Marriage Problem

January 31, 2008

I am looking for some advice on my marriage. My wife and i have been married for almost 15 years and have been together for 18. We have 2 wonderfull children who are 11 and 7. The last 3-4 years have been very difficult in relation to both our own personal lives and our extended familly lives. About 4 years ago the familly business went bankrupt and my wifes parents lost everything they had including the familly home. I worked in the business and i therefore lost my job as well. I then proceded to start my own company which was very difficult on us fanancially and emotionaly to the point of me being extremmely stressed out and neglectfull towards my wife emotionaly and intimately. I guess i was totaly focused on getting us in a strong financial position and forgot about the importance of intimacy between a husband and wife. To make things worse, my wifes father was diagnosed with terminal cancer about a year ago, which has affected my wife very much and she is not coping very well with it. About 4 months ago, my wife sat me down and said she was un happy and didnt know if she was still in love with me. She say's she loves me, but doesnt know if she is in love with me. My first reaction was that i didnt understand the distinction she was making between loving me and being in love with me. In my eyes, i love her and want to be with her for ever, i dont distinguish between loving her and being in love with her. We have tried to go to counciling, but she does not want to do it anymore as she thinks it's not for her and she is totaly in touch with how she is feeling. But on the other hand she tells me that she is confused and not sure. We are now at at point that she wants to trial separate to see if she will miss us together as a couple or not. I dont want to separate, but she is insisting on it. I am totally aware of how i have neglected her and am willing to change, but she says she cant help how she is feeling now and that she has tried but didnt see me reciprocating. I say lets not dwell in the past and lets work on it, but again she says she has tried and she has been working on it. The plan is for me to go on an extended trip (1 Month) overseas so that she can test the waters with me not being around. I dont want to do it , but she is leaving me no other choice.

DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ADVICE PLEASE!!!

January 31, 2008

About 4 months ago, my wife sat me down and said she was un happy and didnt know if she was still in love with me. She say's she loves me, but doesnt know if she is in love with me.

But on the other hand she tells me that she is confused and not sure.

These are classic signs that there is another man involved. Keep your eyes and ears open.

January 31, 2008

Hi.

This is going to sound a little harsh, but I find people tend to wake up if the harsh words are spoken... even if you never mean to marry again.

Ask your wife... "If we get divorced, How would you feel about me remarring and my NEW wife taking care of, and watching over YOUR children."???

And further explain to her, in a nice.. calm voice.. That if she wants this divorce, there is NO WAY IN HELL you will allow her the house and total custody of the children.

I don't know... but I'd wager that most 1/2 decent women would be scared sh*itless of the thought of a new woman taking care of the children.

Further.. I think seperation is total BULL. It's the first step towards divorce, and I would not AGREE to it.

Also, asking you to leave is absured. TELL HER IF SHE WANTS OUT, tell her to get the hell out.

Finally, please remind your wife, there is alot more here at stake than her selfish feelings. Remind your wife of her love for her dying father, and imagine her parents getting divorced when she was 7 or 11, and how she'd take it.

Tell her she has 2 minor children, who will either be growing up without a mother or without a father in the same house. She has a moral obligation to at least see your marriage through until your youngest 18th Birthday and to not intentionally create strife & misery in their life.

Divorce is so cruel to the young kids.

January 31, 2008

About 4 years ago the familly business went bankrupt and my wifes parents lost everything they had including the familly home. I worked in the business and i therefore lost my job as well. I then proceded to start my own company which was very difficult on us fanancially and emotionaly to the point of me being extremmely stressed out and neglectfull towards my wife emotionaly and intimately.

I know we're only hearing one side of the story, but it sounds to me like you stepped up and put in a herculean effort to get your family back on their feet financially. And your wife resents you for this? I'm going to guess that she was interested in being fed, clothed and housed during this crisis, so her reaction seems strange.

I would also guess that there is another yet unrevealed agenda at work here. I also agree with Anna - for you to walk out the door for a trial separation would be the end of your marriage, at least as you now know it. If she wanted to audition her OM for full-time duty, wouldn't it be nice to have you out of the country for a month ?

Mr. Lucky

January 31, 2008

Hi.

This is going to sound a little harsh, but I find people tend to wake up if the harsh words are spoken... even if you never mean to marry again.

Ask your wife... "If we get divorced, How would you feel about me remarring and my NEW wife taking care of, and watching over YOUR children."???

