Marriage Problem

[thegr81]

Yep, this makes perfect sense. If you walk out on everything else, you don't have to take time to figure out how you feel. That much less taking up emotional baggage space.

 

thegre81.. you need to push the issue of IC and MC. Yes it is normal for everyone to have ups and downs but she is not the right person to diagnosis herself.

 

 

HI All,

 

Well here is an update. As recent as last night, my wife and i had a discussion....well i was talking, she was screeming and very agressive about our situation. I have decided to make her take ownership of her wanting to leave, which means i am not going to go on an overseas trip to give her space. If she needs space, she needs to leave and get her own place. I am trying to be as suportive as i can by telling her i will help her find a place nearby and help out with furniture and other things she will need. Her reaction has been quite strange as all the way through this we have been sleeping in the same bed, but now all of a sudden, she wants to sleep apart....dont know why?? I am still very against us seperating, but she wont change her mind so i need to go with it.

 

I have been reading a book on how to get your lover back and it says you need to use love to get her back. I cant get mad or angry as this is not an act of love. I know it's going to be hard and goes against my natural reaction, but for my kids and my wife i will be strong and give her what she wants. I wont give up on her, although i feel she is giving up on us.

 

Please reply with your comments.

 

Thegr81

[Ronni_W]

...i am not going to go on an overseas trip to give her space. If she needs space, she needs to leave and get her own place

...now all of a sudden, she wants to sleep apart....dont know why?? I am still very against us seperating, but she wont change her mind so i need to go with it.

...I cant get mad or angry as this is not an act of love.

There is a difference between acting mad/angry vs. communicating assertively - setting healthy boundaries about how you wish to be treated, and expressing your needs and views on what may be best for the family unit in kind and loving ways.

 

I think it is a good idea to let her be in charge of finding her own "space" -- it shows that you respect her needs and at the same time are confident in her ability to meet them herself. (That overseas trip did seem like a half-baked "quick fix" for something that doesn't have a quick fix.)

 

Her desire for separate sleeping is part of her need for space...it comes with the territory and not cause for any extra alarm at this point.

 

It is possible she is screaming and acting aggressively towards you because the way you communicate is making her feel defensive. (I'm getting that from when you type stuff like, "I am going to make her..." and "...she needs to..." -- these can come across as aggressive statements, especially when the psyche is already vulnerable. It is just my interpretation, and not necessarily your truth, of course. But I sense you have a strong personality and part of the dynamic here is that everything is very much out of your control. Again, if that doesn't fit with your own truth, please just ignore it.)

 

 

I haven't visited the forum for a while, and just want to add a comment to your post of some time back... It is perfectly acceptable to let her know that you have educated yourself on the benefits of using mood stabilizing drugs under professional supervision and for a specified time, so you have changed your prior beliefs that it was "all bad" and will fully support whatever decision she makes with her mental health care professional.

 

In general, I think it is healthy when we can acknowledge prior errors in our thinking and actions -- shows we are human, can forgive ourselves and thus, can also forgive others. It will also help her, down the road, to acknowledge what she may discover to be errors in her current ways of doing things, knowing that you understand how easily that can happen AND that you also know people can and do revise and update their beliefs and behaviour.

 

 

I get that you are against the separation but I also respect your wife's right to want it and to go ahead with it. From that perspective, it might be more productive to start thinking of the positive outcomes that you desire from the separation, instead?

 

For example: that she gains clarity, healing, increased self-esteem, a renewed energy and respect for herself, you and the family, and ultimately, closer relationships all around, etc.

How can you spend the time wisely and productively? Is it a chance to learn a new hobby or skill? Or go back to doing something you used to love doing? Renew old friendships with your buddies? Take an 'assertive communication' course?

 

However your list looks, let the positives be your focus and use them to guide your thoughts and actions. I know it isn't all that easy but, in my own experience, sometimes when I focus on what I DO want, solutions seem to come "out of nowhere". At least, one's small "next step" becomes a little clearer.

 

Sending good vibes for positive outcomes.

[american-woman]

There are a few read flags here (cheating). What ever you do DO NOT leave the house. Tell her you want to stay married and you will do whatever it takes to stay that way. Try to spend as much time with her filling her emotional needs. In fact if you can get her to, both of you list your 10 most important emotional needs and take it from there. But whatever you do don`t leave because if you do and there is an OP in the picture this will give her time to spend with him.

 

Do some detective work.

