wildheartfreesoul Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 I have a problem. Iv been in a really wonderful relationship with my boyfriend for a year now, and everything is still wonderful. He is understanding and loving and wise and forgiving and loyal. But there is another guy, i have been friends with him for about 4 years now and i really like him. We get along really well, he is very hansom, but the problem is...He lives in texas and i live in california, and I really want to meet him. But there is no way i can go meet him without A. lying to my boyfriend and hiding it from him (which i know will make me guilty and hate myself) or B. take a "break" from our relationship, which will make me jealous if he goes and has a fling too and of course is a very risky chance to take of actually getting back together. I have been talking with my texan friend about visiting him for a long time now, and i really want to, but i really do love my boyfriend and dont want to lose him. What in the world should i do??? I cant just forget about texas. I really really like him. Iv known him for a long time. but at the same time, is it really worth it to put my current relationship in danger to see if i really like texas enough to try a relationship with him? and is a relationship with him even possible???? Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 What in the world should i do??? I cant just forget about texas. I really really like him. Iv known him for a long time. but at the same time, is it really worth it to put my current relationship in danger to see if i really like texas enough to try a relationship with him? and is a relationship with him even possible???? Look chica, if you really loved your BF you wouldnt even consider this. I'd say break up with him and chase after Mr. Texas. You don't love him respect him, or appreciate him. No shame in dumping someone! Link to post Share on other sites
Author wildheartfreesoul Posted January 30, 2008 Author Share Posted January 30, 2008 i DO love him, thats the problem. it kind of scares me. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 i DO love him, thats the problem. it kind of scares me. Well, you have to make a choice. Jerking him around is not a good option. Your young right? Hey, love scares the crap out of me too! I pretty much run from it. Thats not a habit you want to get into. Believe me. Link to post Share on other sites
ShoeGirl Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 It's possible that you think you love your current boyfriend because it is familiar. What Cobra said is true, if you are seriously considering going to visit the guy in Texas you aren't really in love with your bf. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes, and imagine he's been flirting behind your back with Miss Colorado for the whoooooole time you've been dating him and developing feelings for him and falling in love with him. Then imagine he can't wait to go visit Miss Colorado and snuggle with her in front of a roaring fire after a day on the slopes...but...he has to choose between lying to you directly, or 'taking a break' from you so he can go snuggle with Miss Colorado. And then imagine he's thinking if things don't work out with Miss Colorado, he can always use you as his consolation prize. Now, how does Miss California feel about that situation? If he loved Miss California, he wouldn't think about lying, deceiving, and leaving her for hottie Miss Colorado. That's not loving behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wildheartfreesoul Posted January 30, 2008 Author Share Posted January 30, 2008 your right. its just silly fantasy that i should just forget. hes an online friend and that he will stay. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 your right. its just silly fantasy that i should just forget. hes an online friend and that he will stay. Mmm-hmm. If you really want to be true to your bf, you need to detach from Mr. Texas. The temptation will remain to cheat on your bf if you continue flirting with Texas boy behind your bf's back. It's not fair to your bf to carry on a flirtation with someone behind his back - that in itself is a deception. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 your right. its just silly fantasy that i should just forget. hes an online friend and that he will stay. Actually, the BEST way to handle this will be to tell Mr. Texas, "you know, we talk pretty intimately, and I think that's not fair to my boyfriend. I love him and feel I've crossed a line with you. I want to focus on my relationship, so it's probably best if we cool it." You can't JUST be friends with this guy. You've already toed the line and been acting and thinking in an unfair manner to your boyfriend. Really, you need to distance yourself as a friend. An email every 2 months is cool, but you need to create some space you your actual boyfriend has room in your head and heart. That's not going to happen as JUST A FRIEND. You need to create some space. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 your right. its just silly fantasy that i should just forget. hes an online friend and that he will stay. Well, I think the fact that you have this fantasy means something. Doesnt it? Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 I know I should be saying something good here but I just can't seem to find anything good to say because this is just silly! You claim you love your BF but you want to visit another guy that you really really really like?! I cannot say anything else that hasn't been said here by Cobra, NJ and Oppath. I'm just too shocked right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wildheartfreesoul Posted January 30, 2008 Author Share Posted January 30, 2008 iv cheated on him once before, about a month after we first started dating, and i was surprised how easily i did it. i told him right the next day because i felt so guilty about it, and he forgave me after a long talk. the reason i did it was because i felt very lonely and i was unsure about his feelings for me. right now i feel kind of unsure again because i just moved to san francisco, about an hour away from him. so im not sure what our relationship will be like now. and im lonely. this all sounds very pathetic, but talking about it helps me know what i really feel and what i really want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wildheartfreesoul Posted January 30, 2008 Author Share Posted January 30, 2008 Well, I think the fact that you have this fantasy means something. Doesnt it? well, dont we all have fantasies sometimes? Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Being lonely isn't an excuse to solicit intimate attention from another man. What you need, quite honestly, can't even be met by your boyfriend. You need to meet some of those needs on your own. So rather than myspace or whatever this guy from Texas, look on Craigslist and join a book club, and find a softball team to play on every Tuesday after work. If you are struggling because of the move, no man can meet those needs. You need to live your life and establish a social network. One-on-one interactions with men online is not the way to do that. Join coed clubs and be upfront about your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Your BF has no idea at all about this Texas Guy? Do you think telling your BF about him will help you get over Texas Guy? I'm sure it will help you from cheating again. I'm thousands of miles away from my BF and I have a lot of guy friends. A few are interested in me but here's the thing, I love my BF. I really do and we've been together for over a year now. I am not going to let something such as a fantasy come in between us. I am not going to act on it because it is just that - a fantasy. It could be that you're younger than I am or whatever but if you really feel like you're better off with Texas Guy then do your BF a favour and break up with him first. