Wife wants a divorce, i don't

[topper3581]

A couple of weeks ago i was out of town working and my wife called me to tell me she wanted a legal seperation. She claimed there was too much verbal abuse going on in our relationship and she wasnt sure it could ever change. We have been married 8 years and have been together as a couple for 15. We were high school sweethearts. we have a 4 year old daughter whom i love very much. We both would use terrible words and threaten divorce throughout our marriage. we were both immature and didnt know how to handle things properly.

 

i was probably more guilty of that then she was, but we always made peace in the end and tried to move on from it. I guess i did and she probably just got a little worse each time. Some of our fights between us were caused by her fear that i would somehow fill in for the mother role if i tried to have a relationship with my daughter. i would want to bring her to the store or go get a bite to eat on the weekend, and my wife would find a reason why she couldnt do that or that she would have to go along. She admitted there was an issue with this but she did not want to fix it.

 

Unfortantely i let it go because i wanted my wife to not feel threatened and didnt want more fights then what we already had. i just blamed it on her adoption issues she had as a kid. When i look back at our relationship i can see the times i should have backed down from an argument, let things go, and also when i should not have backed down. I really should have lived to better her more than myself throughout and i can only regret that i didnt. I wasnt the type of guy who goes out after work, or hangs out with the buddies all of the time. But my job recently got moved to another state and i had to work down there through the week and return on the weekends, while trying to sell our home to move them down.

 

We couldnt get it sold, and during that time i felt terrible being away and broke down with my wife telling her i just couldnt do it anymore. she encouraged me to stick with it, i was doing what was best for the family and that it was no big deal. I finally couldnt take it anymore a few months later and told them i quit. they agreed to let me work from home and i was ecstatic! So at the beginning of the year i started doing just that with only having to go out of state 1 week a month m-f. Well, my first week down she called and told me about her desire for seperation. I drove home through the night and woke her to plead with her to no avail. tried the next few days, begging for counseling (which she had wanted for the last several years and i didnt, but understandably now do) and she does not want counseling anymore. says she has lost the desire to be with me, but still loves me?

 

So i tried to tell her i would like to share time with my daughter and the house and she said no, if she feels threatened she can take her wherever she needs to. there was no threat, but we have pushed and shoved eachother in the past..both of us. but at this point i am not at all mad, i am heartbroken. So i left, moved in with some friends, and found an attorney. She filed for divorce a few days later and served me, so i guess the seperation thing is out the window.

 

Upon getting ready for my first lawyer visit i downloaded all of our bills, debts, etc. on her cell phone i found a lot of unavailable numbers, and then found a pattern of her calling a cell phone and then getting an unavailable call back right away at all times of the day and night. Some at 12:30 and 1:30am on the weekends when i was laying next to her! One was on new years eve just as she walked out of the room from me to go to bed, and more on my birthday after i went to bed. I am just devestated that i put my trust in her like this, and even had a few moments that my gut told me something was wrong and i didnt listen.

 

Now she has gotten away with filing a ppo without and evidence and kicked me out of my house and took temp custody of my kid. Before i was served the ppo i called her and asked her about the affair and she admitted to it but said it was just a "friend" and that she never broke our marriage vows in any way. I asked why she would hide this and they would mask the numbers and call at all times of the day and night and she just said because you would have been upset and that i cant control whom she is friends with. I am just shocked, especially because when i was working out of town during the week i would try calling her after work until 10pm and sometimes she would never pick up, sometimes she would and just say she was too tired to talk, and now i look at the bills and see the unavailable coming in right after talking to me for a minute and them talking for 15-20mins.

 

I took one bill and caculated she spoke to him for 11 hours and only 4 1/2 hours with me. I know the guys name now, and i dont know if he is married. he has some things to do with where my wife works so that is how they met. So i have my first court date tomorrow morning and i am going to see a counselor today. And throughout all of this i still long for a relationship with her. I want us to get into counseling and turn this whole thing around. And i cant even email or talk to her. I feel so horrible and feel like there is no hope for me anymore. i am 30 and am looking at losing my wife, prob only getting limited time with my daughter, losing my wealth, and just basically having to get serious help to dump this baggage and try to start a new relationship in a year or so when this is done.

 

I am terrified of the idea of being single again, i just counted on my wife always being there with me. I pray every day that her heart would be burndened to want to try to heal this marriage, but i have to be realistic that this could very well be over and so i have to do what is best for me and my daughter. I am debating about bringing this guy in under oath as it may hurt me even more, but after finding an open and empty pregnancy test box before i got kicked out of my house scares me. especially since my wife has not been really sexually active with me for a while, always stating she was sick or something else. And she always slept in her clothes next to me stating she was just too tired to change. Hmmm, now it seems clear.

 

Why do i still love her and want to save this??? I have rejoined my small group at church for support, been praying faithfully (prob more than i ever have before) and am trying to do my best to do things right. but the pain of this is so bad i just dont know how people cope with it.

