Reconciling after 2 years of separation

[millergirl]

I accidentally found this site in a search for other people who have reconciled after a long separation. My husband and I have been separated for over two years now and just within the last few days we have decided to try and put our family back together.

 

In the beginning we had a great relationship. We told each other everything and had a great time doing things together. We lived on the same property as his parents which was very hard after a while. His Mom is a very nosey person and felt it was her right to know what was going on with us at all times. After a while it really got old. My husband had an opportunity to transfer with his company to Alabama. We talked about it and decided to go ahead and make the move. We had a wonderful relationship while we lived there. After only being in Alabama a year, my husbands mother decided to leave his Father so not really having anywhere else to go, his Father came and moved with us in Alabama. His Dad lived with us for the duration of our relationship. That is where most of our problems started. Very long story short, I finally left because I couldn't take his family's interference in our lives anymore. My husband did nothing to stop any of this from happening.

 

We are both willing to put past behind us and move toward putting our family back together. We have always been friends even during the separation we always got along great. We now have 3 children and it was important to us to get along for them. We are willing to go the distance that it will take to put this back together. I know with counseling and advice from others in our same situation will help tremendously. I just wanted to hear from some of you that have been through something similiar and how you worked through your issues. Any advice that I can get will be helpful and maybe I can help someone else as well.

 

Thanks....

[june-bug]

Hi! i am a new member also. I am separated for 5 mos, and we are very friendly and respectful because we care about each other and our son. I want back in, and my ex says "door is not closed, but not right now". did either you or your spouse date during separation? my ex is dating someone and i feel like it's not serious. if you did date. how did you navigate that situation regarding your children?

[BareGoddess]

My ex-husband and I once separated for a year and got back together (before we were married.) Well he's an ex, so that tells you how it went for me.

 

From what I understand, second chances rarely work. But from what I hear it's because the same issues still cropped up and were never resolved in the first place (true in my case.)

 

So I wasn't clear on your situtation...is the mother-in-law out of the picture now? Unless your H decides to put you, as his wife, and your family FIRST, you're in danger of splitting up again. Has that issue really been resolved?

[smileysmile]

Nice to hear these stories.

 

Millergirl.

 

Your situation is so different to most on here. The reasons why you S in the first place I mean. Did either of you date anybody whilst apart?

Emotionally attach/physically attach to others?

 

Could you accept that? When you get back together? Would it be brought up?

So why would he want to reconcile now? Grass is not greener on the other side?

 

I am happy though if you do make this a success. Bring the family together again. But resolve the issues that broke you up first

 

Hi! i am a new member also. I am separated for 5 mos, and we are very friendly and respectful because we care about each other and our son. I want back in, and my ex says "door is not closed, but not right now". did either you or your spouse date during separation? my ex is dating someone and i feel like it's not serious. if you did date. how did you navigate that situation regarding your children?

 

Junebug,

 

Separated for 5 mths? Separate homes?

Why did you S?

And he seems to be having a little fun for now although he says the door isn't closed.

 

If it isn't serious how do you know? How would it be after he slept with another woman? That is if you did get back. Have you dated? Are you tempted?

Sorry about the questions

[june-bug]

smileysmile:

yes, separate homes. we split because we communicated so poorly over the years that we became a little too distant. i may be in the middle of idealizing the situation, but in retrospect it was nothing that time alone and counseling couldn't have helped with. we had a kid, lost our connection. pretty easy to do. i initiated the split because i thought it would help us to step back and get to know each other again. didn't communicate that well, though. i wasn't in a hurry because i didn't think a 3rd party would enter the situation right away.

I don't think it's serious because they spend very little time together, and because he moves so slowly. (mayne not!! hehe) I just don't get the idea that is could be. he tells me and my family and all of our friends that he is sad, and has anxiety and can't be alone, thus spending all his time with friends. If we got back together, i'm sure him having been with someone else would be a sore spot for me.

I have considered dating. I may, if a notice anyone i'd like to spend time with. I don't really feel like it's productive.

[millergirl]

Hi there. Sorry it took me so long to respond. During our separation we got along very well for the kids. We both started dating people. Neither one of us really liked that the other was doing this but I think that by seeing each other with other people really made us realize that we didn't want anyone else. He dated a girl for almost a year but still made comments about us maybe trying again. Pretty soon we just decided to give it a try. We have always gotten along even in the worst part of our relationship. While I agree that my situation is different from most, we are both willing to let go of the past and keep an opened mind to the future.