And further explain to her, in a nice.. calm voice.. That if she wants this divorce, there is NO WAY IN HELL you will allow her the house and total custody of the children.

I don't know... but I'd wager that most 1/2 decent women would be scared sh*itless of the thought of a new woman taking care of the children.

Further.. I think seperation is total BULL. It's the first step towards divorce, and I would not AGREE to it.

Also, asking you to leave is absured. TELL HER IF SHE WANTS OUT, tell her to get the hell out.

Finally, please remind your wife, there is alot more here at stake than her selfish feelings. Remind your wife of her love for her dying father, and imagine her parents getting divorced when she was 7 or 11, and how she'd take it.

Tell her she has 2 minor children, who will either be growing up without a mother or without a father in the same house. She has a moral obligation to at least see your marriage through until your youngest 18th Birthday and to not intentionally create strife & misery in their life.

Divorce is so cruel to the young kids.

This is sound advise. I would soften it a bit. Like remove the whole "I keep the house" and just touch on how difficult shared parenting can become once the kids get older. Bringing property and bold custody statements will just put her closer to the divorce choice. Like she needs to go right now to secure a lawyer before you do mentality.

But the rest; the possibility of you moving on and step mother dearest enters in. Also if she wants this separation, she needs to own that choice. Let her not force you out of your home and let her not ever be able to defend her actions with the fact that you agreed.

January 31, 2008

...my wifes father was diagnosed with terminal cancer about a year ago, which has affected my wife very much and she is not coping very well with it. ... I am totally aware of how i have neglected her and am willing to change, ... The plan is for me to go on an extended trip (1 Month) overseas ... I dont want to do it , but she is leaving me no other choice.

Has your wife considered seeing an individual counselor who specializes in coping with terminal illness of a loved one? There is sadness, fear and stress that's often not recognized.

You can make it (individual counseling) a condition of your separation -- if she goes for minimum 8 sessions with same counselor, then you two will have a conversation about separation thereafter. (Min. 8 sessions because it's really tough to get an in-depth handle on emotional issues in less -- takes 2 or 3 just to get comfy and build trust with the counselor.)

I don't see how a 1-month overseas "vacation" is a proper test on which to base any long-term decision, though. Give her the responsibility of thinking that through and coming up with a more practical option.

Of course you have more choices than the one your wife is offering! To think otherwise puts you into victim mentality, which won't help anything at all. Neither one of you is a victim; both of your are dealing with aftermath of some very distressing life circumstances.

Also, it isn't about being "willing to change" -- it is about showing that you are changing. It is about already doing things differently. Other than counseling, what are you doing differently on a day-to-day basis? How are you helping her see that, as a family unit, you've all weathered the worst storm and things will get back to being mutually supportive in a more loving and fun environment?

It's understandable how she could feel that you were not "reciprocating" in her efforts. At the same time, she was not "reciprocating" in your efforts -- you guys were working from different play books at the time, and she needs to realize her own part in all of this.

You have both been stressed to the max, just over very different things.

I don't agree with using scare tactics to threaten/bully/control/manipulate someone to do what we want them to do. For you, worst case scenario is that it will become her "last straw"...and will set the stage for extremely hostile divorce and custody proceedings.

January 31, 2008

We are now at at point that she wants to trial separate to see if she will miss us together as a couple or not. I dont want to separate, but she is insisting on it.

Let her go, if it's meant to be it will be, and she will come back. Bigs hugs

January 31, 2008

Has your wife considered seeing an individual counselor who specializes in coping with terminal illness of a loved one? There is sadness, fear and stress that's often not recognized.

You can make it (individual counseling) a condition of your separation -- if she goes for minimum 8 sessions with same counselor, then you two will have a conversation about separation thereafter. (Min. 8 sessions because it's really tough to get an in-depth handle on emotional issues in less -- takes 2 or 3 just to get comfy and build trust with the counselor.)

I don't see how a 1-month overseas "vacation" is a proper test on which to base any long-term decision, though. Give her the responsibility of thinking that through and coming up with a more practical option.

Of course you have more choices than the one your wife is offering! To think otherwise puts you into victim mentality, which won't help anything at all. Neither one of you is a victim; both of your are dealing with aftermath of some very distressing life circumstances.

