Commitment Phobia

[Mardi]

I'm in a bit of a confused state right now - I am a female with severe commitment phobia. It's hard, because I'm fairly attractive and normal, so I end up hurting a lot of men. Since I'm what I consider a nice person, this really bothers me. Over the past two years, I've rejected about half a dozen perfectly normal guys that I found some reason or another not to be with (the most recent being this morning...what prompted me to finally look for advice). At first, I thought I was just picky, but now I know it has to be more. Especially because of something I've realized over the last year. I have the habit of falling in love with one of my best friends..it's happened twice. I don't have the desire to date them, in fact get scared if it even looks like it will head that way, but am relatively miserable at the same time when the feelings aren't returned. All of my close friends tell me that I fall for the ones that I know won't be interested, in order to avoid having to commit to anything.

 

I'm not scared of the physical aspects of a relationship and most of the time really like the guys that are asking me out. I even tend to be a flirt, attracting this male attention. And to top it off, I really do want a solid relationship. So am I just afraid of this or am I a masochistic, emotionally challenged freak?!? I don't know any other females that have this problem, so it makes it even harder sometimes. Does anyone have any advice, please??

[Tony T]

You're like the dog who chases the car but has no earthly idea what to do with it once he catches up to it.

 

Commitment phobia has many causes. Often, people who fear close relationships sustained a childhood trauma associated with abandonment, such as the death of a parent or the divorce of parents after which one left home. The child surmises that if he or she loves somebody, that person will leave. That child stays with us all of our lives and speaks to us even in adulthood, having us fear that if we fall in love and devote ourselves to someone they will eventually disappear from our lives.

 

Others fear having their entire being totally engulfed by another person, losing their identity in the beloved. Loss of freedom and options is another reason. Many subscribe to the "better deal theory," thinking no matter who they are with there is a better deal out there. And yes, they are absolutely correct. No matter who you fall in love with, there IS someone better out there somewhere. You can better deal yourself right to the grave moving from one person to the other. Rational people eventually pick someone to love, commit to them, and discontinue further search.

 

You do things with friends because initially they are comfortable to you because you really don't think you will fall for them in a romantic way. Being around a buddy is safe. But you cannot control your longing for love. It happens...and the fear goes up your spine. You will always yearn for the unattainable...or the safe person...as long as you have this problem.

 

I wouldn't worry about it a whole lot. One day you will meet a guy and fall so deeply for him you will not be able to resist. You will not want to live without him, no matter what your fear is. You will just do it!!! Meanwhile, have fun and just forewarn the guys you date that you don't feel you are ready for anything long term.

 

You could seek counselling but therapists are rarely able turn this syndrome around, even if they get to the core issues that got a person there. Perhaps long term therapy could help but it would be hard work and tedious and you would have to secure a very competent psychotherapist to help you.

 

Most recent research indicates commitment phobia is a symptom of people who suffer the Nice Person Syndrome. You stated you were a nice person in your post...so maybe that's got something to do with it. Psychologist and author Robert A. Glover of Tacoma, Washington has done extensive research in this area. You may want to read some of his books. But there are many volumes on commitment phobia and I'm not sure that any one of them will hit on the exact spot where your's is rooted.

 

Good luck...and have faith that one day love will be yours by default!!!

[ARD]

I am the same. I think my past has alot to do with it. I love hearing about love that lasts a lifetime but I cannot imagine it for myself (ironically it is the only type of romantic relationship I would have). Even thinking about it I start to panic:)

I am glad though I am not young and foolish anymore.

I am just afraid I have met someone or will meet someone and out of fright I don't take the chance.

That I guess is where fate comes in. If it is ment to be it is. For the most part, I love being on my own. I feel myself and can be myself at all times. Make my own decisions and not have anyone to argue with. I have great friends and am always making more. I am free.

So I guess it is not bad. I will just wait and see what happens. Life could be along time or a short time. No point wasting it feeling uncomfortable and unreal.

Take care.

[turtle]

I have a little bit of commitment phobia myself. I get sick to my stomache over the thought of marriage.....even though I know I don't ever want to leave my boyfriend. (We've been together forever and are at that right marriage age.)