Edited February 2, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[flavender]

As I was reading your post, I started to get a little misty eyed. A lot of what you're dealing with, I am dealing with as well. I haven't had the pregnacy stuff to come about yet though. I tell you, I can remember when my wife mentioned to me about going to counselling. I didn't want to do it at first either becuase I thought that we'd get back on track. We didn't and things just got worse. We did eventually get into counselling and it seemed to do more harm thatn good. Ater each session, she would have a bad attitude and accuse me of lying to the counselor (female). She seemed to take my side on a lot of issues and think that is what got her so mad. Now she tells me that reason she is at peace with all of this is that she feels that she has done everyting possible to save our marriage. She says that she doesn't love me like she used to. I saw this email she sent to a male coworker:

 

Hey u.. just got finished working out so I'm about to get in the tub.. The most recent news at work is that we are losing 3 people as of tomorrow Tj, Necole, and Grace all got the same position. Chaun, Deidra, & Tiffany will not be going to Latrese team because of that( well at least thats what they told them yesterday). We are celebrating the birthdays today @ work and I guess Necole and Grace going away.

Still have not heard anything about the job.

This has been 6 long days, I hope you miss me as much as I miss you. I hope you feel better..

Here are a few more pictures(to add to your collection) I dont think you've seen yet..

I cant wait to see you..

Smooches !!

Sheida

 

 

This particular guy is someone that she was working on a new software program for the department she works in. I remember seeing a lot of calls on her phone activity list to the same number. I asked her about it and she went ballistic. She said it was her frien KJ. (The same guy) She mentioned to me that he has feminine tendancies at times that make him seem gay. I guess that was to throw me off. She had the password changed on the account to prevent me from viewing activity. Now that this email message has come to light, it all makes sense now. This has angered me so to the point I want revenge. I know that it is not the way to solve the problem. But I am so hurt that I just pray and ask God to keep my heart pure. Then I thought if I was dead, then I wouldn't have to deal with the pain anymore. All I can say is, I know what you're going through and just pray and ask God for strength to get you through it all. Maybe God is setting you up for something better. I try self motivation all the time. Sometimes it works and sometimes not. I really want to leave the house, but the mortgage is in both of our names. Plus I don't want to create any more financial burdens. Not to mention her elderly mother is living with us now. She tends to take my side on a lot of things which angers my wife as well. I only keep hoping that his will turn around. But in the back of my mind I know that there is probably no hope and divorce will happen. Just try to stay sane and do the right thing as far as your child is concerned. One thing that I don't do is talk bad about her to my daughter. She didn't ask to be here. Keep posting; it does help.

[topper3581]

Thanks for the response. It did feel good to write that out. I just feel so helpless and like the world is spinning out of control. I just cant seem to get my footing...i wish i could live at home. At least i wouldnt feel like i am paying for a house i dont live in so she can be comfortable. The only peace I have about that is my daughter still has her room and toys, she just talks to me on the phone asking me when i am going to come home. I can barely hold back the tears talking to her. I just tell her that mommy and daddy both love her and right now she just has to have fun with mommy and we would get together real soon. I know if my wife had to come out of her comfort zone with the house, not see my daughter for a couple of weeks, she would probably realize what she has done. but no chance that is going to happen. I just got a call my PPO hearing got pushed out a couple more weeks. It's just scary hearing all of this. i have never had more than a traffic ticket, and now i feel like a criminal that has lost it all. And like I said...she is still my wife, and still the one i want. Maybe there will be something better...but it is just hard to see that right now. I still have the Veggie Tales movie ticket from a couple of weeks ago i carry that was the last time we got to go out as a family. I only wish i would have spent that time holding my wife and kid instead of watching a screen...man do i miss them.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

My H and I are going through the exact same thing.

 

We have been together for 18 years and I have been begging for counseling for the past 7. He's refused and became emotional detached from the marriage. I lived with his rants and issues, as I thought a good wife should.

 

A year ago, he started fighting about bills (I am the breadwinner) and I got pissed. During that time a co-worker made an advance on me and I began to enjoy the attention. Nothing happened, but the attention was addictive. It became more important to me than my marriage. I was/am emotionally starved.

 

Since then, I have met a few great men over the internet and began having friendships with them.

 

My husband installed a key logger on my computer and found the emails and cell phone records. This infuriated me and I have lost respect for my husband.

 

I went to a lawyer to find out that it is invasion of privacy and that I could put him in jail for it. (Not going to happen, I don't think).

 

My husband confronted me about the online men and I told him. He finally agreed to MC and we are going tonight.

 

My feelings for my husband have deteriorated. I love him for being my son's father, but I am not "in love" with him, which it what I crave.

 

At least once a week, I have a good looking guy flirt with me at the bank, cleaners and grocery store, but no affection from my husband. This can only be tolerated for so long.

