Jackie35 Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 Been with my partner for coming up to 17 years. Met him when I was 18! I'm happy with him, he makes me laugh, he listens, he goes out to work everyday, he tells me over and over how special I am to him. He is my best friend, and sex is still amazing....so why dosen't he want to marry me? It used to get to me alot, he would change the subject when it came up, and sometimes even get a little angry about it.Hes reasons not to have been that he is too shy. we cant afford it. its only a piece of paper etc. I don't know I just feel that if he really loved me as he says then he would make the effort, plus it would make our daughter very happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 "Too shy" is a new one. When we got married, my groom's only 'thing' was that he wasn't going to make a speech. I made the speech and when guests started calling for him to say something, I told them we'd agreed that he wasn't going to/didn't have to. And that was that. My only guess is that about 15 years ago your partner had serious commitment issues, and he just hasn't updated his thinking about it. He may not yet realize that he just can't get more committed no matter what he does or does not do -- he may still be luxuriating in a feeling of "freedom" that just is not his reality anymore. If it is about big (expensive) wedding vs. intimate & private, perhaps you both can find a compromise? If it is just a piece of paper to him, then another way to look at it is, "So...what is the big deal for him?" (It obviously is more important to you, and he ought to consider that, as well.) Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 Hes reasons not to have been that we cant afford it. its only a piece of paper etc. These are valid reasons not to want to get married. Why are you so desperate to throw your money away? Sounds like you've got it all now! I don't know I just feel that if he really loved me as he says then he would make the effort If he really loved you as he says, he'd probably show it in other ways... like this perhaps?: he makes me laugh, he listens, he goes out to work everyday, he tells me over and over how special I am to him. He is my best friend, and sex is still amazing.... Come on now... you're conditioned to believe you "need" marriage... You Don't! I agree with him completely and don't think your desire to blow time and money on something like this should trump his feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaSongbird Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 (edited) There are also valid reasons for marriage, mostly related to estates (pensions, who gets a 401k if he passes) and next of kin issues. If something happens to him and he needs treatment but can not consent, the medical community is looking for a permission from someone. It is not usually the woman he lives with, in most cases. They'll call his mom, brother or some other relative who would qualify as a legal next of kin. How horrible will it be for her to not have control in a situation like that? If he has a 401k or pension to be paid in the event of his death, those normally go to a spouse unless the spouse has waived her/his right to it. What will this poster get if he passes, has an accident? I'm thinking (and I could be wrong) since he is not willing to get married, that he has not made a will that protects you and your daughter, signed a durable medical power of attorney? Marriage is a protection for the family. That's one logical reason to do it. As well as it seems, she may want to do it for emotional reasons as well. Marriage doesn't have to cost a lot of money. The marriage license and the any necessary blood tests required by the state are all that is legally necessary. When I got married the 1st time, we went to the court house and was married by a judge in a private ceremony with a few friends/family as witnesses. It was less than $100. edited for typos cause i need coffee Edited January 31, 2008 by GeorgiaSongbird Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 I don't do the "living together" thing. I tried it once after my divorce. Didn't work out. If you move in with her? Sooner or later ~ more times than not you're going to hear: "This is my house, its either my way or the highway!" If she moves in with you? You end up sitting around getting drunk, wondering: "How am I going to get this B***** out my house! And, usually she's the very one that'll you'll catch crawling in through the bathroom window at two in morning, havig to get the law involved, and get an RO against! Nope!!!!!! In for a penny ~ in for a pound! I'm good enough to live with?! I'm good enough to marry! Link to post Share on other sites
shadowofman Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 I could be any reason really. Personally I will never get married. My "wife" was interested in it at first, but I quickly nipped that in the bud. Why in the world would you legally bind yourself to a person? Can you really expect your relationship to last forever? What are the odds of that happening? We all think it's going to happen (like I think I will be with my "wife forever") but I recognize this notion as wishful thinking. Personally I think marriage should be a strictly religious ritual, and seperate from state affairs completely. As far as pensions, 401ks, and next of kin, you can just document your wishes. It doesn't have to go to a legal partner. Hell, you should be able to document that you want your fortune to go to anyone that you want in spite of your spouse, if you so choose. Link to post Share on other sites
onmyownagain Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 Personally, I think any man who gets married wants his head sorting. Most end in divorce and guess who normally gets to move out of the family home, yep the man. Still gets to pay for it all though. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 I don't do the "living together" thing. I tried it once after my divorce. Didn't work out. If you move in with her? Sooner or later ~ more times than not you're going to hear: "This is my house, its either my way or the highway!" If she moves in with you? You end up sitting around getting drunk, wondering: "How am I going to get this B***** out my house! And, usually she's the very one that'll you'll catch crawling in through the bathroom window at two in morning, havig to get the law involved, and get an RO against! Nope!!!!!! In for a penny ~ in for a pound! I'm good enough to live with?! I'm good enough to marry! If this is the kind of relationship two people will have if they shack up, it is the kind of relationship they will have when married as well. And as a result of divorce....the man isn't put out of the house and still paying for it near as often as in the past. Men don't get the shaft like they use to. Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaSongbird Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 I could be any reason really. Personally I will never get married. My "wife" was interested in it at first, but I quickly nipped that in the bud. Why in the world would you legally bind yourself to a person? Can you really expect your relationship to last forever? What are the odds of that happening? We all think it's going to happen (like I think I will be with my "wife forever") but I recognize this notion as wishful thinking. Personally I think marriage should be a strictly religious ritual, and seperate from state affairs completely. As far as pensions, 401ks, and next of kin, you can just document your wishes. It doesn't have to go to a legal partner. Hell, you should be able to document that you want your fortune to go to anyone that you want in spite of your spouse, if you so choose. Of course a person can just "document" their wishes, that is what wills and power of attorneys are for. But if he is kicking and screwing that get married is too expensive, is he going to spend the $200+ it is going to take to go to an attorney's office and set up an estate, a will and various kinds of power of attorneys needed to protect the OP? Some do, but most don't. Most don't even pick up the $29 software from Best Buy or where-ever and try to do this. How do I know this? Because I spent over 17 years in an industry where I had to deal with what happens to the property when someone dies and didn't have a will..sometimes there were legal marriages, sometimes not.. and when they were not married, the partner left holding the bag, normally gets screwed. Even being married presents issues when the spouse dies without a will but at least being married affords some protection. Link to post Share on other sites
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