 

I think my phobia has something to do with my parents. My father was an awful man and they didn't have a good marriage. As a child, I never even liked him. The only reason my mom didn't leave is because she didn't want to lose her house and money to him. My mother passed away awhile ago, which may have something to do with it. Since my father was her husband, he and his mistress took everything and gave absolutely nothing to the children. I was still in school and not quite on my own yet. Even when I graduated without a job, he wouldn't help me or let me live there.

 

Even if you identify why you have commitment phobia, it might take awhile to heal and overcome it. Sometimes things that are the result of childhood trauma are deep-seeded. It's good that you are looking into your problem - hopefully it works out and you enjoy many long term relationships. Best of luck to you.

[smackey]

There doesn't seem to be alot of info on how to cure this 'phobia' I've only just this week realised that I have it. I used to think I was just intimidating, now I know it's a combination of both.

 

I felt abandoned at the age of 3 and from the age of 5, watched mother live through an abusive marraige until the age of 9 when she smuggled us out in the middle of the night. Nothing that followed has improved my view of marriage. My grandmother kicked my grandad out with a knife etc.

 

I have been single for the past 8 yrs (not by choice).

 

Men scare me to death. They don't respect boundaries and overwhelm you with their energy. They confuse me and I do panic sometimes. I can't get my head round settling for someone who will make you miserable and for whom you have to compromise your spirit/dreams/go.als - even lie so that they feel better about themselves. It's not happened to me, but I see it all around.

 

You wouldn't believe me if you met me. I come across as the panultimate professional confident sexy female in her prime. Honestly though, I must suffer from a certain lack of self esteem.

 

All of this comes though and I must give off 'vibes' to scare them. Men rarely approach me and when they do I overreact usually (either sleep with them immediately or put them off with a smart alec remark)

 

Enough of me - my question is where to go for help without going to a therapist. I went a few years ago and after 1 session, he said I would need multiple sessions weekly for several years. I can't afford that and don't think that I need it. Some thing to read would be good.

 

I am now considering going through life celibate which would be a heck of a shame!

[moimeme]

Men scare me to death. They don't respect boundaries and overwhelm you with their energy. They confuse me and I do panic sometimes. I can't get my head round settling for someone who will make you miserable and for whom you have to compromise your spirit/dreams/go.als - even lie so that they feel better about themselves. It's not happened to me, but I see it all around.

All of this comes though and I must give off 'vibes' to scare them.Men rarely approach me.

 

Ya think? If you have all the above subtext going on in your head, no wonder! Would you approach a man who thought that way about women?

 

Enough of me - my question is where to go for help without going to a therapist.

 

Surely you realize your attitude needs repair? There are indeed relationships as you describe, but to think that all relationships must necessarily be that way will doom you to failure over and over. You need to create a more positive outlook for your own future, for starters. You might want to read Albert Ellis' 'A Guide To Rational Living' for starters. That'll teach you about how your thoughts can shanghai your goals.

 

Amazon lists a couple of books:

 

Getting to Commitment by Steven Carter, Julia Sokol (Contributor)

He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Stephen Carter, Julia Sokol (Contributor), Steven Carter

[Star]

I am so relieved and crushed at the same time to know that there is a name for this thing. I am an intelligent attractive 30 year old and have lead an adventurous overly full life. I am currently in the middle of a divorce, though I keep the husband I love on a string because I am terrified to let him go even though I want the divorce.

I am in love with a man that I cant quite make myself be with using every excuse I can find, and my inability to commit is driving me miserably insane.

 

Ive dated my best friends, fallen for them even though we agree to just be friends, and obsess over the rejection.

Last night was the first time any one suggested to me that I had commitment issues. It sounds so generic and obvious, yet after research, I think I have commitment phobia. The serious consideration of following through with a relationship with no way out leaves me nausious, with migraines and stomach pain.

 

Ive always considered myself a strong woman. I am an oficer in the Army, have a degree, own a buisness, speak multiple languages, have traveled the world, and I am afraid of everything thats a little out of my controll. In a year it seems like my life is on the verge of crumbling around me because I hurt everyone who really cares about me, am overwrought with guilt and cant make a definite desicion to do anything without it resulting in physical pain or illness..

 

So possibly, being abandoned, having seven welfare stepfathers, and experiencing lots of abuse wasnt overcome by leaving home, being "better" than the people I came from, not falling prey to dominating abusive men and being "carefull". Did I overkill?