Also, it isn't about being "willing to change" -- it is about showing that you are changing. It is about already doing things differently. Other than counseling, what are you doing differently on a day-to-day basis? How are you helping her see that, as a family unit, you've all weathered the worst storm and things will get back to being mutually supportive in a more loving and fun environment?

It's understandable how she could feel that you were not "reciprocating" in her efforts. At the same time, she was not "reciprocating" in your efforts -- you guys were working from different play books at the time, and she needs to realize her own part in all of this.
You have both been stressed to the max, just over very different things.

I don't agree with using scare tactics to threaten/bully/control/manipulate someone to do what we want them to do. For you, worst case scenario is that it will become her "last straw"...and will set the stage for extremely hostile divorce and custody proceedings.

Hi Ronni and all who have posted a reply;

Thank-you for all the advice. I agree with alot of it, but also disagree with some as well. I dont think there is another man, my wife is a very faithfull person and she is not prone to something like that. Besides i have already asked her if there was someone else and she has said "no". I agree with her having to take this "seperating" responsibility on, i mean i dont want it and see it as a very last resort to this process. She believes that it's the only way to find out if she will miss "us" together. She has also said that the kids will be fine, as we should seperate in a respectfull and loving manner to show the kids that we are ok with the decision and that they will be loved no matter what. I love my kids and will do anything for them, but i dont know how i will feel towards my wife if this happens. At the moment i feel VERY vulnerable and just want to make it work, but i may feel anger and resentment towards her if we do seperate and i dont know if i can hide those feelings from my kids. I have come from a broken home and i know it will affect the children in a negative way, but my wife believes they will be ok(this is totally absurde). The counselor we went to see also agrees with me that a seperation at this time is not a good idea as there are many mixed feelings going around with her father being ill, but as i said my wife still wants it. In regards to me changing, yes i have started to change the way i am acting and behaving, but it takes time for someone to change how they have been for 39 years....i mean i cant change over night. Some of the things my wife has said bothered her was the fact that i didnt help out around the house much, so now i cook, clean, and get more involved in general. I'm not saying i never did this in the past, but i agree that i didnt do it often, but now that has changed. The main part of this whole thing from my wife's perspective is our intimacy. I guess i'm not the most romantic man in the world, and that is something i need to work on i know. The stress of the last 4 years has definatley affected my libido to the point that my sexual energy levels are very low, but i know it's still there, its just dormant at the moment. This will change as we get ourselves back on our feet financialy and emotionaly, but she doesnt know how to get the spark back, and to be honest neither do i, but i know this for sure, i want to try everything possible to get it back, but i need her to want to try as well. If she is not willing then whatever i try will be futile.

I have to run now as i need to get ready for work, but please reply to this post as i am finding this very theraputic and usefull.

Thanks again

January 31, 2008

I think Ronni comes closest to what I would advise, that there are so many different factors affecting your wife's psychological state right now that counseling could help her get things straight in her mind. And I can tell you from personal experience, depression/a good funk can totally skew your way of thinking ... and convince you that the things that usually make you happy are now making you unhappy.

a trial separation might be beneficial, but honestly? I don't think that's going to solve the more pressing issue of handling her father's illness or the fact that he's dying; that the negative fallout from the family business is something that exists ... she needs to focus on medically and psychologically healing those things before addressing the issue of "bad" marriage. Because like I said, it's her unhappiness and psychological pain that's causing her to view your relationship in such a negative light.

other thought is to get into a marriage enrichment program to focus on strengthening your relationship based on the positive attributes ... I've touted Marriage Encounter, and there are many, many other good programs that can help you cut through the issues and identify what makes your marriage strong.

January 31, 2008

I don't think she has a lover on the side, nor do I think threatening scenarios of your new wife mothering her kids is a wise idea. Quite the opposite, in fact.

I sense your wife is internalizing a lot of her grief. It sounds like she (and you!) have had a VERY rough few years. All of the things you mentioned are the top of the most stressful events scale. Individually hard to handle, but collectively, it's purely overwhelming.

I suspect her Dad's diagnosis was the final straw for her.

I think she is feeling like she wants out of EVERYTHING right now. It really is not a direct reflection of her feelings towards you, or your kids, but probably a reaction to her stress and sadness. Its normal to want to "cave" and just not deal. I also sense a little depression (again, understandable).

