How do I get over my cheating bf when pregnant?

[JenniiMichelle]

I kicked my now ex-boyfriend out of the house because I found out that he has been secretly talking to his ex girlfriend and hes seen her behind my back this year. I am currently 5 months pregnant. I dont know how Im supposed to get over this! Its only been about a week. I went out with friends yesterday and after a while I just didnt feel like being there. There was other guys too but I dont think I wanna do that when im pregnant, not that many men would want to be with a pregnant girl anyways. I guess this is gonna be a lonely four months. I know I wont talk to him though because I got a restraining order against him and kicked him out and he really had no place to go. I dont know what hes thinking about me doing that, but trust me he deservered it! He hasnt even had a job in four months. How can I deal with this. It would help if I could drink (not too much) and meet other people but I cant

[JenniiMichelle]

wow, that reply doesnt help me at all.I work different jobs, and Ive been buying things for the baby, Im trying to do good and I just need support to get over this the next four months before I have my baby.

[MakeLemonade]

It sounds like you are doing the right thing, really - some might tell you to tolerate a cheater for the sake of your baby, but I won't. Lean on family and friends for support. Get PSYCHED! You are going to be a MOM and it is the best experience I have ever had (2 year old twin boys :bunny:) It will change your life in ways you can't even imagine. I am sure you know that. Good ways!

 

Just know that cheaters usually cheat again, and continue to cheat and if you got a restraining order that tells me he was abusive as well. That is no environment for a baby!

 

There are lots of men who would like to get to know you and treat you well and be a good father to your child. If that guy really is a jerk, and you can afford to do it all on your own, I would keep him off the BC and get him out of your life. Anyone can shoot the sperm, not everyone is meant to be a father.

 

I don't know enough to say whether that advise is right or wrong, only you can figure out what is best for your situation but there are lots of women who raise their children alone or with the eventual help of a father who isn't the "baby-daddy" and they do just fine.

[dropdeadlegs]

JenniiMichelle,

 

What you are going through is sad, but kicking him out will ultimately be the best thing for you and your child. He isn't worthy.

 

I know it's hard, and will probably be hard for awhile, but taking a stand for yourself right now was necessary to ensure a good future for yourself and your baby.

 

Right now you need to allow yourself to grieve that the father of your child cannot have the place in your lives that you envisioned. It's ok to be sad about that. Concentrate on your baby and the future you will be sharing with him/her. If you have family and friends to lean on, do it.

 

For now, it's best to let go of the idea of drinking, going out, or dating. That might not be easy, but you only have a few months to prepare for the baby and those months will pass quickly.

 

I know you asked for assistance with getting over your BF, but try to see the positive side of him being gone, too. If he hasn't been working, you will have more money and one less mouth to feed. It is better for this to happen now, than to go through years of pain only to end up in the same place.

 

If you need financial assistance, there is probably much available for you.

 

Good luck, dear. Your life isn't over and getting through this can have many lessons and strengthen you immensely.

 

Above all, don't think that what you have seen on this thread is what LoveShack is all about. There are many caring individuals here that will support you through the next four months and beyond.

[JenniiMichelle]

Thanks, its really helping me. The thing is he wanted to be a family, and he was crying over the phone, before I kicked him out he had been begging me for days to still be together, and I would give in sometimes because hes so convincing. He was so excited about having the baby and he wants to be there. I told him he could have visitation and he was crying and said no he wants to be a family, but I cant live thinking hes always gonna cheat on me. I caught him several times talking to his ex girlfriend and now I feel stupid for believing they were just friends. He hasnt done anything yet for the baby anyways. Im only five months pregnant and ive already bought it a car seat and a a little bassinet play yard. Im so tempted to buy more too but other people have offered me things so I have to wait

[dropdeadlegs]

Glad you're feeling better. It will probably be easier to help you if you give some more details about your situation. The more people who identify with what you're going through will bring more responses and advice to your thread.

 

The first thing I would like to know a bit more about is the circumstances that brought about the restraining order. I ask because these things are called by different names in different areas. Some call it a protective order. Some call it a peace bond. I just want to make sure we are talking about these types of legal orders. If you have one, he cannot call you nor direct anyone else to call you without directly violating the order. Also these orders are usually written when there has been violence or a threat of violence.

 

In what way has he cheated on you? You have mentioned some conversations and personal visits with an ex girlfriend. Since different people have different ideas of what constitutes cheating, I'd like to clarify what he has done to you. You said he "deserved" being kicked out and I believe you.

