgot to mention that in the Summer, she had made the same arrangements for us and the kids to go out to the same place and celebrate a major anniversary. So, my wife thinks it's OK to introduce me to the idea that she has a close relationship with another guy from work by taking him to the same place she brought the kids and I for our celebration. I regret that I let her go ahead with this. I was thinking if I made a big deal out of it she'd see a weakness or think I'm acting like a jealous nut. However, the next day, after I asked her about how her date was, she basically told me next to nothing about what they talked about or what they did. At that point, I went ballastic and told her if this type of thing ever happened again I'd leave. She told me I was blowing everything out of proportion. I then decided to review her work emails when she was out and left her work PC on at home. What was clear was that she had very very close relationships with several men from her office and these relationships were all taking place in the same timeframe that her hostility was being aimed at me. Things are now much better. This because I took control and insisted that her behavior had to change. I also said that I had a responsibility for the deteriorating relationship as well. The question now is -- can I really trust my wife? And it's a serious issue. The emails that I reviewed were between her and three other male office "buddies" who were obviously more than just office buddies but probably less than lovers. I had to deal with two years of hostility in part as a result of the connections she made. She still denies that the endless lunches and intimate conversations she had with these men behind my back and behind their wives' backs were not connected whatsoever to situation. She says "I'm just a friendly person." I sometimes wonder if I should stick around until something else happens. But as I said, things are much much better.

[Duck n' Bunnies]

Sounds to me like she likes the ego boost, I mean, three guys at one time? I doubt she has similar feelings for all three... is she an attention grabber?

[Audg1964]

Any type of relationship that takes away from intimate conversations between the two of you, for example, if she is sharing her feelings with other male colleagues at work, rather than with you, is CHEATING.

 

It sounds like you're a great Husband and Father and she is an idiot.

 

So, the emails in and of themselves are inexcusable, nevermind the date!

 

That's just totally unacceptable.

 

You are allowing her to treat you like a doormat, IMO

[mark7429]

But once I confronted her after a couple of months and after she left work, the whole situation turned around.

[Cobra_X30]

But once I confronted her after a couple of months and after she left work, the whole situation turned around.

 

Mark, she has to PROVE that she is trustworthy. She owes that to you!

 

Seriously, I'd start looking for divorce lawyers! She sounds chronically selfish.

[mark7429]

I did check in with an atty back when she was still acting hostile after these incidents--after she had left work. Not sure if everyone knows this but in NY, for example, you have to hire a third party to prove mulitple infidelities or something close to that to really build a case. Otherwise it's just standard 50-50 no fault.