Need advice on a issue

[MrSadman]

I'm an 18 year old who is very shy and quiet who just finished one year of college and had a my very first girlfriend who is also 18 in my second semester. She was the prettiest, smartest, nicest girl with a great personality I had ever met. I met here in my first semester but we were just friends but after hanging out with her we became more. So the next semester when I brought my car to college I asked her out, I was so nervous my hand was shaking, and luckily she said yes.

 

The problem with us was her parents they were racist, no real racist they just didn't want their daughter dating a black guy. She was very cautious and nervous about her parents finding out so we could not go out on dates, we had to just spend time either in my dorm or somewhere in school she lived at her house. But eventually no even time in school because she was so scared of her parents finding out that she didn't want other people to know that were together. We were actually in the same class and she didn't want me to sit next to her because she didn't want people to get any ideas. This caused a little bit of a strain maybe more than that on the relationship because we couldn't spend a lot of time together.

 

Yet, the first month went smoothly we made time to spend together like before and after the class we had together. We also use to im each other for hours and hours and just talk about all kinds of stuff mostly about kids, marriage, and school. I did make some mistakes during that time because I'm a nervous person and we were in a nervous situation. I didn't smile all the time but I'm not a smiley person and I also maybe didn't give her all of me because of my shyness, but she stayed with me.

 

I remember one night she lied to her parents about going to this college event but she went to my room and we made out hard for the whole three hours. That night was the best night I ever had and I pretty sure she liked it as well because that was probably the only few times I came out of my shy shell and showed her how I really act. Until the next month came around and her parents were really on her case about where she was at and where was she going. This made her even more nervous so we spent less and less time together, we actually went two weeks without having physical contact like hugging and kissing the only time I got to see her was during the class we had together and we never said anything to each other.

 

But at that time I was in love with her and I told her that I loved her after only one month of dating. She told me that I was not in love with her because it had only been one month and I didn't know what love is because she was my first girlfriend. I told her no that I am really in love with her and since I could spend any physical time with her I sent her email telling her how much I loved her and how much I wanted to stay her boyfriend. She didn't get online much anymore so she didn't respond to many of emails, but I was ok with that. She told me that her sister and her friends wanted her to break with me because if she got caught she would be in big trouble.

 

One day she imed me and it was the first time in a long time and said hey and I said hi. She then said what's wrong I said nothing but she had keen sense to know when something was wrong. I said just a little sad I haven't go to spend anytime with her. She said, I know I feel guilty because it feels like I'm not trying to make this relationship work. I said, no don't feel that way don't feel guilty. She said, I do feel guilty she then told me that she had been having bad dreams about her father catching her with me and she could not sleep. I said, ohh I'm sorry but please don't break up with me I love you. She said, I'm not I'm just telling you how I feel.

 

The next day on her birthday I gave her gifts before she went to her night class. I gave her birthday gifts and her valentines gifts because her birthday is on the 13th of February and we wouldn't get to see each other on that Friday. We orginally planned to give each other gifts when she her night class was finished. But that night she called me and said we need to talk. She told me that she was breaking up with me I said why she said because she wants more. She could only get that more from a boyfriend who was white I guess at least I hope that what more she mean't. She then said if I keep having these bad dreams about her parents I would just fall more and more in love with her I didn't know what that really mean't so all I said, but I do love you. She said, it is not that.

 

I said can I have a hug she said yes and after the hug she said, if my parents say he got to be white then he got to be white and I love my parents to much to do this anymore. I was so in shock that I could not say a word then she said, its not you, you were a good boyfriend for putting up with that alot of guys would have not put up with that. I looked at her dead in her eyes looking sad and with eyes watery and she looked at me I was about to cry so I left and said, I guess I will see you later and she just stared at me with a sad look too. I know it was more than just that reason she broke up with me. I'm guessing because I said I loved her only after one month, was too shy for her and she didn't want to be that serious in a relationship yet.