I would do this. Give her the space she needs. Insisting against this will work against you. I would tell her that you love her, that she is the most important thing in your life, and that you will stand by her through whatever she needs. Whatever you do - DO NOT invalidate her current reality. Whatever she is feeling, she needs to feel. Encourage her again to seek counseling. The best way to do this, is tell her that you are going to see a therapist on her own. She will probably mimick you doing so.

Keep us posted. I don't think this is over by a long shot. Just a rough patch that needs to be carefully negotiated.

January 31, 2008

I think Ronni comes closest to what I would advise, that there are so many different factors affecting your wife's psychological state right now that counseling could help her get things straight in her mind. And I can tell you from personal experience, depression/a good funk can totally skew your way of thinking ... and convince you that the things that usually make you happy are now making you unhappy.

I can 2nd this. And Jilly's post. You have described some very stress things.. Her family lost their business, you lost your job, her father is ill and dying. You admit you have been neglectful of her. Feeling alone and lonely when you're dealing with a dying parent is one of the hardest things to handle. My mother was ill and ended up hospitalized for 10 straight months before she passed. She was in and out of ICU. Every other week, we heard she would not make it. It was terrible. I was upset and depressed, stressed. I can not express how hard it was on me, emotionally. I didn't feel like my husband was there for me. I resented the hell out of it.

It's taken almost 2 years to look back at that time in my life even half-way clearly. Was it partly my fault for not being more clear to my H I about what I needed? Of course. Did I realize it at the time? No. It got even worse after my mom died because I didn't handle it well at all. We hit very closely to getting divorced and at the time, I don't know if I would have even been upset about it. I was on overload and I didn't have it in me to deal with any thing else. I loved my husband but I didn't know if I wanted to stay married. If I was going to deal with all this problems by myself, why did I need to him? I know now how much he truly loves me to have stuck around and worked with me to fix our marriage.

She really needs some therapy, individual and couple. If the 1st therapist doesn't seem to help, try another. Sometimes it takes a few trial runs before you find a good one and one she will be comfortable with.

February 1, 2008

I can 2nd this. And Jilly's post. You have described some very stress things.. Her family lost their business, you lost your job, her father is ill and dying. You admit you have been neglectful of her. Feeling alone and lonely when you're dealing with a dying parent is one of the hardest things to handle. My mother was ill and ended up hospitalized for 10 straight months before she passed. She was in and out of ICU. Every other week, we heard she would not make it. It was terrible. I was upset and depressed, stressed. I can not express how hard it was on me, emotionally. I didn't feel like my husband was there for me. I resented the hell out of it.

It's taken almost 2 years to look back at that time in my life even half-way clearly. Was it partly my fault for not being more clear to my H I about what I needed? Of course. Did I realize it at the time? No. It got even worse after my mom died because I didn't handle it well at all. We hit very closely to getting divorced and at the time, I don't know if I would have even been upset about it. I was on overload and I didn't have it in me to deal with any thing else. I loved my husband but I didn't know if I wanted to stay married. If I was going to deal with all this problems by myself, why did I need to him? I know now how much he truly loves me to have stuck around and worked with me to fix our marriage.

She really needs some therapy, individual and couple. If the 1st therapist doesn't seem to help, try another. Sometimes it takes a few trial runs before you find a good one and one she will be comfortable with.

Hi Ronni, Quankanne, Jilly Bean and Georgia Songbird,

You have all made alot of sense in what you have said. It's pretty much what i think, but i need to convey it to my wife. She has told me to give her space which i have done, but i'm finding it difficult as we have pretty much been living in eachothers pockets for the past 18 years. i mean we did everything together and very rarely not talked to eachother at least once a day, but now she doesnt even call me at all, all she does is email me. I asked her why and she says that she cant due to her work, but that is just an excuss in my opinion for not wanting to talk. I am also finding it hard not to discuss our problem's everyday with her. She says she doesnt want to talk about it everyday, and so i try not to bring it up but it's hard for me as i believe in talking things out to fix them. She is also saying things like she never had the chance to live on her own as she basically lived with me right after leaving her familly home. She is also going out with her friends alot more now, which by the way i have no problem with, in fact i encouraged it in the past, but she always said she didnt want to as all of her friends were at different stages in their lives like going out partying, which she wasnt interested in doing. She is even visiting an old friend over this weekend(4 days) who moved to Sydney which in the past my wife has told me that she finds it very hard to be with more than a couple of hours as she pretty much has to carry the conversation the whole time due to the friend being a very boring person. It's almost like she has completely changed her persona over the last few months. I have told her that i think she is depressed and maybe she should go to the doctors to get some medication to help, but she refuses. She knows my view on these types of medication and she thinks that i will dissaprove as i have in the past. I can be fairly opinionated when it comes to certain things, which i know if a downfall, but i want her to get better and if it takes using chemical intervention, then so be it.....i just want my wife back the way she was....which may not be possible anymore, but at least she will be well and happy, even if it's without me in the picture. I love her unconditionaly, and want to see her grow and become the person she was, and if it takes us splitting up, then i guess it's needs to be done, but i dont think splitting will help.