 

On a positive note, conventional therapy may not be more than 5% effective, but energy work is supposed to be 85% effective.

[run]

It is comforting to know that I am not alone. I also am CP and although I don't see any corolation to my childhood, I do see that early past relationships have played a part. One in high school and one later in my 20's who I ended up marrying because of my low self esteem.

 

I have always run from men after falling for them. I too, thought I was a freak because I felt I had to leave before they left me (even though they showed no sign of doing so)

 

Brief history:

When I finally deciided to "take a chance" I ended up marrying an abusive man. (I missed the red flags/didn't know they exsisted) I left him 20 years ago after 10 yrs. of hell. I stayed because a had 2 children and didn't believe I could provide for them. Well, eventually, after many yrs of planning/dreaming, something (energy?) rose in me (after an incident) and I decided to "go for broke"... whatever happened. I filed for divorce. Although it was a financial struggle, I felt that my life had been given back to me.

 

My husband continued to mentally abuse and stalk me for many years until he eventually moved to the west coast.

 

Then I met a wonderful man. Kind, patient, stable, etc. etc. I lived with him for 12 years and we were very happy. He has wanted to marry me for over 10 years but I resisted. Well, last fall we were married. I was conflicted but I knew how much he wanted this and so I t hought after 12 yrs. why not? It would be ok.

 

WELL.... Now I am obsessed with wanting OUT of the marriage! I am extremely panicked and feel like my skin is on fire! I feel like the doors to my life have been slammed shut and bolted. I have been to counseling... doesn't seem to do much good. My regular doctor seemed amused by it. She had rarely heard of this in females. I guess it is usually a male phobia. ? I don't know what to do. From what I understand there doesn't seem to be a cure.

 

I find myself looking at other men now which I never did before. I'm sure I'm trying to sabotage my marriage.

 

How do we deal with this seemingly incurible phobia? I love the IDEA of commitment/marriage but ACTUALLY doing it is ruining my relationship. Maybe we can find a way to explore this together?

[2bluewings]

Hola Mardi:

 

I am a 33 year old - starting to realize - commitment phobic female. I seem to love men that don´t love me back, or are too difficult to attain. Like you I am attractive and very nice, and this is bothering me big time. I am beginning to think there is something wrong with me! I was not abandoned, nor my parents are divorced so I don´t know what can be the cause of my fear. My father was a "passive" alcoholic but a very good father ironically, so maybe sometimes I think that could be it, but how? I don´t know.

 

Anyway I write to you from Puerto Rico, so you don´t feel alone, this is a "Global" Phobia and it seems women are not excluded from it. I have had a lot of "relationships" short and the long (well 3 years is long for me) I am divorced with no children. I know in my heart that I have not found real love, but then again, I fear I may never find it. It seems that the too nice guys turns me down and bore me, but at the same time I want to marry and have a stable relationship. I am dating this guy right now, I just met him a week ago, and guess what? yes I am beginning to feel a nod in my stomach after he kissed me, he is in the category of nice guys, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I don´t know want to do, since I don´t want to let my fears get in the way. I like his company but I have not felt sexual quemistry for him, but...I am too worried about it maybe...not hurting him and all. I think my fear maybe is blocking my ability to "open up" or just relax with this guy. I am thinking maybe this is not the one, don´t push it, but it´s too soon to say!...(Now you see my confusion!)

 

 

I hope I will find someone I really be so sure of loving him that I will overcome my fear and I wish the same to you too. I will really like some words of encouragement and some useful help on how to deal with this terrible phobia. (I am a people person!)

[SJA]

Hello,

 

I am in the process of recovering from being dumped without warning by a woman who is a severe commitmentphobe, when our relationship was at the height of its romantic intensity. I suppose the signs were there if I had known what to look for, but I only became aware of the term commitmentphobia after stumbling upon references to the series of books by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. In "He's Scared, She's Scared", they claim that while commitmentphobes were until recently almost exclusively male, women have been catching up recently.

