Can't Find Answers so posting a new thread

[GoodWife]

Hello Everyone. Ok...here's the thing. I'm 42. I've been married to my 2nd husband for just about 10 years. He left me on May 14th accusing me of having an affair. What I came to find out through my own detective work was that HE was the one having an affair.

 

For 3 weeks I begged, pleaded, called, text and whatever else I could think of to "convince" him that I wasn't cheating and he's making a big mistake and to please come home.

 

He came home AFTER I found out that he had moved in with this tramp from his work who he says was a "friend". I told him that "playtime is over" and he needs to get his ass home NOW!" Well, he DID come home.

 

My husband takes Ambien as he has trouble sleeping because of his bad back and I know how he gets when it's in his system. I tricked him into telling me everything. He actually started the affair with her 2 weeks before he left me. There's more to the story but to long to go into.

 

The bottom line is that he IS soooo very sorry for how he hurt me. He SWEARS it was a HUGE mistake and he'll NEVER do it again! He's cried as I was crying because of the hurt he caused.

 

I'm 6 months now into finding out all this stuff. Apparently I'm not "getting over it" as quickly as he would like. He refuses to talk to me about any of it saying, "how's this gonna help our marriage?" I feel like I know most if not all of the gory details. I don't know why I needed to know, I just did.

 

I've tried and tried. I just can't get past it. I can't get past the way he treated me while he was gone. Telling me I should be ashamed of myself for "making" him live out of his truck and wash up in bathrooms cause he had no where to live. I can't get past the way on Mothers day, 2007 he made it one of the worst days of my life walking around the house calling me a cheater. Being SO nasty when he said..."What? Do you expect me to be nice to you after you cheated just because it's mothers day??" WHAT AN ASS RIGHT?

 

Anyway...if he could stick his head in a hole he would after he came home and I reminded him of all that he said and did to me before he left and while he was gone. I've said to him (as soon as this morning) that I can't get past the fact that if I hadn't found HER number on a new prepaid phone that he bought himself and if I hadn't "CAUGHT" him...he'd probably still be with her...maybe he'd have his own place...but he's still be "with" her.

 

I've asked him "where was your guilt?" Where was the bad feeling in the pit of your stomache the first time you kissed her with all the while you knew I was home cooking your dinner?" Where was the overwhelming feeling of remourse the first time you "did it" (that's not what I said...but you get the idea) with her? Didn't ANYTHING in your mind say.."OMG, what have I just done?" But you didn't! You went back for more and more and more. You only came home cause you were caught!

 

He says he wants a life with me, it was a huge mistake and he loves me more then anything. He said he never, ever had any kind of feelings for her...it was basically just the sex.

 

I can't..I can't...get past this! I want a divorce but I just don't have the strength to say "get out!" It's almost like I would rather live there with him and me be miserable then to NOT KNOW where he is and how he's spending his nights and WHO he's spending his nights with. Not that I think he'd go back to her...OMG...SHE HATES HIM NOW AS HE DOES HER!

 

Look, I understand that with him or without him I'm going to have to deal with the fact that he did this to me. Even if we divorce...those horrible hurt feelings will still be there.

 

If anyone has any advise on how to get the courage to kick him to the curb, please give it to me. I'm not worried about money. I work 3 jobs and can support myself. I'm not worried about the kids (I have 3 kids from my first marriage) and I'm not worried about my house. It was my house before I met him and besides that...it's in my fathers name. It's not even mine on paper.

 

Even after everything I've told y'all..I do love him. In fact he asked me the other night..."Do you still love me?" My answer was..."yes and I wish so badly that I didn't." He asked "why?" I said, "because it would be so much easier to let you go if I didn't love you as much as I do."

[StillSame]

What has he done to show that he is remorseful? What has he done to make up for what he did? Ask yourself, what can he do to make it up to you? Communicate that to him and see if he is willing to do it. If not, you know what you'll need to do.