[millergirl]

The mother-in-law lives in another city now so she isn't an issue now at all. My H now sees the damage she caused and is ready to tell her to back off. We are seeking counseling and are also involved in some family programs within the church. As long as we are both dedicated to this and ultimately have the same goal, I believe we can make it work and if if doesn't, at least we can say that we tried.

[guessjeans]

I would like to ask you Millergirl...I am in a position where my husband and I after 26 yrs together (met him when I was 16 yrs old..now 47 yrs old) I still love him very much and would like to try again. He is seeing someone now and has since October. She is 10 yrs older than me and works where he does. She just left her husband and they immediately became a couple.

 

He said the last time I talked to him that the relationship with her is like when you love someone just because you are with them, but nothing more. He said "its not like that between us" he said. He did say he could see us in a relationship again, that although its been 4 YRS since we split, he said i even still dream about you.

 

When I told him i was starting to see someone he said "good for you"..lol. He has some insecurity issues. He fears since I left, I would do it again. It was more mutual than anything else. We just lost our way.

 

My question is...although I just started seeing this person, and I havent had sex with anyone else in the 4 yrs since we split, he has with this woman, and that of course is to be expected. But i am assuming that your husband has also. How do you get past that? I know it sounds immature, but this was my husband for 26 yrs and yes, I did leave, and yes he is entitled to his sexual life after we split..but how do you put it behind you since in the 47 yrs i have only been with one man, and that is him.

[millergirl]

Guessjeans,

 

My situation is similiar to yours in that I was the one who left but he hasn't had sex (that I know of) since we were seperated almost 2 years ago. He was in a relationship with a girl (I say girl because she is 28 I am 43...LOL) he is 6 years younger than I, anyway, she had religious beliefs that kept them from having sex with one another. Even though he was with her he did the same to me as your does with you, he said that he was dating her because he wanted someone in his life but that he thought of me all the time.

 

The difference is here was that I was in a one year relationship myself, we almost got married and I was intimate with this guy so my husband is going to have to get over that somehow and move forward. I am not sure how you get over it, I just know that if we want our marriage to work this time we have to let go of the past and wipe the slate clean and start over from scratch. Very hard to do especially in your situation where you guys had been together for 26 years. I think that the counseling that we do, the books we read, the advice we get and the dedication that we put towards making it work will help us to be successful and who knows, maybe have an even better relationship then we did before. You just have to learn to let go of the old stuff and open yourself up to the new. I have let go of all of the resentments of the past and move on. I am hoping that he can do the same.

[june-bug]

I am glad that you were able to come back to your relationship. It's what i hope happens to me. We are also very friendly and get along easily. My ex is dating a girl, but everyone suspects that it is a distraction. I may date as well, as a means to finding my personality again after a dark winter of being depressed and anxious. He said to me that he was just ready to feel anything besides hopelessness. I think us dating others may help us gain perspective on this situation. I am not replacing him, only trying to regain my confidence.

He told me that the idea of me dating makes him nauseous, and his stomach twists up when he thinks of it. So he knows how i feel about his dating! I hope for the best. but will not dangle at the end of "the door isn't closed"

[millergirl]

June bug:

 

That is exactly what we did. We dated other people and while I know that probably woundn't work for everyone, it helped us. It really gives you a chance to see what is out there, (it is slim pickin's...) and makes you realize how good you had it in your marriage. That is what it did for me. I started to date first and of course he didn't like it and when he started to date it really bothered me too. It took counseling with his girlfriend to see if their relationship could go further to realize that he didn't want to marry someone else. I am happy that we were able to realize all of this before we filed the divorce. I wish you the best of luck and it sounds as if you both really do care about each other still. It sounds like you are on the right track. Just date and have fun for now and see what happens. I am pulling for you!!!

[smileysmile]

The difference is here was that I was in a one year relationship myself, we almost got married and I was intimate with this guy so my husband is going to have to get over that somehow and move forward

 

I am throwing this question out there.

 

Ok, this is the 'second chances' forum. We all want a second chance of of getting back with our spouses.