[thegr81]

There is a difference between acting mad/angry vs. communicating assertively - setting healthy boundaries about how you wish to be treated, and expressing your needs and views on what may be best for the family unit in kind and loving ways.

 

I think it is a good idea to let her be in charge of finding her own "space" -- it shows that you respect her needs and at the same time are confident in her ability to meet them herself. (That overseas trip did seem like a half-baked "quick fix" for something that doesn't have a quick fix.)

 

Her desire for separate sleeping is part of her need for space...it comes with the territory and not cause for any extra alarm at this point.

 

It is possible she is screaming and acting aggressively towards you because the way you communicate is making her feel defensive. (I'm getting that from when you type stuff like, "I am going to make her..." and "...she needs to..." -- these can come across as aggressive statements, especially when the psyche is already vulnerable. It is just my interpretation, and not necessarily your truth, of course. But I sense you have a strong personality and part of the dynamic here is that everything is very much out of your control. Again, if that doesn't fit with your own truth, please just ignore it.)

 

 

I haven't visited the forum for a while, and just want to add a comment to your post of some time back... It is perfectly acceptable to let her know that you have educated yourself on the benefits of using mood stabilizing drugs under professional supervision and for a specified time, so you have changed your prior beliefs that it was "all bad" and will fully support whatever decision she makes with her mental health care professional.

 

In general, I think it is healthy when we can acknowledge prior errors in our thinking and actions -- shows we are human, can forgive ourselves and thus, can also forgive others. It will also help her, down the road, to acknowledge what she may discover to be errors in her current ways of doing things, knowing that you understand how easily that can happen AND that you also know people can and do revise and update their beliefs and behaviour.

 

 

I get that you are against the separation but I also respect your wife's right to want it and to go ahead with it. From that perspective, it might be more productive to start thinking of the positive outcomes that you desire from the separation, instead?

 

For example: that she gains clarity, healing, increased self-esteem, a renewed energy and respect for herself, you and the family, and ultimately, closer relationships all around, etc.

How can you spend the time wisely and productively? Is it a chance to learn a new hobby or skill? Or go back to doing something you used to love doing? Renew old friendships with your buddies? Take an 'assertive communication' course?

 

However your list looks, let the positives be your focus and use them to guide your thoughts and actions. I know it isn't all that easy but, in my own experience, sometimes when I focus on what I DO want, solutions seem to come "out of nowhere". At least, one's small "next step" becomes a little clearer.

 

Sending good vibes for positive outcomes.

 

 

Hi Ronni,

 

Thanks for the post, you seem to be very knowledgable in this area and have alot of good advice, i thank you for spending the time to help.

 

This is where we are at now. She is going to spend a couple of days(2 or 3) at her mom's house starting next week while her parents are away on a holiday. Once they come back, she will continue spending 2 or 3 days there to see if she feels any happier living away from me. I really dont understand her thinking, i mean ofcourse she will enjoy living with her parents again due to being able to spend time with her terminally ill father, which she has been longing to do, but has not had the time due to work and familly comittments. Now i asked her how she would be able to really gauge whether or not she is happier being without me or not while living with her parents for a few days per week and she said that we would need to talk about that point when we cross that bridge......what the hell does that mean???? Anyway, i just cant see how this is going to help her decide whether or not she wants to stay with me or not.....she then proceded to say that if she is feeling happier whie living with her parents, she will then take the next step and get her own place. What do you think about this plan of hers???

 

I have been reading alot of posts in this forum and one in particular sticks in my mind that states that i should tell her i want us to be together, but then break all ties with her unless it has to do with the kids, but even then just stick to whatever involves the kids and nothing else. I need to be strong and dignified and show her that i can keep on keeping on without her. I am terrified of doing this in case she decides that i'm ok with her leaving and its misconstrued as me not carring if she leaves or not. What do you think???

 

Another strategy is to try and win her back with love, respect and understanding. Support her with her move, help as much as i can, and try and make every opportunity we have together, no matter how short, a positive experience. This is very hard also, as i am starting to have feelings of anger towards her. I mean i have been working my tail off with this business and never gave up no matter how hard it was, but i see her giving up on me now, which makes me think that she never loved me the way i love her. How can i go on loving her the way i do, when she clearly doesnt love me the same way. She says that to love someone 100%, you need to love yourself first....i guess she doesnt love herself, this is why she doesnt love me 100%.