 

Don't know what tomorrow will bring......probably divorce so I can either be myself and be alone or be myself and find someone that wants me (and will put in the maintenance needed to keep the love alive).

 

I hope my experience helps to see the other side of a bad marriage.

[topper3581]

well, had the first court date to go over the temporary motion this morning. we worked a lot out between the lawyers first. She gets the house but it has to go up for sale. We split the mortgage but she has to pay the utilities in the house during her stay. i have to pay the $900 a month child support. She dropped her PPO against me and changed it to civil restraining order which still grinds me so much. I have never threatened her or abused her and she is drumming up this fairytale to play the vicitim part. But obviously her story is falling apart with no evidence. It was really hard to see her there today as she looked great as she always does. The hard thing was reading her character references that her friends and family wrote about her. Some of the stuff her friends and family wrote was a twist of the truth, but there were several things that were so far from the truth they were.....well..lies. She was constantly on the Atkins diet which i begged her to get off of since she was skinnier after having a baby then she was when we got married. I constantly told her she did not need it and she was beautiful. And reading that her friends and family said that i forced her to be on the diet because i called her fat all of the time just about brought tears to my eyes, and also a lot of anger. I told my friends and family to keep it civil, and above all else truthful. I am just saddened to see how low she is stooping on this, it just breaks my heart that this was my wife. But i guess divorce is not pretty and it is going to be a bumpy ride. Have to go to friend of the court to work out custody. one day at a time i guess....

[smileysmile]

Firstly, Topper..can you please try and use paragraphs (cut up your sentences a little, my eyes hurt)

 

She claimed there was too much verbal abuse going on in our relationship and she wasnt sure it could ever change. We have been married 8 years and have been together as a couple for 15. We were high school sweethearts. we have a 4 year old daughter whom i love very much. We both would use terrible words and threaten divorce throughout our marriage. we were both immature and didnt know how to handle things properly. i was probably more guilty of that then she was, but we always made peace in the end and tried to move on from it.

 

Sounds like what I went through.

Something has to give in the end

If a woman or mans needs aren't being met by there stubborn, self absorbed, selfish, unloving spouse then they will accept it from somebody else and it normally turns out to be a co-worker. It is fresh, new and exciting that this person is showing you attention that your spouse should be doing. Your spouse doesn't own you. They are your rock, loving, giving, loyal, trustworthy and make you feel safe and desirable etc etc.

 

I have read and hear this so many times. You have to keep your spouses 'love bank' topped up. You start to lose there love over time when you chip away at them. You are depositing love from there love bank and over time they lose a little bit of love and what happens they get it from a co worker.

 

 

Hey u.. just got finished working out so I'm about to get in the tub.. The most recent news at work is that we are losing 3 people as of tomorrow Tj, Necole, and Grace all got the same position. Chaun, Deidra, & Tiffany will not be going to Latrese team because of that( well at least thats what they told them yesterday). We are celebrating the birthdays today @ work and I guess Necole and Grace going away.

Still have not heard anything about the job.

This has been 6 long days, I hope you miss me as much as I miss you. I hope you feel better..

Here are a few more pictures(to add to your collection) I dont think you've seen yet..

I cant wait to see you..

Smooches !!

Sheida

 

I feel for you I really do.

Women (maybe men to) ALWAYS say they are just a "friend."

Reading that makes me feel sick.

To catch your W sending that and telling you it was only a friend.

What we as husbands must realize is that if you neglect your wifes needs, emotional/physical needs over time it will take its toll. Why should they stay in what they see as a loveless marriage. There are plenty more men out there. You/me are lucky to have them as our wife. But it doesn't mean we can get complacent as we have or are finding out. They will get there needs someplace else. Maybe with somebody who will appreciate them more than we do. Otherwise we wouldn't be in this situation right now.

 

I feel like I am in hell. And if this is hell I want out 'cos I can't stand this pain.

Edited February 1, 2008 by smileysmile

[br0ken_w0lf]

Topper and flavender, I can empathize with both of your situations (wife left 6 months ago, essentially for someone else). If there's anything I've learned through all of this, it's that you can't make someone stay. I had done the begging/pleading and have since figured out it simply doesn't work. Only in the movies I think. If anything, it may cause our wives to lose respect for us. Everything I've read on here seems to indicate that women need time *away* in order to realize what they've lost.

 

I've been through the worst part of my situation and had the "I wish I wasn't here because things would be easier" thoughts many times. I would often hope that something would happen to me just so I could escape the pain. *That* feeling will go away, I promise. It takes time and who knows, things could turn around. But reasoning and logic won't help.

 

Just try to do the best you can. Come here often (it's been a huge help for me), resist the urge to beat yourself up (the "if only I had done such and such..." thoughts), and try to keep busy - idle time with your thoughts can be detrimental.

 

Take care and remember, you're not alone in this.