Whatever the reasons for separating for one or both spouses started dating other men/women. Now here here in the UK that pretty much says you are sh*gging them. I would like to think that 'dating' is going and for a game of bowls, cinema or to a bar lol. Who am I kidding??

 

Now whomever was 'dating', whether it be just the one or both of you in your mind your M was over. Period!

You fell out of love with your spouse. Yet the above "quote" posted by Millergirl says she "almost" got married!

Became very intimate with this guy. So what went wrong? Because you must have been in love with this guy? That scares me. In my situation that is.

How the heck did you get out of that? And then reconcile with your ex?

To have those stong feelings to almost get married!!

 

Now I would like to think as I have read somewhere on here that the OM my ex is er so so seeing. Not entirely sure now (read my threads) but I would like to think he is ONLY a "distraction."

Personally I can't see a future with him. But he is doing something right to get her attention UNTIL it fizzles out.

My STBXW was hurt big time by me and is trying to get over it. She is still VERY angry with me. Yet I am disappointed in her for 'moving on' so quickly. Maybe I am just not getting it? Maybe knowing this has bruised my insecure ego.

So how do we get over this? If we were to get back together as you guys are? How do we get over that you had more than just a sh*g with this OM/OW? That you shared intimate feelings etc? Hmmmm

I guess we don't own our spouses and if you neglect there needs then they will accept attention from whoever is wanting to give it.

Keep there 'love tank' full and nurture the love for them and they will only have eyes for you.

But not knowing what they shared with this OP, sexually and emotionally would probably play on my mind and brought up sometime. Which would really ruin things. How the heck will I know that my spouse didn't have very strong feelings for this OP. I will never know.

It scares the crap out of me. This of course wouldn't have happened if I didn't screw up. Our vows would have stayed sacred and intact.

 

Is it ok to date and sh*g when you are still legally M? Though you are going through a D can you really say it is ok to date/sh*g that OP because I am S from you. I did it when we were S and not with you?

 

Hmmmm, I need to get my head around this.

[millergirl]

I am throwing this question out there.

 

Is it ok to date and sh*g when you are still legally M? Though you are going through a D can you really say it is ok to date/sh*g that OP because I am S from you. I did it when we were S and not with you?

 

To answer your question, hindsight is 20/20 but now looking back I wish that I would have done what it took to stay in the marriage, do the counseling and worked it out. I feel guilty for having this relationship while I was still married. I had filled the divorce papers out and everything but never could bring myself to file them. I should have NEVER engaged in another relationship until the divorce was final.

 

My relationship with this other guy happened months after we were separated and I really believed that we were going to divorce. There was never any infidelity going on in our marriage on either parts. But I still feel like I was unfaithful because I was still technically attached to him, it was a piece of paper but it was still a legal binding marriage.

 

It is scary that I almost married this other guy. Had my divorce happened, I may have done it. I really thought that I loved him but I was filling a void and was trying to find something else so that I could move on with my life.

 

It can be a very bad idea to date/sh*g someone while you are still married. You never know if you will reconcile and then you will have a whole other problem to deal with besides the ones that made you separate in the first place. On the other hand, by dating other people, we realized that we didn't want anyone else. It really is a catch 22. The mistake I made was getting too involved with this guy when I should have just dated without the intimacy. I would have felt better about that.

 

For us, we are both willing to let the past behind us and go on. I am no longer resentful for the things that happened in our marriage. My husband had become friends with my ex during the year that he and I were dating and given the fact that my ex dated too, neither one of us can really bring up the exes to the other since we both did it. Time will tell but I am very optimistic that we will make this work.

[june-bug]

I don't know if my ex is sleeping with his new "date". i assume so, but he moves so slowly, I can't be sure. I try not to dwell on that, i would go crazy with jealousy (and sometimes do).

 

I want to date, but not necessarily for physical aspect. My ONLY motivation is to get my self back to normal. I left my relationship not realizing what i had. I want it back. but i cannot just wither away, either. i weighed 98 lbs two mos ago, because when i found out he was dating i made a leap of faith and told him i wanted to reconcile. he was hesitant, saying he wanted time to process, he thought i was gone for good, didn't think highly of him etc. Instead of being slow and talking through, we spent the nigh together and he panicked and backed off. I fell into an anxious depressed spiral. he says now, that he needs to work on some things, the door is not closed, but for now he wants independence.