 

"2bluewings" speculates about the origins of the phobia in her case even though she was not abandoned as a child. My ex was also not abandoned, but she was an only child and her father was/is extremely domineering and controlling. As a result, I believe her mother came to rely on her daughter rather than her husband as her primary source of emotional support. She has had to struggle to assert her independence from her mother, still hasn't completely succeeded, and still feels guilty about it. For her, love means having to take care of someone, and she has a fear of being engulfed by her partners, as per the post be Tony T. I think there are (at least) two other contibruting factors, which may be complementary to her relationship with her mother. First, I think she also has some problems with self-esteem, so a fear of abandonment may also be lurking in the background: better to dump before one's partner has a chance to get to know you and dumps you instead. Second, there is of course the example of her father: a relationship with a man means being controlled and suffocated.

 

There's an amazing passage in "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall Rosenberg, a book which otherwise has nothing to do with commitmentphobia. Here's a quote from pp.57-58 of the book, in a chapter on "emotional slavery" and taking responsibility for one's own feelings:

 

<begin quote>

 

"I'm really scared to be in a relationship. Every time I see my partner in pain or needing something, I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I'm in a prison, that I'm being smothered - and I just have to get out of the relationship as fast as possible." This response is common among those who experience love as denial of one's own needs in order to attend to the needs of the beloved. In the early days of a relationship, partners typically relate joyfully and compassionately to each other out of a sense of freedom. Eventually however, as the relationship becomes "serious," partners may begin to assume responsibility for each other's feelings.

 

<end quote>

 

Does this strike a chord with anyone else here?

[johan]

I believe my girlfriend is commitment phobic. We've been together for over 2 years, but she always keeps a distance between us that is starting to make me resent her. I'm starting to lose patience with things that normally do not bother me and we're fighting a lot.

 

She says she wants marriage and a family whenever we talk about it. She even brings it up sometimes all by herself, but it's mostly offhand comments that don't carry much meaning. Like she's throwing me a bone. We aren't moving forward at all, and we aren't as close as I have been with women I've been with in the past. She is pretty constantly upset about things that wouldn't really bother a normal secure person. She puts extra meaning into things and interprets them as reasons why she couldn't possibly commit to me now, but she wants to someday. She often tells me she's waiting for ME to be ready. She's analyzing and thinking and there are always lots of excuses for things.

 

It takes a lot of energy and patience for me to just accept all this. The fact is, I have no idea where we're going. I really think she'd be just fine with dating for 10 years and never even moving in together. It's wearing on me and I'm starting to show my frustration in other areas.

 

So either I have faith in her and trust what she says, or I just move on.

 

She's shown little staying power in her previous relationships. She's been married twice. Once she left a good guy for selfish reasons the other guy she shouldn't have married at all. She was engaged just before me, but the guy went kind of crazy with her when she showed little motivation after saying yes. Maybe she shouldn't have said yes. Maybe he shouldn't have asked. I'm waiting for a sign that I should move, one way or the other. I really love her and I know a marriage with her would be wonderful, but it takes two.

[Thinkalot]

Sorry to hear that Johan. Only you can decide what is right for you. She may be scared and insecure...and wanting everything to be just perfect, or just right. I've been there myself in the past.

 

It's tough on you though...and you're right. Sooner or later you need to be moving forward together.

[yan]

Hey all,

 

I am a 21 year old female who just realized she had a severe case of commitment phobia. I don't know what's wrong with me but whenever I start to think about being in a relationship (even a casual one) it freaks me out. I can get myself so worked up and freaked out that my stomach ends up in knots and I feel like I need to throw up. It gets to the point where I get so nervous that I don't even want to hang out with guy anymore.

 

I don't know where or when this developed for me. No couple in my family has ever been divorced and all of my relatives are happily married. I had a Walt Disney life. In high school I would have done anything to be in a relationship but I guess that now I've been single for so long I just cannot commit. I've met several great guys who have told me they would like to date me and I've tried to make it work. I usually enter into the relationship half-heartedly and end up finding a reason to leave. It kills me to have to hurt these guys and I end up feeling terrible but I just can't handle the idea of a commitment... What is even crazier is that I do want to get married and have a family one day.

 

Anyways... I've begun to do some research on commitment phobia and one of the articles I found seemed very helpful. It basically says that you need to be straight up honest about your feelings with whomever you're interested in. If you both can handle this then take it very slowly. DOn't even think about being in a relationship. If you can end up falling in love with the guy, it will be a lot easier to commit later on when/if you do want a relationship.