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 iv cheated on him once before, about a month after we first started dating, and i was surprised how easily i did it. i told him right the next day because i felt so guilty about it, and he forgave me after a long talk. the reason i did it was because i felt very lonely and i was unsure about his feelings for me. right now i feel kind of unsure again because i just moved to san francisco, about an hour away from him. so im not sure what our relationship will be like now. and im lonely. this all sounds very pathetic, but talking about it helps me know what i really feel and what i really want. And how is meeting up with Texas boy going to make you less lonely? Don't you think that will just add to your problems because your bf will eventually find out what's going on and kick your ass to the curb? Then you won't have a bf an hour away (hello! people drive that much to get to work every day, plus another hour on the way back!), and you'll have a friend you had sex with 1,736 miles away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wildheartfreesoul Posted January 30, 2008 Author Share Posted January 30, 2008 Your BF has no idea at all about this Texas Guy? Do you think telling your BF about him will help you get over Texas Guy? I'm sure it will help you from cheating again. he does know about texas, iv mentioned him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 he does know about texas, iv mentioned him. Does he know your really really like Texas Guy? Like NJ said, how is meeting TG going to make you less lonely?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author wildheartfreesoul Posted January 30, 2008 Author Share Posted January 30, 2008 And how is meeting up with Texas boy going to make you less lonely? Don't you think that will just add to your problems because your bf will eventually find out what's going on and kick your ass to the curb? Then you won't have a bf an hour away (hello! people drive that much to get to work every day, plus another hour on the way back!), and you'll have a friend you had sex with 1,736 miles away. i wouldnt go behind his back. i think already established that. im not a whore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wildheartfreesoul Posted January 30, 2008 Author Share Posted January 30, 2008 Does he know your really really like Texas Guy? Like NJ said, how is meeting TG going to make you less lonely?! well, hes about to. i know it wont make me less lonely. but it would be exciting. and cruel. and hurtful. and painful. and absolutly idiotic. its silly of me to think of going to texas to meet some guy. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 i wouldnt go behind his back. i think already established that. im not a whore. But you are thinking of going on a break, specifically to go visit this guy and see him and most likely hook up with him sexually, and then re-evaluate if you want to be with your bf? I'm not saying that's whorish, nor would it technically be cheating, but those things are irrelevant. What is relevant is that you are flirting and having intimate conversations with another man behind your boyfriends back that are so extreme, you are considering going to visit and to lie to your boyfriend about it. Again: how would you feel if he was flirting with a woman in Colorado without your knowledge, and thinking about lying to you to go visit her so he could explore his romantic connection with her? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 i wouldnt go behind his back. i think already established that. im not a whore. You missed my point. Let's say you break up with your bf and then go start something with Texas boy. How is it going to make you feel less lonely when he is 1700 miles away, when you already feel lonely with your bf only 50 miles away? Texas boy is going to be a lot further away from you, you'll see each other infrequently, and then what? Have you even met this guy, ever? What if you don't click at all in person...then you'll be all alone with NO guy. More and more, though, I'm thinking you need to break up with your bf. This really shouldn't even be a question if you love your bf. Link to post Share on other sites
ShoeGirl Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 well, dont we all have fantasies sometimes? Yes, everyone has fantasies but I get the feeling that this is more than a fantasy for you because you are talking to Texas guy frequently, you "really really really like" Texas Guy, you are considering going to Texas to see him, you are thinking of breaking up with your boyfriend for a guy you have never met. You need to figure out why you are so insecure with the relationship you are in now, then decide if you want to stay with your bf or leave him and pursue Texas guy or someone else. I'm sorry if I am being harsh, but you don't want to be back on here in a few months wondering how to get your bf back that you broke up with for a guy you thought you really liked. Link to post Share on other sites
j_hunt_12 Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 I'm not even going to talk about cheating here... it's bad but stuff does happen... BUT PLANNING TO BEFOREHAND??? If you LOVE someone you should be able to talk to them about everything major going on in your life. Sure, I go to clubs and have "thoughts" maybe a "fantasy" about that random hot girl a the club, but I dismiss them and keep going on with the serious relationship with the sweet girl that I love (and we are a 16 hour plane flight away from each other). If you "love" your BF be honest with him. Tell him: "your nice, but there is this guy I dont really know from Texas and he seems cool, I really think I like him and want to give him a chance... can we still be together and like... can I come back to you a few weeks later if it doesn't work out? because it's risky and I just kind of want to test out this fling... before i decide to be with you" hmm... Read what I just wrote then tell me again if you love him... you're comfortable with him but dont care about him. But if he does agree, GREAT... go for it...(there is no problems with open relationships, he might want one too); but he will probably leave you, like he should. That being said, there really is nothing wrong with breaking up with someone, just don't play them like that. And yeah, we southern boys ARE pretty amazing, if I might say so myself... haha peace Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 well, dont we all have fantasies sometimes? Uh... yeah, but those fantasies should revolve around the person you love. And when you do have fantasies about other people... you don't try to make them reality. i wouldnt go behind his back. i think already established that. im not a whore. I know your not a bad person. Otherwise you wouldn't be here questioning your thoughts and feelings... you would be in Texas. well, hes about to. i know it wont make me less lonely. but it would be exciting. and cruel. and hurtful. and painful. and absolutly idiotic. its silly of me to think of going to texas to meet some guy. Here is what I'm thinking. It really doesn't sound like your comfortable in your own skin to a certain degree. No man can make you complete. That includes your BF. You need to think about the amount of self esteem you derive from male attention! Do you know what I mean? Link to post Share on other sites
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