 

Blue Eyed Brain: thanks for the perspective on the other side of the fence. I can see why the attention is addictive, particularly if it's not obtained at home.

[Gunny376]

There's more going on here than just "emotional neglect" and not doing what I should have done and not doing what I shouldn't have done.

 

And granted ~ as the famous John Wayne once said? "There's a Hell of a lot of things they didn't tell me when I first signed on with this outfit?"

 

And that can be true with any sort of relationship that we find ourselves in.

 

And the analogy about the "love bank" The first step towards "true love and happiness ~ forever and ever ~ Amen" comes with day one! And is followed through with each and every successive day there after.

 

Most all of the men that are currently going through seperation/divorce ~ are as I was ~ being exceptionally hard upon yourself!

 

1. There's as I said a hell of a lot of things that you just didn't/don't know about women, relationships, marriage.

 

and

 

2. You're severly discounting the influences of modern day life ~ and the stressors that come with that.

 

People say all the time that men and women use to get married and stay married for life. And that's true. But the dynamics of modern day life in Western society have changed over the course of the last fifty plus years ago.

 

Fifty plus years ago ~ the typical family situation was that the man was the breadwinner, and the wife was the SAHM (Stay-at-home-Mom) Think "Leave It To Beaver"?

 

Indeed, there it was a point and matter of pride for me to say "No wife of mine is going to work!" And they didn't. But these days 55% of all married women hold down some sort of job? Even if they wanted to be SAHM? Women find themselves isolated with young children without other women friends ~ why? Because 55% of all the other married women are at work!

 

This is in part because ~ what were once luxaries ~ cable TV, TV's themselves, washing machines and clothes dryers, air conditioning, etc ~ have in this day and age become neccessities.

 

It use to be that a family that had more than one car ~ was rare ~ in 2008 if your married? Its a necessity. Even if the wife is a SAHM?

 

The price of everything goes up! Gasoloine, heating oil, electricity, housing, clothes, taxes ~ but the one thing that isn't keeping up is family income. This drives the wife to go out and find a job?

 

Trouble is? Men still expect women to play the role of SAHM ~ the Leave It To Beaver model. Women in turn find themselves working two full time jobs! The 40 hour plus week job ~ and their other job when they come home?

 

A lot of men? They think that life is suppose to be like it was back in the Fifties ~ "Hey! I busted my ass all week at the ____________, when I come home? I want to kick back, chill out and get a little "fire gazing" time in front of the tv!" And that its the wives jobs (and many women feel it is their job) to take care of the children, the house, the home!

 

A lot of this has to do with the way men and women's brains are "hardwired" and is explained in a couple of books titled "Why Men Don't Have A Clue, And Women Need Another Pair of Shoes!" and John Gray's, latest book "When Mars and Venus Collide"

 

Going into a marriage? You need to put some tools in your skill set. You need to priortize you priorties.

 

Are you living to work ~ or are you working to live? Living and trying to move up the "food-chain" has devasting effects on marriage and relationships. If your goal is to live in a million dollar home, drive a Benz, etc ~ that's contrary to living a sucessful married life!

 

Me, myself and I?

 

I'm not in a relationship ~ nor am I seeking one? I know I could go out tomorrow and find one! I know that because I've had women show me multiple indications of interests?

 

But I set some ground rules before getting into another releationship.

 

Fully subscribed to Hellen Hunt's "Debt Proof Living" similar to Dave Ramsey's "Complete Money Make Over"

 

1. Completely out of debt

 

2. No credit card debt that I can't pay off in one month

 

3. A years worth of income (in my case "civilian" income) in tha' bank

 

4. Desginated saving for anticpacted expenses ~ tune-ups, oil changes, property taxes, car registration ~whatever!

 

I've got it covered!

 

What you guys need to work on?

 

Is Thankgiving Day ~ and its all gravey!

[smileysmile]

Gunner..

 

What are you going on about? lol

 

Are you venting or something ref. to your experience(s)?

 

Seriously. Me, myself and I. I am a 21st century guy who was or still is a domesticated God lol

Finances, house cleaning, cooking and diy was ALL me. The cooking was shared. We had no debts, the economy thrives on people being in credit but we were both good with money. It helped that we went into this R with equity from our houses and were able to buy a new car (9 mths old) and a detached house with a low mortgage blah blah blah.

 

Anyway before I end up wondering off here I am a sensible guy and I don't fit into the catagory of the "lazy" man or/and "careless" man who sits in front of tv all day long. I think you get the picture

 

Life has its stresses. My R was rushed big time. I loved being with her and I pushed as much as she reeled me in. I have "issues" or did have from my previous long term R and deep rooted issues from my childhood that contributed to the anger in me. Brought out its ugly head ONLY in this R. A few times in my previous R but more so in this one.

We were lucky to have a second chance of a great R. We had more than many people and a D to show for it all.