 

But yeah, I hope that helped someone out... Thanks for letting me share!

 

Leeanne : )

[Ready2Run]

Hi,

 

I am a male and to cut a long sad story short I recognise my girlfriend in all/most of the posts in this thread.

 

I have a question to all you ladies who personally suffer from commitment phobia. Is there anything the man in your life / potential man in your life can do to help you through it all into a mutually rewarding relationship?

[lubEre]

I recently got dumped by a woman for very odd reasons. She entered into a relationship with me because she thought it would never work an the second she realised it would bolted, using the reasons she said why she felt it wouldn't work as an excuse. I'd proved to her that her initial doubts about me were wrong and was like I had pulled her safety net away. To cut another long complex story short it devastated me. I let this woman into my whole life an she barely let me in the door. I was a total mess for a couple weeks, but now a month on its making sense an i feel a lot better. We have sort of kept in touch an tried to stay friends, although its not working i think she'd be happier if i called her every name under the sun an stormed off. I reckon it baffles her that i don't. I really love this woman although i was never able to tell her because it became obvious earlier that she'd have reacted badly to me saying it an ended it the second i told her. Was on the tip off my tongue all the time.

 

After a lot of soul searching i figured out just how afraid she is of commitment an why it ended. Still couldn't get my head around that. I thought this can't be something only i've been through so i searched the net an found this place an a surprisingly large number of other sites dealing with CP, a term i'd never heard of. Reading the posts was like a slap across the face. So many of these i got halfway through and thought it could be her writing them! Now i can see why she acted the way she did it feels like a weight has been lifted off me.

 

I now have an awkward decision to make. I don't think she realises herself what her problem is, or that its not so uncommon. I want to help an I need to know the best way to point it out to her. I wrote down everything i wanted to tell her an basically spelled out what her problem is. But when i read it back i realised that i might just be hurting her by telling her this (Be a bit like ripping out an alcoholics liver an showing it to him?). She might even think i was just doing it to bully her into getting back with me. Frankly she'd have to go a long way to convince me to get into anything with her again. As much as i love her I'm not in any hurry to set myself up for that level of pain again. Theres two people in a relationship an i agree with the post who said being honest is the key. If i'd known from day one i'd have dealt with it. I can't explain just how horrible it can be for a guy to be involved with a woman you care about so much and not knowing why you are getting so many mixed signals then getting dumped for no reason. If you know you have this problem an don't tell your partner then you are building a relationship based on a lie an its doomed to fail.

 

Has anyone got any ideas on this? Should i just leave her alone or would i be doing the right thing in pointing it out? I don't care if she hates me for saying something if it helps her understand herself better. But i have no wish to hurt her. I'll be fine in myself an can move on from this now, but i feel selfish just turning my back on someone when i feel i could help.

[bloot]

Originally posted by SJA

Hello,

 

I am in the process of recovering from being dumped without warning by a woman who is a severe commitmentphobe, when our relationship was at the height of its romantic intensity. I suppose the signs were there if I had known what to look for, but I only became aware of the term commitmentphobia after stumbling upon references to the series of books by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. In "He's Scared, She's Scared", they claim that while commitmentphobes were until recently almost exclusively male, women have been catching up recently.

 

"2bluewings" speculates about the origins of the phobia in her case even though she was not abandoned as a child. My ex was also not abandoned, but she was an only child and her father was/is extremely domineering and controlling. As a result, I believe her mother came to rely on her daughter rather than her husband as her primary source of emotional support. She has had to struggle to assert her independence from her mother, still hasn't completely succeeded, and still feels guilty about it. For her, love means having to take care of someone, and she has a fear of being engulfed by her partners, as per the post be Tony T. I think there are (at least) two other contibruting factors, which may be complementary to her relationship with her mother. First, I think she also has some problems with self-esteem, so a fear of abandonment may also be lurking in the background: better to dump before one's partner has a chance to get to know you and dumps you instead. Second, there is of course the example of her father: a relationship with a man means being controlled and suffocated.