Edited January 30, 2008 by StillSame

[GoodWife]

Thanks for posting so quickly. Yes, we've been through all of that. He's met with no hesitation every single thing I've asked of him. Documentation of his time (cause I don't trust him) I've asked him to discontinue any and all conversation with her (they still work for the same place but only see each other for 1 hour a day 7:30am - 8:30am before they leave to do their seperate routes. (they work for a pest control co)...very feminine for her huh? I asked him to leave his cell phone on while he was driving to work so I could hear him tell her. He did and I heard her say.."I can't even say "hello" to you any more? He said, "no, I need to work things out with my wife which means there's no more contact at all from us. She needs to know she can trust me when I get to the garage." BLAH, BLAH, BLAH

 

In other words..yes, he's done everything I've asked. But...I can't have sex with him without my mind racing...'Did he do this position with her or just picturing the two of them together...it's horrible. I feel like I'm going out of my mind sometimes.

 

So...if anyone has either a way for me to be stronger...either to be able to forgive Jeff or to let him go...PLEASE...

[annieo]

There are some things that are, imo, unforgivable. The cheating is bad enough but for him to project his guilt onto you, when you are blameless, horrid.

Not uncommon, though. When I caught my h in a lie about strip clubs/dances, he originally told me partial truths, and at one point said, "Do you want me to make **** up?" when I kept pressing, and he still hadn't told me even the half of it. He didn't have to make anything up, he still had real crap to tell me. This is the kind of thing that you don't forget quickly. I obviously haven't and it's been a year and two months.

I am also 42, this is also my 2nd marriage, and I have 2 kids from a previous marriage, so some of your details really resonated with me. I can understand your hesitancy in separating from him. Don't want to be twice divorced, right? I know.

I can't say that I have any great advice. You'll just have to sit on this and think it through. But if he is totally unwilling, only 6 months later, to talk about this, he's continuing to be a great big jerk. He might not want to face up to what he has done, but has to if he really wants to work things out (eventually, it'll take time) with you. That's the least he owes you. Tell him that in no uncertain terms.

[samamelia]

INITIATIVE INITIATIVE INITIATIVE!

 

It's okay he has done everything you have asked him to do...but where is his initiative...how bout he come up with things to show you he cares and is willing to work it out...Good gravy, I could throw out ideas, but then you might wonder why he doesn't do those things...

 

The true question is he willing to step up and say, you are my everything and not only am I gonna say it, I'm gonna prove it...he should be thinking about what made you two fall in love and take it back...and when i say take it back, I mean rekindle the fire you both shared...spark it up...

 

I think you would be more trusting and forgiving if he would show some dang accountability and treat you like the injust instead of you being the dictator...

 

Think about it, be blessed

[GoodWife]

Thank you both for your fast posts and good advice. Yes, "Sam" and "ann" he does do things to show me. I mean..I'm gonna sound like a real jerk for saying this but...where to start on how he's changed.

Doing the dishes for me...Offering to take MY boys to or from their sports practices AND sits with me for every single one of their games. (don't forget these aren't HIS kids" He is being sweet as pie (most of the time). Last Sunday while I was working the closing shift at my Hollywood Tans Salon. I'm the manager of, it was Jeff's day off and when I got home at about 7:00 the entire house was spotless..I"m talking laundry, kitchen, bathroom, dusting, vaccuming.

 

He'll call me while he's on his way home asking if there's anything I need at the store since he's out he'll pick it up. So YES...HE'S DOING things to show me he wants my life to be a little easier and to show me that I'm on his mind. He texts me or calls me to ask how my day's going.

 

But...those things...while all very sweet...(Man I don't want to sound like a spoiled brat) but I dunno...I just wish I could swallow a pill that will let THAT part of my brain that can't stop thinking about what they had done...that would be the answer.

 

The stuff he's doing for me (sent me flowers the other day at work to tell me he loved me) YES...IT'S VERY SWEET but it's not taking away my anger. We HAD gone to couples counceling and I told the Dr. "Yes, he's trying but I'm still so angry".

 

The anger won't stop...it's getting worse.

[LostHusband]

He said he is sorry and it was a huge mistake, but has he asked for forgiveness? Sometimes it is very hard to forgive someone, but forgiveness has to happen before you can move on, otherwise the anger will take over. Forgiving him doesn't mean you have to take him back, but it will help you in the long run if you can forgive and not hold a grudge forever - you have to let go of that anger before it leads to hate and suffering...