 

I also look at my mental state of mind right now, and from the research i have done and the symptoms i have discovered, i believe that i have had a mild to medium case of depression for the past 2-3 years and i didnt even know it. If this is true, her wanting to leave me is akin to a partner leaving the other who has maybe just had an accident and has become a parapalegic or has had a stroke and cant function properlly. I mean how could someone leave their partner cause they couldnt handle it, after them experiencing some kind of trauma in their life. This is something i could never do. A mental illness is just as much a trauma as a phisical one, the only difference is it's manifested in your head and is not physically noticable. Does that make sense??? Am i thinking the right way or am i way off base here????

 

Last night she told me that she wanted to tell the kids on the weekend that mom and dad will be spending some time appart from eachother soon. She wants me to put on a brave face to not let the kids know that i am devestated. I agree that i dont want the kids affected by this and this is why i am totally against the seperation, but i cant make her stay and she has made up her mind and i cant do a damn thing about it. At first i said that if she wants to leave, she needs to tell the kids, i didnt want any part of it, but then she said that i helped get her where she is now, and i need to be there to support her and show the kids that i am ok with the seperation. I want to protect my kids, but i feel i am decieving them by taking part in her revelation. THIS IS A VERY DIFFICULT SITUATION!!!! Can you give me some advice???

 

I just now feel that she is giving up on us, which is something i have never done and would never do. I am seeing a phsycotherapist at the moment and she believes with my childhood experiences, i am a prime candidate for depresion and believes that i should go see a phsyciatrist to get diagnosed and possibly some anti depressants to help out....i will consider it. I ask you this, would you leave your partner if you knew he had some kind of ailment that prevented him or her to function properly in a relationship knowing full well that it can be fixed and worked on??? Leaving is a very cruel and insensitive act and shows me that the care factor for me is not there, she is totally dismissing the fact that i may have been impaired as a person and this is why i neglected her emotionally, physically, and intimatelly. I mean i didnt realize i was doing it, but since i have looked into depression and what symptoms it can manifest as well as get profesional help with it, I NOW FULLY UNDERSTAND WHAT I DID AND WHY!!!! But she says it's too late......again i think she is being very cruel.

 

I look forward to hearing you comments and sugestions.

 

Thegr81

[littlekitty]

I take it she is aware that you are seeing the phsycotherapist and that you now admit you are depressed and may need medical assistance for this too?

 

Has this gone anyway to her looking at her own issues? I was going to suggest you look at your own depression in the hope that your doing that might make her consider doing the same?

 

What was her reaction at her discovery of your depression?

[thegr81]

I take it she is aware that you are seeing the phsycotherapist and that you now admit you are depressed and may need medical assistance for this too?

 

Has this gone anyway to her looking at her own issues? I was going to suggest you look at your own depression in the hope that your doing that might make her consider doing the same?

 

What was her reaction at her discovery of your depression?

 

 

HI Little Kitty,

 

Yes she is aware that i am seeing a therapist, and she encourages it. She knows that i seem to think that i am depressed and when i told her about it, she scoffed and almost made fun of me saying "what you want me to stay because of your mental Illness", when she said that i was shocked how insensitive she was towards me, which makes me believe that she too is depressed as her hostility and lack of empathy is very out of the ordinary for her. I gave her the research i found on depression and pointed out all of the symptoms i believed she was dissplaying and she came back and said that yes she sees similarities in her behaviour as to what the research says, but then goes on to say that many people go through these emotions and symptoms and everyday. Juts the other day i asked her about how she was feeling and she said she was fine, and the only thing that is making her crazy was me. That really hurt me!!!

 

I tell her that it's almost like she hates me, but she says she doesnt, she loves me. Thing is, what she is doing is not an act of love!!

 

I want her to see a therapist, but she says she will do it when she is ready. In my mind, she is calling all of the shots here and she is not giving me any say what so ever.

 

Here are some of the symptoms i have been displaying through my "depression" but i really didnt know it until now.

 

1-lack of libido

2-eratic sleep

3-developed a skin irritation

4-paranoia

5-irritability

6-lack of self confidence

7-pessimistic

 

For me the biggest thing is the libido. I mean i am a very sexual person. I dont mean i wanted sex everyday twice a day, but i do enjoy it, or at least did. Now i am numb and have no feelings of that kind. I know i am very attracted to my wife as she is a gorgeous woman, but i just dont seem interested.