 

After that night I wrote her two emails telling her how much I love her and how much I want her back but she never responded. For the next months we were in that class she barely came or she came late to class. I asked her in my third email to her could we still be friends she said yes. But then I was lying because I love her so much that could not be her friend because I couldn't stand to see her face and the see old memories of us having a good time and how now I messed up and she could no longer be mine. I couldn't even look at her while I was in class with her not because I was mad at her it was only because I have such strong feelings for her that it hurt when I looked at her and because of that she probably mad at me.

 

My question is was their anything I could have done to lengthen the relationship we had? Right now I keep saying if I could turn back the clock I would have changed things because she was perfect. Its been four months since she broke with me and I am not at the least bit over her yet. I tried my best I would always ask her if she could go somewhere but she said she was to nervous to go. I think it was because I told her that I loved her in one month

[jessicakicksbut]

I really wish I could give you good sound advice, but all I can say is that you tried your best. It is a shame that you could not see your ex-girlfriend longer because of your race, but since she is living under her parents roof still so she has to abide by their rules. Not saying it is right, but that is unfortuantely the way it is. Maybe you can turn the realtionship you had with her into a positive experience in the fact that you will be less shy and quiet around girls, be yourself more, and have more confidence since you now have experience in the realtionship department.

[MrSadman]

My story is I lost my girlfriend in Feb she dumped because I told her I love her in one month. But the real story when the relationship ended because we are in the same class and we have to go every other day. Since I wasn't strong enough to stop contact with her after she broke up with me I sent her two emails telling her I want her back and could we still be friends again. I know people say you shouldn't email her after she broke up with you but I just could not help I had to try to change her mind.

 

But back to the class issue I was in the same class as her and we said hi to each other for the first three days back but after that we didn't speak to each other. It hurt so bad that I could not look at her not because I was mad at her only because I could not look at her face because I was so sad. Now it might of seemed like I didn't like her anymore which might have made her hate me, I don't want her to hate me, but I just couldn't look at her. I'm a quiet guy anyway so I didn't say much in class I just stared forward and that was it, I probably had a sad look on my face. Which might have mad her even madder at me even though I'm a nice guy.

 

Why do when you fall in love it makes you do stupid things I wanted to still be nice to her I just couldn't communicate with her anymore. Now the other bad news is that her and our friend came to me one day we haven't spoken in a while and she asked me that she heard me and my girl broke up I said yes. She said, my girl said I took the news good, but I told the friend that I took it hard. She asked me if we were still friends and I said no like a dummy even though I liked her too much to be her friend I should have said yes why does love make you say stuff you don't necessarily mean. My friend then said, do you still like her and I said yes I do still like her. Now its a double lost I lost my girlfriend who was my best friend. Since she is popular I lost all the friends I met through her in college.

 

Do you have any advice on what should I do to get back in her good graces when I get back from summer break now I really want her as a friend. She has a new boyfriend now and she got with him after two months of breaking it off with me, so its too late to speak to her when I get back and I wrote three emails telling her I want her back and that at least we could still be friends, so its too late to write her another email one more email to her she would really might be upset with me. I don't want to lose her as a friend I only said we weren't friends because we didn't speak to each other anymore, it wasn't a bad breakup she just didn't want a serious relationship right now but it still has me depressed even now.

 

Now its summer time and I'm still in the what if stage of grief from a breakup. Its eating away at my sanity all I think about is all the mistakes I made, I'm human everyone makes mistakes (I didn't make that many mistakes though) but I can't get out of this stage. This stage is suppose to be the shortest one and I'm still in it. Does anybody know how to get out of it, its killing me to think of all the things I wish I had done and hadn't done and said. Has anybody said something to a friend about a broken relationship they didn't mean, how did you get back into your ex's good graces. We were good friends before we got together and now I have ruined and feel like a total loser just because I couldn't accept not having her as a boyfriend. Has anyone messed up a friendship and relationship in one fall swoop just because they always want to be more.

[clia]

You dated this girl for ONE month. It is now FOUR months later and you are still in mourning. Do you see anything wrong with that?