This is really good for me talking about this stuff....please keep replying....i need the feedback.

February 1, 2008

The main part of this whole thing from my wife's perspective is our intimacy. I guess i'm not the most romantic man in the world, and that is something i need to work on i know. The stress of the last 4 years has definatley affected my libido to the point that my sexual energy levels are very low, but i know it's still there, its just dormant at the moment.

By "dormant" do you mean that you and your wife have not been having sex?

What has been your frequency over the last 4 years?

February 1, 2008

I have told her that i think she is depressed and maybe she should go to the doctors to get some medication to help, but she refuses. She knows my view on these types of medication and she thinks that i will disapprove as i have in the past. I can be fairly opinionated when it comes to certain things, which i know if a downfall, but i want her to get better and if it takes using chemical intervention, then so be it...

I can see how she would feel stigmatized, especially if you – in your ignorance – made some kind of remark about mental health and medical treatment. Because now she feels you see her as some kind of incompetent "loser" for needing something like this.

instead, try thinking of it this way: You purchase a vehicle knowing full well you're going to have to keep up maintenance so that you can depend on it to run properly. You check the air in the tires, you take it in for oil changes, you top off the brake fluid and the fuel tank ... when it starts acting funny, you look for the little problem before it becomes a bigger problem. Right?

your body's blood chemistry works the same way. When you ignore the light that says your oil is low and refuse to add a quart, you understand that you're doing something to seriously screw up the car's engine/transmission. When you ignore your body's needs to have a balanced blood chemistry, it manifests itself psychologically. In my particular case, I was burning the candles at both ends running myself ragged and going through some heavy grieving in the process. Which took a serious hit on my red blood cell production that even B-12 shots didn't make much of an impact on. Meanwhile, I was convinced that maybe I should quit the job that I dearly loved, that I could just hole up at home. My husband, bless his heart, didn't know how to console me though he did his best to try to keep things stressfree around home ...

it was like I was operating on a whole other level. That I could see things going on the way they normally did, but instead of being directly involved, I was underwater the whole time. I felt like a distant participant, and the worst part was that I couldn't discern how unnatural this was – I just thought it was grief combined with being so incredibly tired ... Thank God for my doctor, who very gently explained that holding in all that stress was affecting me, that I didn't have to live like that. That he would prescribe a mild anti-depressant to help with the stress of what I was experiencing. And you know what? I finally started feeling like the person I was before that Whole Bad Year of Both Our Mamas Dying … and was able to realize that the next bad funk that came along had a starting and a stopping point. See, when depression and stress hit you – and I guarantee all this stuff involving her family is what's at the center of her psychological problems – you cannot distinguish that fact that there WILL BE an end to it. It just seems like a fathomless horizon of funk that keeps on coming.

I'm posting a link to a fantastic website that help me put things into perspective of what an out-of-what blood chemistry can do. Read it, print it out, share it with your wife and tell her you now understand just how sensitive the body's needs are. And then encourage her to help take care of herself, that you'll be beside her the whole way, even if she does feel the way she does about your relationship:

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=160

February 1, 2008

By "dormant" do you mean that you and your wife have not been having sex?

What has been your frequency over the last 4 years?

Well as i said, the last 4 years have been really stressfull. The frequency has been probably once a month, sometimes twice depending on the whatever the crisis that was hapening at the time. I know it's not enough from a phisical point of view, but we did however enjoy intimacy in other ways such as spending quality time together, going out for dinner, etc. I guess what i;m trying to say is our physical intimacy was more time than others absent and this is the reason i am in this mess today. My whole focus was on the business and trying to get it to a point where we were able to live comfortably. I wanted to give my wife everything in a material sense, but i didnt realize i was neglecting the simple things that she wanted me to give her, and that was me!! If i knew then what i know now, i would never have started this damn business, it's cost me alot financialy and emotionaly and i hope to god i dont loose her over it.