 

This whole situation can be explained by depression, but my wife doesnt seem to want to listen now, she says she cant help feeling the way she does and that is it.......it all seems so final, but she has said that this may be the best thing for us. We could have some time away from eachother and she could realize that its not me thats making her unhappy, it's something else, but wouldnt you look into everything possible first before taking rash decisions such as seperating from your husband that truly loves you unconditionaly???

 

Let me know what you think.

[stampdaddy]

Hi Ronni and all who have posted a reply;

 

Thank-you for all the advice. I agree with alot of it, but also disagree with some as well. I dont think there is another man, my wife is a very faithfull person and she is not prone to something like that. Besides i have already asked her if there was someone else and she has said "no". I agree with her having to take this "seperating" responsibility on, i mean i dont want it and see it as a very last resort to this process. She believes that it's the only way to find out if she will miss "us" together. She has also said that the kids will be fine, as we should seperate in a respectfull and loving manner to show the kids that we are ok with the decision and that they will be loved no matter what. I love my kids and will do anything for them, but i dont know how i will feel towards my wife if this happens. At the moment i feel VERY vulnerable and just want to make it work, but i may feel anger and resentment towards her if we do seperate and i dont know if i can hide those feelings from my kids. I have come from a broken home and i know it will affect the children in a negative way, but my wife believes they will be ok(this is totally absurde). The counselor we went to see also agrees with me that a seperation at this time is not a good idea as there are many mixed feelings going around with her father being ill, but as i said my wife still wants it. In regards to me changing, yes i have started to change the way i am acting and behaving, but it takes time for someone to change how they have been for 39 years....i mean i cant change over night. Some of the things my wife has said bothered her was the fact that i didnt help out around the house much, so now i cook, clean, and get more involved in general. I'm not saying i never did this in the past, but i agree that i didnt do it often, but now that has changed. The main part of this whole thing from my wife's perspective is our intimacy. I guess i'm not the most romantic man in the world, and that is something i need to work on i know. The stress of the last 4 years has definatley affected my libido to the point that my sexual energy levels are very low, but i know it's still there, its just dormant at the moment. This will change as we get ourselves back on our feet financialy and emotionaly, but she doesnt know how to get the spark back, and to be honest neither do i, but i know this for sure, i want to try everything possible to get it back, but i need her to want to try as well. If she is not willing then whatever i try will be futile.

 

I have to run now as i need to get ready for work, but please reply to this post as i am finding this very theraputic and usefull.

 

Thanks again

 

I think you should print out the above and give it to her... And ask her to add to it, what more can you do to help...

[thegr81]

I think you should print out the above and give it to her... And ask her to add to it, what more can you do to help...

 

 

Well here is where the situation is at now.

 

My wife has decided to move out and live with her parents on a partime basis. She will stay with them on a Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday nights and come back to the familly home on all other days. She says the kids can have a "sleepover" with her if they want, if they dont they can just stay with me. Now i know for a fact, my son wont want to, and she is fine with that......which i cant believe, almost like she is ok with the kids being away from her. Even my daughter will most likely want to stay home with me eventually when the novalty wears off.

 

My wife says that she is almost 95% sure this will make her a happier person and will ultimately give her the evidence she needs to call it quits and she gets her own place on our way to getting a divorce.

 

I think moving in with her parents will make her happier as it will give her more time with her dying father, which is what she is longing for, but cant due to our familly committments and her work. I know she resents me for that, so ofcourse her moving out and living with them will make her happier.

 

I am so devestated at what is happening. I am feeling more and more down about it and fear that the depresion (or whatever it is) is getting worse and she doesnt seem to care at all. She says she wants me to continue with therapy, which i am and will and when i told her i will be giving anti depresants a try, she encouraged that too. Now i have no doubt she wants me to feel better, but i suspect it's to make her feel better about leaving me in the state i am in. I mean would you leave a partner that was sick........i wouldnt!!!

 

My therapist, friends, even her side of the familly tells me that they dont agree with what she is doing and dont know why she is taking such rash actions. This leads me to believe that she is in fact depressed herself and is not making sound decisions. I mean i know there are things we need to work on, but she keeps on telling me that if she stays she will be un happy for the rest of her life and that she will be a broken woman....which are signs of despaire and anxiety, which are symptoms of depresion, but she says that she is fine and her mind is clear.

 

I am so very distraught. My wife says i need to be strong for the kids, and i know that, but i am finding it very difficult as time goes on, i am VERY SCARED!!

 

Please post comments, i havent recieved any advice for a while.