 

So, if we reconcile, ever, there will be extra baggage of dating. I can't control his choice to date. He is an honest caring guy and i think, ultimately wants his family intact and for whatever reason, needs to figure stuff out.

 

I feel like he's cheating on me even though technically, he's not. So i will date. I think everything's fluid, when dealing with love. loss, family and time.

[smileysmile]

I really thought that I loved him but I was filling a void and was trying to find something else so that I could move on with my life.

 

Very interesting.

 

Did you tell your ex (husband) that you had "moved on?"

 

Were those the words you used? I guess they were otherwise you wouldn't have gone with OM.

 

I am still unsure why my ex would 'go there' so soon other than for her low self esteem. That hurts me.

 

I feel guilty for having this relationship while I was still married. I had filled the divorce papers out and everything but never could bring myself to file them. I should have NEVER engaged in another relationship until the divorce was final.

 

Yes this is so true and it should be for everybody. Because we are all STILL M. It is more than just a piece of paper.

 

My ex didn't go looking for it. He was there in the office. Men being men pursued her and she fell for his charm. His attention and caring. lol *sick*

 

Part of me believes the above quote by you is what she feels. Part of me also believes and hopes that all of what you said is what she feels to.

[millergirl]

I can probably tell you exactly why she moved on so quickly. It is the reason why most of us women move on so fast. I had a very high self-esteem but I was also afraid of being alone..... Her low self-esteem would definitely make her move on quickly and probably to the first one that showed her any attention.

 

I think that she is just filling a void in her life right now. The low self-esteem is making her stay with this guy. He is probably telling her all the things that she wants to hear and right now it feels good to her. Sooner or later though, she will start to see that maybe he isn't the right person for her. I can only speculate but if she latched on to this guys so soon, she obviously didn't take the time to really know if he was right for her. How long has this been going on with this guy? Do you guys have divorce papers drawn up yet? I'm telling you, I was so convinced that this guy was the one for me and he wasn't. He was different from my husband and I really liked that at first but there were things that I found while dating him that I absolutely couldn't stand and my husband was looking better and better. I know that it is a cliche but the grass really isn't greener on the other side. You may not have the same issues but there WILL be issues. My husband and I now have decided that divorce will NEVER be an option for us EVER....no matter what we are going to work out anything that comes our way period.....

[smileysmile]

I just read the above...I was married to a man that said very hurtful things to me also and it is very hard for someone to get over that. I think that in time she will forgive you for the hurt that you caused her. Depends on what kind of person she is really. I am a very forgiving person and forgave my ex a long time ago. Would I go back to him, not in a million years. He was also physically abusive which is a whole different animal altogether. The question is, can you forgive yourself? That is what you need to be focusing on. She may never forgive you, that is reality...we all do things to cause the people who are closest to us some sort of pain and not because we purposely want to hurt them it just happens for what ever reason, stresses in our lives cause us to lash out on the people who matter most.

 

You seem like a nice person who has realized his mistakes. Honestly, in time I think that she will forgive you. You just have to give it time.

 

As well as answering my above question I found you posted this on another thread.

Yes my STBXW is HURT and ANGRY with me and she has said there are a few things she will NEVER forgive me for and will take to her grave.

They were only words I used but not nice at the time. They were said in the heat of the moment and although I shouldn't have said them they were hurtful to her. I realize they were hurtful but they were only words.

Wrong choice of words. Not about her personally but I gave her the impression I didn't want to be there...long story.

Strangely enough, she said I didn't try to win her back whilst were in the throws of S last year. And these hurtful words were said months before.

I guess she has had time to reflect whilst S and time to remember all the things that were said or done to keep her away.

I guess, time, space and time for her anger to melt will go a long way. But I think she is that type of girl that NEVER goes back. Though this time we have a D and that may or may not help. We have to see each other so who knows.

[millergirl]

Did you tell your ex (husband) that you had "moved on?"

 

Were those the words you used? I guess they were otherwise you wouldn't have gone with OM.

 

I absolutely had told him that I moved on and at one point tried pressuring him into signing the divorce papers. I was DONE....Boy was I wrong.....