February 1, 2008

Well as i said, the last 4 years have been really stressfull. The frequency has been probably once a month, sometimes twice depending on the whatever the crisis that was hapening at the time. I know it's not enough from a phisical point of view, but we did however enjoy intimacy in other ways such as spending quality time together, going out for dinner, etc. I guess what i;m trying to say is our physical intimacy was more time than others absent and this is the reason i am in this mess today. My whole focus was on the business and trying to get it to a point where we were able to live comfortably. I wanted to give my wife everything in a material sense, but i didnt realize i was neglecting the simple things that she wanted me to give her, and that was me!! If i knew then what i know now, i would never have started this damn business, it's cost me alot financialy and emotionaly and i hope to god i dont loose her over it.

Well,this is huge, imo. Four years without physical intimacy is bound to take a big toll on a marriage. Your wife's sexuality must have taken a beating during this time.

February 4, 2008

I have told her that i think she is depressed and maybe she should go to the doctors to get some medication to help, but she refuses. She knows my view on these types of medication and she thinks that i will disapprove as i have in the past. I can be fairly opinionated when it comes to certain things, which i know if a downfall, but i want her to get better and if it takes using chemical intervention, then so be it...

I can see how she would feel stigmatized, especially if you – in your ignorance – made some kind of remark about mental health and medical treatment. Because now she feels you see her as some kind of incompetent "loser" for needing something like this.

instead, try thinking of it this way: You purchase a vehicle knowing full well you're going to have to keep up maintenance so that you can depend on it to run properly. You check the air in the tires, you take it in for oil changes, you top off the brake fluid and the fuel tank ... when it starts acting funny, you look for the little problem before it becomes a bigger problem. Right?

your body's blood chemistry works the same way. When you ignore the light that says your oil is low and refuse to add a quart, you understand that you're doing something to seriously screw up the car's engine/transmission. When you ignore your body's needs to have a balanced blood chemistry, it manifests itself psychologically. In my particular case, I was burning the candles at both ends running myself ragged and going through some heavy grieving in the process. Which took a serious hit on my red blood cell production that even B-12 shots didn't make much of an impact on. Meanwhile, I was convinced that maybe I should quit the job that I dearly loved, that I could just hole up at home. My husband, bless his heart, didn't know how to console me though he did his best to try to keep things stressfree around home ...

it was like I was operating on a whole other level. That I could see things going on the way they normally did, but instead of being directly involved, I was underwater the whole time. I felt like a distant participant, and the worst part was that I couldn't discern how unnatural this was – I just thought it was grief combined with being so incredibly tired ... Thank God for my doctor, who very gently explained that holding in all that stress was affecting me, that I didn't have to live like that. That he would prescribe a mild anti-depressant to help with the stress of what I was experiencing. And you know what? I finally started feeling like the person I was before that Whole Bad Year of Both Our Mamas Dying … and was able to realize that the next bad funk that came along had a starting and a stopping point. See, when depression and stress hit you – and I guarantee all this stuff involving her family is what's at the center of her psychological problems – you cannot distinguish that fact that there WILL BE an end to it. It just seems like a fathomless horizon of funk that keeps on coming.

I'm posting a link to a fantastic website that help me put things into perspective of what an out-of-what blood chemistry can do. Read it, print it out, share it with your wife and tell her you now understand just how sensitive the body's needs are. And then encourage her to help take care of herself, that you'll be beside her the whole way, even if she does feel the way she does about your relationship:

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=160

Hi Quankanne;

This link you gave me is great!! I am now more convinced than ever that my wife has some type of deression. Some of the classic signs that are described in the document are exactly what she is displaying. For example "total loss in sexual interest", "Emotional sadness", "Body aches", "Low self confidence", "Loss of sense of humour" "Familly has sensed she has faded away", "Very chronicaly unhappy and pessimistic, and saying oh well this is my life", Emotionaly numb, she doesnt know how she feels about her life, marriage, future", "asked how she feels by others and her response is"i dont know", " escape fantacy's" she is wanting to just go away.....hence her 4 day trip to see a girlfriend that she doesnt even particularly want to spend time with. She is also displaying a "need for change" panic (a mid life crisis) a divorce or seperation.