 

Again we were lucky with child care and the fact her mum lived on route to our places of work and it was just a matter of dropping her off.

Me working shifts helped as well as it meant only a half day to look after our D sometimes. Also my ex only worked 3 days a week.

 

On paper it looked great and too good to be true. But if you read my threads then it is opposite to what you are saying.

The 'love bank' needs to be topped up on a regular basis. Otherwise EA/PA can start up especially with a work colleague. Happened to me twice. I am a loving guy but we men can get complacent. My anger made me withdraw. This created tension in our R so therefore I was unable to keep that 'love bank' topped up as I did at the beginning of our R.

Edited February 2, 2008 by smileysmile

[jaslene2009]

I really feel for you and her and the baby. However, I just think you need to relax. Go to counseling and continue to work with your attorney's. Revenge is never the answer because it will only make it worse for you. For all that it is worth, try to be amicable for your daughter. Please don't drag the other man in the picture. Because if this is the man she may be with, you don't want them to keep you from seeing your daughter or giving you a hard time about it.

 

 

I know women who have done this. I don't understand it since the child has nothing to do with adults mishaps. Remember, divorce is no longer about love; IT IS BUSINESS! Therefore, you need to put your business mind on and only focus that love and affection on your daughter. You don't want to end up not getting your needs met after the divorce. So, get focused, pay attention to your attorney's, and spend plenty with your counselors.

 

I hope that you have a great attorney. Not one that is out for blood, but one that is very smart in family law and can litagate very well too! Trial attorneys are the best. They can withstand the long haul. I am pulling for you and I hope you get what you deserve (that is a loving relationship with your daughter)

 

Take care:D

 

A couple of weeks ago i was out of town working and my wife called me to tell me she wanted a legal seperation. She claimed there was too much verbal abuse going on in our relationship and she wasnt sure it could ever change. We have been married 8 years and have been together as a couple for 15. We were high school sweethearts. we have a 4 year

old

daughter whom i love very much. We both would use terrible words and threaten divorce throughout our marriage. we were both immature and didnt know how to handle things properly. i was probably more guilty of that then she was, but we always made peace in the end and tried to move on from it. I guess i did and she probably just got a little worse each time. Some of our fights between us were caused by her fear that i would somehow fill in for the mother role if i tried to have a relationship with my daughter. i would want to bring her to the store or go get a bite to eat on the weekend, and my wife would find a reason why she couldnt do that or that she would have to go along. She admitted there was an issue with this but she did not want to fix it.

Unfortantely i let it go because i wanted my wife to not feel threatened and didnt want more fights then what we already had. i just blamed it on her adoption issues she had as a kid. When i look back at our relationship i can see the times i should have backed down from an argument, let things go, and also when i should not have backed down. I really should have lived to better her more than myself throughout and i can only regret that i didnt. I wasnt the type of guy who goes out after work, or hangs out with the buddies all of the time. But my job recently got moved to another state and i had to work down there through the week and return on the weekends, while trying to sell our home to move them down. We couldnt get it sold, and during that time i felt terrible being away and broke down with my wife telling her i just couldnt do it anymore. she encouraged me to stick with it, i was doing what was best for the family and that it was no big deal. I finally couldnt take it anymore a few months later and told them i quit. they agreed to let me work from home and i was ecstatic!

So

at the beginning of the year i started doing just that with only having to go out of state 1 week a month

m

-f. Well, my first week down she called and told me about her desire for seperation. I drove home through the night and woke her to plead with her to no avail. tried the next few days, begging for counseling (which she had wanted for the last several years and i didnt, but understandably now do) and she does not want counseling anymore. says she has lost the desire to be with me, but still loves me?

So

i tried to tell her i would like to share time with my daughter and the house and she said no, if she feels threatened she can take her wherever she needs to. there was no threat, but we have pushed and shoved eachother in the past..both of us. but at this point i am not at all mad, i am heartbroken.

So

i left, moved in with some friends, and found an attorney. She filed for divorce a few days later and served me,

so

i guess the seperation thing is out the window.

Upon getting ready for my first lawyer visit i downloaded all of our bills, debts, etc. on her cell phone i found a lot of unavailable numbers, and then found a pattern of her calling a cell phone and then getting an unavailable call back right away at all times of the day and night. Some at 12:30 and 1:30am on the weekends when i was laying next to her! One was on new years eve just as she walked out of the room from me to go to bed, and more on my birthday after i went to bed. I am just devestated that i put my trust in her like this, and even had a few moments that my gut told me something was wrong and i didnt listen. Now she has gotten away with filing a ppo without and evidence and kicked me out of my house and took temp custody of my kid. Before i was served the ppo i called her and asked her about the affair and she admitted to it but said it was just a "friend" and that she never broke our marriage vows in any way. I asked why she would hide this and they would mask the numbers and call at all times of the day and night and she just said because you would have been upset and that i cant control whom she is friends with. I am just shocked, especially because when i was working out of town during the week i would try calling her after work until 10pm and sometimes she would never pick up, sometimes she would and just say she was too tired to talk, and now i look at the bills and see the unavailable coming in right after talking to me for a minute and them talking for 15-20mins. I took one bill and caculated she spoke to him for 11 hours and only 4 1/2 hours with me. I know the guys name now, and i dont know if he is married. he has some things to do with where my wife works

so

that is how they met.