[millergirl]

June bug:

 

I agree with you 100%. I think that your first step to getting back on track is healing yourself. The rest will work itself whatever direction it takes. You will ultimately find yourself again and have your life back. I agree that you can't sit and dwell on the "what if's" I would drive myself crazy doing that also. You are on the right track of thinking. You don't have to be intimate with people and I really would never suggest that, I did and I regret it. Just go and have fun for you. It's amazing how it will take some of this worry off your plate. He will work out his feelings too but he needs to do it his own way. Give him the space he needs and when he sees that you are moving on and taking control of your life again, he will come around, sit back have fun and see what happens!

[smileysmile]

How long has this been going on with this guy? Do you guys have divorce papers drawn up yet?

 

Ok, the fall of April 2007 we started to sleep in S beds.

 

August 23 2007 she left to stay with her parents until our house was completed, both at the time searching for other houses.

I moved out then of our marital home on 5th October 2007. She moved into her house 3rd Nov 2007.

I found out later that she had told a few colleagues of her S from me at the end of August. Her OM was M in June 2007 and supposedly wanting to start a famliy with his W but she didn't want any??

Nobody knew he was S but it came out when he found out my ex was S.

According to my ex he pursued her in September and mths ahead. She initially told him to fix his M.

His persistance finally paid off at the end of her first week in her new home. They had sex. Up until then it was flirting. Meantime he is still living with his W. Who apparently is taking him to the cleaners.

 

She told me she felt like a tramp. I read her text to him so I know this to be true. She told me she had low self esteem and liked the attention.

She said she fancied him otherwise she wouldn't have done it. They are both the same star signs and he is a good guy. She tells me she is now concentrating on her and our D and he rings up now and again.

But she is not bothered and finds it hard to ever trust a man.

He wants more from what I can gather and him being black doesn't help is my guess. Same black as Will Smith. Her father is er lets say would not agree and the fact if they had kids they would be mixed race.

Thats what I believe she is thinking. Her emotions are everywhere.

 

His W is white. A solicitor.

 

She had known OM for at least 3 yrs as a colleague but that was it. I know nothing else was going on prior to our S. Like I said she knew him and of him which makes it easier I guess to get 'support' from this guy.

He left her company 3 mths ago but still works in the same city.

 

I know he hasn't been around her house in the last 6 weeks. That is a Friday/Saturday. Though I caught him behind her bedroom door 2 weeks ago. I think she didn't want me to know he was there after dropping her off on a Wednsday when I had called in to drop off our D. She went to visit her dad in hospital so I guess he went straight from his place of work and picked her up rather than double back to pick her car up. BUT if he cared about her that much he wouldn't have scappered off down the stairs and into his car. She told him to stay (it is her house) and he should have stayed. He should have said to me, "look, ***** has asked me to stay, I don't want any trouble". But there wasn't going to be and if he cared for her safety then why did he run off??

 

It was bordering on hilarious and really pathetic. So have I given you food for thought on my situation? lol

 

Sorry for bombing your thread

Edited February 8, 2008 by smileysmile

[millergirl]

Wow! Let me take a breath for a minute........You have truly had a lot going on with her in the past several months....

 

Sounds like a similar situation with me and a co-worker long ago. I divorced my first husband due to physical abuse. I worked with a guy for a year and a half before the divorce. I knew that this guy had a "crush" on me but I just ignored it. After he found out that I divorced he pursued me hard. I finally agreed to go out with him and we ended up seeing each other off and on for a year and I ultimately broke off the relationship. I dated him because again, I didn't want to be alone and he was the only person that was pursuing me at the time. The point is, it was a relationship of convenience and it didn't work, they never do.

 

Doesn't sound like this is a big stormy romance. This will not last, mark my words.

 

You are correct that he should have stepped up and been a man when you showed up to drop off your daughter. How juvenile of him to run off. I would have been turned off by his antics.

 

You said that this other guy is still married as well, are they OM and his W, living in the same house? What a mess.....

[smileysmile]

yep. As far as I know they are still living in the same house. I checked the 2008 electroll roll and they are listed at the same address. I think it was her place and he moved in a couple of years ago.

 

Not sure if he telling my ex the truth or not. Slimey toad.

 

She said at the beginning she didn't think she could trust him. To S from your W in such a short time because she says she doesn't want kids!? Hmmmm How convenient when he didn't mention he was S until my ex revealed she was. And what a lame excuse. I am not sure if my ex is in denial with the truth. She says she had 'checked' it out and he is telling the truth. Hmmm I have done some investigation myself. It is on going but I am NC for now until next have my D.