All of these signs point to very low level of Seratonin and depression. You are right when you said i was ignorant to depression, and you know what, i am also displaying some of these signs, so i am going to look into how i am feeling as well.

The trick now is to aproach my wife and discuss this information with her. I mean i dont want to get into a situation where she thinks i'm blaming her for what we are going thru, because i know i have caused alot of it, but she needs to understand that maybe her mind isnt clear at the moment and she needs to seek some type medcal help so that she make dicisons that are sound and right of mind.

Tell me if i'm on the right track here please.

February 4, 2008

She is no longer "in love" with you. Not alot will change her mind. Try the separation and see how it works out.....

February 5, 2008

I love your wife's responce of how the "kids" will be fine.

I ask you, even in the best of situations.. How the hell are the kids fine going back and forth ... 1/2 on and 1/2 between two familes?

and.. "the kids are going to be fine.." I know your kids are young, but a bit older, and they'd collaspe at the very mention of "DIVORCE".

I know this isn't popular... especially here at a "relationship help" blog, but Divorce is extremely selfish act whose victim's are the kids. (Short of Addiction or Abuse in the marriage). and.. I don't take the.. "kids are better off not seeing us fight" B.S. either..... you know why?? You're both adults.. you don't HAVE to fight.. just keep your trap shut and act maturally..... And NO, your "lovelife" doesn't come before your minor children that you decided to make.

I'm just livid at your wife taking likely the single most distructive act in your KIDS ENTIRE LIFE.. AS..

EHHHHHHHHHHHH they'll get over it~!

Sick..

February 5, 2008

I love your wife's responce of how the "kids" will be fine.

I ask you, even in the best of situations.. How the hell are the kids fine going back and forth ... 1/2 on and 1/2 between two familes?

and.. "the kids are going to be fine.." I know your kids are young, but a bit older, and they'd collaspe at the very mention of "DIVORCE".

I know this isn't popular... especially here at a "relationship help" blog, but Divorce is extremely selfish act whose victim's are the kids. (Short of Addiction or Abuse in the marriage). and.. I don't take the.. "kids are better off not seeing us fight" B.S. either..... you know why?? You're both adults.. you don't HAVE to fight.. just keep your trap shut and act maturally..... And NO, your "lovelife" doesn't come before your minor children that you decided to make.

I'm just livid at your wife taking likely the single most distructive act in your KIDS ENTIRE LIFE.. AS..
EHHHHHHHHHHHH they'll get over it~!

Sick..

Hi Anna,

I agree that the kids will be affected negatively, but she believes that they will be fine. Thing is i went through it when my parents divorced and it did affect me, all you have to look at is how i am today. I thought i blocked all of the bad stuff out from my childhood, but i actually didnt. My situation was different in as my parents went through a very ugly divorce and we were right in the middle of it, but i believe our kids will have a rough time of it even if we pretend and make it amicable.

My wife is not a selfish person, that is for sure, but i think she is seeing the world without me in the picture as all rosy and perfect. I agree that having the kids move from one house to the other is ridiculous and will affect them in a bad way. Stability is very important with kids in as it helps them with their confidence and feeling secure with themselves. I remember as a child feeling more secure at a friends house then being at either one of my own parents houses.

I dont know, whenever i try to talk to her about us, she blows up and says she doesnt want to talk about it. The most recent was this morning, i had to talk about it and she flew off the handle. I pointed out that i think that maybe she was depressed and gave her some literature on the subject and she said that only she could fix herself and not me. I wasnt trying to fix her directly, i was merely pointing out that her feelings and thoughts towards me might not all be what is affecting her unhappyness. She was very cold and said that it was me that was making her unhappy and she wants to seperate no matter what i say or do.

I'm at my whitts end, i dont know what else to do but leave as she wants. What frustrates me is the fact that i never gave up on getting us back on our feet financialy, but now that we are, she is giving up on us!!!

Its a cruel world and there sint much we can do about it, some things are out of our hands.

I'm not going to give up on her as i love her dearly even if she is being cold and cruel towards me. I'm not a door mat by any stretch of the immagination, but as i said i love her and always will.

February 5, 2008

what you're sharing definitely sounds like a form of depression ... and if she's oblivious to what effect divorce would have on the kids – especially if before all of this she's been their biggest champion – her behavior kind of makes sense.

