Seperated, but what now?

[cornerstone]

My wife and I have been together a total of 8 years. During that time, we have had our ups and downs as most couples, but always seemed to bounce back.

 

For the past several years, she has been involved in online games and chat rooms. During the early part of that time, I felt somewhat abandoned since she would always be online with her friends, and would act like it was a chore to do anything else, this including anything with me. She developed a role-play "marriage" in one of the games, and would also flirt in the other chat rooms, and then come to me all excited wanting sex, this being a time when we would go quite a time without any form of it. While maybe it was wrong for me to feel so "threatened" by this, it still made me feel uneasy. Eventually she promised that she would not be involved in those aspects of it anymore and all was good, it was then found out she continued.

 

She would post pictures of other women in her profiles for message boards saying she didn't like the way she looked, mind you I have always expressed how attractive I felt she was. Finally she agreed to post a real picture in place of the fake one, and explain to her friends that she had not told them the truth about who she was, which, they all responded understandingly.

 

I have been burned badly in a relationship where I was cheated on and lied to over and over, even was there one night when she brought home another guy who, once it was discovered I was at the apartment, was a long lost friend from school and strangely needed to be taken home about 15 to 20 minutes later....however she did not know where to take him "back" to. I admittedly have trouble believing in myself, and trusting other people partially from this, partially from other places. However, while this may not make much sense to some, I fully trust my wife, I just do not trust other's motives, mainly guys. I have been around men who cheat on, and are only interested in one thing for a while, and it's not a trait I find trustworthy. I guess you could say I am a guy prejudice against guys. Cheating on your loved one is the worst form of betrayal, I can't see how anyone who considers themselves a "man" or a real woman could stoop to this.

 

We have alot of arguments that stem from this and house cleaning, (when she worked from home and admitted most of the day she just played online) however I find now that she has always given in and we have never actually resolved anything, which is not how I would have best thought the best solution. I have always greeted friends and her by "who you doing" (instead of how you doing) forever, she eventually took offense to it, I kept doing it out of habit, this drove her very angry. I honestly meant no harm or asumptions by it.

 

She now works nights, and when she would get home, we would have maybe about 1 to 2 hours left between the time I went to bed. I selfishly felt this time should be spent somewhat together, however it seemed she could not wait to get to her friends online, she would rush a kiss to me and almost lean over the couch like what I say, "a worm in hot ashes", meaning feeling very uncomfortable.

 

I have tried to be a good husband, I think maybe to the point of too good. She has never wanted, to my knowledge, for anything she didn't get eventually, I tried to be there when she needed me (the best I knew how), never failing to let her know how pretty she looked when she dressed up, when I went out to dinner, I would always bring her something home so she would have something good after she got off work, etc. I could go on. She says I smother her, maybe so. For a while, before we separated, she was spending almost all waking moments on chat rooms and web cams. When I would walk into the room, she would immediately shut down any chat channels she had open like someone had kicked her in the butt.

Later she said that one of the chat windows was she was talking about us and our problems and she didn't want me to get upset, I would have been ecstatic if I had known that. I saw it as she was always staying up talking to a few guys and women, however most of the time I was there, it was to a guy. Whenever I would try to get involved in any of the conversations, she would get frustrated saying I was hovering over her, and smothering, I honestly did not mean to do anything of the sort.

 

Since then, she has moved out and we are going to counseling. We are going to be "dating" a day on the weekends. She says she doesn't know what she wants to do. I'm liking the space, as is she. However I love being married to this lady. She is a very wonderful person when she is not stressed out and being herself. It seems like we've gotten ourselves in a rut, and I want to do everything I can to help get us out of it, however I don't want to do to much.

 

I don't want anybody to get me wrong, there are two sides to every story, these instances are the best to my understanding of what's happening around me. I do not feel she would cheat on me, I trust her, however sometimes difficult considering some circumstances make that. I do. We have had some great times, I don't feel they have actually gone anywhere, they are still there. I feel we've just lost sync and forgotten how to get them back.

 

What is my question? I honestly don't know, I'm typing as my thoughts come out. I guess just looking for advice, I already have faith. Maybe she will even visit this message board, and it will help to better understand for us both reading, and putting our thoughts and feelings to words.

[cornerstone]

I guess I know one of the things I was looking for, like many others in one of the other forums here I've read. (I guess this is in the wrong section)

 

I love her dearly, and I had much rather work on building what we have, no matter what type of or condition the foundation is in at this possible moment, she, and our realationship is worth it. I made a promise and vow to love, honor, and cherish, simply because then I did, and to this day still do. For better or worse is what I meant then, and is what I feel in my heart and soul now.

 

I don't want to do too much, however I do not want to do too little. I am enjoying my life, I have also learned a great deal about myself, and there are things I want to change. I guess the best thing I can do is know that in my heart, and the rest will show through. Any prayers and/or suggestions are greatly appreciated.

[BillG]

Hi Cornerstone,

 

Well the hardest thing you have to face is her free will. You can't do anything to change that. Take the time to know yourself, feel good about yourself and if the moment happens that she realizes what she is losing then you can start to communicate how you feel.

 

Unfortunately until that time, any effort on your part would be unnoticed and futile.

 

Keep the Faith, keep the prayers and know that God only gives us as much as we can handle and never any more.

 

Good luck..