 

Things are usually pretty bad for a pregnant woman to kick a man out. I know you must be scared about the future, but I'm sure you did what you HAD to do. Actions always speak louder than words, and his apparent lack of action while claiming to want to be a family must have been deafening.

 

How is your pregnancy going? Do you know the sex of the baby yet? It's not relevant, I'm just curious and babies are exciting. It doesn't seem that your boyfriend was much in the way of a financial support loss, but do you have what you need? Are you eating and sleeping okay? I have found that people are very generous with their baby furniture and clothes. Baby things are so "lightly" used and I know I gave away all my stuff. Is your family supportive?

 

Take care of yourself and try not to become too stressed. This should be a time of joy, and I'm sure it still is many ways. I'm sorry you are going through it alone in the one way that counts.

[JenniiMichelle]

well I got naked pictures of her that she sent to him on my phone and after alot of fighting he confessed those were not the only ones, and that he sent her some too. they werent meant for me to see but her phone sent them the next day I guess by accident. I know that if he lied about seeing her and going to her her house then they did something. after he finally confessed to seeing her, he said he just went to her house to "talk" ...yeah right, im not dumb. Also, that girls boyfriend (she was cheating on him) told me that she said he came to her house one time when he was drunk but never came in. I know what his intentions were if he drove all the way over there when he was drunk. the first time I caught him talking to her was back in october when I saw a picture of them too that was in his myspace inbox, I got his password with a keylogger cuz I was suspicious. and I guess i was so suspicious because im pregnant because I had never been so suspicious before. He replied back and said shes so beautiful. After that I guess he got better at hiding it, but occasionally she would call, and then she would hang up. we would always fight about it too he said it was just her calling and that shes the one that keeps wanting to talk to him, and that they have always been friends.

 

I have a protective order against him, this is the second one ive had. The first one I didnt want but the judge ordered it because I called the police on him for being violent with me. about 2 months after that incident he left me with a blackeye from slapping me so much. That was because we were fighting about that girl calling. I even forgave him for all that.

 

I guess some people will never change no matter how much they promise. because he promised to stop hitting me and he said he wont ever talk to her again, and I know I cant believe him, but he was so convincing. I feel like Im weak and always give in because I dont wanna be lonely. but I dont wanna do that again.

[dropdeadlegs]

Thanks for the info, JM. It helps to be more supportive when the facts are laid out.

 

Good for you that you "don't wanna do that again." You have taken back your self respect, and kept it for a week! Believe me, that is an accomplishment to be proud of. You have somebody else to be strong for now, too.

 

If you really want to make sure he is getting the big picture, report every attempt he makes at contacting you. Violating protective orders can result in jail time. I can't say that it always happens right away, but repeated offenses with a judge that is stern don't often take long.

 

I'm not one to suggest keeping a child from their father by not naming him on the birth certificate and such, (and depending on your state or country naming the father may or may not even be allowed in unmarried situations) because I believe even bad fathers should help to raise their kids. He may not even be a bad father, just a bad boyfriend. But if visitation is allowed, watch that temper of his carefully. I would probably opt for sole custody if it should come down to that. Sole custody will not prevent you from living your life and allows more options than joint custody does. For instance if you meet someone later and wish to move with him, you can without court approval. But he definitely should pay some kind of financial support over the years. It isn't always easy to collect. All of this depends on where you live and his desire to be a part of the child's life, of course.

 

You just keep being strong, because what you are doing took strength, not weakness. Give yourself some credit, okay? And remember, actions speak louder than words. I believe people can change, and babies are a positive motive for change, but make him show you change, not just speak of it.

[LoveLace]

I agree you should take pride in this, in the sense that most girls would probably not be strong enough to kick the guy out, especially while being pregnant. Goes to prove you have the strength to get through the pregnancy without needing him or anyone else. Let your family and friends be your support as much as possible. Independence is a powerful identity, one that gives you more power all by itself. Long as you have that, you'll be fine. Look forward to the day when you meet someone who IS worthy and deserves you....but of course, focus on baby for now!