So

i have my first court date tomorrow morning and i am going to see a counselor today. And throughout all of this i still long for a relationship with her. I want us to get into counseling and turn this whole thing around. And i cant even email or talk to her. I feel

so

horrible and feel like there is no hope for me anymore. i am 30 and am looking at losing my wife, prob only getting limited time with my daughter, losing my wealth, and just basically having to get serious help to dump this baggage and try to start a new relationship in a year or

so

when this is done. I am terrified of the idea of being single again, i just counted on my wife always being there with me. I pray every day that her heart would be burndened to want to try to heal this marriage, but i have to be realistic that this could very well be over and

so

i have to do what is best for me and my daughter. I am debating about bringing this guy in under oath as it may hurt me even more, but after finding an open and empty pregnancy test box before i got kicked out of my house scares me. especially since my wife has not been really sexually active with me for a while, always stating she was sick or something else. And she always slept in her clothes next to me stating she was just too tired to change. Hmmm, now it seems clear. Why do i still love her and want to save this??? I have rejoined my small group at church for support, been praying faithfully (prob more than i ever have before) and am trying to do my best to do things right. but the pain of this is

so

bad i just dont know how people cope with it.

 

[Politico]

Don't know what tomorrow will bring......probably divorce so I can either be myself and be alone or be myself and find someone that wants me (and will put in the maintenance needed to keep the love alive).

 

The OP also wrote:

...i just counted on my wife always being there with me.

 

Speaking as one who did it, I think it's all too common for some of us to take our spouses for granted. They're there. They'll always be there. But "always" doesn't always happen.

 

Marriages have to be nurtured. Spouses have to be wooed. If you don't romance the person you love, in time your "love" becomes habit and not a living and vibrant part of your relationship.

 

Maintenance indeed!

[topper3581]

Wow. Lots of great advice out there. I love this site. Yeah, I really wasnt a slacker in the relationship, but i could have done a lot more. But the last few years I was chasing her around trying to get alone time, or date nights. By then it was too late.

 

So, your right, now it is about my daughter and i look forward to just spending some great time together. It will be nice to just have the two of us to hang out. I seem to be getting better each day about this, counceling did help and should continue to do so. I think staying with friends and family away from the house has helped a lot, keeps my mind off of it for short bursts at least.

 

Going to have to figure out my mistakes in this marriage before i get into anything else down the road. But i know I can't stay single for the rest of my life so better get this stuff figured out sooner then later. It will help being in my 30's now instead of my 20's, and just having been through so much. Just hope i don't over do it and smother the next poor gal! Or...just maybe...over do it with my wife again. But that picture seems to be fading fast so for now, just have to fight for my daughter and look to the future.

[Missy27]

Gunner..

 

What are you going on about? lol

 

Are you venting or something ref. to your experience(s)?

 

~~ he's spot on. Bang on in fact ~~

Edited February 3, 2008 by Missy27

[Gunny376]

There's many facets as to why marriages/relationships fail SS ~ you could from all outward appreances (and inward as well) have the perfect marriage/relationship and it still fail?

 

Primarly because of strong hormones and bio-chemicals in the brain which are instinctive to men and women ~ and that are based upon thousands of years of evolution to pro-create, and pass on our genes with the gentically strongest partner we can mate with.

 

Reference:

 

"When Mars and Vensus Collide" John Gray, PhD

 

Feb, 2006 edition of National Geographic

 

"Why Men Don't Have A Clue, and Women Need Another Pair of Shoes" (Sorry don't remeber the authors off the top of my head ~ too late in the night to go looking for the book)

 

"Brain Sex" (Ditto about the authors)

 

January 28th edition of Time Magazine (on store shelves now ~ you want to read this is if you can get your hands on it) Front page titled: "The Science of Romance ~ Why We Need Love To Survive"

 

Per the Time magazine articles about love, dating, mating, and romance I found two things interesting that I hadn't previously known?

 

The first is that one PhD reserarcher postulates that "The Pill" may be a major contributor of divorce in that in effect what "The Pill" is? Chemically induced pregnancy ~ that is to say that it tricks a woman's body into thinking its pregno. This sends her hormones running and raging in various directions? The net effect of which is that she would be attracted to a one type of man while she was on the pill, but after dating and getting married ~ and then coming off the pill to actually get pregno ~ not find him attractive anymore once her hormones had returned to the natural base level?