 

There's an amazing passage in "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall Rosenberg, a book which otherwise has nothing to do with commitmentphobia. Here's a quote from pp.57-58 of the book, in a chapter on "emotional slavery" and taking responsibility for one's own feelings:

 

<begin quote>

 

"I'm really scared to be in a relationship. Every time I see my partner in pain or needing something, I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I'm in a prison, that I'm being smothered - and I just have to get out of the relationship as fast as possible." This response is common among those who experience love as denial of one's own needs in order to attend to the needs of the beloved. In the early days of a relationship, partners typically relate joyfully and compassionately to each other out of a sense of freedom. Eventually however, as the relationship becomes "serious," partners may begin to assume responsibility for each other's feelings.

 

<end quote>

 

Does this strike a chord with anyone else here?

 

This explanation fits in perfectly with what has just happened to me. I fell deep in love with my boyfriend, as did he with me. The beginning was amazing,we had so much fun. I always knew he had problems in the past with relationships. It didn't worry me i was the only one he has ever loved. After a time he would start pulling back from the relationship and being really loving again. This happened in monthly cycles. I started getting insecure and kept trying to pull him closer, which only frustrated him, he pulled away, I became more anxious, I kept pulling in, he pushed away, the more I wanted and did for him, the less he wanted me..... the cycle continued and we split up. The split up was a complete shock, because I was so sure we loved and respected each other and had a lot of positive aspects to our relationship. During our break up talk he gave lots of vague strange reasons. He also said " I treated him as an emotional crutch" I am a very strong independent woman and that felt so unfair and cold and I couldn't believe a person who loved another would resent emotional support. But it makes more sense now. He felt smothered and overwhelmed when I talked about my problems with him (he usually got frustrated), I was changing my whole career, so I had a a lot going on. At least now I can stop doubting that i got this man wrong; he is a kind, interesting and beautioful person, but a person who has issues with relationships, love and control. This I can forgive him for and i hope to be friends?! i don't know how this works though. I'm also realizing that I was probably atracted to him in the first place because I'm a bit of a commimwent phobe too. Anyway, I don't usually tell the whole of the internet community about my life, but I just feel the need to understand, learn and feel positive about what has happened.

[yan]

Hey all you guys who like CP women,

 

For me personally, there is not much a man/potential man in my life can do to stop me from feeling the way I do... I guess just be understanding and be there without being too close... I know that sounds vague but whatever...

 

Please don't resort to buying gifts and expensive dates and things... That always freaks me out more...

 

I guess, just be there...

 

: )

[bloot]

I posted a message yesterday when i was feeling OK ish. All I want to do today is text him and say " if i had not been in love with you or cared you would have wanted me. that's ****ed up." i want him to realise why it did not work, why we had to lose each other. all i want is to not be constantly thinking........

[Ready2Run]

Hi Yan,

 

It’s not like a woman must be CP before I want anything to do with her ;-)

 

Is there any point in trying to get her to relax about me ie I am OK with where she is right now and if my view on that should ever change and she doesn’t see the need to, then it is up to me to move on. Or is it a question of actions speak louder than words?

 

R2R

[angrylove]

When I started out with my gf, I knew she was a CP because I knew about her previous relationships. I promised myself I would always give her space, and be available while keeping the lines of communication open. It worked at the start. She came closer and became more comfortable with me, saying she wanted to marry me and all that stuff, even seeming to get over her CP, needing less space than before. But I feel like that was my mistake, believing that she had gotten better. At somepoint in the past two years, I think I slipped up and became too comfortable with her. I really loved her and wanted to give her things and do things for her, especially if she expressed a desire for me to do them. But sometimes, after I'd done those things, she'd wonder why I did them and wouldn't want them anymore, like I was emotionally blackmailing her with them or something. I felt her withdrawing, and I made the mistake of pursuing her by being more attentive and caring. I guess that must've smothered the wits out of her. Perhaps the last straw came when I was going through a bad patch two months ago, feeling bad about quitting a volunteer group I'd been in for eight years, being worried about my exams, and kinda needing her support. She did seem supportive. But then one night after I'd left her place having shared about quitting the group, she smsed me and told me the relationship had wound down for her and she just didn't love me as she had before, and she didn't think love should take so much thinking, so the relationship was over, "bye".