 

I understand that you had strong feelings for her, and indeed some people fall in love faster than others, but the proportionality of dating time to mourning time should not be so skewed. You did nothing to fall out of her good graces--you two simply broke up, and she moved on. If she wanted to remain friends with you, she would have. (She's the one who broke up with you, knew you wanted her back, knew you were hurt, etc...so it really was her place to say hi to you or look at you in class.)

 

Why are you blaming yourself so much for what happened? You dated her for a month and things did not work out due to circumstances beyond your control. Things like that happen every day!

 

Get realistic about this friendship thing. Why do you want to remain friends with her? I know she's probably a nice person and all, but do you really want to be friends with her now that she's got this new boyfriend? Isn't that going to hurt you more?

 

She has obviously moved on. I think you need to start working on doing the same thing. You will never move on if you continue to dwell on what if and what could have been. That is pointless, useless activity at this point. You have to get yourself out of the house and start doing things. Plan on joining some organizations at school next fall to meet new friends. Join a gym this summer and meet some people there. Take tennis lessons through the city park association and meet some people that way. Go see lots and lots of movies. Read lots of books. There are a million ways to meet new friends, and a million ways to keep yourself busy. And these are all so much more fun than sitting around feeling sad, now aren't they?

[yes]

in the future, dont' date girls whose family has issues with inter-racial dating (assuming you're of different races). while the girl may date you for a while against family's wishes, she's very unlikely to make it a long-term r/s... precisely because it'd be too hard on her relationship with her family.

 

I know there're always exceptions, but ...

 

good luck!

-yes

[Clancy]

I think you've gotten some good advice here and generally that is that it's time for you to let go and move on.

 

I think what you're doing by grieving these past months is hanging on to the feeling of hurt you feel because it's the only real connection to her you have left. You really don't want to stop mourning her loss do you? If you stop feeling sad about her, missing her, fantasizing about her, you are afraid to face what you'd have left then, which is nothing of her.

 

I think you want to hold on to any feeling of her, even painful, sad feelings because it still feels then that you've got her in your life some way. It's time to stop.

 

This has become like an addiction to you. Even though the feeling hurts you have convinced yourself that you've gotta have it. And once you do let go, stop thinking of her, rid your mind of her the same way an addict must stop fantasizing about their drug once they quit, the feelings will eventually fade.

 

So make yourself stop thinking of her, turn your heart cold. Instead of letting your mind follow down the thought paths toward her, cut the thoughts off. Each time a thought of her comes into your head tell yourself it's a war and you've got to fight the battle . Change the thought, distract yourself. Eventually her memory will visit you less and less and you'll be free. Good luck.

[kandi13]

hey hunni...we dont talk much anymore.....I still luv ya!!!! Well hunni all I gotta say is you are the sweetest guy I know and im not only sayin that to make you feel better its all true!!!! And you couldnt have done anymore to make things last, whats ment to be will be and thats the way it is even if we dont like it....sorry to say that but you know as much as I do its true....I still love Todd and I use to think if I could turn clocks back wut would I do diff, and you know what....nothing I would do nothing different!..! U wanna know why?¿? Because I had chances with him and not only that I knew he loved me yeah I was sad it ended but hey think of it like this if shes beautiful and sweet in your eyes then you were lucky you had a month with her, some guys would wish they were in your place to have such a wonderful girl and think to yourself YOU DID!!! Thats it plain and simple its madd hard to get over someone.....And it takes awhile but God has someone out there special waiting for you, and let me tell you...you are cute sweet and you may be shy but you have a great personallity!!!! U helped me get over Todd and you are truely an amazing guy!!! I loved Todd so much it was an obsession and you got me over him its weird isnt it?? All I wanna say is I luv you soooo much I will never forget you!!! Girls would die to have you trust me!!! They were her parents she had to listen to them srry to say but hey her lost not yours!!!! she will def. regret it hunni!!!! I dumped Brad 5 times and he wont tak 2 me and I regret it so much I miss him too..... We all do stupid things theres no change to that, were only human!!!! Keep in touch wit me baby!!!! Im me!!! Call me!!!! I miss u!!!! luv ya !!!! Alwayz!!!!

[jenny]

that was surreal.

 

are you the girl in question?