 

The second was that its well known that men have 10, 20 perhaps as much as 30 times testerone than women. So much so? That its in the saliva as well.

 

Its well known that "just kissing" is a major turn on for women? Why? Men while in the act of kissing are passing on their testerone to women via the saliva!

 

Very interesting articles ~ if you can get your hands on it ~ I highly recommend it!

 

Here is Time on-line website ~ if nothing else you might be able to find it there.

 

http://www.time.com/time/?pkw=PSTMGLTX041707SNND1066

[Gunny376]

Gunner..

 

What are you going on about? lol

 

Are you venting or something ref. to your experience(s)?

 

 

Well yes, I'm commenting on my life experiences in hopes that I can contriubute to helping others out ~ and in the meanwhile learning something new here and there as I go ~ and I have!

 

And no I'm not ranting!

 

I'm over all of my ex-hexs, and I've come to work through all the fallacies, lies, and myths about what makes a marriage work and not work?

 

Do I have all the answers to all the questions? All the solutions to all the problems?

 

In one word ~ NO!

 

And, I probally never will ~ but I'm working on it!

 

Two goals that I have clearly set for my self is to read a minimum of two books a year (minimum) about inter-personal relationships and personal finance a year.

 

Which interestingly enough ~ seem to go "hand-in-hand with one another?!

[Gunny376]

~~ he's spot on. Bang on in fact ~~

 

Divorce and its subsequent ramifications was for me

 

Mentally

 

Emotionally

 

Spiritually

 

Financialy

 

a lot like my first mortor barrage!

 

Man! I can't keep totting the note on this s***!

 

Divorce ain't no joke ~ Jack!

 

I'm eighteen years the otherside of it now! But, I've got a real good pretty picture in my head! That's forever burned into my brain! Your happy~azz finds a good woman, she's priorty from day one! Screw the job? Screw the carrer? Screw the boss!

 

Work to live, don't live to work!

 

Most women? If your meeting thier emotional needs? Coulld give a damn about this and that!

 

Women aren't that hard! They just want a little appreciation, validation, re-assuarnce, security and not be treated like your personal sperm depository?

[Gunny376]

~~ he's spot on. Bang on in fact ~~

 

Your opinon dosen't count Missy~! You're disqualified because your Big Bro is a British Royal Marine.

 

And we all know they'er a bunch of sissies!

 

(For those don't know? Bootcamp for British Royal Marines is six months long! Your happy azz makes it through the British Marine Corps bootcamp ~ your a man! You da' man!)

[Woggle]

Women aren't that hard! They just want a little appreciation, validation, re-assuarnce, security and not be treated like your personal sperm depository?

 

If only it were that easy then men would have barely any relationship issues.

[OceanBlue]

I drove home through the night and woke her to plead with her to no avail. tried the next few days, begging for counseling (which she had wanted for the last several years and i didnt, but understandably now do) and she does not want counseling anymore. says she has lost the desire to be with me, but still loves me?

 

 

I tell you, I can remember when my wife mentioned to me about going to counselling. I didn't want to do it at first either becuase I thought that we'd get back on track. We didn't and things just got worse. We did eventually get into counselling and it seemed to do more harm thatn good.

 

We have been together for 18 years and I have been begging for counseling for the past 7. He's refused and became emotional detached from the marriage. I lived with his rants and issues, as I thought a good wife should.

 

Pretty consistent with the woman trying to communicate and the man refusing until it is too late. Same thing happened in my 13 year M. In my situation, by the time we went to counseling it was a case of too little too late.

 

I had emotionally left by the time he was ready to acknowledge that there was a problem. Once one party is gone from the M, then all the counseling in the world isn't going to repair it.

[mental_traveller]

well, had the first court date to go over the temporary motion this morning. we worked a lot out between the lawyers first. She gets the house but it has to go up for sale. We split the mortgage but she has to pay the utilities in the house during her stay. i have to pay the $900 a month child support. She dropped her PPO against me and changed it to civil restraining order which still grinds me so much. I have never threatened her or abused her and she is drumming up this fairytale to play the vicitim part. But obviously her story is falling apart with no evidence. It was really hard to see her there today as she looked great as she always does. The hard thing was reading her character references that her friends and family wrote about her. Some of the stuff her friends and family wrote was a twist of the truth, but there were several things that were so far from the truth they were.....well..lies. She was constantly on the Atkins diet which i begged her to get off of since she was skinnier after having a baby then she was when we got married. I constantly told her she did not need it and she was beautiful. And reading that her friends and family said that i forced her to be on the diet because i called her fat all of the time just about brought tears to my eyes, and also a lot of anger. I told my friends and family to keep it civil, and above all else truthful. I am just saddened to see how low she is stooping on this, it just breaks my heart that this was my wife. But i guess divorce is not pretty and it is going to be a bumpy ride. Have to go to friend of the court to work out custody. one day at a time i guess....