 

I was devastated. I hated myself for making the mistake of getting too comfortable and not looking out for the signs. I hated her for not telling me to shut up since I was making her feel uncomfortable, and for pretending to be supportive when she didn't feel so. Or maybe she felt supportive AND smothered simultaneously. And I guess I felt stupid for letting her back into my life after she'd confessed last December that she'd been sleeping with other guys last year, but said she really did love me. I believed her. Silly me.

 

Three weeks after we broke up, I smsed her for a clearer explanation (never having heard of the NC rule till later). And she calmly told me she was afraid of my expectations, afraid of disappointing me, and that she'd mistaken the fear of disappointing me for love. Is that possible?

 

A mutual friend told me she has found closure, and that she wants me to move on quickly so we can be friends, because she can't imagine me not being her friend.

 

I am very afraid now. Because I love her very much still, and I don't know where that love is going to take me in the context of being just friends. I want to be friends. But am I going to be just friends with her because I love her? That is the wrong reason isn't it. And I'll only know it's safe to be friends, when I cease all caring, and stop wanting to be friends. Ironic.

 

Well, just sharing. Hope someone can comment on this. The point I guess is that I slipped up by thinking she'd change, and I could open myself to her, become vulnerable. She wanted this at the start, but now it seems she saw something in me and it freaked her out, a thought which freaks me out now.

 

The questions I guess are whether she still loves me or not, whether there's a chance we'll get back together, whether I should try to be friends, and why.

 

Can anyone help?

[angrylove]

Oh yah. The mutual friend did say that my ex might open up to me later, and that we might get back together. And my ex did say she wasn't looking for another relationship. However, that was one week after we broke up. When I smsed her two weeks later, my ex said that we won't be getting back together and if she dies go into another relationship it won't be with me, because I am too self-critical and she needs someone more outward-looking, someone who has found himself ...

 

Thing is, I was self-critical for the relationship, always worried I wasn't good enough, wasn't gonna be rich enough, or smart enough, for her. Especially after she'd confessed sleeping with other guys. I guess I became insecure. I didn't try to control her or anything, just tried to be better, hoping she wouldn't go looking elsewhere again.

 

But I didn't know that'd smother her.

 

There is no way out is there? If I don't do anything, I am neglecting her, and she looks elsewhere. If I do something, I am smothering her, and she looks elsewhere too.

 

So I guess no matter what I do out of love, she'll look elsewhere, and blame it on me?

 

My concept and impression of love is now somewhere in the dump.

 

I dunno if I can trust my feelings ever again, pathetic as that sounds now.

[angrylove]

Sorry. In my last post, it's supposed to say "and if she does go into another relationship" NOT "and if she dies go into another relationship".

 

Not a Freudian slip ...

[bloot]

i think that all this relationship can do is make you unhappy and insecure. no contact, no friendship, don't imagine the future without her just get through each day and eventually you will feel ok and then you'll have more perspective on the relationship. i'm in a similar situation to you, except my boyfriend didn't cheat. i'm one month on and it hurts like hell still but i'm feeling better. at first, all i did was to break the day in to sections; think about getting throught the morning, then concentrate on the afternoon (keep really busy at work) and then try and do something nice in the evening, even if it is just one small thing( get drunk?!).

 

at first i wished i'd been aware of this CPia thing, but i wasn't and i did all the things a CP would run from. but why should we change the way we love? i want to be with someone who appreciates how much i have to give and sees relationships as exciting and amazing, not scary and suffocating.

 

yesterday (after bumping into his best friiend and making a bit of a fool of myself) i decided to not be friends with my ex and to try and have no contact with anything to do with him, although he wants "to always have me in his life". it's just too painful, there's too much risk of being really hurt.

 

i just hope that one day he'll look back and realise that we lost something special.

 

hope you feel better soon. remember dignity, dignity, dignity......... (and delete her number from your phone)

[angrylove]

Thanks bloot.

 

Every morning I wake up missing her. Everyday is a lesson in letting go all over again.

 

I'd erased her number from my phone shortly after the breakup, after a close friend accidentally hit the dial button when I was showing her the breakup SMS.

 

We shut it off after some fumbling.

 

It was frightening. But funny too I guess.

 

Anyway, yes. Erasing the number also helps a bit to answer the question "Should I call?".

 

Hope all is well with you.

[beautiful]

The best advice I can give is...get professional help with this. Good luck!