[JenniiMichelle]

Ive been feeling really really lonely though. I dont really feel like doing anything or talking to anybody even though I know I should When is this going to feel a little better? hopefully after another week of not talking to him. I have no idea where he is, I wonder who hes with, if hes staying at anothers girls house since he really had no where to go. I wanna work out because I used to go like 4 days a week, but we had been fighting so I havnt gone in like almost 2 weeks. Maybe I will go swimming tonight. I hope hes having all the feelings of loneliness that Im having.

[LakesideDream]

Jennii, Reading your thread has made me very sad. I absolutely cannot understand why a man (or even boy) would act so badly, hurting the mother of his child so profoundly.

 

It makes me want to apologise for him, or smack some sense into him.

[dropdeadlegs]

Ive been feeling really really lonely though. I dont really feel like doing anything or talking to anybody even though I know I should When is this going to feel a little better? hopefully after another week of not talking to him. I have no idea where he is, I wonder who hes with, if hes staying at anothers girls house since he really had no where to go. I wanna work out because I used to go like 4 days a week, but we had been fighting so I havnt gone in like almost 2 weeks. Maybe I will go swimming tonight. I hope hes having all the feelings of loneliness that Im having.

Feeling lonely is normal. Understand that it's okay to not feel like doing anything or talking to anybody.

 

As for feeling better, it can take weeks or even months. Especially in your situation.

 

I know what it's like to wonder about where he is, and who he is with. It's hard to deal with those thoughts.

 

Working out will help! Don't stop doing what you are used to doing! Resuming life is soooo important!

 

Uggghhh. I have been where you are (minus the pregnancy yet plus a newborn) and I understand your loneliness/pain.

 

Just keep thinking about your self respect. That really helped me through so much. I wasn't working out and believe it would have helped me a lot.

 

His feelings shouldn't concern you. I, personally, wish he would be hit by a bus.

[JenniiMichelle]

thanks it really helps me to come here. Tonight I went out with a friend and this guy shes seeing, and his brother thats kinda into me, but I keep thinking that their not HIM, and Im just not interested in anyone else, it feels awkward to me. but i know its good for me to be around other people, it beats sitting at home crying in my bed. but then after a while I just feel like going home again. and for alot of the time I was thinking how I want to get back together with him and be with him again. That is the most serious ive thought about it since I kicked him out and dont want that feeling to get stronger. I know I will be seeing him at the court date next week thursday about the restraining order and I find myself actually looking forward to it. Damn this sucks, this is the first time in my life Ive had to get over someone, its my first serious relationship.

[dropdeadlegs]

Gee, I hope nobody will ever be "him" again. You deserve so much better!

 

You might not feel that way today, or tomorrow, but I promise that you will in time.

 

Please give yourself that "time." And keep posting!

[Ariadne]

I got a restraining order against him and kicked him out and he really had no place to go. I dont know what hes thinking about me doing that, but trust me he deservered it! He hasnt even had a job in four months

 

Why did you put a restraining order on him?

 

Did you fear for your life?

 

I'm sure it was not that bad, you probably were upset that he was talking to his "ex".

 

You know you can ruin his whole life with this, he is the father of your child and he is supposed to provide for him.

 

Be careful what you do.

[dropdeadlegs]

Why did you put a restraining order on him?

 

I have a protective order against him, this is the second one ive had. The first one I didnt want but the judge ordered it because I called the police on him for being violent with me. about 2 months after that incident he left me with a blackeye from slapping me so much. That was because we were fighting about that girl calling. I even forgave him for all that.

Restraining orders were deserved, IMO.

[Ariadne]

Restraining orders were deserved, IMO.

 

Ah, I missed that part.

 

Well, they were fighting about the ex and he slapped her.

 

Good reason to dump him, but hopefully she'll remove that restraining order.

 

The guy needs to provide for the baby now.

[JenniiMichelle]

well its a protective order because he has been violent towards me in the past, and also in our recent fights. They wouldnt let me get it if he wasnt doing that. We lived together so I needed him to leave and he refused, the last time the police came to arrest him because I called the cops on him for holding my face down, covering my mouth and threatening to strangle me. He went to jail and the very next day I found out I was pregnant so he came back even though the judge ordered the first protective order He left me with a black eye a little over a month ago cuz we were fighting over the same girl again. After those things, i tried to get away from him but we lived together so that never lasted long.

 

aside from him talking to his ex, this wasnt a very healthy relationship, Ive known it all along but its too hard to get away. Yes I did kick him out because I was pissed, that one incident where I found out him cheating hurt me the most. It made me feel like hes not gonna stop doing things to hurt me.