 

If she and/or her friends are telling lies to the police or courts, then you should try to get proof of this. Hire a private detective and try to verify your story with facts, and show how their stories are lies.

 

If you can get this evidence, you should then present it to the police and your attorney, and bring it to court. Then, try as hard as you can to get her and her lying friends sent to jail for as long as possible.

 

Perjury is a very serious offence, it undermines the justice system and it is completely immoral, leading to potential punishment for crimes people did not commit. You have a moral responsibility to ensure that she and her accomplices get sent down.

 

It goes without saying that you'd be absolutely insane to stay with this felon. Even if you are willing to be a sacrificial lamb to a lying criminal, what about the judges, the police, the courts who are being taken for a ride on the taxpayers' dollar? If you stay silent then you are complicit in this criminal fraud of the public purse, and perversion of justice.

 

I think you really need to stop moping around and start taking action. I'm sorry your marriage is down the tubes, but from what you have said, nothing you can do is going to recover it. Your goal should now be to ensure you get out of this without a criminal record, and that your evil wife goes to jail - this is necessary for the protection of the public.

[smileysmile]

Pretty consistent with the woman trying to communicate and the man refusing until it is too late. Same thing happened in my 13 year M. In my situation, by the time we went to counseling it was a case of too little too late.

 

I had emotionally left by the time he was ready to acknowledge that there was a problem. Once one party is gone from the M, then all the counseling in the world isn't going to repair it.

 

Unfortunately this is VERY true.

 

I have just picked up my D at 7.45am from my STBXW house. I have her until 6.30pm when my ex arrives back from work.

Unfortunately it has got to this stage because of recent events that she is handing me our D, food bag etc without me stepping into the house. I didn't have time to say hello. My ex sort of mumbled hello but I guess it was still awkward between us. It is hard for me to smile and say hello. I should have said "morning" to her. I will make that effort next time.

I did say "see you later" and that was that.

She looked amazing as always. It hurts big time.

This is the woman that was once my WIFE and lover and friend.

How the heck did it get to this? Well as I have highlighted above how.

Edited February 4, 2008 by smileysmile

[Missy27]

 

Your opinon dosen't count Missy~! You're disqualified because your Big Bro is a British Royal Marine.

 

And we all know they'er a bunch of sissies!

 

(For those don't know? Bootcamp for British Royal Marines is six months long! Your happy azz makes it through the British Marine Corps bootcamp ~ your a man! You da' man!)

 

I was sticking up for you Gunz ~ !!!!!

 

I was actually implying to Smiley that you were Spot on about what you were saying ~ that you were BANG ON in fact ~ I love you ~ I think your amazing ~ you should know that by now ~ :love:

[topper3581]

Good advice Gunny. Yeah, Smiley i am there with ya, when i saw my wife in court she looked great and it just hurts knowing i lost her. I am getting better every day about this, but just when i think i can do this and maybe there is someone better, i come across a picture of her, or an email from her and all over again i am head over heels in love and want nothing else.

 

Time to move on, deal with the situation at hand, and look to the future. (with my wife taking all my money and me in a van down by the river ) My counseler gave me some great articles to read and they really hit home with letting her go. That begging, pleading, and being the sacrificial lamb is the WRONG thing to do and will only make her lose respect even further. He said she is a caged bird, so open the cage, let her fly and see what happens. I guess I can't make someone love me and want to be with me, so i have to fix myself again and eventually find someone who will. I just hope the hole in my heart at least shrinks a bit before hand...

[Gunny376]

I was sticking up for you Gunz ~ !!!!!

 

I was actually implying to Smiley that you were Spot on about what you were saying ~ that you were BANG ON in fact ~ I love you ~ I think your amazing ~ you should know that by now ~ :love:

 

I know you were Missy! I was being factious ~ sorry! I have a factious sense of humor that sometimes comes across the wrong way to some folks! I guess it comes from a lifetime of taking lemons and making lemonade! Or even better? Taking lemons and making margurittas!

 

I get knocked down? I get up again ~ they're never going to keep me down! (Love that song! )

 

:love:

 

Guns

[Missy27]

I know you were Missy! I was being factious ~ sorry! I have a factious sense of humor that sometimes comes across the wrong way to some folks! I guess it comes from a lifetime of taking lemons and making lemonade! Or even better? Taking lemons and making margurittas!

 

I get knocked down? I get up again ~ they're never going to keep me down! (Love that song! )

 

:love:

 

Guns

 

:o:o:o

 

Oh GOD ~ I'm soooo embarressed now ~ :o:laugh:

 

I should have known ~~ !!! ~ My Hubby's humour is like that ~ and I STILL fall for it every time ~ he finds it most amusing ~

 

EVERY TIME ~ !!!

 

In that case ~~ Ignore the PM ~~

 

(SORRY TOPPER ~ Back on topic ~ !)

Edited February 4, 2008 by Missy27