 

Thank you for your thoughts.

[millergirl]

Yeah, he's lying to her....he IS a slimey toad...

 

Your welcome, anytime.....

[guessjeans]

Millergirl, I find your story very inspiring and I'm very happy that you were given a second chance at true happiness.

 

I believed, like you, that once I left, I was never going to look back. That my life of 26 yrs with this man was over. I truly believe ,that one day, 4 yrs ago, someone "up there" looked down on us and said these two ppl have lost their way, and said they need to be sent on a journey. If they find each other again, then they would have learned from each of their journeys, and used the tools given them during their journeys.

 

My journey was to feel good about myself again, grow up, be more independent. I was always very self confident, and very independent, I think two attributes my ex was threatened by. But once you are single a parent, these two words take on a whole new meaning.

 

His journey was to look after his parents. Shortly after we split, his parents were going through financial troubles and could no longer look after themselves properly. He took them in. As he said to me at the time, i am doing this because you and our son arent with me, otherwise it wouldnt be fair them. I had also seen what my sister and her husband went through with my dad when he lived with them, and then when he eventually went into a home..he hated it there, but didnt want to be a burden to his family. A regret I will always live with.

 

The journey you go on during this process is enlightening and strengthing. You are definately not the same person as you were even the day after you go your separate ways. And every day is like a new beginning in your life. Its painful at times, there is a lot of kleenex boxes bought, but with every tear, comes another stripe of courage you earn.

 

The last thing I expected was to fall in love with him again. I always knew Id love him, but I never expected that my journey would bring back old and new feelings for this man. My journey has almost come to an end. You feel it when You feel you are stronger, emotionally healthier, and you have accomplished all of your goals you have set out for yourself. Then, the door closes on that chapter of your life, and a new journey begins.

 

As I mentioned, my ex is with another woman now and seems to be content with her. They work together so they have known each other for a couple of years and she just left her husband in October. SO they have been a couple since then, and immediately began sleeping together. She is also 10 yrs older than me. He tells me its just companionship, and that he loves her like you would someone you are with, but "its not like that between them". Its a relationship he is comfortable with. Doesnt threaten his insecurities i guess. And meets his emotional and physical needs. This is his first relationship since we split 4 yrs ago. She is just legally separated, not divorced yet.

 

His journey, once completed, was suppose to bring him back to us too. I need him to want us, as much as I do, or it will never work. I have started to date and get out and see whats out there. I still cant comprehend how, not in my wildest dreams, would my journey bring me back to him, but it did. But I wonder, why life would make me have all these feelings for this man again, only for him not to feel the same. I know he still loves me, and I think he will always love me. We were together for a very long time. My journey isnt quite complete yet, but I feel that by this year, I will be ready for a healthy relationship, with whom , I guess i will let life determine that for me, and I will have accomplished all the goals I set for myself as to what I wanted to gain out of this experience.

 

I am happy your journey brought you back to where you belong. I wish you and your family all the best, and much happiness on your next journey ahead of you.

[millergirl]

Guessjeans:

 

Wow, do we think alike or what? I felt the same as you that it was time for us to go our separate ways and see what we both really wanted. We grew apart about four years ago, I lived in the house with him for two of those years and just couldn't take it anymore. I think that sometimes even though drastic, we have to separate ourselves from things that are impossible to handle or deal with at the time we are going through them. I never thought that he and I would get back together, he was going through pre-marital counseling with his new girlfriend so I knew that he was moving on. I thought that I had found the right person for me as well and we had talked about marriage several times. It took us two years to realize that we didn't want to try another relationship with someone else. Everyone has issues, all different but there will be issues in any relationship. I'd rather just work on the issues that I have or had with my husband. He's the father of my kids so who is going to be a better Dad than him, right?

 

You are correct in saying that he needs to want you guys as much as you want him or it will never work. This woman might very well just be filling in some need that he has right now but in the end, who knows what could happen. If she just left her husband in October and swung so fast into this relationship with him, it has a potential of not working out anyway. I hope that you get what you deserve in life. We all deserve to be happy so whether it be your ex or someone new, you seem to have your head on straight, it will come and it will hit you between the eyes when you least expect it!

 

Thanks for your kind words.

 

~Sandy