I think you're definitely on the right track looking into medical help. Maybe suggest that both of y'all get physicals, even if it takes telling her that it'd be a good thing for the kids if we honestly plan to split up so that THEY can be reassured they'll have someone around to care for them when they're with one of us or the other.

She is no longer "in love" with you. Not a lot will change her mind. Try the separation and see how it works out

take this with a grain of salt, because I can tell you first-hand how depression skews your thinking, even when it pertains to something or someone you love. You might not be able to change her mind, true, but if it's truly a chemical imbalance that can be corrected, her perception might be shifted back to something near normal.

so don't give up, but encourage her to attend to her health. Show her the link or a print-out of it, it might provide an epiphany, or it might convince her to at least make sure things are fine in that area. Because you just don't go from well-matched and suitable to being slammed by so many different stress factors and not be seriously affected.

it's heartening to see that you're giving it your all, fella! :love:

February 6, 2008

She is no longer "in love" with you. Not a lot will change her mind. Try the separation and see how it works out

take this with a grain of salt, because I can tell you first-hand how depression skews your thinking, even when it pertains to something or someone you love. You might not be able to change her mind, true, but if it's truly a chemical imbalance that can be corrected, her perception might be shifted back to something near normal.

Again.. I have to agree. I went been touched by true clinical depression 2 times in my life and it does affect the way you see life and the choices that you make. You can feel alone in the world and like no one cares. They can say they do but you just seeing their lips moving and what they are saying just doesn't hit home. Just before and after my mother passed, I was almost emotionally dead and I made some terrible decisions. It sounds dramatic and I don't really mean it that way but that's the only way I can express it. I could have walked away from my marriage just as your wife thinks she can and I felt it wouldn't have been that painful. And I was right, because I wasn't feeling anything at all. In an effort just to "hold it together" all my emotions were on the back burner. And that may be why your wife doesn't really understand the affect a D will have on the kids, even if you two can remain civil toward each other and not put the kids in the middle.

If she is refusing to go, I don't know if there is some way you can insist on IC and MC ..maybe tell you won't agree to any D or separation until this happens?

February 6, 2008

Just before and after my mother passed, I was almost emotionally dead and I made some terrible decisions. It sounds dramatic and I don't really mean it that way but that's the only way I can express it. I could have walked away from my marriage just as your wife thinks she can and I felt it wouldn't have been that painful. And I was right, because I wasn't feeling anything at all. In an effort just to "hold it together" all my emotions were on the back burner.

yep, this is exactly what I was talking about ... everything just gets turned around, but because you have no real bearings – and you often don't know how to express yourself – you make decisions you normally wouldn't. Simply because you're trying to hold it together.

which makes me wonder if, when you're in a situation like that, you instinctively feel that by jettisoning as much of your life as you can, you can "cope" better? Does that make sense, GS?

February 6, 2008

what you're sharing definitely sounds like a form of depression ... and if she's oblivious to what effect divorce would have on the kids – especially if before all of this she's been their biggest champion – her behavior kind of makes sense.

I think you're definitely on the right track looking into medical help. Maybe suggest that both of y'all get physicals, even if it takes telling her that it'd be a good thing for the kids if we honestly plan to split up so that THEY can be reassured they'll have someone around to care for them when they're with one of us or the other.

She is no longer "in love" with you. Not a lot will change her mind. Try the separation and see how it works out

take this with a grain of salt, because I can tell you first-hand how depression skews your thinking, even when it pertains to something or someone you love. You might not be able to change her mind, true, but if it's truly a chemical imbalance that can be corrected, her perception might be shifted back to something near normal.

so don't give up, but encourage her to attend to her health. Show her the link or a print-out of it, it might provide an epiphany, or it might convince her to at least make sure things are fine in that area. Because you just don't go from well-matched and suitable to being slammed by so many different stress factors and not be seriously affected.

it's heartening to see that you're giving it your all, fella! :love:

Hi Quankanne and others,

I recieved this email from my wife today about the mental health article you sent me:

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial]"I have read and intend to re-read the information you have given me. Yes it does raise some valid points and parallels. Parallels we probably all feel and go through from time to time throughout stressful situations. [/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial]Thank you for spending time researching this. Perhaps we might spend 5 minutes discussing this tonight. (I certainly don’t want screaming matches – 5 minute time limit)[/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial]Hope your day is going ok?"[/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]